[momof2redheads]

I am a fosterparent to teens. (Mostly girls) I have noticed over the last few weeks just how many of these kids are adopted. I have been doing a few respites this summer and talked to 4 girls who have told me their story of going into fostercare. I am amzed that all of them are adopted. Has anyone else seen this? Now I don't know all the details and I am not "picking a side" I am curious if anyone else has seen the same thing. I am flaberggasted at the number of these kids that have said to me my first mom didn't want me now this one doesn't want me either. I am sad for these kids. I am not saying they are perfect kids they aren't but they didn't ask to be put into this situation either.

So I guess my question is have you seen more foster kids coming from adoptive homes?

[tylind23]

I got called about 2 teens a while back. 3 sisters, twin 14 year olds and a 15 year old. All three had been adopted and then the adoptive mom decided she wasn't ready to be a mom to 3 kids so she picked the one she wanted (1 of the twins) and gave the other two back. Later on she decided she didn't want to be a mom after all and gave the 3rd one back too.

[msgypsylee]

Originally Posted by tylind23

I got called about 2 teens a while back. 3 sisters, twin 14 year olds and a 15 year old. All three had been adopted and then the adoptive mom decided she wasn't ready to be a mom to 3 kids so she picked the one she wanted (1 of the twins) and gave the other two back. Later on she decided she didn't want to be a mom after all and gave the 3rd one back too.

UGHHH I don't even know what to say to that. Thats just awful.

[ranoutofnames]

Maybe it's a summer thing. I noticed last summer I had several teens temporarily placed in my home that came from adoptive homes that no longer wanted to parent.

In my situation all of them had been relative placements. In these kids situations the relatives had always been moving the kids around from one relative to another. When summer hit everyone was busy doing their own thing and didn't have a plan to manage a teen who wasn't in school and needed something to do while the relative was working or doing whatever else they wanted to do. Some of the kids were brought into custody because they were found wandering the streets in the middle of the night and no responsible person was willing to pick them up from intake.

[BrandyHagz]

Adopted at birth or later?

I grew up in two different boarding schools for girls, the number of adopted vs. biological girls was significant enough for the school to provide on site therapy/group therapy sessions with a licensed therapist.

Of the girls that I recall – most were adopted at birth, several were adopted older, but not from foster care (2 were from Korea and one was from Russia).

I think that stories like this are proof that even as invasive as a homestudy is, there is still a component missing.

Ironically, all of the girls I lived with where there until they were old enough to live on their own.

Now, I guess, in the defense of the parents – they were living in a home which was required to be paid for by the parents…I guess it could have been worse.

[sethsmommy]

I guess I am confused....how, after adoption, can you give them "back?" I know one will feel that way but isn't adoption final?

[TheMomma08]

people can be so cruel.

[momof2redheads]

Adopted at birth or later?

the girls I spoke with were adopted at a very young age. Only one was adopted at birth.

Giving them back?

I always thought that adopting was permanent but I guess it isn't.

I spoke with my case worker today and asked her about this and she told me that over half of her cases are adopted kids. How sad is that!

I have to say I really don't like this at all. I am Foster Only we have never wanted to adopt but I have to tell you I wish I could adopt each of these girls and give them a family that everyone wants! Of course I can't but if I win the lotto I can sure try! lol

[JessicaBaker]

Adoption is as final as giving birth to a child, but either situation can result in a child being put into foster care if the parent chooses to no longer parent.

My cousin's girlfriend chose to surrender her 13 year old daughter to the foster system rather than parent a child that she herself had damaged.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

Originally Posted by sethsmommy

I guess I am confused....how, after adoption, can you give them "back?" I know one will feel that way but isn't adoption final?

Sadly, it is possible for adoptive parents to terminate their parental rights just because they don't feel like parenting the kid(s) anymore. I saw this a few times when I was working on a locked child/adolescent psych. unit. One particuarly sad story is a boy whose adoptive parents admitted him to the hospital at age 6 because of aggression, then left him there for 3 years without ever even visiting. Finally, the state decided to make the family start paying a portion of the medical costs for the kid (all this time they had been recieving disability payments for the kid, who has mild MR), and all of a sudden the parents decided to terminate their rights. The worst part is that the kid's behavior improved immensely while he was in the hospital, so he may very well have been fine with going back home if the family had given him a chance. I honestly wish I could adopt him myself, but his case worker is looking for a two-parent family for him, and I agree that would be the best situation.

[SAHmom]

I am 'one of those' adoptive parents that has our son back in fostercare. Our son, adopted at the age of 12, became violent to the other children - choking, etc - and for safety reasons we obtained an attorney and placed him as a child in need of care. We still obtain our parental rights and he is our son. We had no other choice to do this to protect our other children. The RTCs and Psych wards were always quick to release him.

So it's not always that the adoptive parent didn't 'feel' like parenting anymore...sometimes there are other reasons. Our son told such stories to every fosterhome he was in and to the many RTC therapist...and he went through many the last two years. He was very charming. In the end, the fosterhomes had their eyes opened, but in the beginning, it was that how could 'we' do this.

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

Originally Posted by SAHmom

I am 'one of those' adoptive parents that has our son back in fostercare. Our son, adopted at the age of 12, became violent to the other children - choking, etc - and for safety reasons we obtained an attorney and placed him as a child in need of care. We still obtain our parental rights and he is our son. We had no other choice to do this to protect our other children. The RTCs and Psych wards were always quick to release him.

Thanks for your post. I had wanted to mention something about this, but wasn't sure if I should. Besides the one extreme I mentioned in my last post, I also saw the other extreme at that job -- which was parents (adoptive or bio) who insisted on trying to keep their child at home even when the child clearly was not safe. On girl's mother had to be forbidden from even taking her child on home visits because the girl was so aggressive toward younger children (mom seemed willing to accept aggression against her younger son, but the girl had the cops called on her for attacking other people's kids at the park). In another case, an adoptive family kept bringing their daughter back home even though she had threatened the dad with knives, and while on the psych ward she was always talking about killing her parents. I'm glad neither of these parents chose to terminate their parental rights, but in both cases in-home placement was not appropriate.

So I guess my point is that in some cases out-of-home placement is necessary, but that adoptive parents shouldn't automatically assume they have to disrupt the adoption just because they can't keep the kid at home.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by SAHmom

I am 'one of those' adoptive parents that has our son back in fostercare. Our son, adopted at the age of 12, became violent to the other children - choking, etc - and for safety reasons we obtained an attorney and placed him as a child in need of care. We still obtain our parental rights and he is our son. We had no other choice to do this to protect our other children. The RTCs and Psych wards were always quick to release him.

So it's not always that the adoptive parent didn't 'feel' like parenting anymore...sometimes there are other reasons. Our son told such stories to every fosterhome he was in and to the many RTC therapist...and he went through many the last two years. He was very charming. In the end, the fosterhomes had their eyes opened, but in the beginning, it was that how could 'we' do this.

What a terrible experience for you. I am sure you contiue to love your son. You are trying to make the best choices for him to heal and grow into a capable, fully-functioning adult.

I hope all the effort you putting into a program for him helps him.

[GRGFOR2]

SAHmom...I can totally understand why the child you adopted is now in foster care. You did what you had to do and some have to do this with their bio children.

To me adoption is more final then giving birth. Many women can give birth to a child but many of those giving birth never [i]planned[i] for the arrival of a child. Those that adopt have to have thought about this and done whatever necessary to get the child/children.

Whether a child is adopted or bio...there can be issues where the child is so ill that safety has to be the answer. With many of the children you all are talking about it seems that these "adoptive parents" thought no more about the needs of a child then someone not ready to be a parent having sex without birth control.

To me we are a FOREVER FAMILY and always will be. Luckily my boys' conditions are under control for the most part and I pray that things stay that way.

[mommy2fiveplus]

All of the adopted kids I have seen were the result of relative placement adoptions, this is one reason why I have never fully backed the "family placement at all costs is best" theory that is pushed by the system. There are good relative placements out there, but there are also relative placements that are just as messed up as the original bio families but better at hiding it. Those families are the ones that are not equipted to handle an emotionally damaged and acting out child or neglects the kid and he ends up right back where he/she started with twice the problems and half the potential.

2 cases in point:

1) a foster baby we had for several monthes was taken into care for neglect, (left alone for days) when court TPR'd mom 6 mos later they decided to place with an aunt (mom's sister) unfortunately whe choose to allow her sister (bmom) to provide daycare. Bmom now babysitter left baby unattended for 8 hours while adoptive mom was at work, neighbors reported insessant crying and police walked into 15 mos old with no supervision (bmom was 2 miles away at the bar) and soiled and crying trying to open a jar of peanut butter. Currently the baby is in a foster home and I hear that adoptive mom is "working her case plan", baby is 28 mos.

2) Baby was born drug addicted but mom had entered a rehab 1 week before delivery so baby went home with bmom to rehab after withdrawl. Rehab officials reported violence against baby by mom at 2 mos old, baby taken into care and placed with foster-adopt family (very good friends of ours) with concurrent permancey goals. Baby stayed with foster parents until age 2 when TPR occurred and relative stepped forward to adopt. Cute 2 year old with bonding difficulties (but bonded with foster parents) placed with relatives with a 2 mos. transition plan. Baby is now a kindergartner and was recently returned to foster care because relative adoptive parents had NO TRAINING on bonding issues or likely behavioral issues involved with drug exposure. That cute 2 year old is now a 5 year terror and on his way to residential because he is exhibiting violent behavior towards the current FP kids, He says "that is how you teach somebody a lesson" if that tells you anything about the last 3 years of his life.

I am not saying that all relative placements are poor choices ( I am a relative who adopted a family member) I am just saying that sometimes there isn't just one rotten apple on the family tree and other times the best apples in the bunch are ill-equipted to deal with massive hurdles in a raising an abused/neglected child.