[LovelyBones]

I'm sorry to post this here but I have questions about my DD "Lizzy". She has been in foster care since she was 3 days old. She is finally coming home in Oct before her 1st birthday. I didn't do drugs, abuse my DS (who is coming home 2 weeks after her) or go to jail. I didn't have an apartment and I needed to get sable on my bipolar meds before they home. Lizzy has a deep bond with her foster mother and family. She doesn't want to comforted or loved on by me. I had 3 hour visits a week with her until she was 5 months old. Then I got overnights and weekends. She doesn't want anything to with me. I love her so much but it hurts that she doesn't love me. Will she accept me as her mother in time? The foster mother wants to have contact with Lizzy when she comes home to me and her dad. Is this healthy for Lizzy to continue to see the FM when she at home with me? I'm afraid that me and my DD will never have a bond as deep as the one I have with my 3 yr DS and the one I know I will have with my other DS that is due in Dec. Is there something that I can do for the FM to thank her for loving and caring for my DD? Thank you and again I'm sorry for posting on your board.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by LovelyBones

I'm sorry to post this here but I have questions about my DD "Lizzy". She has been in foster care since she was 3 days old. She is finally coming home in Oct before her 1st birthday. I didn't do drugs, abuse my DS (who is coming home 2 weeks after her) or go to jail. I didn't have an apartment and I needed to get sable on my bipolar meds before they home. Lizzy has a deep bond with her foster mother and family. She doesn't want to comforted or loved on by me. I had 3 hour visits a week with her until she was 5 months old. Then I got overnights and weekends. She doesn't want anything to with me. I love her so much but it hurts that she doesn't love me. Will she accept me as her mother in time? The foster mother wants to have contact with Lizzy when she comes home to me and her dad. Is this healthy for Lizzy to continue to see the FM when she at home with me? I'm afraid that me and my DD will never have a bond as deep as the one I have with my 3 yr DS and the one I know I will have with my other DS that is due in Dec. Is there something that I can do for the FM to thank her for loving and caring for my DD? Thank you and again I'm sorry for posting on your board.

I am not a foster parent, I am a relative who adopted our ds from foster care. He was our nephew at the time.

I am sure the foster parents on this board will welcome your questions and give you wonderful advice.

My advice, based on my limited experience, is to have some visits with foster parents after dd comes home to you. Wait a while though, let her have some time with you. When you and your ds are together with her, I think the bonding will take place.

Did foster mom participate in the visits with you? Her attitude toward you can make such a difference. If she treats you in a friendly manner and acts like she trusts you, that will help dd bond to you.

Congratulations on bringing your family together. I hope you and the foster mom will become close friends with your dd as your bond to each other.

[henderfive]

I think it would help to maybe reverse the roles when your DD comes home. Hopefully FM could visit for a few hours a week and go from there. I don;t think you should cut off FM completly out of your DD life unless it is only causing problems. Like RobinKay said hopefully you two can become good friends and count on each other to help DD through a rough time in her life.
Good Luck, stay strong
Henderfive

[Mystik]

I just wanted to say that although I am now a foster mom and fear intensely the emotional trauma it may cause either of my FD's to be reunited with bio's after all this time I have also been a child in a similar position too. When I was 11 months old I ended up being left with my gramma. I wont go into all the details of how this transpired right now, but long story short my gramma raised me from then on and I was able to completely bond with her as my mother figure and today she is truly my best friend. I now live in the US, she's still in Canada and I call her every single night to chat because we're just that close. So will your DD be able to bond with you deeply after spending her first year raised by someone else? YES! I am living proof that can happen, but it doesn't mean it wont be challenging at first for everyone involved. My advise is to hang in there, continue working your plan and really ensure that your precious little girl comes home to you as planned in October rather then having things dragged out till she's 18+ months old. The longer she's in care the harder it will be for her to come home. 12 months old is long enough so make it happen!

[LovelyBones]

Originally Posted by Mystik

I just wanted to say that although I am now a foster mom and fear intensely the emotional trauma it may cause either of my FD's to be reunited with bio's after all this time I have also been a child in a similar position too. When I was 11 months old I ended up being left with my gramma. I wont go into all the details of how this transpired right now, but long story short my gramma raised me from then on and I was able to completely bond with her as my mother figure and today she is truly my best friend. I now live in the US, she's still in Canada and I call her every single night to chat because we're just that close. So will your DD be able to bond with you deeply after spending her first year raised by someone else? YES! I am living proof that can happen, but it doesn't mean it wont be challenging at first for everyone involved. My advise is to hang in there, continue working your plan and really ensure that your precious little girl comes home to you as planned in October rather then having things dragged out till she's 18+ months old. The longer she's in care the harder it will be for her to come home. 12 months old is long enough so make it happen!

Thank you for giving me hope that I can have a deep bond with my DD.

[mrstkg1]

I feel certain you can develop a deep bond with your daughter. But please, find a way to stay in touch with the foster family that you are comfortable with. It's so hard to see the children leave and never really know what happened to them.

[SHAMROX]

Its really important not to lose contact with the FM and their family. No matter how young a child is, or how long they were/are in care, they have suffered a loss and they will be traumatized in some way from that loss (first the birth family, then the foster family upon returning home). You didn't want her to feel like you'd abandoned her while she's been in care and you of course don't want her to feel the the foster family has either. Its hard I know!

I would ask your social worker if you and the foster family can participate in some type of (or at least consult with) an attachment and bonding therapist - it will help your child/children immensely! Good luck!

[stevenstwin]

I will give you the same advice I would give an adoptive parent concerned about bonding with a "new" child - Yes, you can have visits with the foster parent, but only AFTER you establish a bond for yourself. I urge you to do some research on "attachment" parenting - "Attaching in Adoption" by Deborah Gray is a good one. She says to cocoon with your "new" arrival. You need to establish yourself as her ONLY mommy. That means spend lots of time where it is just the two of you (and of course the three of you after your son comes home) and make sure YOU are the only one holding her, feeding her, and meeting her other needs. After a few months, then you can have some visits with the former foster family. I know they want continued contact, BUT your daughter will have a harder time bonding with you as "mommy" if her "other" mommy is around and still in that role. I've gotten a lot of information for the Special Needs Adoption board, and I think they might be able to give you some "attachment parenting" advice as well. But I really do think that is how you have to look at it - I know she's your biological child, but the roles have been somewhat reversed up to this point where she was being "parented" by someone else with you as a "visitor". I think you'll need to work on this and be patient, but she SHOULD be able to develop a deep and secure bond with you. Do you have a good support network to help you out if you are feeling sad or frustrated?? I wish you all the best! Please keep us updated and let us know how it is going (((hugs)))

[RobinKay]

I want to echo stevenstwin regarding visits with fmom. It is important to wait for a period of time to keep your dd from being confused. She is used to going home with fmom after visits-so it's important she not see her right away, then cry when she doesn't leave with her.

You could call each other during the period of no visits--I am sure fmom would love to know how dd is doing with you.

It's wonderful that you are thinking and planning ahead for your family. I wish you all the best--let us all hear from you how it goes--

[hkolln]

I too echo stevenstwin's post. Give yourself time...take a few months of complete interaction with your DD. Do everything for her and she will be fine and bond with you. I understand the FM is sad she is going however the baby needs to know you are her mommy and she can trust you to take care of her. If the FM is in her life it may confuse her. You can always have phone contact for a few months to let FM know how DD is doing however I wouldn't do any visits for awhile. Then later on you can try visits.

We adopted our niece when she was 8 but she lived with us from age 7. When she moved to our home the previous FP's were very clingy and called her constantly saying how much they loved her and missed her which caused her to have alot of setbacks and issues. Once we stopped contact (except for me calling them or emailing them on how she was doing) directly with her and them did her issues resolve and she was able to move forward as our daughter. It was very confusing for her! Just keep the lines of communication open and love your DD with all your heart. I wish her the best

[onhazier]

I just wanted to wish you the best of luck. As you transition with your DD, be patient and know that she will need time and your persistance.

[Dmommab]

that your baby is coming home to you & congrats on getting things straightened out in your life so you can be a family again. It will be difficult because the foster mom is the only mom the baby has known BUT give it time. I think it would be nice if the foster mom could continue to visit the baby - maybe at your apartment? It will take time but your daughter will see that YOU are mom & that you are the one that is taking care of her every day. Good luck to you & be patient!

[athikers]

I am on the "other" side of this coin and have watched my foster son suffer deeply as he spends two days a week with us and the rest of the week with his relatives who will be raising him. He has not been able to attach appropriately to them, and I don't believe he will until we are OUT OF THE PICTURE. So, this week, despite the fact that I feel like I'm losing my "son", we will say goodbye one last time and the visits with us will stop, completely, so that he can bond fully where he's at.

I would actually recommend that you request the foster mother just write letters and correspond with you for a LONG time (maybe months, maybe a year) until your daughter has been home for a long time and is very secure with you. Then gradually reintroduce foster mom into her life if that is still what you and foster mom want.

This is what we hope to do with our foster son, since it has not been healthy for us to continue to see him, we are hoping they will allow us to write him letters for some time until it might be healthy for us to re-enter his life on a "visit once in a while" sort of basis.

Your daughter will come around, just imagine what she's been through so it may take awhile. Give her all the extra loving you can muster, even if its not reciprocated at all at first.

Good luck and I'm sure many people here agree with me.... I'm so happy to read about a successful reunification!

[akcskye]

I agree with what everyone is saying about stopping contact until your babe has time to bond with you.

Now, of course, I say stop contact...but I mean your babe and the foster family, for now.

You will most likely find your foster family a wonderful reference of help with your babe at first...what seems to "set her off", what she loves, etc...so I definitely say if you feel like it, include them...they wouldn't have done it had they not cared about her and you...and if it's healthy...keep them involved.

But, as foster parents, they *should* understand your wishes of not contacting her right off for bonding. Sure, it's a hard thing to ask/expect...but if you tell them right off what your intentions are...I think things will be fine.

You are a good mom doing what is best for your children...and your babe deserves what you are doing...congrats on things working out and life getting back in order.

I hope you don't have any setbacks in the future...but if you do and it came to another removal...that's another reason to keep in contact with the prior family...perhaps they could take your babe again IF need be...I will pray that never happens though.

(((HUGS)))

[sgtfirstwife]

As a foster mother on the verge of losing her fc, I would be thrilled if he were going home to such a wonderful home.
Once my child is gone I fear I will never know what happens to him. I have had him since he was two days old.
So like others said, please keep in contact with the foster parents to let them know how she is, but let her bond with you. It would only confuse her to see the foster mom, but please please let her know how the child is doing. Though we are only foster parents and we all know we may have to say goodbye, it is still like having one of our own go.
Thank you for your post.