[suzyq18]

Here we go again... its 11 PM and we've had a major screaming wake up fit ... after a family visit.
This time no mom, just the siblings.
They played for an hour at Mc Donalds. This was a good visit. So we thought.
I don't get it... he's totally a different baby after these visits. They are court ordered so we don't have a choice.
Last time, he vomited and woke up every two hours. He was sick for the next few days. That was a visit with biomom and sibs.
Any suggestions? Help!!!

[Withay]

How old is this little guy? Many times fc have meltdowns or other symptoms after visits.

I would recommend journaling after each visit. Be sure to only record facts ie: X vomited xx times after the visit or X was inconsolable for xx hours after the visit or X woke screaming and was awake and crying for xx amount of time.

Email this information to the cw after EVERY visit. They need to know how it is affecting your fs so it can be reported to the court.

[greenrobin]

It's stressful for the kids, no matter who they visit.

Our fs had tons of issues right after placement. We had out of control behavior after visits--he thought he was going home and didn't like it one bit that he didn't. Then we had no visits for 6 months and he got used to living with us full time. Now visits have restarted and he cried when we left, but did pretty well otherwise.

For him, and to a lesser extent his little sister, the visits bring up all of his conflicted or hidden feelings. He has trouble feeling and identifying his emotions. He loves his family, but he was hurt there. Very confusing.

Withay is right. Document it all and send it to the cws. They add it to the file and lets them know how it's going. For our kids, the visits are closely supervised, partly because of the stuff that came out after the visits.

[c.a]

I was there just 18 months ago. My FS, from 18-22 months was having three hour visits with one hour unsupervised. Post visit meltdowns are one of the hardest things I've dealt with as a foster parent (as a parent period).

After every visit it would be total meltdown until I would finally put him to bed, completely exhausted. I did use the advice noted by prior posts and I agree. I kept a journal, talked with the social workers and during the next foster care review used my notes to advocate for shorter visits.

It also gave me credibility when I advocated for timing of the visits - (1) don't make it mid-day - going to day care, then to a visit, and then back to day care is too many transitions for a 2 year old and it is stressful enough for him already (2) if he is going to have a melt down, please don't put that kind of stress on my day care who has 5 other kids to deal with and (3) he needs to know that I will be there for him after every visit.

I would also suggest that you schedule nothing on visit days. Just go home to as quiet an environment as you can - and then let him have his meltdown.

But set aside the advocacy for the child bit here - let me share with you what helped me to cope. One day after a three hour post visit melt down, I was feeling very frustrated and questioning my every move. Why can't I console him? Am I doing something wrong? What can I do to make this easier (for all of us)? And when I sat down I picked up the book "Touchpoints" by T. Barry Brazelton. In one chapter he talks about picking kids up from day care. He describes a scene where the parent, who has been at work and missing their child all day, just wants to pick them up and have a joyous reunion - a great night, a fun dinner, happy bedtime. Instead the child has a melt down and the parent feels rejected. Brazelton says (and I'm not quoting directly so please forgive me Dr. Brazelton) is that your child has saved up all of his frustration - all of his stress throughout the day and finally lets go when he is with the one person he knows loves him unconditionally, whose love and care he does not question.

And that is what got me through the meltdowns. My FS trusted me enough to totally let go of every emotion and work through every bit of stress.

So I guess my advice is this: the meltdowns suck (am I allowed to use that word on the forums?) and there is no way to get around it. But know that you are doing a great job. That if he feels free to completely release his rawest emotions, you must be effectively providing him with a safe, loving and trustworthy home. You and your family are doing a great job.

Good luck. And keep reaching out for support. It will get better.

[Gentin]

My fd will be 3 in October - she sees her mother every other friday and her Dad every tuesday - every day when she gets home she has a melt down and it lasts at least 1-2 days! She screams, hits, kicks, bites and throws things at me! It really stinks but she is getting out her frustration - the hard part for me is we went to court on June 3rd for the start of our TPR trial and we are on the trailing docket for a trial due to the parents contesting BUT right now dad is not following his case plan at all and we have a court date but it is just a 6 month judicial review. I document everything and the GAL is bringing it up to the judge to try to get the case put on faster due to my FD being in distress. I know what you are going through it sucks...

[lovecreatesafamily]

I can totally relate. Our fd, 2yr, has a lot of aggression after visits. She is biting, kicking, crying at everything, and at night will refuse to take her bottle. It takes her 2 - 3 days to get over the visit and it bothers her for about 4 nights. She will not let us console her. She will not let us touch her and will scream when we try to talk to her. I just pray my way through and continue to love her the best I know how. I know that seems vague but I too don't know what else to do.

[Gentin]

I have had a meeting with my FD's GAL and she tells me this is normal behavior and my response to that was "well it is really sad that you have to mess the child up before you realize and take away the parental rights!" She said it is really hard. Wow it just really is awful what these kids go through!

[suzyq18]

Thank you all for writing here.
Sometimes I feel so alone and don't know who to turn to with these issues.
It is so amazing to have this board as a resource to share our story.
I am journalling our FS story. Just the facts and tryign to keep out the emotion. It's hard to do it but I'm doing it for him.
We also had our first visit today (only been asking for months) with the SW Therapist. She also told us this behavior is common after visits.
Knowing that he can trust us so much to release all this raw emotion makes me feel a little better. We have to be there for him and support him when he's so confused. When he gets this way, I want to cry with him. He is such a sweet boy and its hard to see him this way.
Suzy