[shycar]

Here is more update. This is with my dh. My dh has been trying so hard to bond with Punky. He really has been. He takes her to the park by himself with her. He has been holding her when he is home. He plays with her. But today he told me that he still cant feel it. I know she is a hard baby to bond with and Im not angry becouse I can see he is trying. Here is the problem. Punky already has behavior issues. DH is not sure he can handle it for ever. Me well I dont know if its age or not.

Punky has always had some behavior things that make us go, hmmm. Punky's new thing is this. If she does not get her way she will stick her finger in her mouth and make herself sick. She hates the car seat, so she does this several times in one ride. My car reaks right now. She also does this if I do not buy her what she wants at the store or if I tell her no and redirect her. So now we are affraid to go out with her (its pretty gross). I have told her no and she laughs at me and stick her finger right in and pukes all over the place. I have never experienced this, so not sure what to do.

There are other things that bother my hubby, like when she pinched me so hard and left a bruise and then laughed when I told he it hurts. Like when she bit my dd so hard it left a bruised and laughed when she cried and try to do it again on the other cheek. I can not leave the baby near her (thats even if Im holding the baby), becouse she will bite him, pinch him and laugh if he cries. She makes my ds cry all the time becouse she is so agressive with him. There are many more things. So anyways this has my dh worried. He thinks that she might have more issues then we can handle. He is affraid she might have some mental health issues, like her bmom. I think some is age, but I know some is FAS. So dh is back to square one, unsure, leaning twords more to no. He is still trying though.

Here is the odd thing. If anyone can explain this please do. Some days she is like a different child. Yesterday she was happy and having fun and being sweet and cuddleing. Just like any one yr old, you tell her no and redirect and was fine, some minor crying, but nothing big. Today she was soo different. Very aggressive, cries and screams for any little thing, making herself throw up. She will be a happy baby for a few days and then bam she is this aggresive baby. She can be happy a few days or just one day and then a aggressive baby for a few days or one day (sometimes a whole week) I do not think its the visits, becouse when there was no visits for two months, she would do this. This is how its been since the day she arrived. Oh and on bad days she tries not to look at your eyes or face, does not like to be held or touched. You cant even talk to her or she will try to pinch or bite. Its really odd, we never know who she will be in the morning.


I think thats why dh keeps changing his mind, we get this happy normal baby and then the next we get this baby that no one can please. So any suggestion please? I really love her, but if my dh is not feeling any bond then I know we can not adopt her. So suggestions please.

[RobinKay]

I know it's hard, but maybe you are not the best place for her. She has some serious problems, and you have to protect your baby.

[SHAMROX]

Have you guys talked to an attachment and bonding therapist? My little guy was 19 months old when I got him and had it been recommended to me to see this type of therapist, I would have avoided a lot of pain and frustration. I wonder if they'd be able to tell if she has any mental issues also. Attachment and bonding issues are so huge and sometimes I wonder if they manifest in ways that are extraordinary like this. Good luck, I know this is hard.

[Mystik]

Wow this is pretty shocking stuff for a 14 month old. My *A* is 17 months and not even near coordinated enough to figure out how to shove her own finger down her throat. I can't even imagine! For that I'd try spraying her hands with bitter apple as soon as you strap her into the car seat and if she really wants to stick her fingers in her mouth after that it will be quite unpleasant. Perhaps more so than the vomiting? Who knows, but it's worth a shot. I'm a meanie I know!

[greenrobin]

I once worked with a little girl, 5 at the time, who threw up at will whenever she did not get her way. She was in an early childhood class. She'd go all drama queen and then start gagging. This child had all kinds of delays--speech, learning, emotional. She was going deaf. A year later, she saw a super specialist who repaired her ear problems and she was able to lose the special needs label. She caught up in everything, including stopping the vomitting.

I'm really sorry for this challenge for everyone at your house. I'm sure you've already thought about going to the doctor/therapist. Maybe she's having pain? I know that when our student was physically uncomfortable her behaviors were off the charts.

[carlychan]

Wow! I can not imagine my 1 year old doing this stuff. Although, he does laugh when I tell him no if he pinches me (not on purpose). Is it possible she just thinks the crying is funny? I don't think a child that young can understand that they are hurting someone else. She sounds like she is willfully manipulating but I don't think a 1 year old would have that much awareness. Does that make sense? I would take her to a therapist for sure. Maybe they can shed some light on your problems. Good luck!

[MPJJJ]

I second the bitter apple suggestion. You'd get it in the pet isle of any store, that just might do the trick. Hope things get better soon!

[arkansas parent]

My neice use to put her fingers in her mouth to make herself sick at around the same age as Punky. It started when she threw up in her crib in the middle of the night and my sister let her sleep with them. After that everytime my sister would put her in her crib she would make herself sick. Sis finally just left her in the crib with vomit on her cloths and in the crib ( for just a little while). She hated it so much she didn't do it anymore.

[EZ2Luv]

Sound like this little one might need to be an only child or at least in a home where there are no other targets of her aggressive behaviors. I know my kids went through their biting hitting stages but it was shrt lived and only because of their frustations with inability to cverbalize and communicate.
It sounds like she is pretty consistant with her behaviors and while she has her good days, your DH does have some valid concerns especially if there have been no improvements.
It is obvious that you both love her, but we all know that some children are not goig to be a great fit with some families. You DH is trying, but also thinking realistically. Some kids just need that constant one on one from parents and the only way for that to happen is to be an only child or the youngest child with older children that they do not see as competition or easy prey.

EZ

[Becki_in_IN]

How about a behavior specialist? I wonder if they have ever seen one this young.

I went to eat at an acquaintances house the other night. Her dd had major issues including speech problems, behavior problems, the whole nine yards. When she started bleeding from the mouth, someone suggested cutting out dairy. They tried it for 6 weeks and low and behold that was their magic bullet. (we haven't found ours yet.) It might be worth a try.

[athikers]

I would have to side with hubby on this one. Sounds like his instincts are telling him to protect his wife and kids!

I have a puker who has been able to make himself throw up since he was just over 12 months old. Isn't it fun? Hang in there.

[Godsbiggerplan721]

The behavior (great days and awful days) sounds like bipolar which they are able to diagnose at a very young age nowadays.

I think its very normal for your husband to want to protect his family. I definitely suggest seeing a doctor about the behavior. Perhaps keep a detailed journal for about two weeks of day to day things, what was eaten, activities done and exact detailed behavior whether it was a good day or bad, write it all down.

Leslie

[kxl164]

You are in a rough spot.

When our children came (siblings) my husband bonded with one right away and I bonded with the other. The child I bonded with was my husband's "ideal" placement, and vice versa. The problem for me was that the child I didn't bond with (right away) had so many behaviors (persistent screaming being number one) that drove me up the wall. The child I did bond with also had behaviors (severe tantrum, self-mutilation, aggression, dissassociating), but since he was more or less an added bonus to our family (in my own head) I was able to deal with it much more easily.

It took a lot of time for me to fully bond with our one child, and the same is true for my husband with the other. We said it was lucky for us that were siblings, because if they came individually I don't know if we would have adopted either and/or given ourselves as much time to really bond and attach to each other.

Many of the behaviors that you are describing sound to me like attachment issues exacerbated by age and and developmental concerns (such as FAS).

The puking is her way of manipulation and honestly if she is smart enough to do that already I think she is marked for good progress later on, it shows she is quick to learn and does understand some cause and effect which is usually very hard for FAS children. The aggression and laughing are common for attention seeking at this age, but probably made worse by her probable attachment issues and FAS.

It sounds like she craves chaos. When her world is crazy she feels more comfortable; when things are going well and she can cuddle and such she gets scared and needs to act out. My one child is like this, and after 2.5 is still like this, but with time it is getting less and less severe.

I do not think she will ever be an easy child to parent, but whether or not that should stop you from adopting her is a different story. Six months isn't a very long time for her to have learned that security is OK and that chaos isn't the norm.

I understand your and your husband's concerns. And I think it is wonderful that you both are very open to talking about them and wanting to make the best choice for Punky and for your family. I believe that whatever you choose will be the right choice, because your concerns are those of committed and caring parents.

Having been there myself, with children who were similair to Punky, I can tell you that it does get better, but it doesn't go away, just lessens and changes over time. Our children's behaviors NOW are no where near as severe as they were then, but it took over a year to even get them to start lessening, visits ending were a big piece of that because the visits themselves were a form of chaos to them, and after that is was a slow step forward, regression, more steps forward, regression and so on....

Tips for the puking: cover her and her car seat with a poncho (she will probably try to find way to puke on anything but the poncho though!); find a way to secure her hands, at least in car, so that she cannot gag herself; every time she puts her hands toward her face, physically move her hands away from her face and tell her (over and over) that we don't put our hands near our face. If she does have FAS the last one will take a VERY long time to have any effect, but with constant repition, (and it would have to be constant which is very hard with your other little ones around) it will hopefully sink in eventually.

I would also recommend an evaluation for Sensory Integration Issues, Processing Issues, and Attachment Issues. I like the suggestion of a behavioral therapist, and/or attachment therapist. I think someone working in your home with you and Punky would be ideal, because she will need to learn that home is a safe place.

Best of luck with your family and your decision!