[one-lucky-mom]

Ohhh, I please hope that someone can help me... my sanity is greatly depending on it! lol

History --> I have a sweet little 18 month old girl who has been placed with us for about 4 months. Without going into detail, I'll just say that she came from a physically abusive home... to what degree, I'm not 100% sure... but this is part of the reason she's in care now.

The first several weeks of being placed with us she had a *very* rough time. She whined; cried; wanted to be held 24/7; very, very babyish. I did alot of attachment type parenting so she would feel bonded & safe here with me -- I'm not sure she was ever cuddled, hugged, etc. You all know how that is... so I gave 110%. She also had developmental delay issues which are have improved by leaps & bounds.

Anyways, since supervised visits have started in bio's home 2 months ago we've had melt-downs. So much regression, it's hard to even describe (so I revert back to cuddling/holding/etc nonstop until she's back to "normal"). I've let the caseworkers, GAL, Casa worker & visit supervising person know... yet not alot has changed on that angle.

Now we're into month 4 of her being here -- visits still going on with mom & dad separately. We've been dealing with the normal kid tantrums... the throw yourself down on the floor, flap your arms, kick you feet, yell because you didn't get your way kind of tantrum. I can deal with that. I ignore her and she finally will stop.

But things are escalating. She now wakes up every morning crying loudly; more screaming; and kicking her legs. She will not stop until I pick her up. She also has started this high-pitched schreeching thing... at random times (of course when I'm grocery shopping!) and also when she doesn't get her way (in public & at home).

I have no clue how to stop (or help her) with all this -- the lady who transports to/from supervised visits heard the screeching for 30 minutes straight after a visit... she came here with her head spinning after listening to her all the way home! --> now she knows why my little bio-girl asked to wear her fuzzy ear-muffs in the car. Yep, it's that bad that she needs to wear her winter muffs!

Last week FD had a major tantrum while in the car that resulted in her screaming; schreeching as loud as she could; pulling her hair by the handfuls (yanking hard!); shaking her legs fast; and biting her feet. I couldn't stop her -- "no" just doesn't cut it; "no ma'am", "please", "c'mon now" doesn't either.

Can anyone help me? I've asked about a behavorial evaluation -- I know mom has a long history of mental issues and dad seems a little slow; both have long history of agression/domestic violence issues. The caseworker said she didn't know what to do about the behaviors FD is having. This is all a first for me. I don't know if she's reacting to these parental visits; frustrated by her lack of real communication (although she can say "no" very well... it's her favorite!). Should I take her to the pediatrician for a referral to someone? And if so, who?? Someone mentioned play therapy but I have no idea about when that is appropriate to ask for.

Please, please someone throw out ideas for me to try... or avenues for me to ask about with her caseworker. I *hate* to ask for her to be moved -- but my family is about ready to kick me & her out of the house due to her behavior! (lol, of course!)

Thank you for reading this book -- sorry it turning out to be so long.

[605orange]

I don't know whether this is the right course of action due to her past emotional issues, but we did it with our pre-adoptive son (age three) and it worked very well.

When he threw a fit, we let him finish. When he was "done", we put him into a three minute time out. He is not allowed to scream, kick, yell, etc. in time out. He needs to sit quietly and the time does not start until he does so. (It is a nice time for him to quietly reflect on what got him into time out in the first place.)

After the time out, he then comes to us and we discuss why throwing a fit is not allowed. (I'm all for children expressing their wants and needs, but there is a helpful way to go about that.) Also, when he does "use his words" instead of throwing a fit he is praised heavily.

He learned that falling on the ground and flailing around resulted in consequences and that using his words resulted in lots of love and praise. Guess which one he now chooses regularly?

We are very black-and-white with the kids. Inappropriate behavior is just NOT allowed. They slowly choose the appropriate behavior because it is more fun than being in time-out.

I am certainly not at all concluding that you have not tried these things with your kiddo, but I have often found that people understandably somewhat coddle these kids due to their troubled past. We have the same expectations for our new kids, as we did our bio. kids. We truly believe that we are doing them a favor by not letting anything slide. Better to learn here at home than at school, when the consequences are more severe.

Good Luck. I have a mantra that I repeat to myself when we are having behavior issues with our kids: "When the parent decides, the child will follow." Rather simple, but it has helped us.

[one-lucky-mom]

Thank you 605Orange for your reply! I really, really appreciate it!

Yes, I've tried time-outs with her... they don't seem to do any good, she throws tantrums while sitting there in time-out too. I put her in time-out today actually and once she stopped crying, I told her she could get up now since she wasn't crying anymore --> she started crying louder then!

I'm thinking that maybe she's a little too young (18 mths)(?) or maybe because of her delays, she just doesn't quite "get it" yet. She is just now starting to understand when I tell her to go get her blanket or toy from across the room. Anything past that confuses her.

And we're very strict with our kids (just ask my mom, lol!). Our FD did get a little special treatment early on until we could get her on a schedule & get a feel for her personality. But, I tell her "no" 100 times a day, no joke! And redirecting her attention to something else doesn't work either.

She just gets so angry... I've *never* seen an 18 month old act out like this! It's the craziest (saddest?) thing. I'm starting to wonder if mental issues are hereditary -- and if so, can they start THIS soon.

[mrsred]

You definately need to be consulting a trained specialist here. I would start with a mental health therapist. Perhaps your case worker can refer you to someone. Try to find someone that is experienced in working with kids that have been in foster care. You do not need a referal from your pediatrician to see a therapist, but would probably need one if you decide you need to see a psychologist//psychiatrist. At this point though, think I would just start with trying to find a really good therapist. Besided siomeone that is familiar with the special needs of a child in the foster care system, try to find someone that has worked with very young children.

When she is completely out of control, tantruming to the point of possibly harming herself, you will need to probably praxtice doing a "safe hold". Most states will not alllow that unless you have been specifically trained to do that. Again, I would talk to the CW about this. Basically, a "safe hold" is done by sitting on the floor with the child between your legs. Wrap you legs around and on top of the child's so that she cannoot kick. wrap your arms around her upper torso, trapping her arms down, and holding her foreaams or wrists gently but firmly in your hands. You remain in this position untill child is completely calm. All the while you are holding her you speak softly and lovingly. "Oh dear, I can see that you are feeling very angry and out of control right now. that is okay, I am going to keep you safe till you can control yourself." It isn't really so important what you say, as how you are speaking. Keep your voice low, even and loving. You may think she can't hear you over her own screams, but do not give in to the temptation to try to be louder than her. Since you are that close, she can hear you... she may even be just a bit quieter so that she can hear what you are saying. As soon as she is calm, shift to a more comforatable position and give her some good cuddle time.
Good luck with all of this. Those visits can be so hard on the little ones.

[dakotabluebaby]

One thing to consider though is the way tantrums are reinforced. If one day she rose to a higher level in tantruming and your responded by claming her down some other way than ignoring than she learned you will respond and I would asume will continue to push until you do. So, don't assume you tried it and it didn't work, many times a few more minutes are all that is needed to extingish a behavior, or respond and it will take that much longer.

Since she had calmed before I think she will again. What I would do, I work as a Behavioral consultant so this isn't just out of my , Is let her clam her self down, keep her safe. Do not talk, no eye contact. When she stops crying give her a full minute or two then ask her about something other than what she tantrumed about, like would you like to do a puzzle or whatever. She is not at an age where a really discusion about behavior can occur, But she will learn pretty quick what doesn't work.

Also another thing that I've found that helps is instead of No give an alternative, Tell her what she CAN do instead of what she can't.
ie No ice cream, give visual options of carrots and peas (random example I know)

It is very very hard, but I would give it a week and do exactly this before determing there is something else wrong. If this behavior is tied to 'no' than it is intentional and at this stage probably learned (based on your saying the tantrums had ceased before). Most children at this age can be changed by enviroment...Time of course but calm, loving and consistant behavior does wonders.

hope this helps.

[one-lucky-mom]

Thank you all for your responses. I so, so, soooo appreciate it!

Another thing I just thought of --> sometimes she acts out for attention... and it's very clear.

Example: We will be driving down the road and she'll randomly shriek very loudly (like cover your ears/glass is going to bust loud!). If I turn around and look at her (even without talking); she stops. The second I turn back around forward, she does it again.

I guess there are just so many different behavior issues that maybe I'm just trying to lump them all together to figure out how to deal with them. Whew...

But ignoring with her does not seem to work. She will continue to scream; kick; punch; pull hair out (hers & my bio daughters); shriek loud, then louder... whatever it takes until you just have to attend to her. Then she goes into bigger tantrums with the crying. It's really embarrasing to be grocery shopping with everyone looking at me like I'm the crazy one! lol

Tomorrow morning I'm going to seek out the help of a mental health therapist or a child behavior specialist. This little girl needs help... and it needs to happen before she's returned to bio parents. They both have very short fuses and they could not handle her behavior at this point.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

I don't have any experience with children that young, so I can't really offer any advice, but I will say that the visits very likely are what is triggering the behaviors. Getting her to a mental health professional who is experienced in working with very young children is a good first step.

[DianeScraps]

Definitely find the mental health resource for your area, I know it is tough when they are that young, but you need the help for the child, and the back up for court about the childs behaviors.

I would also ask to have the visits moved out of the home. Even if you can get a 'test' visit out of the home, in an area that you know she does handle well, perhaps a park, restaurtant with play area, etc. That could help two fold, first having a more reasonable child to deal with and second having documentation about the difference in the visit location for the therapist and courts.

Find out everything you can about your juridisctions rules as far as safety holds and emergency procedures. My dd was 4 and I was unprepared for what she could do, and what I should do when things were bad. I had to rethink things like where her carseat was in the car (it had been behind the driver seat, but when she kicked me into the steering wheel and nearly caused an accident that was the end of that). I also couldn't drive with the windows down, or in a car that she could get out of the back seat by herself (thankfully my car is a 2 door!)

I also found that some different things would calm my daughter, a cool washcloth, any version of Amazing Grace (sung by me . . and I don't have a good voice, CD, etc), I also taught my daughter to take deep breathes and blow on my finger like she was blowing out a candle . . having to focus on something seemed to help.

[rottymom]

poor little girl...she definitely needs to see a mental health care professional. Visit are most likely causing a majority of her turmoil but she sounds like my girl that is very difficult. Does she get physical or only screams?

My daughter would hit, bite, kick, scratch and head-butt along with the screaming. She is so much better now but it was a long, long road.

Let your caseworker know how difficult she is, they should help you find some respite.