[stevenstwin]

the uncle he calls dad. 8:00 in the morning, and he's blind drunk, staggering down mainstreet half dressed (and by that I mean shorts, sandals and a t-shirt on a chilly morning). Honestly, does it make me a bad person if I wish he'd just magically "disappear" so that I wouldn't have to see him? Bah! And I should be WAY past the frustration, but I *just* had a conversation with FS the other day where he was again defending this loser - swearing to me that the guy has quit drinking, found a good job, has a new girlfriend (with which he'll probably make more babies, but I digress...)

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

the uncle he calls dad. 8:00 in the morning, and he's blind drunk, staggering down mainstreet half dressed (and by that I mean shorts, sandals and a t-shirt on a chilly morning). Honestly, does it make me a bad person if I wish he'd just magically "disappear" so that I wouldn't have to see him? Bah! And I should be WAY past the frustration, but I *just* had a conversation with FS the other day where he was again defending this loser - swearing to me that the guy has quit drinking, found a good job, has a new girlfriend (with which he'll probably make more babies, but I digress...)

It is icky--of course you have strong feelings--this guy has had a tremendous negative effect on your son. You won't be "past" the frustration as long as you love your son and know he is OK, making good choices and able to take care of himself.

Vent here anytime!!

[Yash]

I'm so sorry.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

the uncle he calls dad. 8:00 in the morning, and he's blind drunk, staggering down mainstreet half dressed (and by that I mean shorts, sandals and a t-shirt on a chilly morning). Honestly, does it make me a bad person if I wish he'd just magically "disappear" so that I wouldn't have to see him? Bah! And I should be WAY past the frustration, but I *just* had a conversation with FS the other day where he was again defending this loser - swearing to me that the guy has quit drinking, found a good job, has a new girlfriend (with which he'll probably make more babies, but I digress...)

Okay, I have an idea. (Who knows whether or not it will work, but I offer it to you anyway....)

Have you thought about using sorrow when talking about A's uncle/dad to him? I mean, instead of critiquing him outright, maybe dressing it up in sadness, pity and sorrow. "Oh, I saw your uncle this morning at 8:00, it was so cold outside, and he was too drunk to get warm clothes on. It must have been awful for him, I hope he's okay."

The reason I suggest this is that it might get the reality of the situation through to A without engaging his defensive reflexes. Maybe he can see the truth if he doesn't feel like he has to stand up for his relative.

Like I said, this might not work and you might have already tried it with no success. But I thought I'd offer it up anyway....

[ca-bigsister]

If he's drunk in public, could you call the police anonymously for public intoxication and get him arrested?

Maybe then he could either be in jail for a while or at least DCFS (or what would be the Canadian equivalent) would know what's going on while A. is still a minor?

[stevenstwin]

I'll give it a try- I think I've done it WAY in the past, but lately have been too frustrated to be (or appear) charitable. I'll let you know if it seems to make a difference! In the meantime, I continue to fantasize about him being teleported to Siberia...and hoping he DOESN'T have any more children with this supposed new girlfriend since he's already lost 5! I would like to think he wouldn't FIND another woman naive enough...but he's already found 3, so there seem to be plenty of dysfunctional ladies out there, sadly.

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

Okay, I have an idea. (Who knows whether or not it will work, but I offer it to you anyway....)

Have you thought about using sorrow when talking about A's uncle/dad to him? I mean, instead of critiquing him outright, maybe dressing it up in sadness, pity and sorrow. "Oh, I saw your uncle this morning at 8:00, it was so cold outside, and he was too drunk to get warm clothes on. It must have been awful for him, I hope he's okay."

The reason I suggest this is that it might get the reality of the situation through to A without engaging his defensive reflexes. Maybe he can see the truth if he doesn't feel like he has to stand up for his relative.

Like I said, this might not work and you might have already tried it with no success. But I thought I'd offer it up anyway....

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

I'll give it a try- I think I've done it WAY in the past, but lately have been too frustrated to be (or appear) charitable. I'll let you know if it seems to make a difference! In the meantime, I continue to fantasize about him being teleported to Siberia...and hoping he DOESN'T have any more children with this supposed new girlfriend since he's already lost 5! I would like to think he wouldn't FIND another woman naive enough...but he's already found 3, so there seem to be plenty of dysfunctional ladies out there, sadly.

Well, even if it doesn't help, it won't hurt. You might even tell A, "I get really frustrated and upset with your uncle, because I worry so much about you, and I worry his choices are going to end up hurting you. But I am trying to work on being compassionate, because I love you and I don't want you to feel like you have divided loyalties." That way, he won't think you're being fake.

The added advantage of this plan is that if the uncle is talking smack about you to A, and you're not returning the favor, you look like a MUCH nicer person than he is. Then A can be all defensive about you instead!!

(Advice from a child of divorce here, can you tell?)

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

The added advantage of this plan is that if the uncle is talking smack about you to A, and you're not returning the favor, you look like a MUCH nicer person than he is. Then A can be all defensive about you instead!!

(Advice from a child of divorce here, can you tell?)

LOL, well that would be the hope, anyway - but I'm realistic enough to know that he will NEVER (at this point in his life, anyway - ever disagree with uncle or defend anyone else to him. Still the whipped puppy thing, ya know?

Bigsis - yes, coulda, shoulda...I didn't but I'm sure I'll have another opportunity really soon. Sometimes any kind of proactive action just feels like more of an exhausting fight, you know.... my stamina isn't always there ;-) It may make me an awful person, but sometimes it's just EASIER to come here and kvetch about it then to go another round in the ring....so along those lines, I'll also relieve my irritation by sharing with you what I have on rare and long-ago occasion heard A. call "dad" behind his back...."there goes my Drunkle..."