[Gentin]

I know there is another post about this but I have a few more questions I would love responses on. I have a 2.5 year old FD who has been in my house for 1 year now. She sees her father every tuesday for 3 hours and her mother and bio sister every friday from 2:30-5:30. She comes home from all her visits in such a bad mood - she does what everyone is saying, kicks, hits, and bites. She won't let me console her and she screams for hours. We are in the TPR process - we had our first trial date and we are on the trailing docket for a trial date - they said it could take 3-4 months for that date and it has already been 3 months. Her behavior has gotten to the point that my husband is questioning her being with us. He is not sure if it comes to the point of being able to adopt her it will be worth it - will her behavior change. Do any of you have good stories of bad behavior turning good after visits stop? I love this little girl but since day 1 she has been very very hard - she was in custody for 1 week and we were her second placement - the other family couldn't handle her behavior. Her mother is slightly mentally retarded - how do we know she won't be? She has been tested and is on the lower side of normal but can't get any services
Any advise you might give would be appreciated - sorry this is so long!!!

[Mummy_Big_Bird]

That sounds like so much for your little one to have to go through. Visits are hard enough, but to go through two rounds of it a week just sounds like too much!

My D only gets an hour visit a week, and it has been hard on her. Just that one hour takes her 5 days to recover from! I get 2 days of her acting like herself, then it is back in for a visit again, and we go through the cycle again. (she is 8 months old)

Her goal was officially changed to adoption last week. DCF is now only going to give the mom one visit a month. I feel like I am being a bit selfish, but I am feeling glad that I am only going to have to deal with visits once a month now. It takes too much out of D, resulting in taking too much out of me! Today would have been a visit day. D was so clingy to me yesterday, like she knew a visit was comming! I just kept telling her no visit this week. She did really good today.

I am wondering how she is going to be the next few days.

Stay strong Gentin!

[Gentin]

She has 1 visit a week with her dad for 3 hours and a visit with her mother every other week. She also visits her 3 month old sister that her mother currently has custody of - so she really has a hard time when she sees them both. We are in the process of TPR but nothing has changed with visits. The other thing is this weekend her maternal grandmother is getting married and they invited my husband, my self and our 2 kids so our FD would be able to go. The CW didn't see that it would be a problem but I said NO!! I am not about to go to something like that with her family that is too much to ask! She is going so I have her mother and sisters visit with her on friday and a visit with her mother's whole family on saturday - it is going to be so much fun!! My weekend is going to be shot.

[hubbyswife]

Wow- that's what my lil one is doing, hitting, kicking, spitting his drink out, crying for every little thing ..... It's been a rough week...

He had a visit w his bparents last week for an hour.... He hadn't seen bmom since Feb and bdad over a year ago...

[Gentin]

seriously will this behavior change when and if visits stop? anyone have advice or comments on that?

[jbee]

our fs17 had a rough week after this last visit (overnight at gmas every two weeks). usually the defiance and butt headedness only lasts a day or two, but last time it escalated into him trying to charge dh, and acting like he was trying to poke dh with a screwdriver. also more swearing, a very small tolerance for correction, and trying to run off. he goes to visit and has no restriction or rules, then comes here and has a hard time transitioning back. his p.o. talked to him and told him he will lose his visits if he dosen't straighten up next time. so we will see.
i don't have alot of experience with little ones, but our older kids we've had, if there is time between visits that is longer than usual it gets better...until the next visit.

[SHAMROX]

I have posted on this subject before - but you need to, with or without assistance from the sw, contact your closest attachment and bonding therapist. There aren't many, so hopefully you have one close by. My son did many of the same things and the attachment therapist explained why. My son isn't even full-on RAD, he's got "disorganized attachment". There is help out there but the sooner the better.

[aedems]

Is she acting out specifically after visits or are you seeing this all of the time? Unfortunately your visits are spread apart that you can't really say it takes her three days to recover and then her behavior is better because then she is back to visiting with the other parent! And why if you are going to TPR is she visiting sometimes up to 3 hours a day??? And, I'm happy for you and happy for the child if adoption is in her best interest, but how are they going to TPR when the mother has her 3-month-old at home with her! This system leaves no room for common sense!!

Some of the more experienced fmoms on here can chime in on the following:
1. My first thought is, if you are seeing the behavior all of the time, to try to have the visits moved closer together, maybe one right after the other or the next day after, to see if there is a difference in her behavior a few days later. BUT my concern is her behavior might actually increase because it is too much "stimulation" for her at one time...? Have you discussed this behavior with your SW?
2. If you are seeing this behavior all of the time, as an above poster said, I would get a therapist involved to get their expert opinion on attachment, cognitive development, etc.

Keep us posted and best of luck!!! It is a bumpy road!

[Jo Ellen]

I have been reading the posts and as an adoptee would like to comment on the topic of visits and behavior. I am 46 years old and have been reunited 2 1/2 years. I have a good relationship with my bparents who have been married 40 years. We have visits every few months or more often when possible. We had one stretch of a visit a month for 3 months and we talk on the phone weekly. As a child I knew nothing about my bparents but always wanted to know them and I thought more of my bmom. I wondered would I know her .... would she know me if we ever came face to face. I know after our weekend visits I come home on a high and then as days pass I see myself going into a low time and it is obvious to my family and some friends. I realize we all have different situations and I have maturity that the children talked about here cant have as young as they are but I will say the same emotions are there. Going through this there has got to be some confusion as to what is going on. I think it is great that they can be with their bparents as much as possible and for the ones that are so young they need time to sort out their feelings and all they know at their stage in life is to act out. I just want to say for those of you foster/adopt I hope you will give these children a chance to adjust to this and to not make a decision of the childs and your future based on their behavior after a particular visit when they are doing what they can to cope. As a child and young adult I had a lot of issues I didnt understand and wasnt sure why I was acting in ways I was at the time. However, through my search and reunion and with much reading and support of friends here I am now able to sort through those issues to better understand myself. Best wishes to you all in your journeys and you have time with these precious children.

[KIDZRUS]

We have a fd that we wne through simialiar problems with. My suggestion to you would be to document everything and report to the CW. I would send an email every week following visit stating the behaviors I was seeing. I also would CC in her therapist. The benifit was that the visiations were cut back. In fact I was told that the therapist is the only one that can amend visitaion without causing leagal issues later. If the counselor states that the child is going through too much stress or emotional upset they can recommend the visitaion be changed. I would try that approach, especailly given the pernding termination.
Also hold in there. This is such an emotional time for any child. Our Fd's boiparents just surrendered and her behavior has started to balance out and she's feeling I think more stable. good luck!

[c.a]

Yes - there is hope!!

As I said in my reply on the other post, we went through months of post-visit-all-night melt downs.

In July '07, we signed an open adoption agreement with bmom and her rights were voluntarily surrendered. We went 7 months without a visit. Last March we had our first post adoption visit. (He was 2 months short of his 3rd birthday). We met at a local library for story hour and stayed to play for about an hour after. We were with him the entire time. The visit was fine and post visit was fine - no problem - no melt down. In fact for the next week he talked about going to the library to play with "I" and "K" (half sib).

A few months later we went to our library and he asked if "I" and "K" were going to be there. We are scheduling another visit in about two weeks.

In fact, it is so much better now that I forget how traumatic it was. Now I just have a wonderful, funny, happy, well adjusted, marvelous . . . . little boy.

I sometimes think that the melt downs were my personal version of the pains of childbirth. You know how they tell you that after giving birth, the hormones kick in and help you forget about the pain? Well, after adoption something similar happens and about a year later, the memory of the meltdown trauma fades. Every once in a while you think back and say - wow, that was rough. But it's great now.

[AmahMama]

Does she say anything about her "wants and wishes"? Maybe she is acting out because everytime she is left a a visit - she is afraid that you are going to "leave" her too. Just like her bio's did - and the other foster family. Maybe to make sure she is reassured that you will be back for her - that this is a visit - and only a visit. The process of TPR is scary for a young child - IMHO they are given way to much information. It scares them because they don't understand. And as the pp said - document, document, document. I sent emails after every single "Bad visit" reaction - that way I had a time/date stamp and a copy of each one. Hopefully you can get the visits cut back - one per week.... maybe dad 1 week, mom the next. For the mental health of the child - and to ease transition to adoption.

Good luck and God Bless

[kxl164]

My son has visits from the age of 2 (just turned 2) until he was just over 3. For 3 days after a visit he was in what we called "melt-down mode"- all day long.

It took 3 days for him to process a visit and become less scared and more able to function again. Then he would go into melt-down mode if things changed, or something happened that he didn't like or scared him. Any change in routine, any perceived threat would throw him into this mode, but it was much less severe than the constant of the 3 days post visits.

If he had visits on a Tuesday and a Friday, he would have been in melt-down mode constantly. There would have been no relief for him.

He did not move forward developmentally during the year he was with us and had visitation. The stress of visits rendered him incapable of processing anything else. And he had 3 calm (mostly) days per week.

We were able to see this pattern though because he never had more than 1 visit, either per week or every other week. No matter the frenquency he had 3 days of chaos following a visit.

4 weeks after visitation ended he started to really calm down. 2 months after visits ended he began to make huge developmental leaps forward. 1 year after visits ended he began to really trust that we weren't going to leave him and he was safe.

Now he goes into meltdown-mode rarely. It still happens, but it takes a lot more to get him to that point and we can help him out of it now, which we were not able to do until 6 months after visitation ended.

It does get better, but it doesn't go away. I would see if you could get her a little relief and schedule the visits either closer together or on the same day. See if it makes a difference because she sounds like a little girl who is in a lot of pain.

Good Luck!

[Gentin]

Thank you everyone for your responses - I do daily documentation which is tedious but good. I email the caseworker and GAL when she has melt downs and make sure to write exactly what is going on. Obviously you all know that foster care funding has been cut back or at least in Maine it has been SO I don't have a therapist for her - I do it all myself which is crazy. They talked about a therapist a long time ago but nothing has happened with that. She is not so bad after her father's visits - she usually won't even say goodbye to him and wants me to walk her to the van. She has melt downs after mom.

Another thing I wanted to bring up is Mom is in a group home for young mothers with children. I have to talk to her every thursday to give her an update and she was telling me how she is trying to put her new baby down more and not be so attached to her. She told me she is having problems with night terrors and in her dream she was hitting her father and she woke up hitting her 2 month old baby. The response of the state, the group home and her counselor was to get her so the baby sleeps in her own bed and that was it. I was apalled.

Court is Wednesday so wish me luck the GAL is pushing to have the TPR trial pushed up faster because this poor little girl is in distress. I just wish the parents would see that we are a good fit for her.

Sorry this was long

Geneva