[ProspectiveSingleMom]

I am adopting through my state's special needs adoption program and haven't even started my homestudy yet, but I thought of this question as I was thinking of things I could ask the child's current foster parents when I get a match (assuming the child is in a foster home and not a RTC). I realize that there are a lot of reasons foster parents choose not to adopt, but I would want to know if the child's behavior was the reason.

[hesabanana]

I would not be offended as long as the question was phrased right. Perhaps something like, "I know lots of families strictly foster and others choose to adopt if the child is a good fit with their family. May I ask why you've chosen not to adopt Billy?"

[lovemy6]

If I was fostering a child I was not adopting, I think I would assume that the pap would ask me why I wasn't adopting. When we were straight adoption, I asked the former fps why they weren't adopting her. They were very honest with me. I really appreciated knowing ahead of time what I might expect.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

Originally Posted by hesabanana

I would not be offended as long as the question was phrased right. Perhaps something like, "I know lots of families strictly foster and others choose to adopt if the child is a good fit with their family. May I ask why you've chosen not to adopt Billy?"

Thanks for the tip. I was trying to think of what would be a good way to phrase the question.

[Tudu]

Both FM volunteered that information to me in our 2 hour long conversations. They wanted to know why I wanted so many kids and assumed it was for the money. After our discussion, they realized I was just insane and told me all kinds of things I never would have thought to ask.

[lglysson]

I am a foster mom and would expect to get that question. It shows that the pap is truly interested and wants to know everything. The ones that seem to "know it all" make me hesitant to believe they are a good match.

[Joy2566]

I asked that question. I wanted to know if there was some major issue that the cw's were not telling me. It really helped me to get some insight into what my son's issues were. Discussing the things his former fp's could not handle helped us decide if we could handle these same things. Foster parents are really the only one who truly know the child.

[MPJJJ]

I would assume that a PAP ask the question, and if I were the PAP I would definately ask. I dont think that there is anything offensive, except if someone were to say "Why the heck aren't you adopting this child? Are you crazy!!! What's wrong with you?" Now that might ruffle some feathers, lol.

[mommy2fiveplus]

I expect them to ask, if they don't I figure they are new and tell them anyway. I have only had this happen three times because some of my fkids were RU with bios or relatives or we adopted.

In the threre cases, two of the PAP asked and one did not, (she was single and I think a bit overwhelmed with the system)

I want these kids to go to the home that can meet their needs best so it is important to give them ALL the info and everything that we have tried that hasn't worked and what has. Foster parents do not work hard at healing souls just to send them off to a home that would be substandard for thier situation.

I think if a foster parent was offended then maybe there is something wrong with the foster parent.

Some times the reason we do not adopt has nothing to do with the kids at all. We have choosen not to adopt some of our fosters because we feel compelled to adopt a sib group at some point in time and we know they are harder to place, so we do not want to fill up our beds with singletons (for us typically babies) who are easier to place.

A friend of mine recently declined adopting her 15 mos old fd, for a similar reason, she still wants to foster and it would significantly limit what she could take in the future, plus she has a passion for "special needs" kids or as I like to call them "differently abled". She is fantastic with them and I can see why it was important for her to help find the perfect match for her fd so she could feel confident in sending her off and still be able to go with her passion.

[Yash]

This is an interesting thread. I think I was so happy to finally get the call about Rowan and to be picking her up that it never even entered my head to ask her FP why she wasn't adopting; although the FP volunteered the information to me.