[ATXMOM]

One of my friends was fostering a new born infant girl for three months. She loved the baby and the baby even looked like her. They thought for sure they would be able to adopt, because the only person with out a criminal background is the 70 year old grandma. The courts ended up giving the grandma custody! This is not a wonam who has taken great care of herself. She is 70, but looks like she is 80! She can't drive, so how can she take the baby to all the doctor appointments? The baby is on several medications, but the grandma can't see well enough to figure out what medication she is giving the baby. She will have to live to be 90 to raise the child to 20! How is she going to hear the baby cry at night? How is she going to carry her when the baby gets a little older and heavier? She has to sit down and have someone hand the child to her in order for her to hold the baby as it is. What sense does that make? Seriously... Can anyone make sense out of that decision??

[Boulderbabe]

Yes, family members generally have priority over strangers, especially in the beginning of a case. This will not be the first baby in the world to be raised by a grandparent.

The question of whether the grandmother is physically fit enough to raise a child is an important question. But there is something in your post that really worries me----the claim that "she loved the baby and the baby even looked like her." I think it's really, really important for all of us foster parents to realize that we are FOSTERING FIRST. If we can't go into this with the knowledge that we are fostering kids in the hopes they'll be reunified with family, and that we'll only adopt if the child has no family capable of taking him or her, then we shouldn't be doing this. None of us is entitled to somebody else's baby, even if they "look like" us.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by Boulderbabe

Yes, family members generally have priority over strangers, especially in the beginning of a case. This will not be the first baby in the world to be raised by a grandparent.

The question of whether the grandmother is physically fit enough to raise a child is an important question. But there is something in your post that really worries me----the claim that "she loved the baby and the baby even looked like her." I think it's really, really important for all of us foster parents to realize that we are FOSTERING FIRST. If we can't go into this with the knowledge that we are fostering kids in the hopes they'll be reunified with family, and that we'll only adopt if the child has no family capable of taking him or her, then we shouldn't be doing this. None of us is entitled to somebody else's baby, even if they "look like" us.

Thanks for this post, Boulderbabe. I agree.

If grandma cannot cope, it is her responsibility to hire whatever help she needs for her grandchild.

[mom2behappy]

Sad for this child if grandma is unable to care for the child, if grandma's health isn't good and she can't even pick this child up without someone handing her the baby then the baby will be the one to suffer. if no other family member was found fit to care for the child who will assist grandma? if grandma @ 70 was in good health i would think that this wouldbe the right placement for the child because she is grandma and because she came forward in the beginning of the process to take in her grandchild.but if what you say about her health is true then I have to wonder how she will care for this child.

[Scrapsathome]

Maybe they are just giving grandma an opportunity to prove whether she's physically capable or not so that they can avoid claims of ageism later?

Jess

[GRGFOR2]

I have been around a couple years now but read rather then post but I felt the need to respond to this post.

ATXMOM...have you met this grandmother that has now gotten custody of the baby or are you getting this information from what sounds to be an emotional foster parent that had gotten her hopes up to adopt the baby?

I seriously doubt that the state would turn an infant with needs over to a grandparent that was totally incapable of caring for herself let alone caring for a baby. Grandma must really love this baby to take on her care at her age but it can be done.

Often emotions in these situations obscure the actual picture and if we are not there we may hear what others want us to hear. In this situation the foster mother is not in the home of the grandmother and really has no idea if the grandmother can handle it...the fm just knows her own heart has been torn out.

[KelleyF]

Originally Posted by GRGFOR2

Grandma must really love this baby to take on her care at her age but it can be done.

If Grandma really loved this baby, she would realize that is unfair for a baby to be raised by a 70 yr. old. Very selfish on the Grandma's part.

Unfortunatley, it happens all the time. The same thing happened to a friend of mine. The 71 yr. old great-grandmother was given custody of her 2 yr. old fs. No one else in the family was deemed fit to get custody. Of course, the gradmother was the one who raised her 6 kids, all of which had criminal records and were unable to get custody. That fact alone, coupled with her age, should have been enough for her to be denied custody...but no, not in the eyes of the court. I guess they wanted to give her one more baby to screw up. Two months later the great-grandmother had a stroke and her fs was returned to her.

[GRGFOR2]

"the gradmother was the one who raised her 6 kids, all of which had criminal records"

We all raise children but whether they become criminals is not up to us....it is their decision as adults. If there are mental health genetics involved those will not be changed by getting the children out of the bio family.

Myself...I have adopted two boys that both have mental health issues. Research into the family background has shown me that the maternal biological family of the boys had severe mental health issues. This is not something I can change but what I can do is get them the best care possible.

I have also met a grandmother of 76 that had been raising her teen grandchildren all of their lives...all 5 children. The only child that is not excelling in all they do is one that is 21 yrs old with the mind of a 6 month old due to birth injury. Grandma changes her diapers, bathes her and takes pride in her grandchildren.

[crick]

I think as with anything, it depends on the person. Age does not automatically determine ability in my opinion. I have 3 aunts that are in their 70's and are extremely healthy, fit, active and still have every ounce of their wits about them. They are in better physical shape than I am in fact! lol!

It just all really depends on the individual and if a person is really not capable of raising a child, no matter how old, then it should be taken into consideration.

[KelleyF]

Originally Posted by GRGFOR2

We all raise children but whether they become criminals is not up to us....it is their decision as adults. If there are mental health genetics involved those will not be changed by getting the children out of the bio family..

All 6 children in trouble with the law?(among other things, that I didn't mention) There are some serious flaws in parenting here. And let's say it is all due to genetics....nothing she did helped any one of her other kids, so why would she be given the opportunity to fail this child as well, especially at her advanced age.

.[/quote]
Myself...I have adopted two boys that both have mental health issues. Research into the family background has shown me that the maternal biological family of the boys had severe mental health issues. This is not something I can change but what I can do is get them the best care possible..[/quote]
You're absolutely right. Give them the best care possible and hope it is enough to get them through. Unfortunatley this wasn't the case with this family.

.[/quote]
I have also met a grandmother of 76 that had been raising her teen grandchildren all of their lives...all 5 children. The only child that is not excelling in all they do is one that is 21 yrs old with the mind of a 6 month old due to birth injury. Grandma changes her diapers, bathes her and takes pride in her grandchildren.[/quote]

That is wonderful, but I'm sure not the norm for a 76 yr. old. Also, if her grandson is 21, then she was 55 when he was born. That's a lot different than being 70 and having a newborn.

[NotAMomYet]

Isn’t it wonderful that a 70-year-old woman wants to keep her family in her family? For a child to grow up knowing that they were loved by their grandma must be a wonderful thing. Surly, none of us have a real window into the life of this woman. Maybe she has friends or community members who’ve stepped up to help; maybe she’s sourced local organization to help with transportation, shopping, and bathing the child; maybe she’s more capable than anyone is being led to believe.

There is a woman down the road from me who just celebrated her 85th birthday. She is raising three grandchildren ages 11-16 and has had them from the time each was born. She seems so very, very frail and relies on the community to help (not as much now that the oldest kid drives and they are all old enough to pitch in).

YES, the child in question may end up in a home down the line – maybe grandma will only live another five or ten years, who knows, but at least the first years of the child’s life will be filled with family history, culture, and connections. If there is a real concern, your friend needs to speak with a social worker. But no one has the “right” to another person’s child – regardless of who looks like whom. I hope that the child is safe and happy – and that the grandma is given the respect that she deserves for the enormous task she has stepped up to accept.

[KelleyF]

Originally Posted by NotAMomYet

Isn’t it wonderful that a 70-year-old woman wants to keep her family in her family? For a child to grow up knowing that they were loved by their grandma must be a wonderful thing. Surly, none of us have a real window into the life of this woman. Maybe she has friends or community members who’ve stepped up to help; maybe she’s sourced local organization to help with transportation, shopping, and bathing the child; .

Wow, that's a pretty patronizing post and somewhat insulting to the origional poster. Not to mention the fact that you're practically saying she's lying. I'm pretty sure the fm has a pretty good window on what this situation is like. My first 2 fs's were in a very similar situation. Their grandmother, who was 70 was trying to adopt them. She too was in pretty decent health but did need help with the boys to raise them appropriately. Her plan was to get help from other family members as well as members of her community. She had list of people who volunteered their time to help her out, like take the boys on weekends to give her a break, pick them up from daycare, ect. I was at court when the judge heard the case and his exact words were "children are not animals, they cannot be farmed out to many different people. They need the structure of one secure home with one (or two, if married) main primary caretaker. If the grandmother is not capable of taking care of them without outside help, then it is certainly not in the best interest of the children to be raised as "shared property". He also looked the grandmother and told her "if you really love your grandchildren, you would want them to have a mommy and a daddy that will be there for them for a very long time."


.[/quote]
There is a woman down the road from me who just celebrated her 85th birthday. She is raising three grandchildren ages 11-16 and has had them from the time each was born. She seems so very, very frail and relies on the community to help (not as much now that the oldest kid drives and they are all old enough to pitch in)..[/quote]

That is very sad. That woman is only looking at her best interest, not her grandchildren's. Those poor kids will have to grow up way too fast to take care of not only themselves, but thier grandmother as well.

[/quote]

[GRGFOR2]

NotaMom Yet...you sound as though you will be an awesome Mom when the time comes for you....and it will. God has special plans for you.

What I was trying to point out in this post was this is all heresay. Unless ATXMOM has met this grandmother and knows from being in her home and aware of all the family circumstances she is just repeating what an upset and heartbroken friend has told her.

[GRGFOR2]

"Those poor kids will have to grow up way too fast to take care of not only themselves, but thier grandmother as well."

One thing those children are learning is COMPASSION.. it is something that all children should learn. The 3 children this 70 yr old grandmother has have learned that not only are they loved but to care about others. They will most likely be Doctors and Nurses with all kinds of compassion for their patients.

Did some reading today on the subject and found that over 7 MILLION children in the United States are being raised by grandparents. WOW !! That far outnumbers the children in foster care and saves the states ALOT of money because according to my research relative caregivers do not get much over $150. per month to provide for these children. They do it out of love for the children that are family even if the family is not always the best.

[FullQuiverMamma]

At first glance it seems to me that everyone should rally around grandma and support her efforts. I mean, come on, what if that were your grandchild?? The saying: "blood is thicker than water" may apply in this case. I agree with previous posters; fostering is about reunification - not adoption. I especially am keeping this in mind as even an adoptive parent whose adoption is not yet finalized... It is their baby until it is mine. Even so, God gives us the honor of raising children - we don't own or deserve such a treasure.