[KT08]

I am a foster parent to a nearly 2-year-old who I have had since he was an infant. I anticipate that I will be taking his 8-year-old sister into care this week for a plan of TPR/adoption on both children. [Hearing is tomorrow.]

Children have been in care for 18 months. Eight-year-old has been living with her maternal grandparents but grandmother died while child in custody. During this 18-month period, child has had daily phone contact (against court orders) with birth parents and supervised visitation once a week. Child is extremely close to her mother, who I believe is seriously mentally ill (bipolar and probably more), and emotionally manipulates the child in all the ways you can imagine. Grandfather similarly manipulated.

I expect that judge will rule no contact or very limited parental contact tomorrow and will set the date for the TPR hearing.

This child knows me and likes me and has had overnight visitation with me. There are no other children in the home, except her toddler brother.

Question 1): Any tips for helping an 8-year-old adjust to her first true foster placement?

Question 2): How do I help this child adjust to limited birth family contact?

[Boulderbabe]

For me, the most important thing has been to honor and respect the child's grief. It's a big transition, and they're bound to be angry, sad and confused. I try not to be too much in their faces at first. I keep things VERY calm and low key the first few days (which is hard, because the SWs induce a lot of chaos in the early days of a placement). If the child is crying or is scared, I say things like, "this is a very big change for you, isn't it? I bet you miss your grandfather/mom/foster mom."

I don't wash their clothes for the first few days, unless I absolutely have to. New laundry detergent smells seem to weird them out a little bit. I also don't buy a lot of new clothes unless I have to---even if their clothes are worn or ill-fitting, it helps to have their own stuff with them. Definitely do not wash teddies or blankies, no matter how awful they smell---the familiar smell is reassuring!

As for the limited contact: I blame EVERYTHING on the judge. I tell them that because their moms and dads are having a hard time keeping them safe, a judge is making all the decisions for them right now. We all have to do what the judge says, because that is the law. Right now, the judge has said that calling Mom is a bad idea, and he/she has said that we aren't allowed to. When the judge says that we can, we will, but not until then.

Just keep saying "We have to do what the judge says" over and over. It's very helpful in the time leading up to TPR, because when TPR comes, we can say, "I'm so sorry, honey, but the judge says that you can't go back to your mom's house."

[lhutton]

Wow! This sounds like a complicated case. I have had success using a custom made book to help children transition in and out of my home. The text of the book varies according to the child's needs but contains these primary features: give information about what is happening and why, identify how you think the child might feel during the transition, and provide appropriate coping strategies the child can use during the transition. For example, I wrote a book for one child which included the following information (paraphrased):

The child had been living with a mother who loved her a lot and had taken good care of her as a baby. However, lately her mother had been sad and had been crying a lot. She was so sad she didn't have enough energy to take care of her children or clean the house. When parents are having trouble taking good care of their children, a judge might decide they should go to foster care for a while. (etc. etc.) It can be scary to go to a new house to live with people you don't know. It can be confusing because you don't know the rules and have trouble finding things. (etc. etc.) If you get scared you can hold your teddy bear from your birth home, come talk to me, look at your photo album of pictures of your birth family.

You can illustrate this book with photographs and/or clip art. You can use a similar technique to talk about why the child will no longer have contact with her birth mother.

I hope this helps. I've found it has really made a difference for a number of children in my care.

[AmyAnne]

With our son, we gave him a stuffed animal. We also gave him a book about our family, with pictures of said animal. The animal (wally the walrus) was introduced as "When Mom and Dad heard you were coming, they brought me home so you would always have a special friend." Austin was 7 when he met Wally.

Last weekend, Austin turned 11 years old. Wally STILL sleeps in his bed and has gone on every single family vacation we have ever been on. Wally has been to school, church, the therapist's office, the psychologist's office, the finalization of Austin's adoption, the pool, the McDonald's, and to sleepover camp.

We often address my son through Wally. "Wally's looking a little sad today. Do you think you could find out what's wrong for me?"

[KT08]

These are all wonderful suggestions. Love them. Thanks so much.

Keep 'em coming? What else can I do?

[Boulderbabe]

Love love LOVE the Wally the Walrus idea! I am going to do that for each of my new kids now!

My son has Humphrey the Elephant. (Not that I thought of this idea on purpose....Humphrey just kind of showed up). Anyway, we often use Humphrey to talk about parenting and adoption issues. Sometimes I tell Aaron, "Hey, make sure Humphrey doesn't get lost! He's your baby, and it is your responsibility to make sure he is safe!" If Aaron is manhandling Humphrey, or making him fly up to the ceiling or whatever, I say, "Aaron, you need to keep Humphrey safe and sound. Moms and Dads don't do things that could hurt their kids!"

The nice thing is that by talking about parents' responsibility to love and protect their kids via Humphrey, we can also talk about Aaron's birthparents and how he came into care. It's been a good way to work through some of that stuff.

[stevenstwin]

Love the ideas you have already, but also wanted to chime in to say ...don't plan a lot of "fun" activities, as in don't make it like a weekend visit or vacation. That might be overwhelming to her, and also sets up some expectations that might lead to disappointment. I can tell you everything I did WRONG, if that would help
1. Start off like life is going to be FUN every single day! Pack the weekend with excitement! Tell the kid about Disney World in three months right off the hop!
2. Don't have any rules - or at least be really, really lenient and bend your rules a lot, on the theory that you don't want the poor child to have a big shock and feel like your place is a downer. Especially make sure you let them think your home is a chore free zone, and they don't need to do anything to contribute.
3. Buy them stuff. LOTS of stuff, because every day should feel like Christmas!!!!

Okay, so there's my very best advice on exactly wht NOT to do ;-) I was so darn excited about bringing my son home after waiting for six months, that I lost all sense..I'm assuming I wouldn't do that with a placement I didn't know in advance. But it sure took us a few months to undo that damage and get things on an even keel I could live with long term!

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

Love the ideas you have already, but also wanted to chime in to say ...don't plan a lot of "fun" activities, as in don't make it like a weekend visit or vacation. That might be overwhelming to her, and also sets up some expectations that might lead to disappointment. I can tell you everything I did WRONG, if that would help
1. Start off like life is going to be FUN every single day! Pack the weekend with excitement! Tell the kid about Disney World in three months right off the hop!
2. Don't have any rules - or at least be really, really lenient and bend your rules a lot, on the theory that you don't want the poor child to have a big shock and feel like your place is a downer. Especially make sure you let them think your home is a chore free zone, and they don't need to do anything to contribute.
3. Buy them stuff. LOTS of stuff, because every day should feel like Christmas!!!!

Okay, so there's my very best advice on exactly wht NOT to do ;-) I was so darn excited about bringing my son home after waiting for six months, that I lost all sense..I'm assuming I wouldn't do that with a placement I didn't know in advance. But it sure took us a few months to undo that damage and get things on an even keel I could live with long term!

Your honesty is amazing! I agree with everything you said. I felt bad we didn't replace ds's lost Gameboy as soon as he got here--he had to "borrow" his brother's. But it made Christmas special when he got one of his own. And lil guy actually likes to do chores--he gets to be with us, and he likes the sense of accomplishment. He loves to mow the lawn! (it's an electric mower and someone walks right beside him).