[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Some people pride themselves on never using respite. Do not feel like you have to be one of them or that you are doing something terribly wrong if you use it. It's ok to take a break and it's ok to spend time with your family unit alone. If you were planning to adopt this little one I would say take her, but if this is a foster-only situation then you are not a bad foster mom to want a relaxing vacation. Everyone does what they have to do and no one way is right.

Kim

[kxl164]

We have always taken the kids with us on vacation. We used respite once when we didn't have permission to take them away for the weekend because it interfered with a visit and swore after than experience never to do it again. I know respite if there for families to use it and have a break, but it wasn't good for us, or the kids.

BUT, depending on the age of the infant I don't know if I would take a baby to the beach. This is not because of any foster care issues, I just don't like to take my little ones to the beach. I get too anxious about the heat and the sun, even with a canopy and sunscreen on hand. But that is just me. I still get anxious with my kids at the beach and the youngest is 3!

If everyone can still have the same fun and relaxing experience with the baby there and the baby will be fine too, then bring the baby. If it would be too hard or stressful with the baby there and you think the baby will be fine w/o you, then utilize respite. Only you can answer what would be right for your family.

Good Luck and have fun on vacation!

[vernellinnj]

Originally Posted by xxsurroundedbyxy

Some people pride themselves on never using respite. Do not feel like you have to be one of them or that you are doing something terribly wrong if you use it. It's ok to take a break and it's ok to spend time with your family unit alone. If you were planning to adopt this little one I would say take her, but if this is a foster-only situation then you are not a bad foster mom to want a relaxing vacation. Everyone does what they have to do and no one way is right.

Kim

Could not agree more about no one way being better than another! If I knew more FPs and considered them friends perhaps I would use respite. For me, the fact that a person is a FP, alone, doesn't make me trust them. Many people use respite and are happy with it. No judgement, that's what supporting each other is about.

Enjoy your vacation!

[FosterMamma2008]

Respite may work for some people, but how well does it work for the child? Everyone has seen the studies about bonding issues and RAD. So how will leaving a foster child behind effect the bond you are trying to create with them?

In our MAPPS classes it was DRILLED into our heads how important to treat the foster children AS YOUR OWN, so that would include vacations. We plan on taking our FS to TN in Nov and we wouldnt think of leaving him behind just so we wouldnt have to deal with him.

I have met other foster's in our area and some leave a lot to be desired. I have ONE friend that is a foster mom that I would leave J with if I HAD NO OTHER CHOICE.

Just my humble opinion, don't throw knives.

"The Husband and Foster Daddy aka THE GNOME"

[jbee]

we just need a break...yes, they are part of our family, kind of, but they are 17 and 18 and our bios and adopted are 5,4 and 2. i don't think if they were little i would leave them, but we need some family time with our forever family. our own kids need time with mom and dad alone.
last year we left our fs here and i think he liked it too...we were getting on each other's nerves and that week was what we all needed.
i don't have to worry about getting them up every day, not being allowed to let them on their own, sharing a motel room, sharing a bathroom, being in their stinky boy mess, being squeezed in a van for hours with them, being around them in a small room all day and night, paying to feed two teenagers when we will be eating out most of the week. (yes, it may be cheap of me, but having to pay for a second hotel room and six extra meals for what are basically adults every day makes vacation nearly impossible to do). i spend all year with these boys, very little visits for one and none for the other. the one drives me nuts if i have to be around him for a whole day as it is. i want to take a break.
does that sound nasty and mean? lol

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by jbee

i want to take a break.
does that sound nasty and mean? lol

No, it sounds human and realistic.

Also, just wanted to point out to previous posters that the OP stated that this vacation was planned BEFORE they knew they would be getting an infant placement. Which means the infant couldn't have been there too long and means that it was planned without said infant in mind. Which is why my posts stressed for her to not feel guilty if she does not take her with them. If this was an adoptive placement or one that had been "in the family" for some duration and was attached, my answer might be different. JMO

Kim

[vernellinnj]

Originally Posted by jbee

does that sound nasty and mean? lol

Nope, not at all. Enjoy your vacation!

[athikers]

We recently took a vacation with just Pixie. We planned and pushed to have Teeter moved the day before we left so he would not come along. He is special needs and medically fragile and bringing him on a plane would have been EXTREMELY complicated. And after ten months of being apart from him only 3 days, we needed a break. We love him to pieces and he may come back and be our forever son someday... but even then we will need a break every once in awhile and we will use respite at times. I used to feel guilty leaving my kiddos, after parenting a high-needs medically fragile kid, we all NEED a break to keep our sanity.

[nurse mama]

Well, I guess we are taking her. Parents gave permission, and after that her worker just really wanted us to take her. She is almost 7 months old, and has had a horrible road. Like some other people said in their posts, when we got her she was in a sad shape physically and mentally. She is doing so much better, I am afraid we would lose some of that progress. Her overall long-term placement is really uncertain right now, so i decided to give her some stability for the moment. Also, the only respite we could find really already had her hands full. Thanks for the help!

[blubutterflies03]

and it worked out great! Yes, it was crazy on the way...are we there yet??? haha, but my biological kids did that when they were little too. I would of missed them too much if I put them in respite.

[Withay]

Originally posted by xxsurroundedbyxy

Some people pride themselves on never using respite. Do not feel like you have to be one of them or that you are doing something terribly wrong if you use it.

Just to clarify, I am most definitely NOT a person who "prides" myself on never using respite. I just choose not to use it. For me, and speaking only for myself, putting my fc into respite is not something that is easily done because they are all medically fragile and there are very few foster homes that can handle their special needs.

Please don't think that I am replying out of a sense of anger, quite the opposite, I just wanted to clarify why I don't use respite.

I do agree that for some people it could be a sense of pride, but not for everyone. There are just some of us who are unable to use respite due to the needs of our fc.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by athikers

We recently took a vacation with just Pixie. We planned and pushed to have Teeter moved the day before we left so he would not come along. He is special needs and medically fragile and bringing him on a plane would have been EXTREMELY complicated. And after ten months of being apart from him only 3 days, we needed a break. We love him to pieces and he may come back and be our forever son someday... but even then we will need a break every once in awhile and we will use respite at times. I used to feel guilty leaving my kiddos, after parenting a high-needs medically fragile kid, we all NEED a break to keep our sanity.

I think if people don't live the situation of a medically fragile child, they can't really understand the need for a "break" for parents, foster or bio.

A wonderful family at my school has a very medically fragile child who they love very much. A special center just to provide respite for these families opened in our community, and this child has spent some time there. I am so glad to know the family has this resource.

I am glad to hear you get a break sometimes, athikers. I wish all families with medically fragile children had this resource.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Please don't feel like I was speaking directly about anyone. I just know there are some that do, but wasn't implying anyone in particular. I certainly didn't take your reply as angry but just FYI. I was just wanting to make sure that the OP got the sense that whatever she chose for herself and her family would not be judged by those of us here who know how juggling respite and vacations with fc can be. None of us expect the other to be superwoman (or superman). I agree that there is not enough reliable respite care available. Which is why hubby and I are taking a long break after our last placement and are doing strictly respite and emergency placements til the end of summer at least. The people willing to do any respite in our area always seemed to be the homes that already had 5+ and I felt bad sending one of my kiddos into a home where they may be kid#8 (or in one case kid #10 because I didn't know until I picked him up that they had done respite for 2 other kids that same weekend!!) So I have my own two and then when we do respite the FP can know that theirs will be the only FC in care in our home during that time and will receive some one-on-one and good supervision.

For anyone who has a license but just isn't in a place to take long-term kiddos: please consider doing respite... just a few days a month can really make the difference in another foster parents situation and may save a placement from disruption. The kids need a break from us too! Just ask my 14 yr old and he's bio!! LOL
And for those thinking of getting license but unsure about if they are ready to foster.....do it....and provide respite only at first. It is a wonderful way to get to know the system, some caseworkers, some kiddos, and decide whether you want to do long-term or adopt.

Originally Posted by Withay

Originally posted by xxsurroundedbyxy

Just to clarify, I am most definitely NOT a person who "prides" myself on never using respite. I just choose not to use it. For me, and speaking only for myself, putting my fc into respite is not something that is easily done because they are all medically fragile and there are very few foster homes that can handle their special needs.

Please don't think that I am replying out of a sense of anger, quite the opposite, I just wanted to clarify why I don't use respite.

I do agree that for some people it could be a sense of pride, but not for everyone. There are just some of us who are unable to use respite due to the needs of our fc.

[FosterMamma2008]

Originally Posted by RobinKay

I think if people don't live the situation of a medically fragile child, they can't really understand the need for a "break" for parents, foster or bio.

A wonderful family at my school has a very medically fragile child who they love very much. A special center just to provide respite for these families opened in our community, and this child has spent some time there. I am so glad to know the family has this resource.

I am glad to hear you get a break sometimes, athikers. I wish all families with medically fragile children had this resource.

Ouch...this struck a nerve with me.

My bio daughter IS very special needs AND very medically fragile. She's been on a plane twice. We have never left her behind for ANYTHING. It's important for HER development and for our sanity to be included in all normal family activities. While she can't talk I have SEEN HER express jealousy and so I can only imagine what her little mind would be thinking if we took our FS with us and left her behind.

So I more than understand what it is like to have a special needs/medical child and I personally would not put her in respite, with all her complex needs I would not be able to trust that they would do everything correctly with her and she is too precious to me to take a chance like that with....she is four and we have not left her behind yet.

[karla-k]

that one is hard. I have 3 bio kids, the youngest is 20 months old. if I we were going on a long drive vacation to the beach, it would be tempting to leave an infant with someone they knew. I would probably take him now, but a year ago it would have been nice for all of us to have him stay home.

I guess if the respite person is someone the baby knows and enjoys being with, it wouldn't be bad. I am one of those parents who takes vacations with no children

I agree that sometimes what we enjoy, small children do not enjoy and see as a "vacation."

Good luck deciding.