[kelly614]

We adopted our children through the foster care system. We picked up my youngest son from the hospital when he was a newborn and only "met" his birth parents once at the case plan meeting. My son is now almost 3 and we recently discovered that his biological father is incarcerated. Since neither parent participated in the case plan process beyond the first meeting we have very limited information about the family medical history. I wrote his biological father a letter and asked for medical information. He wrote back what seems to be a very heartfelt letter thanking us for adopting his son and for reaching out to him. He also filled out the medical history questionnaire I sent and was very thorough.

He asked that we write back to him and send a picture of my son. My husband and I have always said that we would be open to sending letters and pictures if any of our children's biological parents reached out and seemed genuinely interested.

So (finally!) here's my question. I want to let my son's biological father know that we are willing to send photos and letters and also to receive letters from him to give to my son when he is older. I want to also let him know, however, that letters and photos are probably the extent of openness that we would be willing to participate in. He hasn't asked for anything more than that, but I want to be fair and honest so that he doesn't expect more. Should I leave that out of the letter and be prepared to address it in the future or sort of set the ground rules from the beginning? He will be in jail 300 miles away for another 4 years so it's not like he would ask for a meeting anytime soon.

I've never done this so I'd love some feedback from someone who has been there, done that.

Thanks!

[ca-bigsister]

My FD's biodad is in prison. He loves what I've done with her. He is grateful that she is with me and knows that she would not be the same person if he or her biomom raised her.

I send him information such as grades, photos, etc. but I told him that I do not want a relationship with him. He is grateful I send stuff, but I do not want a relationship with someone in prison. I've been clear about that.

I would basically say exactly what you said before in the posting. That seems pretty clear to me.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Are you having him send letters to your address or a PO Box?

I think I would simply say that DH and I are willing to send updates with pics and are willing to receive correspondence from him. That should be enough. I don't think you will have to actually state that nothing more will happen.

However, as I have a family member that has been incarcerated off and on all his life (50+ years), I would recommend you NOT give out identifying info. If you have changed the child's name, still refer to him by the name given by the bios. Much of their mail is gone through before being given to the inmate so you need to find out the process at the facility he is at. Some has to be approved. You definitely need to make sure your location is protected.

I say this, not because I believe HE may try something, but if threatened etc or sometimes when they owe other inmates money, they will give out names and addresses to people they can locate once on the outside to get the payback money from etc. So you are protecting yourself not just from him but from possible dangerous offenders around him.

Good Luck and I think you willingness to be open with him even in his circumstances is wonderful.

Kim

[kelly614]

Thanks for the responses.

My son's bio father has no identifying information other than our first names. I'm using a PO box of a family member in another area of the state. I haven't said anything about where we live, etc.

[Robbin]

We live in Pa. We adopted our 3 kids from foster care. Our youngest was 13 months when we got him and 28 months when we adopted him.

We have an "open adoption" in a loose sense of the word. The birth parents have my phone number, not address. Bio mom calls every couple of months, usually around his birthday and xmas. Since she seems healthy (no obvious signs of drug/alcohol/MH issues active at this time), we do visits when she asks...maybe twice a year - after asking my son if he wants to visit. We arrange to meet at a McDonald for an hour. We talk about how he is doing developmentally, things he likes, funny stories about him, etc. She will play with him, take pictures, etc., but we do not allow any unsupervised time.

I would suggest asking the bio dad for pictures of himself, and let him send letters to your son. He should always address the letters to you so you can check for appropriateness. You should start reading these letters to your son, and tell him they are from his birth dad, "John Doe" and let him save them, or have them. This will introduce the idea of a birth dad.

We have told our adopted children that their birth parents loved them, but did not know how to be good parents. The judge said that these children had to have a mom and dad that knew how to be good parents, and we told the judge that we wanted to.

I think that it is best to have some casual contact with the bios. They should not have a major place in your life or your son's life, but if you make it forbidden fruit, it can only cause problems as they get older.

[afamilythroughfoster]

Our son's biomom is also incarcerated. We wrote that "we would be glad to send photos and an update once a year". Every june or july she sends us a letter to "let us know that she's thinking of his birthday". They are really nice and I believe are a sorta', hey, remember my update please.
She wrote us last time to let us know she is getting out next year and she didn't ask for a meeting so things are going well so far. We'll see...

[arubagirl]

I would let him know right away what you are ok with as far as communication goes. that way he knows fromt eh beginning what is acceptable.

[greenrobin]

I don't know how it works with the unlisted numbers, but I do know that 411.com has a reverse look-up. You put in the phone number and it gives back name and address. The cell phone comes up from the provider as a land line.

Thinking that you're protected by just giving a phone number isn't exactly as safe as it used to be.

We're in a situation where we are probably going to have a degree of openness, but only if it's safe--both parents have legal issues. Dad is incarcerated and mom may well be. G-pa, maybe also. IF we do any phone, I'm buying a disposable cell with minutes only. IF we do contact with pictures and updates, I'm getting a PO box in a city that isn't my dinky little rural town. We know the family through visits. They're okay when sober, but I don't want to take any chances.

Maybe it's my age, but I'm a little cynical. It's easy to be grateful while in prison. When they get out and things change, who knows. Generally speaking, people didn't get into prison by being nice.

Be very careful. Sending via PO box and limiting contact is a good start.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by Robbin

The birth parents have my phone number, not address.

Unless you number is unlisted, a simple typing it into the address bar on the internet will give name and address.

Kim

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by greenrobin

Maybe it's my age, but I'm a little cynical. It's easy to be grateful while in prison. When they get out and things change, who knows. Generally speaking, people didn't get into prison by being nice.

Be very careful. Sending via PO box and limiting contact is a good start.

Totally agree. My uncle, of course, always proclaimed innocence and was not so much a threat to us HIMSELF, but when he wanted cigarettes bad enough or was being hounded for money he borrowed and couldn't repay, he would give my mother's name and address to the other inmate to "contact" when they got out. She was LIVID when an ex-inmate called her up to let her know that her brother (and I use that term loosely) said she would pay for him.

So although Dad may be doing well now, he is in there for 4 more years and 300 miles is not that far for a desperate person. So be careful.

Kim

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by greenrobin

Generally speaking, people didn't get into prison by being nice.

I guess I'd tell people not to be too quick to judge. The overwhelming majority of people in prison are there because they are addicts, not because they are bad people or violent people.

Drugs are really powerful things. I think that any of us could become addicts--I know if I ever used something like meth or cocaine I would be-- so I try not to judge.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

The overwhelming majority of people in prison are there because they are addicts, not because they are bad people or violent people.

I'm not sure I agree. Do you have a place where it statistically states that? I do believe that most inmates abuse drugs, but I do not believe the majority are IN prison because of drug use. I believe that they broke other laws, some violent ones, that landed them there. So although they are addicts, I do believe they did some "not so nice" things that landed them behind bars.....not just drug use.

[AngelArrow]

I would be careful with giving alot of info out. Alot of bp are drug addicts, but addiction causes some of these parents to do violent crimes which, then leads to the incarceration. It is easy not to judge them, but you dont walk in their shoes neither. I have overall, mixed feelings when it comes to the views on bp, but I would set clear boundaries from the get go not to indanger your family. Most of them are very remorseful for what they have done to their children, but also unpredictable at the same time.

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by xxsurroundedbyxy

I'm not sure I agree. Do you have a place where it statistically states that? I do believe that most inmates abuse drugs, but I do not believe the majority are IN prison because of drug use. I believe that they broke other laws, some violent ones, that landed them there. So although they are addicts, I do believe they did some "not so nice" things that landed them behind bars.....not just drug use.

Their crimes may not be directly related to drug dealing or possession, but it is overwhelmingly true that people incarcerated in the US are there for behaviors that are in some way tied to their drug use. They steal to support their habits, they assault people while stoned, and so on.

Human Rights Watch says that the majority of people in prison--51%--have not committed violent crimes. 22% of the prison population is there for crimes directly related to drugs. Even more are there for crimes that did not directly involve drugs, but were motivated by drugs. Among Black inmates, the figures are even higher: more inmates are in prison for drug related offenses than are there for violent crimes (38% vs 27% of the total population). You can read more about it at this link:

HRW: Backgrounder: Incarcerated America, April 2003

I'm not saying that the OP should invite the biodad over for tea and crumpets or anything. But I am saying that a blanket response of "I won't have anything to do with somebody who is in prison" may be an overly harsh response that denies compassion to somebody whose only crime is being addicted to an incredibly addictive substance. Better to take these things on a case-by-case basis instead of making general pronouncements. Start with limited contact, move VERY slowly to open it up, take prudent precautions, but keep an open mind. You might be surprised.

If there's one thing I've learned doing foster care, it's "there but for the grace of God go I." The difference between foster parents and birthparents isn't as great as it first appears. Having compassion for our kids' birthparents only benefits the kids themselves.

[Jensboys]

We have had ongoing contact with our sons biological father for several years (going on 5) and he is incarcerated and will be for the next 19 years or so.

Although we were wary to start with, he has been nothing but respectful, supportive and very, very appreciative of the contact we allow.

Last year our then 12 year old son approached my husband and I and asked that we take him to meet his bio parents (he had been adopted from foster care at age 4). We talked about it with him for several months, preparing him, allowing him to change his mind (he did back and forth a couple times) until he was definitely ready.

We returned a week ago.

We had a FABULOUS visit with his birth father in a federal prison. It wasnt any more stressful or difficult than I had imagined, and in fact a whole lot less. Bdad was kind, honest, supportive and 10000% grateful.

He imparted much wisdom to my son in our two short visits. Lots of "listen to your mama, she loves you" A very sad "I wish someone had taken me and adopted me. You have every chance in the world and are so lucky". He shared more of his own awful and difficult childhood and I too understood "there, but for the grace of God, go I (and MY SON!)" He made horrible choices, but choices that he had to do to survive. He knew nothing other than drugs, crime and abuse. He parented how he had been parented and AT THE TIME didnt know it was wrong. But now he takes FULL responsibility. At the heart of it was a good man who failed his children but still loves them.

He was respectful, responsible and very, very, very happy for the chance to see his/our son.

What we did right? We wrote many letters back and forth. Sent many pictures that showed our lives, and how well and happy the boys were doing. I've sent report cards and medical reports. Things that helped him to feel "part" of their lives. He has NEVER overstepped but we took our time establishing a relationship.

Trust isn't just given, its EARNED. Allow him the chance to earn your trust. It isn't about racing into a relationship, its about time - and doing what you need to do for your kids.

Anyways, I blogged about meeting him if you are interested and what we learned in the process.