[yohanna]

I have been doing foster care for about six months now, our second placement is FS age 11 and FD age 4, we have had them for 4 months.
I love caring and nurturing children, my husband and I did kinship care for our nieces for most of there lives, they are now married and moms themselves.
As we are all aware that a lot of the kids in foster care have lots of emotional needs as well as kids who were not in foster care.
My problem is more my husband, he is not involved much with the kids as I would like, he helps taking them to school and picking them up and will occasionally
spend time with the kids, he seems to be closer and pays more attention to FD and I think that's because he is use to girls.
I'm emotionally tired of trying to convince him that he needs to be more involved with the kids, he does not mind doing stuff with them as long as it involves
me in the picture, FS told the Social worker that he does not think that FDad likes him and that he know that I love him and will do anything for him
but FDad will not and that he miss's his dad a lot. the kids heard us arguing once because I was begging him to spend time with them and do something
with them. I want to continue to do foster care because I love doing it but I think that we are harming them when they clearly see that only one is committed
to loving them. Don't get me wrong, my husband is a very good man, he is only doing the foster care because of me he knows that it's what makes me happy,
I really believe that he just does not know how to be a nurturing dad, how can we get some training on this? I'm wondering if it's not in you then maybe it never
will be, I mean I was not nurtured by my mom and I had no father figure in my life. My husband thinks that I give to much to the kids but I told him it's because
they don't get it from anybody else. Should I stop fostering once this placement leaves?
I dont think it's fair to them that he is this way and I dont think I can get upset at my husband if he does not feel what I feel, these two that we or lets say that i have know that they are special and loved but they only feel it from me

[ca-bigsister]

Is there something that they both like and could do a structured activity together?

Like taking a tennis lesson, going on a hike with other parents, something structured so not all of the pressure is on your husband, but something fun that they both would like to do? It could be anything from making a model to miniature golf, to paintballing, to going to the bookstore and hearing a storytelling, I don't know but if it were something fun, maybe they could bond over that.

Sometimes people really don't have anything in common with other people, or don't have natural chemistry. That's probably my FD (formerly my Little Sister through the mentoring program) and me.

My FD is completely the opposite of me. She's a great singer and dancer; I am not. She's not very good at school; I am and am a teacher and was all As in school. She hates museums, history and politics. I've always been involved politically. She's very social and loves big crowds. I like smaller, intimate groups.

But we've found things we both like to do together, like roller coasters, hiking, yoga. We both love musical theater and go to musicals together. That helps us to have things to do together and bond over.

It may take a while for your husband to find things in common with your FS. However, I think that if you are putting pressure on him to bond, that may make it even harder for it to naturally occur.

I would get the family together and create a vision board. You get old magazines, scissor, glue and a really big poster board. Everyone cuts out things that they really like - it could be a picture of an animal or just something that they are emotionally tied to. You get all of these pictures. It could also be things you want to do - go on a cruise, go to an amusement park, a hobby, whatever. Cut out what you like to do , and then together, create a vision board as a family by gluing the pictures together and hang it in a prominent place where everyone sees it. That helps families to bond and also to see what common goals are.

You might be surprised what comes out of it.

[yohanna]

Thanks for responding, did not think of that, will try the vision board. thanks again...

[CaddoRose]

Sometimes people need to be told the exact thing to do. In this case, it may be that your DH doesn't really understand the the idea of nurturing that you do and you might need to be the one who arranges the events that put the FS with your DH. If it is possible, work out some way for DH and FS to do things together but don't tell him that's what your doing. Let's say maybe FS needs school supplies or sporting things or whatever. Send him and DH to the store together. I'm sure you can think of all sorts of ways to pull this off.

The vision board sounds like a great idea. Maybe the two guys could work on one together and the girls to do one to and then as a family make one. It's possible they have similar likes and they don't even know it yet.

[MamaS]

If DH is willing to do things with the kids if you are along, maybe he misses having you to himself? Can you schedule a "date night" and go somewhere and do something without involving the kids? It sounds like you are a very involved Mom. Maybe he needs to feel like he is still #1? Also, instead of asking DH to do things with the kids, get the kids to do things with DH. If DH likes golf, maybe the family could go to a Miniature Golf place. If DH likes cars, maybe FS could help him wash the car. If DH is willing maybe he could take a kid along on errand runs -- with a suggestion from you that they end with ice cream?

[AmyAnne]

IT could be that DH is suffering PADS (Post ADoptive Depression Syndrome. Or in your case, Post Placement Depression)... we went through that in our house also

[diane beth]

Maybe you could try reminding the kids of the things he does for them. When kids know that Dad is out working all day to help provide for the things they need and for special things in life they will warm up more. When my bios were young my dh was a workaholic. I constantly reminded them of how hard he worked for them. This did help although him being home more would have been better. Take the kids to see him at break time and take some lunch along. My dh used to love that! A little time is better than no time. It is very hard to change someone else. Arguing usually makes it worse. Little things go a long way. I wouldn't quit just yet.

[Chancey]

Your DH sounds a lot like mine and I'm guessing that I have been somewhere in the vicinity of what your relationship is like. I say this not to be mean at all, but just to tell you what I have learned:

I think part of what you are going through is you want your husband to live to your standards and expectations. You want him to change. I was there, did that... As my DH and I separated because of this, I took a step back and looked at my control issues and realized I had to let go. I could not tell him what to do. I finally did come to the realization that "although the trash is overflowing and biting him in the ankle, I would have to ask him to take it out instead of him just realizing that it needed to be done".

My husband loves our bio son as much as I do, but he is not as nurturing and does not show his affection as I do. He does spend time working with him at baseball. I have come to appreciate the time that he does spend with our son, and know that that is the way he is.

You may have to let go of your expectations of what you want your husband to do and let him be who he is. Additionally, it looks like the kids are picking up on your issues (by hearing your argument and maybe other clues). If you don't make it a big deal they won't. With us, the foster kids always REALLY bond to me, and "like" my husband, but don't bond like they do to me. That is ok.