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Old 08-12-2008, 09:26 AM
Nicole Elaine's Avatar
Nicole Elaine Nicole Elaine is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 375
Total Points: 190,651.70
Defiant 11 year old- not sure I can take it anymore!

We have an 11 year old fs.
I could write a book about his behavior problems, but that would take too long.
Long story short, he is absolutely driving me nuts with his defiance, throwing things, kicking things, stealing my jewelry and giving it away to kids, mouthing off and peeing on our clothes (yes- he literally pees on my clothes and shoves them in the hamper). He's in therapy and we've discussed it all with the therapist. None of this is new, we've gone over all of it before and it comes and goes.

Lately though, maybe because school is starting, he is driving me nuts!
I am out of privileges to take from him. I'm not exaggerating either... we have sold his Game Boy, taken away TV, computer, video game and radio privileges, taken away his bike privileges, etc.
This is over the course of a few months.

I am completely out of "punishments". We try to prevent the behavior in the first place, but we're not having much luck.

So my question to all of you is "What do we do next?".
I've actually resorted to having him stand in the corner on 2 occasions lately, something I usually disagree with when other parents do it, and even though I'm aware it's not helping him learn a lesson, I just don't know what to do any more. I'm trying not to lose my patience, but quite honestly I'm 5 months pregnant and grouchy, and just not in the mood for the defiant attitude anymore.

Any ideas?

Therapeutic Foster Parents-
Licensed July 2007

1st Placement: 9/22/07-
5 year old girl, K
2-1/2 yr old boy, E
1-1/2 yr old boy, S
Went home to Mommy on 12/21/2007
2nd Placement: 2/15/2008
11 year old boy, J Parental Rights Terminated
Moved to a new foster home 9/2008

3rd Placement 4/2010
15 year old girl, was transitioning home but is now staying with us until she ages out.

2 year old bio son and baby #2 due September 15, 2011

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Old 08-12-2008, 10:24 AM
Chancey Chancey is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 794
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I'm sorry you are going through this. I see that you are Therapeutic FP's. Maybe he needs to be in an RTC.
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Old 08-12-2008, 11:29 AM
Mama Julie Mama Julie is offline
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 120
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Wow, that does sound awful to live with day after day, when you're feeling tired. We sometimes have the same thing in our house but to a lesser degree. I agree with the positive discipline.... if you happen to see him doing something good or right, give him lots of praise, no matter how trivial. Some kids get so used to the negative attention, that it just becomes habit for them. Try to turn what he says around; whatever you can do to turn his negative into a positive, and maybe he will start taking steps in the right direction. Maybe he's already worried about the attention that the new baby will get. BTW there's a good book for kids who worry too much called What to do when you Worry too much, a children's guide to overcoming anxiety. Hope it all works out.
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Old 08-12-2008, 03:59 PM
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Robbin Robbin is offline
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First, Congratulations on your pregnancy!

We use a "token" system, and it is kind of based on 1, 2, 3 Magic.

1. I'd start with 1/2 hour rewards. Set a timer for 30 minutes. Explain the system to child. (If his behavior is REALLY TERRIBLE, try 15 minutes. You can gradually increase it).

2. Hands Heart Feet Mouth

(this means, Hands-no touching anyone else or their stuff. Heart - no teasing, name calling, put downs or threats. Feet - stay where you belong, come when you're called. Mouth - no cursing or backtalk)

3. The child gets 3 chances in the 1/2 hour. Each behavior gets counted with - Joey, that's 1. Next infraction, Joey that's 2. Last infraction, Joey that's 3, NO token.

Don't discuss the behavior when you "count" him. You know what it is, he knows what it is. Discussing it just pulls you into more conflict with him. If he "counts" back, that is back talk and should be counted.

4. If you have not counted to 3 before the timer goes off, he earns a token. (we use poker chips). Give him a hug at the same time he gets the token. Tell him what a good job he's been doing. Then reset the timer and you would start again with the counting.

NOTE: If he doesn't earn the token, still give him a hug and tell him you know he can work hard to earn it next time.

5. The token buys treats that are LOCKED in a cabinet. We took a trip to the dollar store and bought $10 worth of items that we know our kids like...balloons, tattoos, candy (a token can buy two mini tootsie rolls or two smarties or one cookie or 10 gummy bears or 10 M&Ms).

6. If he earns half the tokens during the day, let him choose a bigger reward at the end of the day. It could be 15 minutes later bedtime, extra tv time, extra computer time, an extra snack, a board game with you, etc. Let him choose.

If you want to try this system, pm me and I can give you more details.
Mom to:
MK(29) TM (19) EM (15)
Stepmom to EP(16)
Foster to Adopt Mom to FL(16) GL(10) ECP(7)
Nanny to NK (5)

Homeschooling EM, EP, & FL
Fostered: J7,N11,M12,S13mo,
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Old 08-12-2008, 06:01 PM
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Lorraine123 Lorraine123 is offline
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How to react depends a lot on why he is so defiant. My daughter has oppositional defiance disorder, so I can totally relate to the defiance. I can't stop the defiance, but I try to set it up where it is in her best interest to comply. I try to make it her problem. Examples: If she is being mean or cussing at me, I make her go outside and do it. I can't stop her, but I tell her to cuss at the trees, they don't mind. If she pees on my clothes, she has to do some of my chores during the day because I now have to do extra work. If she breaks something, she has to do chores to earn money to replace it, and until she replaces it, she gets nothing costing money because she is in debt. Stealing is a tough one - I would remove anything valuable because that is tough one, so just remove the opportunity. Just my thoughts.
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Old 08-12-2008, 07:10 PM
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EandDmom EandDmom is offline
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Sorry I have no help just wanted to say you are an amazing person. I could never deal with that kind of thing. Bless you for your strength..and congrats on the new baby on the way.
Biomom to

Licensed July 2 2008
First placement 7/2/08-4/29/10
Placement now
K-12, P-10, E-9, M-3 all
all are making me
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Old 08-12-2008, 07:15 PM
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mommytoEli mommytoEli is offline
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yeah...i don't have anything valuable at all. and they have nothing that can hide other boxes, bags, etc. the rooms are basically bare, and when they want something to do - like read a book play a game, read a magazine, put together a puzzle, they must borrow and return it. things are not stored in their rooms....this is where i used to find all the best stuff. they have clothes in their rooms, not much more, and we "clean" their rooms together often. it sounds harsh...but sometimes kids who have trouble stealing and using objects for manipluation need the accountability in knowing that you are checking on them. it is also a good idea to not tempt these children. as much as i'd like to teach my child to not steal......i realized that first i had to remove the temptation. put your stuff away. get a safe. there is alot less stealing and fighting about stashed items now that there is nothing to take, and no where to put it. the same goes for backpacks to school. i got one of my children a 504 plan at school that allowed for an extra set of books at home. that meant there was no reason for a backpack. it is harder to sneak things out of the house when there is nothing to sneak it in.

on to the more sensitive side of your problem....when my kids first moved in, not much younger than what you have now, one of them had the give away syndrome and they were friends with another foster child with the same issue. what i think i figured out was they felt so awful about themselves and thought people thought so poorly of them, that they were basically buying people's friendships. i'm not really sure how to solve this problem....but i know that as this child began to feel more confident in themselves, it happend with less frequency. one thing i did to foster the confidence was i really watched how they dressed. i saw what the other kids were wearing and really tried to provide similar clothing. it wasn't easy, but i think when they started to fit in on the outside, they worked on fitting in on the inside. i know the last thing i wanted to do was buy them more stuff....but it really did make a difference.
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