[SHAMROX]

A week ago my 4 and 1/2 year old son told me his birth mom put a "cooking thing" up his butt once when he got in trouble. I had to coax him that it was ok to tell me whatever was bothering him; I certainly didn't expect to hear what he said. He also said she told him she was sorry and that if he told anyone, they would both be in really big trouble. This, coming from the person who in the visits would tell my son that I don't love him, I'm not his mother and he does not love me. Shouldn't surprise me right? It did. Then this weekend he woke up in the middle of the night crying and ended up telling me that she also used her fingers! I can't take this, what the heck?

I know she was abused as a child; is it common for a woman to sexually abuse her own son? Either way, I'm waiting to hear if the police dept is going to do anything. I don't want hm to go through an interview at the sexual assault clinic, but at the same time, anything to learn more about the truth seems good.

Has anyone experienced this? What normally happens in this kind of case? He's been back home with me for over a year now.

[AmyAnne]

As a foster parent you are a mandated reporter. Your are obligated to tell this to his social worker. I would tell her even if his adoption is final.

I have no experience but I do offer you my support and my prayers for healing for your son.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Shamrox~
I am so sorry you are having to live the nightmare. I am even MORE sorry that your son had to live his own nightmare....and continues to re-live it. He needs to see a therapist to talk to about this.

You must report it. I would suggest you call the hotline directly rather than have the CW do it. That is what I had to do with my FS. I told CW and therapist, but since I was the one who the child opened up and told the story to, they all recommended that I call. We did get a call from the local dept of Crimes Against Children and he went to the police dept to give his "statement". I requested a female (as his perp was male) and I requested it be a plain clothed person (as he was afraid of law enforcement due to the drug environment he was raised in).

Unfortunately, it is NOT rare for a female to abuse her son. Some of the most bizarre abuse stories I have heard were this way. And in this case, as in most, since she was abused herself that may be the way she was "taught" to discipline. Her abuse history does not make her any less accountable for abusing others.

You need to report so that you can live with yourself and he needs to talk to someone who can make him believe that nothing he did warranted that type of discipline and that he did nothing to cause this and that it was wrong and mothers are NOT supposed to behave that way.

Good Luck and I hope your son's allegations are found to be substantiated so that something can be done as was in our case.

Kim

[TxMom65]

I haven't been through it with my kids, but I have at school. Sometimes there has been medical exams, others not.

I will be praying for you and your son.

[Biblemom]

I am currently going through something similar. The interview was with a social worker from our agency. A detective and my social worker were behind a two way mirrior. Often children don't disclose because they are not comfortable. In our case RAD worked in our favor and they were able to tell them somethings. We also went through a physical exam. They only look on the outside so was not as difficult as I feared. Only in 5% of cases does anything show especially after the 3 week point, but it did help to prove it had not been happening in our home.
Please find him a good therapist if you haven't already. Our's suggested we get the fc a notebook for them to write/draw their thoughts and feelings. That has really helped.
I will be praying for your child.

[ranoutofnames]

So the events he is telling you would have happened when he was around 3yrs old? Supposedly at least a year ago is when it happened?

There is a chance no one will do anything. At this point it's unlikely there is any evidence and even if there was they couldn't determine when it happened. In addition, children can be very unreliable in their memory of events.

I'm not saying he's not telling the truth, just that he's very young and memories get distorted.

[Mama Julie]

I agree with the posters, you should report it, and call a psychotherapist. He thinks about it and it does affect him (because he told you, and then had a nightmare about it). My son started psychotherapy a few weeks ago and although he hasn't talked about the abuse yet, the therapist said that my son is the boss and can talk about it whenever he is ready to... my son thinks that's pretty cool that he is the boss when he is in session. So far I'm happy with the psychotherapy. We did lose our foster child though (my adopted son was the victim, who was abused by a neighbor boy. When we reported the disclosure to CPS, they pulled our foster child and told us to get therapy.) You're in a different situation; of course they won't pull your foster child if you report this, because he is just telling you about past abuse that he has experienced. He's feeling comfortable in your home to be able to finally express his deepest confusions & fears. Make sure any future visits with biomom are supervised at ALL times. Good luck with working through this.
Julie

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by ranoutofnames

So the events he is telling you would have happened when he was around 3yrs old? Supposedly at least a year ago is when it happened?

There is a chance no one will do anything. At this point it's unlikely there is any evidence and even if there was they couldn't determine when it happened. In addition, children can be very unreliable in their memory of events.

I'm not saying he's not telling the truth, just that he's very young and memories get distorted.

Now, in our situation, FS was five when he was placed with us but the abuse had happened at age 4. He gave a statement and when biomom and her boyfriend refused to cooperate with the investigation, it was filed as substantiated and charges were filed against boyfriend. OP will probably not get that lucky as biomom will probably deny any wrongdoing and without evidence it will be his word against hers ......BUT.... OP will feel better knowing she reported it and it will be a papertrail to help support the justification for therapy. Plus, you never know, mom may break and confess and they could get her the help she obviously needs. Slim chance....but we can always pray!!!

Kim

[Tudu]

The parents of my children were arrested more than 3 yrs after the last incident. I was so nervous for months and am still struggling some days to calm my stomach down. We took them for a forensic interview and they were able to use the information of a previous physical exam. Their other abusers were reported many times and nothing was done until this report was made. It has been almost 5 yrs since they abused the kids. I really didn't think anything would ever happen, I am so glad we pursued it b/c they are looking at a Life sentence.

We encouraged our children "to tell the truth, be honest". Never tell them to tell the story about when mom abused them. Sounds silly but you do not want to be accused of tainting the evidence. We were careful not to talk too much about it and only when they brought it up. Do not ask specific questions like, "Where did your mother put the spoon?" but more like, "What do you remember?" or "Is there anything else you want to tell me?". Write it down, every time he talks to you and what was said. Have him tell his therapist with you present. We noticed when multiple people reported an incident, it was responded to with more force.

We are in the middle of a nasty case right now so if you need support, feel free to PM me. I know it is hard to put on a brave face when you want to cry.

[GRGFOR2]

How sad. Please do the right thing and report this to the authorities. Children may recall things that happen when they are very young but until they have the words to put to the events they do not say anything.

Even our small town has a special group of people that know how to talk to young children about possible sexual abuse. Words should not be given to a child but a child should be allowed to talk in his/her own words with trust and understanding from the adult they are talking to.

Prayers for this little guy and hope that a good therapist can help him overcome what was done to him.

[SHAMROX]

I have to apologize - I did call it in, twice actually. I called it in after he told me initially, then I called in and they put an addendum to it with the information he gave me the 2nd time.

I try not to ask any questions and just let him bring it up, which seems to only be at night when he's scared. I try not to ask questions that "give" him the answer but honestly I'm not very good at this; I certainly wasn't prepared to deal with this situation.

I have been telling him that its important to always tell the truth; hopefully that will help.

I appreciate all the replies! I got a message today from the police department so tomorrow I will call the officer back. I'm interested to see what she'll say.

I am sure there won't be physical evidence and I KNOW the mom will deny it - but she has surprised me before. I don't anticipate anything coming from this unless she confesses. I had no idea it was so common for females to do this type of thing. Its horrible no matter who does it of course.