[meshsgrl]

I need some encouragement to be the strict mean prison warden parent!! I am the type of person that avoids controversy at almost all costs... UNTIL you push me to far and this week I was pushed to far.
i have a very disrespectful 11 yr old living with me. Her general behavior is good... she follows the rules, doesnt lie much, can be wonderfully sweet and kind when she wants to! But she can also have major attitude problems and serious disrespect when she wants!! She hates me... my house... my rules.... I am torturing her because she has to keep her room clean etc...
Right now she is with me because this behavior got out of control at her house, back in January.
I also have some info tonight that she might have been molested as a child. any ideas on how to approach her about that?
I start her in therapy next week, and she is FLIPPING out!! She will pretty much do anything to get out of it!


My house is not very stable as kids come and go all the time.. we have a hard time setting a routine.


And since I am venting anyway... I still dont have kids long term other then her and I dont get any reimbursement for her. I have no job and my church who wonderfully supports their missonaries who go to other countries doesnt think i in ministry because I am at home!! So I am frustrated by the lack of support... the lack of long term kids... the lack of job... and the lack of respect in my kid....
I need some encouragement to be consistent.... direct and patient!!

[katenlen04]

Take a deep breath! We were told that you cannot take the behavior personally. She doesn't hate you! These children are acting out because of many different reasons and the "mother" is the one that takes the most punishment. Remember why they came to you in the first place, as hard as it may be in the heat of the moment, but it'll help you in the long run. Her outbursts are a way for her to get attention. Did she not get enough in the past? Was she moved around a lot? Do the outbursts happen after a family visit (I don't know the situation, just throwing out questions...)? Outbursts also show a kid's frustration. Try to remain calm and ask her if something is wrong, did someone say something to her, is there something she wants, etc... If you have to, walk away and count to 10 before you approach her. When she has an outburst tell her that it's obvious that something is wrong and is there someplace she can go in the house to calm down and then come and talk to you later? As far as therapy goes I would talk to her and let her know that it's going to be there to help her; she can talk about anything that bothers her, etc..., or just sit there if she wants to (but of course counselors have a way of getting children to talk!). Let the counselor know about the possible sexual abuse and go from there. If it happened and she wants to talk about it, just remind her that it was never her fault and that you're sorry she had to go through that; she must have been scared; assure her it won't happen again; let her know that you are there to listen; etc... As for the mean parent thing you just have to set rules and stick to them. Have consequences for misbehaviors and DON'T BEND!!! Try a reward system for the kids (earning poker chips for doing chores, trade 4 in for a dollar, for example) and explain to them we have rules for a reason and they need to be followed. You don't have to be mean, so to speak, you just need to be consistent and firm. Post rules or chore charts (making bed, keeping room picked up, etc...) and go over them when each new child comes in. I think above anything else, you just have to be consistent! Good luck! I hope I've helped.....

[Daisy1339]

How is it that you're not getting any subsidy for her? Is she the child of a family friend? You refer to her as "my kid", which makes me think she is family, maybe?

You say that you have new information that she was molested as a child (although, 11 years old is still very much a child, even though I'm sure she can act much older!), did you get this info from a social worker? Is the therapy paid for by subsidy?

I wouldn't approach her about this information, if I were in your shoes. I would wait and speak to the therapist, by phone out of ear shot, and ask that person how best to deal with any issues she may have resulting from her history. You might make matters worse without meaning to.

As for her disrespect, it may be because of what you found out. I hope it works out and she gets the help that she needs.

[AmyAnne]

The therapy one's hard. I would try an attachment therapist if Little Miss is intended to stay with you. They tend to see through the bull and call the kids on their issues.

As for the disrespect... you have my sympathies. MY son turned 11 today.

We do several things for that. Noncompliance equals inconvenience time. He walks away while I'm talking to him, I simply say "No problem. I will count inconvenience time until you come back". It takes him 20 minutes to come back? That's 20 minutes he now owes me. I can send him to bed 20 minutes early or make him do a chore or make my lunch.... and I can use it now or later and I don't have to tell him when I'm going to cash it in or for what. If he walks away and I started screaming "You come back here this moment! Young man, do you hear me?" I am FAR MORE entertaining to watch, and he has FAR MORE power than if I just tell him "Okay, I'm counting inconvenience time"

Of course, we get the temper flareups also. In that case, I tell him "I will begin your 5 minutes now."

Let's say, he needs to clean his room and he tells me he hates me and I'm stupid and so on.

My reply is now "I will begin your 5 minutes now". He has 5 minutes to get back in control. Or at least he has 5 minutes to cease arguing with me if he would like to avoid a consequence. Usually, I solve this by walking out of the room so he cannot continue to fight with me. (This was after more than 1 struggle to make him go to his room when he refused to do so. I began leaving the room he was in. Again, it's about you having the power.) If he can stop fighting with me in 5 minutes, he merely has to apologize for his actions (If he chooses to not fight, he can take longer to get himself under control if he chooses.) THere are certain things that get a small consequence when he cools off... such as slamming a door. He slams the door, when he comes to apologize for his behavior, he will have to open and shut the door quietly the number of times as he is old (11 in this case)

Failure to get it back together in 5 minutes (or at least stop screaming at Mom) results in a consequence. Certain actions also are not acceptable in the 5 minute period (If I am verbally or physically threatened, if an item is thrown at me, or a breakable item is thrown in his room, or he attempts to harm me, himself or our pets) and result in a consequence automatically.

[RobinKay]

Wow, amyanne--I will print out that post. Things are going to change around my house TOMORROW! What excellent, common sense strategies!

thank you very much!

[afamilythroughfoster]

I have gone through a parenting class called "love and logic". It was wonderful. It is a 6-8 week course on a parenting style that is very similar to amyanne's. Our office on youth puts on the program but the counselors who invented the parenting philosophy also put on their own workshops. Our course cost 20.00 and included supper and babysitting.
They cover every topic from every day things, like whining and back talking, to serious offenses like failing school and going to jail. I could go on and on about the program because it changed our lives for the better.

Our son is only 4yo and other people who care for him tell me how responsible and polite he is. It's all because the program gave me practical advice and things to say to make him understand that he is responsible for his things and his behavior and only he will be inconvieneced if he doesn't listen. I get to all say all this with a smile because I no longer hold myself responsible for his behavior.

He had a horrendous melt down in a store the other day due to a missed nap. When he finally did get a nap, he asked if he could go ride his 4wheeler. I told him how sorry I was but he simply exhausted me with his behavior earlier and I needed to rest and didn't have the "energy" to take him 4wheelin' in the yard. It was now his responsiblity to restore my energy stores by cleaning the living room. He said "no". I replied, "that's fine" but my energy store will not be full until the living room was clean and he couldn't ride after dark so if he didn't do it soon, he would not get to ride until it was done.

You will find that taking this approach doesn't work immediately but after about a week (2 weeks if she's really stubborn) that you mean business and that her attitude only inconviences her because your smiling and she's not doing what she wants, then she'll start accepting it.

[meshsgrl]

I volunteer at a youth center for my church... she is one of the kids we worked with. When things got out of control at home I was asked to take her. It started out as more of mentor thing then a parent thing, and I think thats why its so complicated right now!!
I havea hard time trying to explain her behavor... its so hard... I never take the I hate yous personal... for example the other night she said to me... dont take it personal but I hate you and your house... this was after 30 mins of ranting after I picked her up at her house. I told her I never take it personal because I know deep down you really love me!! She just looked at me... Like you really are crazy!!! LOL
Honestly I think the problem we have is she is starting to realize that no matter how far she pushes me I WILL NOT GET MAD AND YELL AT HER ( I was frustrated last night and told her that we needed to wait until this morning to discuss her behavior) and I will not pity her like a lot of the people at the youth center do!! (they all think I am as mean as her mom) She is startign to feel secure at my house and the meltdowns usually happen when we do go to her house or the youth center!
She is with me mon -fri and then stays with her parents weekends. Her mom has 7 kids and a serious lack of parenting skills. Like last night for ex. I was called in last minute to help out at the youth center and her mom was there when we got there and the look on her face.... I was glad I wasnt her kid... she looked so,I dont know... like just why are you ruining my night?!?!

As far as the sexual abuse... she doesnt know that I know.. her mom suspects it but has no proof.
She is also afraid to tell me anything because she knows I have to report anything dangerous. I reported her dad for leaving bruises on her.

But back to the behaviors... its more the complaining when she has to do ANYTHING!! mouthing off and trying to embarrass me in public. Being rude to any one in authority. I see the behaviors more when we are around her friends in town. I live approx 35 miles from her house and the youth center.
She had an anger fit last night... I was babysitting for the directors kids.. upstairs and something happened that she was kicked out of the youth center... then one of the staff started feeling bad for her and she ended up getting so worked up she threw up!!!
I know this all sounds confusing... but I really am confused!!!


I should add she is incredibly manipulative!!

[meshsgrl]

Amyanne... I like the 5 mins things... I think that will be helpful!! I am sure I will use it for future foster kids too!!

[aMarylandfamily]

Many of us posters here have kids who exhibit the behaviors you are describing and we don't/won't find them confusing so keep posting - to vent, to cry, to get advice (knowing though that you will have to waddle through suggestions and determine what works for you without taking offense to opinions also offered at times if they are in disagreement with your thinking!) ... our home is run similar to Amy's above - natural and logical and I will admit I have put a show on for our ds from time to time when the anger does get the best of me but the majority of time what works best is making him account for his time, wasted time and his actions (cussing costs $1 and can get very expensive ... our ds is 16!). The ranting is just that - hard to remember when you are being yelled at that she really doesn't mean what she is saying and if she does she'll have to learn to deal with those parts ... the best response is "I'll get over it, and hope you do too" (especially to the I hate you's).

First order of business is to decide (even with your changing schedules, etc.) what rules are consistent, what consequences are to be consistent and no matter what happens don't break either (best advice is to start with short simple ones and build up to the others) ... i.e., the first rule is no clothes on the floor - if you leave clothes on the floor, they become yours for two/three days - and don't give them back - if I ask you to do something and you don't, you will not watch tv til that is done ... takes alot of patience and control to start but within a short timeframe she will be complying (for the most part - not 100% - remember she is a preteen, she is 11 and she is out to see forever if she can have control!).

Hope this helps -