[akcskye]

Does anyone else have parents or friends that try to have you do what THEY think would be best in a certain situation?

Case and point, the other day, my son snuck my daughter's left over skittles and ate them all right when we got in the car. She was upset because SHE paid for them, and he laughed.

I immediately told him that it was not right, and that when he got some money, he would be buying her a new pack of skittles.

We get to my mom's house, where he smiles and pops a cookie in his mouth, to which I say "did you ASK for that cookie?" and he says "uh...can I have the cookie?", all smug, while chomping away.

I gave him "my look" and he didn't touch another one.

See, sweets are a priviledge in my house, not a right...I hardly ever buy them and when I do, it's not a 'grab and go' permission has to be asked.

Well, then my daughter wanted a cookie, and then immediately followed by asking for a soda. I do not allow soda for the same reason (but I do let them have one can a day, but only if asked, and that is their limit, too), and immediately, my son wanted a soda too.

I said cookie or a soda, and she chose the soda, and my mom got upset when I told my son he could NOT have the soda because the choice was soda or cookie, and he had already scarfed down the cookie.

Mom and I humorously battled for 10 minutes, to where I finally let him have the soda and told him he was lucky he was at grandmas.

But, don't you just HATE that type of thing? My rules are MY rules...the kids' bio families have a history of diabetes, and they are "ruled" by sweets...so was their birth family...so I choose to not allow sweets but certain few times so they don't have the related health problems.

I think that's only right, don't you? But what about when the one you are supposed to respect usurps you?

[MamaS]

As a mom, I totally agree with you. However, as a grandmom, I can see her side. If you visit Gmom several times a week, then she should respect your rules. However, if the visits are far apart and she doesn't see much of her grandchildren, then you should cut her some slack and let her treat her grandchildren. Maybe you could suggest that instead of "cookies and soda" at Grandma's, she could put a few cookies in a baggie and send home with you for dessert later? Or, she and the kids could make slice and bake cookies, eat a few and leave the rest for grandma? My grandson would rather cook six slice-and-bake cookies and eat them warm than have a whole package of shelf cookies. The joy is in the working together. Just a thought!

[kxl164]

We make concessions for grandparents, BUT if I say something that it the end of it. I don't have discussions about my rules with grandparents, if I do it would not be in front of the kids. I am the parent, what I say goes.

At grandparents houses though, they have more leeway and it is usually regarding food stuff and TV.

Rules are rules though, and what my husband and I say is final, no matter how the grandparents feel. I have had to "chat" with all of the grandparents, and aunts, and uncles about this. What we say goes, but if grandparents want to give pop tarts for breakfast we will stand in their way, as long as they don't go crazy (grandparents not kids) and start offering too much of everything and let the kids dictate to them.

Our issues like this sort of went... kids have to eat/drink at the table, ALWAYS, what they eat is your choice because it is your house. TV time is more open-ended with grandparents, as long as it is an acceptable show. Snacks are permitted, but no more than 1 snack between meals....

I literally wrote everything down, my husband and I discussed what we were willing to let you and what was important and gave it to everyone. They laughed at first, literally, but we told them our children need this structure for their own good and to not follow our guidelines would wind up hurting the children and why would they want to do that? It got through, and we have very few problems now, although I hate the idea of my kids have pop tarts for breakfast!

Our word is law for everything, if someone doesn't understand they can talk to me about it later, but not in front of the children.

[wrekdiver]

OH YEAH! My MIL made a truce. At my house, even if she's there, my rules. At her house, her rules. We also started from the beginning with very few sweets in house. That includes no fruit juice. It has been wonderful b/c our son never begs for juice or other sweets at our house since he knows we don't have them. But let him go to Grandma's! The minute he gets through the door, oh boy, it's the first thing he asks for.

But, they are your children and relatives should respect that and stand by your wishes.

[meshsgrl]

I live next door to MIL and she is the champion spoiler... her adult kids are spoiled rotten, she makes several different entrees for each meal just to please all the adults in the house!!
She also keeps all kinds of sweets in the house and hands them out very freely to kids!!!
She did learn her lesson very quickly with my first FS. sugar made him incredibly hyper. She has since been very respectful in asking if she can give stuff to the kids. I am also a bit more lenient because she will always check with me before giving them anything!!

She keeps telling me if DH was here he would do the same thing.. and as the only Grandma my kids have here, she has to do double spoiling!! LOL but my kids see her practically every day, so we have to have an understanding that I am ini charge and I do not parent like she does/did.

We both speak pennsylvania dutch so we often communicate in dutch, so the kids dont know we are debating how many cookies they can have!!!

[greenrobin]

Sadly, we don't have any grandmas anymore. My own mom died nearly 6 years ago and my sweet MIL passed away a year ago. I loved them both.

Our way to handle this was if I was present, my rules stuck, regardless of where we were. I told both grandmas that they may be the grandma, but I'm the mom and I had to take them with me when I left! My MIL especially got the logic of that! But, as a concession, when I wasn't present, Grandma was in charge. It gave us both the control we needed.

I now have 2 step-grandchildren who are wonderful. I find myself wanting to make concessions for them as well--and I have 2 kids as well who are younger than the grands and I use my mom rules with them! Talking out of both side of my mouth I guess! I have to remind MYSELF that my lovely DIL has to take her kids home with her when she goes!

And then I back off.

[EandDmom]

LOL reminds me of one time I stayed at my MILs house I was asleep in the rooom next to the kitchen and I heard her tell my then 4 year old son .. "of course you can have cake for breakfast honey"

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by EandDmom

LOL reminds me of one time I stayed at my MILs house I was asleep in the rooom next to the kitchen and I heard her tell my then 4 year old son .. "of course you can have cake for breakfast honey"

My mom did the same thing, only it was pudding! And when I asked her what on EARTH she was thinking, becase she certainly never would have let ME have pudding for breakfast, she shrugged sheepishly and said "Well, I figured it has milk....and eggs...kind of like an omelette..."

[akcskye]

Thanks for the replies! Love 'em.

Makes me not feel so alone.

[AmahMama]

I'm a foster mom and a grandmom.... Nine of the 11 grandchildren were just here for 3 weeks on an annual visit. Talk about "both sides of my mouth"!!!! LOL

My daughter is her kids Mom and SHE makes the rules... I've known them for a long time so it makes it rather compatable and easy for me to remember. She was raised by me so her rules aren't so different from what mine were.... but the idea of a visit is to have a good time.... and that doesn't include arguing about - or discussing - the reasons behind the rules you've made. The one thing MY mother told me years ago... "When it comes to permissions (even to break the rules) think about your answer, give your answer, and it is over. If you don't think about it, give it, and change it, it will never be over". This has been one of the truest, sanest, thoughtfullest piece of advice that she ever imparted. Such as in PP's case, he and Gma argued long enough, the answer changed..... LOL

Good luck to all!

[jbee]

my kids are pretty good about going back to normal once they are out of my mom's house. there, she gives in, babies them, etc etc. i told her to get a backbone or get walked on. she did not and gets walked on. i gave up.
once they are home, though, they know not to pull the crap they do there. i tell them to listen to gma, but it is hard when she dosen't make them. i can't be there to enforce her all the time. and she dosen't seem to mind, lol.

[lhutton]

In my situation, this is much more of a problem with my foster children than with my bio children. I've found that my fosters & adopteds (many of whom have had attachment issues) will manipulate situations in seemingly innocent ways. This was never a problem with my bios. For example, I frequently have dressing battles with my one adoptive daughter. The way I've tried to give her some control over this is that she can pick one item of clothing to wear and I'll then pick the rest of her outfit. One day she had a melt down over what I chose for her to wear with what she had picked. I stayed firm. After leaving to go over my friend's house to play with her daughter, she manipulated my friend into letting her change into her daughter's clothing. Now, was it really such a big deal that she wore someone else's clothes? I can see how someone from the outside would see this as insignificant. However, it's part of a larger pattern of noncompliance on her part. I feel that it is important that she learn to obey our rules. In this case, I explained to her that she could not go over this friends house until she had proven to me that I could trust her to continue to follow my rules there. I really put these disagreements in parenting down more to my children trying to manipulate the situation than to the other adults drawn into this battle.