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#1
07-11-2008, 12:46 PM
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advice from the experienced!
I am a single mom.... 25 yrs old....
I want a toddlers and babies altho I work with a lot of 8-12 yr old kids at my youth center. I have an 11 yr old partime for the past 8 months... I got a call for a 10 yr old girl, no major behaviors, SA by bdad and 1st fdad, so they need a single mom... I am not a preadoptive home and have only been a foster parent since March 2008. They want to know if I would be willing to adopt this child. tips.... advice... precautions... please send them all.
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01/08 C 11 respite weekends and summer care (not foster) 01/08 started classes 02/08 homestudy 03/08 licensed 03/08 first call/ said no 04/08/08 Little Guy 04/29/08 moved w/bro 5/16/08 brothers X 5 - D 2 5/30/08 X moved to family friend 6/30/08 D moved with Bdad 7/ 18/08 E 4 -K 3 -J 2 - B 1 7/21/08 E-K-J-B back with bparents And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. 
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#2
07-11-2008, 06:09 PM
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Is her goal actually adoption or has TPR taken place yet? If so, I would get more info and maybe meet her before you make up your mind.
Also, I notice there would only be a 15 year gap between the two of you. I'm not really assuming anything there, but I just noticed. I wonder how she would feel if down the road you met a guy and it turned serious? Best of luck with the decision. I don't really have advice or anything, I just typed a few thoughts that popped into my head when I read your post.
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Mommy to: "Zooster Girl" adopted at 1 1/2  Foster Mommy to: "G-man" placed at 6 months "Zany Girl" placed at 4 months
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#3
07-11-2008, 07:22 PM
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My warning would be that with a sexually abused child, you may find that you are unable to take any children younger then this child, in the future, due to her potentially sexually acting out.
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Adoptive mom to two sisters ages 7 & 10 from PA Fostercare 10/18/04 App Submitted 11/6/04 Adoption classes completed! 12/8/04, 1/13 & 1/27/05 Homestudies completed 3/15/05 Approved Homestudy "S" and "C" to moved in 6/17/05! TPRed 1/5/06 ADOPTED 7/11/06! (at age 5 & 8)
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#4
07-11-2008, 08:28 PM
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s her goal actually adoption or has TPR taken place yet? If so, I would get more info and maybe meet her before you make up your mind
They have a court date for aug. changing the goal to TPR. I will def meet her before I make a decision. I wonder how she would feel if down the road you met a guy and it turned serious? this has been a concern for me also.... trying to imagine getting into a relationship while dealing with the things this child would have to deal with. My warning would be that with a sexually abused child, you may find that you are unable to take any children younger then this child, in the future, due to her potentially sexually acting out. that was a question that I asked the SW today... havent gotten an answer yet Also, I notice there would only be a 15 year gap between the two of you. I'm not really assuming anything there, but I just noticed. Not sure what you were implying there.
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01/08 C 11 respite weekends and summer care (not foster) 01/08 started classes 02/08 homestudy 03/08 licensed 03/08 first call/ said no 04/08/08 Little Guy 04/29/08 moved w/bro 5/16/08 brothers X 5 - D 2 5/30/08 X moved to family friend 6/30/08 D moved with Bdad 7/ 18/08 E 4 -K 3 -J 2 - B 1 7/21/08 E-K-J-B back with bparents And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me.
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#5
07-11-2008, 08:52 PM
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I think JessicaB was trying to say that with only 15 years between you and this child about to his puberty and adolescence, it may become a problem for her to see you as an authority figure rather than an older friend. May not happen....but could. It was something I ran into as a student teacher getting my license when I taught 6th graders (11yr old). They thought of me as a cool older sister rather than the person in charge. I had to make sure my title and place was kept in check and did not turn myself into their "friend".
Is there a possibility you could say yes to fostering this child and tell them you are not willing to make a decision on adoption yet? I don't think anyone can make that decision without getting to know the child while under the same roof--- and seeing if they are a good fit for your lifestyle and you a good fit for them and their personality. Good Luck. I hope you get lots of info before having to decide anything. Kim
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Wife to:  DH-J for 5 yearsMom to: DS-H 14yrs DS-S 2yrsCurrent Placements: None- my little one going through terrible twos is also about to have a tonsilectomy. Ugh. If you have stories of success please pass them to me. If you have a horror story, please, I don't think I could handle it right now. LOL Former foster son came this past weekend for his birthday celebration and one last hoorah before school starts. I was happy to see him doing better. Former placements: four boys!!  and FINALLY respite for one baby girl Aunt to: 11 Nephews......when does the male madness end!  Mom for McCain 
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#6
07-12-2008, 05:12 AM
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There will be ups and downs no matter what child you adopt or foster. I agree that you should get to know her and see if you are compatible. If so, I say go for it
and deal with each issue as it comes up. Get her into therapy and help her learn to deal with her past and look forward to her future.
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Robbin Mom to: MK(28) TM (18) EM (14) Stepmom to EP(15) Foster to Adopt Mom to FL(15) GL(9) ECP(6) Nanny to NK (5) Homeschooling EM, EP, ECP & FL Fostered: J7,N11,M12,S13mo ,M4,K8,F13,R8,T9,L3 
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#7
07-12-2008, 08:13 AM
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Quote:
Yes, we were always given the advice not to attempt to parent a child that you aren't actually old enough to be the parent of. Experience has taught me that this is a very wise rule, and with only 15 years between you, it might be cutting it a tad close. I can see the concern that she might have difficulty seeing you as an authority figure, especially in the teen years. That's not a deal breaker by any means, but just something to be aware of. I know I briefly attempted to parent a 15 year old when I was 23, and THAT did work out so well ;-)
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#8
07-12-2008, 08:52 AM
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Thanks Kim and Stevenstwin for clarifying some of my thoughts on the age thing. Those were the exact kind of things I was thinking, but I was too tired to articulate them well so I didn't try.
I like the idea of fostering her without explicit intentions to adopt.
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Mommy to: "Zooster Girl" adopted at 1 1/2 Foster Mommy to: "G-man" placed at 6 months "Zany Girl" placed at 4 months
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#9
07-12-2008, 11:47 AM
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there are 10 years between me and our fsons, we made it clear when they came if they were going to have a problem with it they had better speak up and we would find somewhere more suitable.
so far no problems with them unwilling to recognize our authority. we made it clear we are not their friends, we are substitute parents. i don't know how it has worked for other folks, though. i am 28, dh 29 and fs 18 and 17. we had an 18yo girl once too.
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jenny 2 bio daughters, 5 and 3 dfs adopted, 2 fs 17 and fs 18 adding on our house to have one more fkid!
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#10
07-12-2008, 12:58 PM
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the age is the least of my worries....
I am more worried about things like having other younger kids in the house in the future... dating... problems with my friends who all have younger kids
__________________
01/08 C 11 respite weekends and summer care (not foster) 01/08 started classes 02/08 homestudy 03/08 licensed 03/08 first call/ said no 04/08/08 Little Guy 04/29/08 moved w/bro 5/16/08 brothers X 5 - D 2 5/30/08 X moved to family friend 6/30/08 D moved with Bdad 7/ 18/08 E 4 -K 3 -J 2 - B 1 7/21/08 E-K-J-B back with bparents And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me.
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#11
07-12-2008, 01:19 PM
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Quote:
Here's my thought - I KNOW we have to be SO careful, because there is an increased chance of a sexually abused child acting out on younger children. BUT it always seems like such a shame to me that we can't give these poor kids a chance - I don't know the statistics, but I have to assume that lots of SA victims never harm anyone else. Actually, we took our FS after being absolutly assured that he had never been sexully abused. After having him for more than a year (and seeing that he is absolutely trust-worthy with our younger child) he disclosed to me that he HAD in fact been sexually abused when he was much younger. So the social workers never really know everything for sure, but my poor boy has NEVER acted out against another child, despite what happened to him. I don't know about the dating...that I have no experience of, but I would think that you'd be able to manage that with discretion and sensitivity.
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