[blubutterflies03]

Hi- we went to court last week and the allegated father for our baby did not show up. The foster parents for our infants brother said they wanted the child "removed" (this was his 3rd placement in 4 mths), so the judge got angry and asked if the bio-mom was "ready" to take the 19mth old in the long term facility she is in. She has progressed from level 1 to level 2 so they said yes. So, they moved the brother in with her since she has a bond with him and he is older. We don't go to court again until December, so we should have Baby "b" until then. I am TOTALLy supportive of the mom if she does what she is suppose to. She deserves to have her kids back if she gets off of drugs, gets her GED, gets a job and takes care of her kids. My CASA worker seems to think she might even surrender her rights for the baby, but I don't know about all that. i am so supportive, I want to give her a small gift so she will feel the support we have for her to celebrate her accomplishment to her goal. It is a long journey to recover. I only want the best for my foster son. What do you think about all this???

[vegaschristina]

I would be cautious giving the bmom gifts. I would either make sure that it's not worth much money or that it's ok'd by the CW,

[blubutterflies03]

hey Christina-

I asked the lady in charge @ the facility and she ok'd the gift after I told her what it was. Out of curiosity, why should i be concerned how much the gift was worth? It was pj's and perfume. I am just curious.

[vegaschristina]

If you get to a point where she decides to relinquish, it could be looked at as an inducement. Or if she's like my kids' bmom, she'd immediately pawn it for recreationaly pharmacuticals.

[blubutterflies03]

Hey Christina,

I appreciate the reply and input. Acutally the mom just moved from level 1 to level 2 at her rehab, so I was just trying to be supportive, and I know she does not have much of anything and I wanted to give her something (to make her feel good about herself) and was definitely not trying to get her to favor me. She is the same age as one of my daughter, and I feel like she needs support. Yeah, I know things don't take the place of love, but my husband thought it was a good idea, plus I bought her other son ( baby "b"s brother a toy. As in the rehab place they have to share toys and I thought it would be nice to have something new. I guess I had good intentions, and am hoping I did the right thing. I bought her pj's and perfume by the way.

[vegaschristina]

Sounds like she's doing great! I hope that she continues and is able to resume parenting.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

We, too, were told no gifts except for things like: pics of the kids in picture frames, a card, a book, a small gift certificate for haircut or something if parent is job hunting etc. Nothing worth over $15-20 and nothing that can be returned somewhere for cash was the recommendation. So I can see why.

But if got the PJs and Perfume ok'd and she isn't exactly headed to TPR then I would give it and be merry!

Kim

[Mystik]

I think what you bought her sounds lovely and think it was very sweet of you to consider her and support her in such a way. So many of these bios are lacking any real support in their lives and usually it's been a life long lack of real support which tends to make it near impossible for them to overcome and although it's not our obligation by any means as foster parents to become their support it certainly does take a very kind heart and special personality to offer that kind of generosity and support as you have. I know sadly I seriously struggle with that myself. In fact I refuse to be of any support to my girls bios because I just can't seem to allow myself to risk the involvement. It's a personal choice and I really do think you have done a wonderful thing and I don't frown upon it in the least even though I myself can honestly admit I'm incapable of doing it myself.

[Robbin]

Your heart is sooo in the right place. I do agree with some of the other posters, though. You have to be careful because sometimes the bios may "use" you or it may turn around to bite you in the butt.

I would suggest sending regular letters about the kids with enclosures of some of their art work and cut out of articles about child rearing, budgeting, etc., and cards of encouragement.

I don't know, what is the age of the biomom? How many children does she have and what are their ages and were there previous placements?

If she is a young mom who had a traumatic childhood herself, she may very well need a mentor and roll model to become a successful adult and if you can be that person for her. Remember, though, if she is in rehab, she has a long history of manipulating situations and people to get her needs and wants fulfilled. She is probably MUCH more street wise than you are and you need to aware of that.

SO, cover your butt and be sure you that you say - during your very next conversation with her - that you want to help her in every way that you can to successfully reunite with her kids, but she has to understand that you are absolutely OBLIGATED to report any troubling behavior you observe or conversations that you two have to the caseworker. If she does not want the caseworker to know, she should not tell you. Urge her to tell the cw herself. You do not want to get caught up in a moral dilemma of "...don't tell the caseworker, but....". Your first obligation is to the safety and well-being of the children. A successful reunification will be based on the cw knowing ALL the facts.

Good Luck to you, and her, and the kids!