[kdoll514]

I know that the main goal in fostering is reunification with parent and child, but why do I feel like as a foster mother I get the short end of the stick. I feel like the state bends backwards to help the parents and makes me jump through hoops. I have a precious baby (3 weeks old) and I've had her since the day after she left the hospital. I have made as many accomodations for her as I know how. I've taken off of work so that she can get to the doctor to have extra test ran etc. It's not been a problem. The problem I have is this, the baby was born in another county, and I've been told that unless I can make arrangements to pick her up on visitation day, she will be removed from me and put in a foster home in her county. I have bent over backwards to find someone who can help me with her pick up on visitation day, but I did ask the worker if we could move visitation to a day when I'm off work, and she has yet to respond to me. The baby is a long term placement, and I don't want her to leave, but I think the worker/state needs to be more open to working with me also. Why do we jump through hoops and try to please a parent who obviously can't or doesn't want to be a parent? I thought the parent was supposed to work and make an effort to show they are ready to have their child back and to raise them. What should be a happy and blessed moment for me is now a stressful one. It just doesn't seem fair to me.

[kydz_7]

You are just starting the beginning of a long rollarcoaster ride....I dont say that to scare you but it is the truth in being a fosterparent. It is always about providing for the birthparents BUT It took me a longtime to understand why...HERE IT IS, The county/state have to prove THEY went ABOVE AND BEYOND to give the birthparents every opportunity to get thier child back...OR a future TPR on this child will crumble. Hang on tight as you go through the process...seems you get the short end of the stick BUT in the end (if you are hoping to adopt) you are the one rewarded. Remember to never interfere with the process, remain neutral, as interferance with case plan is reason enough to pull a child from you. Good luck & try,try,try to not ride the rollarcoaster of your case, it will reduce the frustration to not get upset at every twist and turn

[blubutterflies03]

Hey Kdoll,

Hopefully they can move the visit day to a day you are off. Most of the time they will have the visits on a day that is good for everyone.

I have found out too that they will make sure they give the birthparents all the resources available to them because like someone else said they have to give the birthparents their chances.

I wish you the best as you foster this little one and hope God protects the baby!

[AmahMama]

I don't know where you are but.... if they had had anyone in the other county to take the baby - you wouldn't have gotten her anyway.. Ask again for the visit to be on your day off. Tell them you are more than willing to transport (many, many foster parents do not transport at all) if they can accomodate your schedule. Sometimes (but not all) the threats are empty and just they way an overworked, overstressed cw will deal with anything that is not in their favor. If the problem is that the Bio works that day - then maybe you can see about changing your day. I've had bios fight tooth and nail for a certain visit time - everyone changes everything around for this particular time - and then they don't show.

It is a rollercoaster ride even if you aren't able to adopt this little one. The ride is for the child. We know better. Can you just imagine being a child that thinks it is the "way of life" to visit Mom or Dad weekly for an hour with a person to supervise? It is pitiful the way the "system" treats these children - like throwaways - Make every effort to accomodate the bios so they can produce more children for the taxpayers to raise for them - but lets not do "preventative maintenance" on the future generation - which is being raised in foster homes and in children's shelters... I know we can't second guess what is "going to happen" - but the scarcasm is taking over - the bio's rights should be second to the child's rights - instead of the other way around. And this is why they talk often in support meetings - about foster parent burnout. It is a different kind of stress than you'll have ever had before. But the smiles and hugs and knowing in your heart that you kept a child safe - even for a short time (as happens sometimes) - is soooo worth it.

Good luck!

[Becki_in_IN]

You know sometimes visits are only on a certain day of the week or maybe biomom has all ready gotten a job and can only come on a certain day. You never know. Remember, you are the one that is being paid by the county to take care of this child. That is probably why they expect you to provide transportation whenever they ask. (I use to have visits in my house and I would much rather take the kids to visits elsewhwere anytime.) I never was asked when it was convenient. I was just told. That's the way it is.

As someone all ready said, the courts have to bend over backwards for bioparents so when it comes to TPR there will be grounds to terminate. And besides, some bios really get their act together and they deserve to have the kids back.

[afamilythroughfoster]

When we were fostering my son I only worked two days a week. CW would schedule every visit, appt, etc on those two days. After taking off work and moving my scheule around several times I finally requested they pick him up from the babysitter's. Eventually, they moved his appts to my days off and cw's transported both him and his parents to their weekly visits.
Scare tactics are common with DSS. See if they can meet you halfway. Can you p/u and cw drop off? If the parents are in another county, can the parents come or be brought to your local DSS? In the end, DSS knew your work schedule when they gave you the baby. It's their responsibilty to get that baby to appts. Surely you are not the only working parent in their district.
Good luck. Like another poster said. The first one can be the hardest for "breaking in" and understanding how the system works.

[diane beth]

Thanks kydz_7 for your post. I think that is just what I needed to hear this week. My fd case is officially on the rollercoaster this week. Good advice! ~di

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by Becki_in_IN

Y Remember, you are the one that is being paid by the county to take care of this child. That is probably why they expect you to provide transportation whenever they ask. (I use to have visits in my house and I would much rather take the kids to visits elsewhwere anytime.) I never was asked when it was convenient. I was just told. That's the way it is.

Wow. I don't know about where you are, but where I am, we are not paid by the county. We are partially, and only very partially, reimbursed for the money we spend on the kids. $387 a month isn't enough compensation for me to agree that the county can order me to disrupt my schedule and transport whenever they ask. (In fact, I'm not even sure $387 pays for the gas!)

I think if DSS wants people to become foster parents and stay in the system, they have to treat us like the volunteers we are. When you think of it, we provide more labor at less cost than anybody else involved in the system. It seems to me that this should be paid for in respect, not in disregard.

[snc2007]

I thought I had the lowest reimbursement at $13.04/day but you have edged me out!

[rottymom]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

Wow. I don't know about where you are, but where I am, we are not paid by the county. We are partially, and only very partially, reimbursed for the money we spend on the kids. $387 a month isn't enough compensation for me to agree that the county can order me to disrupt my schedule and transport whenever they ask. (In fact, I'm not even sure $387 pays for the gas!)

Just want to add, I am very sure I am not being paid to foster...I am providing the love and care my fbaby needs while his parents figure out what they are doing. The money I recieve at the end of the month is to help cover the cost my family incurs from taking care of their baby.

Also, I fostered and then adopted a baby outside my county. I was working at the time and did find it difficult to arrange the visit but I tried as hard as possible to be available. I finally asked for a week notice so I could make arrangements with my time.

I think we all understand how hard it is for someone to get off drugs and find a job. Their job might not be a set schedule so it might be more difficult for them to set a particular day. The caseworker is responsible for getting the child to and from visits...but if you want to have a good relationship with the caseworker I suggest being more flexible.

They knew your home environment before they placed the child. The caseworker should not be threatening you about placing the child into another home. I would report this to the caseworker's supervisor.

[MassachusettsMom]

Transport was a huge issue with us. CW was supposed to do transport, but we ended up spending an entire day twice per month transporting, waiting, and transporting back for our FS. That was an entire day taken off of work, plus the expense of a 100+ mile trip (with gas at $4 per gallon). I even had to do transport for the transition visits when the court ordered RU.

I will NOT do transport for BP visits in the future. I will tell DCF upfront, and they can decide if they can find a more appropriate local family.

In your case, I'd advise you to pick your battles carefully. But your request does not sound unreasonable. And they absolutely should be working with you in the best interest of the child.

Good luck.

[kdoll514]

It seems as if the cw is willing to work with me. I found someone who is willing to help me transport and my cw even offered to switch to a day that was convenient for her. She even offered to switch it now to the day that I will be off when I'm out of training. I think what frustrated me most was the fact that they knew my schedule before I accepted the baby. It is ok now, the baby is staying and we have managed to work out the transportation. Thanks for your repsonses.

[ALfostermom]

like someone said earlier if they had someone in their co to take the baby , you wouldn't have her in the first place. but they plan the visits around the bp family because it is her child and her visit. that being said in our county it is DHR responsibility to line up transportation wheter it is the caseworker or a paid transporter. Good luck and hold your ground, if you have to give up this child there will be another one that comes along that needs you. You can't risk losing your job for a child you might not get to keep in the end. I don't know how cooperative your work place is, but i get lucky to take off work when the child is sick. I Don't mean to sound harsh- just went through similar situation with another fp friend. Good luck.