[blau5]

We've had our fs for almost 9 weeks. He has been in care for over a year, in 2 previous foster homes. His permanency hearing is the middle of this week. There are 2 different relatives with approved homestudies that are being looked at. We have no idea what to expect. We don't want to stand in the way of relative placement but want the judge to understand that if relative placement does not seem good that we would love to raise him.
We are very nervous. The relatives will have a visitation prior to the hearing. They will all probably be in the waiting area at the court house too. Yikes!
We are trying to scramble to assemble a life book of some sort so he can maybe remember us. He has attached to us already and we just want what is best for him. Any advice on how to handle the whole situation would be great.

[AmahMama]

Just because a relative has passed a home study does not mean they will really, truly, actually take the child (I know that sounds wierd, but this has been my experience). The permancy hearing is just where the dept tells the judge what they feel is in the best interest of the child and the judge either agrees or disagrees. That's kind of a simplistic way to put it - but I've only been suprised by them 2x in 10 years. Twice the judge returned children to home against dept recommendations. Doesn't sound like this is even on the table tho'. Relatives are a fact of life for children...try to be as kind and casual about meeting them without going overboard and at 2 the child will probably take it in better stride than you LOL! Just like any other relatives... Speak, introduce yourselves (first names only), don't answer personal questions, keep any info on child general (i.e. he has 3 new molars, we are working on potty training, he has 7 new words, etc). Don't ignore but don't make big overatures. Keep it all low key and relax.... today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday!!!

It is the dept's place to recommend changes in placement and it is possible that the judge may move the child if he believes that you would stand in the way of or get to attached to facilitate RU. I don't know that this would be something that would even be addressed at a permancy hearing. Ask your cw or gal or casa - whichever you have in your area.

Good luck and God Bless

[Withay]

The first rule of foster parenting, when it comes to any type of hearing, is stick strictly to the facts if asked any questions.

What Amah said above is so true. I always try to put myself in the relatives position. Think of how nervous they are in meeting the person who is caring for their relatives child. Perhaps they are there in spite of what some of their family members say. There are cases where a relative going forward to help a child are sort of (for lack of a better word) 'tossed out' of the family.

I would imagine that they are even more nervous than you, upset by what has and is happening to their cousin, niece, nephew, grandchild, etc. In my experience the relatives who come forward are usually very grateful to the foster family for helping the child(ren).

Take a few deep breaths and relax. Good luck.

[blau5]

Thanks guys, your wisdom is priceless in these stressful times. I look to these forums for guidance daily and am so thankful knowing there are so many others out there that have been through this stuff and have the calming answers we need.

[MrsMoli]

We are pretty much in the same boat as you are. We are waiting on a homestudy to be done on relatives but have no idea who they are or where they have been. FS has 2 half siblings that were adopted 4 years ago and we are not sure if this is the same family. We won't stand in the way if that is the case but it does break your heart, doesn't it? FS is also our first and only placement. So needless to say we are attached and he sees us as Mom and Dad.

We are putting it in God's hands. Thoughts are with you too!

[blau5]

MrsMoli,
It does break your heart, and I am just more worried for HIM. I know I can eventually get through this if he goes but I don't want him to think that we just "left" him. It tears me up to think that he will feel abandoned. He is only 2 and doesn't understand what the heck is going on. We are his 3rd foster home in the year he has been in care and he just seems to have attached so easily to us. Good luck to you in your situation also. Hopefully we will find out more tomorrow, spending all day at court.

[hkolln]

I'm sure the relatives are just as nervous or even more nervous then you are! I've been there, done that. Felt very thankful for the foster family keeping our niece safe during those months until we could take her and just happy to know she was in a good home if something did happen. Please don't be like they were to us which is pushed us away from our niece and didn't allow us to call her or have a relationship with her during the entire 10 mos we tried to get her here....I understand it was hard for them however it was hard for us too.

And even if the child does by chance move to one of the relatives homes and you keep a positive attitude about it then lets hope the relatives allow you to keep in touch with the child. Afterall the more love to go around the better the child will be and the more the child sees you working with them then against them the better transition goes.

[RobinKay]

I was in the same situation as Helen--our son was our nephew when he was in foster care.

Our ICPC took forever--the ffamily was aware of us, we gave an album of pictures a few months after he was in care, and we had requested the ICPC. When the placement was imminent, their attitude was awful-- I was told by fmom "he's a member of our family, we consider him a member of our family" and then she proceeded to badmouth our entire family and even lil guy's sister who was barely 18 yrs old and was in foster care also. Ironically, their agency excused their behavior by saying they were not aware of us and our interest in the child--interesting that she knew enough about the family to run down everybody, but was "not aware" there was a pending ICPC.

It was awful, and worst of all--the horrible stress on lil guy (he was 6 1/2). I could go on and on, and rereading the above, I guess I did!

We would have been so open to communicating with them-but they decided early on--no communication. Unfortunately that was their call-and they tried to use the lack of contact against us in court. If we'd had a chance to get to know them and develop a relationship of mutual concern for the child and mutual respect, we might have been OK with the ffamily adopting him. But they literally terrified us with their attitude--we could not consider leaving him with them.

So, I have gone on too much as usual-please forgive me.

OP--please keep your hearts open to the child's bfamily members. They love this child, they want to provide a home and love just as you do, and also share the family history and heritage, the family customs and traditions. These relatives may also be able to share the how and why of the bparents not being there for the child in a way that aparents outside the family may not be able to do.

There is a chance you can come to an understanding of how well the child is doing with you and that you are a good place for the child to stay. I think the key is to acknowledge their love and concern for their young relative, and go on from their as your heart (and common sense!) guide.

Will be thinking good thoughts your way, and I hope everyone involved keeps the child foremost in their hearts and minds.

[greenrobin]

We've had 11 foster kids and been at several hearings. It's been our experience that at such a short time the judge won't ask you anything, but I don't know how it is everywhere. In our part of TX we show up simply because we either have to bring the kids or we want to know where it all stands.

In a permanancy MEETING that happens pre-hearing dh and I have always had input. At the HEARING we just sit in the courtroom. The case is called, the state lines up on one side the family on the other. The judge asks for pertinent details, assigns lawyers if anyone who is a party to the case--which you are probably not yet because you've not had the child for very long--assuming they can't afford the attorney. The state makes their recommendation and the judge decides where the kids will go next. It's been my experience that this early s/he will usually say "status quo" unless there are suitable relatives available. I've generally just been another observer in the courtroom.

And then there are the very unusual times when a judge just goes all maverick and decides whatever they want.

I know it's easy to fall in love with the kids we have. I think we're supposed to. But the first goal is always RU, second best is family. Tell the cw that you want to keep him if possible. That way it will be in his/her mind should the case go that way. Unless the judge directly asked me, I would definitely not bring it up in a permanency hearing.

And, by the way, the judge did directly ask me when my little boy went for a private audience with him. And I told him. We're about 9 1/2 months into our kids' case and the termination trial had already been set.

[greenrobin]

blau5?

How did it go?

[blau5]

They placed him with relatives. They didn't ask us anything. Seems that the lawyers and judge went out of the courtroom and decided in the hall that he would go to relatives until TPR was official. Then they came back in the courtroom with the child who had fallen asleep while he was in the hall with a DSS worker while we were in the courtroom. After the decision was read, the lawyer handed him over to the family. We met the relatives in the waiting room while we waited for over 2.5 hours and they seemed like they would be great with him. We are just devastated because it happened so fast. We only had him for 9 weeks but we had attached to him as well. They are on a flight back to their state probably right now. We gave them our diaper bag and a car seat. We are just heartbroken. We knew he would probably be leaving soon but we didn't even get to give him a hug or kiss goodbye. We cried most of the 1.5 hour drive back to our county. I know he will be fine with them and we knew this was going to be hard as foster parents, but this is really heartbreaking. We just got home not long ago to toys in the living room, all his stuff still in his room.
If we had known that it was possible that he was being taken from us today we would have brought his things. I just wish we had more time to adjust to his leaving. We had even started writing everything down to give to them for when he left like what he likes to eat, favorite toys and shows, etc but now he has nothing but 1 change of clothes, 5 diapers, wipes, and the toys we could fit in the diaper bag. Oh, this is so sad. Foster parenting sucks at this moment!

[Joei_in_NJ]

I am here just bawling - I am sorry you are feeling so hurt - If I may I pray that your heart will heal soon and know that for 9 weeks that you had him you loved him with all your heart - I am still in the early process but i wanted to give you my support

[suzyq18]

My heart just goes out to you and know that you are in our thoughts. We too had a a placement with an adorable baby girl. We got a call that the court ordered her to go to relatives, and within the hour they were at our home picking her up. It was really hard for a while... and another placement is here, needing us to love him and take care of him. I have to remember that we are doing this for these kids who need us so much and all I can do is take care of him and pray that he'll get to stay with us. Take care of yourself!
Suzy

[greenrobin]

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

We had a similar situation with 4 kids. The charges were severe, no services offered and 5 weeks later they were turned over to family in 1 day.

It hurts.

Take time to grieve.

Almost everyone here has been where you are now.

[Withay]

{{{{{blau5}}}}}

I'm so sorry that you are grieving right now. I know it is hard. I've been there over 100 times now. It doesn't hurt less, but it does get easier to handle. Give yourself and dh (and your extended family and friends) time to grieve the loss of this little. Know too that you made a difference in his life. He may not know it, but subconciously he will always feel it.

I care.