[CoolMommy]

The road to fostering was long and hard for my family so we were pretty excited to be placed with a young toddler a month ago. Our worker said the placement would be long term and based on the situation we think TPR could occur. We thought our prayers had been answered... I'm starting to re-think it now.

The foster child(FC) isn't bad in general, but VERY sneaky and jealous. I have a young bio child(BC) that is close in age with this FC. I can't count how many times a day the FC picks fights with my bio baby. The main issue is the FC only wants something when my bio child is interested in it. Examples: 1. BC is playing with a toy and FC will bypass all the other similar toys just to take one away from BC. 2. BC is sitting/standing in front of the TV to watch favorite show, FC will stand in the way and block BC's view. 3. FC is across the room not paying us any attention, BC comes over to me to cuddle then FC stops everything just to come over and try to push BC off of me. I've even heard my older bio children defending the youngest BC when FC was being a bully. I've never seen BC so stressed on a daily basis and it's starting to break my heart.

I'm sure this is typical toddler behavior to some extent but I'M getting sick of it. I'm also feeling guilty for putting my kids (especially the youngest) through all of this. At the same time, I'd feel really bad about "sending FC back". FC follows general directions very well, is quiet, sometimes really goofy and funny, eats very well, and sleeps all night long with no problems. FC also has a ball with the other kids when not being a bully.

What would you do??? Or if you have been there, what did you do??? I'd love to hear any input on the situation. I'm truly on the fence about it.

[sethsmommy]

The comment I wanted to share is that I bet you are feeling a little guilty because your natural feelings are to defend your BC. When we got our two boys I was surprised to have those one-sided feelings. Basically they were competing for our attention and love and since we had not formed a bond like we had with Bio Son we felt a little guilty and even a little resentful. As time goes on and you bond more and more you get more of an even-plane, I guess you could say. They slowly start to become more and more a part of your heart. You probably miss the time and relationship you had with youngest and maybe all Bio Children. I was surprised by that too. It takes time--for us maybe a few months--but they start to grow in your heart. This is just a comment on the feelings you may be having which affects your relationship with the child. These feelings can get better but it just takes commitment to the child and a lot of unconditional love in the meantime. We were commited from the beginning so we knew we had to let time workout the feelings we had in the beginning...hope this makes sense.

I am sure you will get more advice on how to know when the behavior is too much for your family or not. How far apart in age are they and who is older--your bio or the fc? There is also, of course, the child's feelings: craving attention and love. I would say though that is balance between meeting that need like you would your other kids and holding them accountable for their actions and not letting it be an excuse. We decided from the beginning that we would not treat the kids like a victim. Although, certainly they were, life goes on and we expected them to tow the line just like the other kids. Anyway, sorry about the ramble....I hope some of this helps....that is what is nice about this board, you get so many different perspectives. I hope it works out for you. I guess another KEY question is, how long has it been? This is a very emotional process. You need some time.

[MPJJJ]

I would assume that it is part of the adjustment process for your fc. He/She is still very young, and I would give it some more time. You havent said anything that would make me fear for your bio childs safety, and disrupting is only going to damage your fc more at this point.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

When I was visiting my family recently, I saw this type of behavior between my cousin's two kids who are very close in age (the younger was a little older than 1, the oldest barely 2). I also have seen the same type of thing with my friend's daughters who are 1 and 3. I don't have any advice, just wanted you to know that even bio-sibs are sometimes bullies.

[meshsgrl]

dont really have any wonderful advice... but my 2 fkids that came on thurs do the same thing. They are 13 mo apart to the day. bubba seems to think it is his job to take whatever toy baby girl has or see how much he can make her scream. He does it with this mischievous little grin on his face!! On a good day its actually kinda funny, my mom would say what comes around goes around!!
But I sat him down and talked to him... I know you like to tease your sister and I know its fun to make her scream but its not nice to do that, then went on to explain that if he wanted attention there was other was of getting it. I also dont allow him to play with whatever toy he grabbed from her until after lunch/dinner/ next day. Helped today, but who knows how long it will work!

[Bamamom07]

Mom to 5, plus foster mom to 1 FS. Oldest children are twin boys, I remember they had a lot of competition with one another and had some similar behaviors. There are several years between all of my children after the twins. One of my kids' favorite games has always been to aggravate the toddler by playing "my mommy" "no my mommy" which is guaranteed to get the littlest one yelling. Trust me, I don't encourage that-- like when we're at church or somewhere, and the little one has a donut or whatever, somebody will always say "that's my donut!" just to get a rise out of them. So some of that is just people being people and enjoying aggravating a little one. When my fs came home, he was 9, and very sweet and loving (indiscriminately affectionate, and used his cuteness to gain attention). My youngest son was 3, and a mommy's boy. My foster son was mostly very good with him, but for several months was very jealous with him and would sneakily do things to make him yell- poke at him when he thought no one could see him, sneak a toy away. Also, even though he was 9, he would still want to sit in my lap a lot and would want to shove my 3 year old off when he climbed up. It took a lot of patience. A year later, I know my now 4 year old will be extremely upset for a long time if TPR doesn't go through and we don't get to adopt fs-- he loves him so much!!! It has also been really amazing to see the change in our fs and what a wonderful big brother he is-- we do love him dearly and have been through a lot with him, and cannot imagine losing him. (Which is not SUPPOSED to happen- but it aint over til its over, as they say!). All in all, I'd say, you are officially a referee and drill sargeant now and that's just how it is, over time given lots of love and understanding, the kid should settle down and relax when he really FEELS he is loved too.

[stevenstwin]

I guess I had a similar situation, although the ages were very different. I took in a 14 year old when my daughter was 13, and she had problems with it right from the start. He had a lot of verbal rages and similar acting out that did NOT bother my younger child, but my 13 year old is just way more sensitive that way. He also was very jealous of my 13 year old, that therefore quite nasty toward her. This went on for 2 years and I seriously considered having him moved because of this (and actully DID at one point, after a particularly bad rage that had both my children crying in their rooms at 2:00 in the morning on a school night - but we brought him back a month later after negotiating therapy, medication etc). In the end, the Social Worker "suggested" Supported Independent Living to him when he was 16 and a half, so the problem resolved itself. (Lots of OTHER problems as result, mind you, but my home is a more peaceful place and my daughter is much happier).

Originally Posted by CoolMommy

The road to fostering was long and hard for my family so we were pretty excited to be placed with a young toddler a month ago. Our worker said the placement would be long term and based on the situation we think TPR could occur. We thought our prayers had been answered... I'm starting to re-think it now.

The foster child(FC) isn't bad in general, but VERY sneaky and jealous. I have a young bio child(BC) that is close in age with this FC. I can't count how many times a day the FC picks fights with my bio baby. The main issue is the FC only wants something when my bio child is interested in it. Examples: 1. BC is playing with a toy and FC will bypass all the other similar toys just to take one away from BC. 2. BC is sitting/standing in front of the TV to watch favorite show, FC will stand in the way and block BC's view. 3. FC is across the room not paying us any attention, BC comes over to me to cuddle then FC stops everything just to come over and try to push BC off of me. I've even heard my older bio children defending the youngest BC when FC was being a bully. I've never seen BC so stressed on a daily basis and it's starting to break my heart.

I'm sure this is typical toddler behavior to some extent but I'M getting sick of it. I'm also feeling guilty for putting my kids (especially the youngest) through all of this. At the same time, I'd feel really bad about "sending FC back". FC follows general directions very well, is quiet, sometimes really goofy and funny, eats very well, and sleeps all night long with no problems. FC also has a ball with the other kids when not being a bully.

What would you do??? Or if you have been there, what did you do??? I'd love to hear any input on the situation. I'm truly on the fence about it.

[Yash]

You're describing my every day life with my 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 year-olds.

Standing in front of the TV after being asked to move gets you a time out and a discussion on how it's not nice to do that.

If I know who had the toy first that person gets the toy back, which usually results in tears and whomever didn't get the toy following the keeper of the toy around until the keeper puts the toy down.

I read a great article, which worked with my nephews who are 20 months apart, about letting each child play with the toy they are fighting over for exactly one minute a piece. It's amazing how quickly both parties become disinterested in a toy they can only play with for a minute. I really need to start using this one on my kids.

I allow them both to sit in my lap when one is jealous of the other sitting in my lap. Though sometimes this becomes, "Mommy, she's touching me. " "Don't touch me, baby."

As one poster mentioned, this is all more difficult to deal with because you're not as bonded to your FC as you are to your BC. I say give it some more time. If the two are close in age there is bond to be jealous issues, more so for the FC, who is just trying to make sure you love him or her as much as you love your BC.

Good luck.

[hockeywoman]

I agree - these sound like typical behaviors. My kids are very close in age, and go through periods where all they do is aggrivate each other (or exclude one child very specifically when playing).

Do you have specific 1:1 times with each of the children - that all your attention is spent on them? I definitely wouldn't ask to have him moved based on what you've described, but take a look from his perspective. He's not sure how you feel about him, the other kids have a good bond, so he's trying to get attention any way possible, even negative. If possible, ignore his negative behaviors but praise good behaviors (oh look how well you're playing with x today, thank you for eating y so well). At the same time, talk to your kids about the situation and let them express their concerns.

Yup, we did a lot of 2 kid holding when they first moved in - DH had the older 2 and I had the younger 2 - boy, I wasn't used to carrying 70# of weight on my hips! But that helped them a lot, and now rarely do they ask to be carried (except on long hikes ) It's improved now that they feel secure, though we have backtracked a little with all the back to school transitions with my oldest 2.