[minibus]

It was suggested that I cross post here to see if I could gain any more opinions / knowledge. This is an adoptive situation, rather than a foster-adopt and K and J came from their birthmother, so they weren't in multiple placements before they came to us. I do have a background in social services and worked in therapeutic foster care for 4+ years. I am aware of attachment issues and techniques. What I am struggling with is what is normal for a 2 year old, as I've only worked with children 5+ who have bounced from placement to placement.

Thanks in advance for your help!

K (and her brother J) were placed with us a little over a month and a half ago. K is 21.5 months old. She has these spurts where I feel like a puppet to her puppeteer. If she had the words for it, it would go something like:

Pick me up. Oops, I want that that's on the ground. Put me down. Pick me up again. Walk over there carrying me. Let me touch that. Dropped my toy. Put me down. Pick me up again. Sit down. No, stand up. Let me turn off the light. And turn it on again. Now, sit down here. Sit down with your legs open so I can sit between them. No, your left leg is bent. Straighten it. Now your right leg is bent, straighten it too. Get that book for me. Read it to me. No, I'm tired of that book. Get another book. Your leg is bent again. Straighten it.

This can go on basically forever if you let her. And her satisfaction with each "command" lasts about 3 seconds. If you don't do what she wants, then she screams at the top of her lungs until you do it. Today, she was doing this and DH and I finally stopped it. She screamed for probably 30 minutes, non-stop, making herself hoarse in the process.

Does your toddler or a toddler you know do this? How long do you act as a puppet?

[mommytomykids]

She is prooving that she is NOT PLAYING because she gets so angry when you quit letting her control your each move. She is simply wanting to be in control. (By the way this is a totally normal pre-2 thing to do.) I totally agree with the way you handled it by letting her know you were done with the control game (It's not like she was hungry, wet, sick or even just having fun!) She will get the message when you continue to not let her control your every move. And ... she will be a lot happier too.


"How long do you act as a puppet?"

I think you have to know she is actually going from trying to communicate what she needs to just trying to control you and tell you what to do. At that point try to redirect her to a toy or activity and if she wont be redirected, I would say let her cry it out. She will get the point.

[Sam-N-Tony]

That is very normal for a toddler. Very unsatisfied. Testing the limits.

I suggest positive reinforcement and pivoting. If she's requesting things constantly. Don't give in, let her have her fit, completely pivot from her and continue on doing something else. The very second she stops, praise her. Thank you for not screaming, I appreciate it. Let's go do this.

Or try to redirect her, when you see her starting one of her fits. Now some of the things might be her wanting to attach to you, so you need to learn to differentiate the two. 30 minutes in a fit are nothing, i can do that with my eyes closed. I had a 7yr old who would do it for hours.

Luckily, my 2 yr old gets over things very quickly and easily redirected. Though he has fits almost every 30 minutes or so (at least it feels like it), he has learned he's not going to get my attention or get a rise out of me if he's tantruming.

[jbee]

we have a two year old, and two bios also. if there is really nothing wrong that needs action (like pp said, dirty diaper, hungry, etc) i would let her do it herself. you are not a puppet, you are in charge and the mother. sounds like a power thing.
our kids are very independent and know i am not going to do everything for them. they have to at least try wholehartedly first to do something before i will do it for them.
good luck, and invest in earplugs, lol

[EandDmom]

Originally Posted by minibus

She screamed for probably 30 minutes, non-stop, making herself hoarse in the process.

Does your toddler or a toddler you know do this? How long do you act as a puppet?

I wish my foster kids only did a tantrum for half an hour. We get hours straight here from time to time.
Mostly about no I don't want to go to bed. Yes, it is normal and yes it is annoying. Ours also feeds off of each other if one starts the other 2 join in as a we got your back kind of tantrum. Eventually she will learn you can't be controlled but be careful if you give in just once she will learn hey that worked so better keep doing it.
Good luck!! We are starting on month 3 and I think its getting better here. I figure we will get everything calm and perfect about the time they go back home.
Good luck and congrats on your new little ones.

[minibus]

I am so thankful for all of you! I feel like the worst mama ever sometimes!

[Gentin]

My FD does that with everyone - when she first came to live with us a year ago she wanted everyone to "sit" I would tell her that I was busy and that I would come back -she would throw a fit but after a while she realized that I was not going to let her control me and she gave up. I think that kids do this for the control they want to know if the can control you. I believe in breaking that habit at the start - it was hard but you just have to hold to your guns and keep your head up - sometimes you feel awful but you are doing a good thing