[allena_rose]

I will be welcoming my first child/ren into my home next week. Since they are not infants or toddlers, who you could just wrap your arms around, I was wondering the best approach.

If you could share what has worked the best for you in the past, or any suggestions I would really appreciate it!

[Kat-L]

With most of the kids (2 & up), I would just bend down to their level and say "hi". None were in the mood to be hugged. I would show them the toys and they usually started playing right away with the other kids. Only one of my foster placements ("Faith") cried. And she cried and she cried and she cried. The other kids were pretty easy going considering they were just dropped off with a complete stranger. I was surprised at how well they managed. I think the fact that there were always other kids around helped them. Maire-Kate was like a little mother hen and the kids trusted her even if they were a little wary of me. I would let Maire-Kate help them with getting seated at the table for meals, or getting ready for a bath, etc.. By the time the novelty wore off and Maire-Kate decided the kids were "boring babies", the kids would already have decided they could trust me.

[Robbin]

While you need to be very kind to them, you also need to set strict boundaries at first for everyone's safety. I would let them know these rules during the first day.

1. No touching anyone else, NO exceptions. We even make the kids ask each other before they hug. Have your consequences already planned out and enforce it EVERY TIME (except the first day or so).

The first day, you can remind them whenever they do something, "We don't XXX in this house. Tomorrow if you XXX, your consequence is going to be XYZ."

2. We have an OPEN door policy. The door must be open and unlocked if you are in a room with anyone else.

3. During the day, we don't allow kids upstairs except for bedtime. First, you don't know the sexual abuse history of these kids. Second, they may very well get into every one of your drawers and closets, etc.

4. After bedtime, NO getting out of bed except for potty breaks or if you are sick. In the morning, you have to ask before you can go downstairs (in the past, we have kids down at 5 am tearing the place up!). We cut everyone some slack for the first week, but remind them every day. After that, we said, if you go downstairs with out asking tomorrow, then your consequence is going to be XYZ.


Remember that there may have been a lack of food at their home and they may hoard, or over-eat. Be okay with that. We tell the kids that they can have fruit and ice water whenever they want, anything else they have to ask for. We let the kids have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches if they don't like the food served at dinner, but they always have to sit and eat at the table with us. We try to involve them in food preparation no matter the age.

Last, but also very important...CHECK FOR HEAD LICE! Don't panic if you find them, but you need to know so you can treat them before your whole family is infected.

Have fun (you will) and Good Luck!

[Sam-N-Tony]

I agree with Kat, get down on their level and say hi, my name is ____. If there's other kids in the house, it makes it a lot easier for them. I just show them the room and toys and they usually start playing right away.

I don't usually go over rules until the next day. I think for some kids its bad enough that they just got dropped off at this strangers house, but they have all these rules within 5 minutes of getting there, can be overwhelming, IMO.

Robbin has some great rules to use.

[Sissy22]

we have different little things we do for each child and we've had placements here from 7 months to 17 yrs just go slow ask if they have any ?'s and only start with your most important rulesat first
so you dion't overwhelm them also some kids adjust faster every placement will be different

[EandDmom]

You said they weren't small children but just incase you ever do get small ones that are potty trained I suggest you show them where the bathroom is. My fd has been here for over 6 weeks and she still wont just go to the bathroom she always says she has to go and waits for permission. I've been telling her since day one just go if you have to go but it hasn't sunk in yet.
I would also decide now what time you want them to go to bed and how much tv, computer time you want them to have a day.

[diane beth]

Yes!! Check for lice! Also I just started a new rule. I know this is a tough one but we do not allow the kids to bring in their own bedding or pillows unless they are coming from another foster home. We don't want meth poison, lice, bed bugs, urine or scabie infected bedding. Also make sure you have rubber covers over the mattress and if possible make them wear goodnights or underjams. Many children that don't normally wet the bed will wet under stress. Our fd wets the bed and wets during the day after her parents miss a visit.
When they first arrive we give them a snack and let them know when the next meal will be served. If they know they will be fed they are much more comfortable. Then we try to do something fun. We have a fast electric golf cart that we take them around the property with. We try to take them on a fun outing like Chucky Cheeze or to my daughter's dairy farm to feed the calves.
We let alot of the little things go until we bond with them. Once we have bonded some they usually will listen better. If you have fun with them you have a much better chance of them not wanting to disapoint you. ~di

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by diane beth

We try to take them on a fun outing like my daughter's dairy farm to feed the calves.

That sounds like so much fun!!! I love dairy farms. Your kids are so lucky to have that experience.

HEAD LICE: I didn't mention that in my post-but yes, the first thing you should do with any placement is to check for creepy crawlies on their head (and in their bag if they come with belongings).

[c.a]

I totally agree with the prior advice posted about getting down and greeting little ones on their level. Similarly, I talk to teens like they are adults - don't talk down to them.

Show them around the house. Show them where they will sleep and give them a place to put their things.

Food - I almost always have macaroni and cheese, spaghetti, peanut butter and jelly and ice cream - Kids will always say yes to at least one.

I have two dogs and a cat - so introductions to the animals are usually the first thing that I do. One of my dogs was adopted from a rescue group after six weeks in doggie foster care so for kids who are about 3-8 years old I always introduce her and tell them a little about her history. I tell them that she knows what it is like to be in a new house with new people and if they want a hug from someone who has been in the same situation, they can hug the dog. The dog loves kids and is very gentle and patient. Gentle dogs can be very comforting to kids.

With older kids, I do try to set ground rules. With teens I start with things that are positive and that they are allowed to do: You are welcome to help yourself if your are hungry (if appropriate) you don't need to ask to get water/juice/milk. You are welcome to watch whatever TV you would like after my son goes to bed at 8:00 until 11:00 p.m. I also try to keep my rules simple - big five: No weapons, No Drugs, No alcohol, No harm to people or pets, No porn. I actually throw in the porn rule, not that a lot of teens would, but because it makes them laugh that I said it to them and then they think that my rules seem reasonable and it breaks the ice.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by c.a

I actually throw in the porn rule, not that a lot of teens would, but because it makes them laugh that I said it to them and then they think that my rules seem reasonable and it breaks the ice.

Awesome point! a sense of humour goes a LONG way with teens.

[Looney-Tunes]

One thing that I find useful is if you have other children in the house, let them show the new foster child the toy room and the TV and the playground, etc.

After you say hi, let the children meet and greet. Usually this helps the new foster child get more comfortable.

If you do not have other children, show the child all the toys, TV, playground yourself while the CW is there. Usually the child will either watch TV or play with something until the CW leaves.

Then once the CW is gone, have a snack at the table and set the boundaries, with ALL family members there.

Remember that the foster child may be starving, and have food issues, so don't be surprised if the child eats alot. Watch the behavior to see if it gets to the point where the child is getting sick or is sticking food in his/her pockets.

Food hoarding can be a problem. Don't punish or lock the frig over this. Try giving the child a food drawer where they can put anything in it they want. Check it daily and talk with the child if anything needs to be removed because it it going bad. The food drawer will help prevent alot of hiding.

[diane beth]

If you have farms in your area they are usually more than happy to give you a tour. Petting Zoos and Nature Centers are great too!