[GRGFOR2]

Originally Posted by BethanyB

I believe there are grandmothers who can raise grandchildren at that age and grandmothers who cant. But foster parents are there to love and raise children until they can be reunified with their bio families. That is our job. Its not our job to judge whether the family member can properly take care of the baby. That is the judges job and I have a feeling that some of the facts we have been given here have been stretched a bit. Not by the OP but by her friend. The judges job is to take everything into consideration and Im sure he did. Its normal to feel anger and sadness when losing a foster child that you hoped to adopt but the child deserves to be with its family if at all possible. And the judge thought it was possible.

And that is all I was trying to say in my first post. We often hear things secondhand and we want to believe them because it may be a friend telling us through her heart that is broken. We must always take into consideration that when someone is hurting and angry about something that has happened they may put in facts that they feel but that are not always true. JMHO

[tinatyme]

Originally Posted by BethanyB

But foster parents are there to love and raise children until they can be reunified with their bio families. That is our job. Its not our job to judge whether the family member can properly take care of the baby. That is the judges job and I have a feeling that some of the facts we have been given here have been stretched a bit. Not by the OP but by her friend. The judges job is to take everything into consideration and Im sure he did. Its normal to feel anger and sadness when losing a foster child that you hoped to adopt but the child deserves to be with its family if at all possible. And the judge thought it was possible.

Uh huh . . . and none of us have seen judges make bad decisions or send children back into horrible family situations. And as the foster parent I'm just supposed to smile and say "Well, that's the judges job so I guess it is okay".

Yes, we are foster parents and yes it is drilled into our head that the children are not ours and yes we are supposed to whole heartedly, without complaint, and (apparently opinion) support reunification but I do have feelings and a mind and I can evaluate whether a biofamily member has the resources and skills to raise the child that I have been raising. I am disappointed by the many comments on this thread that suggest that the foster mother is so overcome with emotion that she is not speaking rationally or can't see the picture clearly. In her situation I would definitely be sad, and disillusioned but it wouldn't affect my ability to think or reason.

I don't know about the judges in other states but the ones in my county don't always make the best decisions and the children are the ones that suffer.

I don't know whether this 70 year old grandmother has the resources to raise this child but for me the disappointment in reading this thread has been the quickness with which many posters invalidated the foster parent's comments to her friend in favor of the biofamily.

[KelleyF]

Originally Posted by mom2behappy

scroll up withay didn't write the post about clapping and cheering Robinkay did...

My apologies...

[Withay]

My post about being respectful was not aimed at any one person. The thread, as a whole has taken on more of a disrespectful tone.

Apologies accepted KelleyF.

[~*Max*~]

Originally Posted by Lumpkin

A childhood friend of mine was raised by a woman old enough to be his grandmother. His childhood was spent being teased about the elderly lady that he called mom. He didn't have as active of a life as other kids because his mom wasn't able to get out and play with him like other moms. He spent his teenage years taking care of himself and his mom, and eventually getting into lots of trouble since his mom couldn't adequately discipline (or even look after) such a kid at her age. His kids will never know a grandma because she died before he got through community college (couldn't afford better on his mother's SSI checks).

Sure there are great things about more mature people raising children - better financial stability, more time to spend with kids due to their careers being stable, etc. BUT if I had a choice between allowing a child to be adopted by a perfectly suited family of a younger age, I'd tend to choose that over an elderly person who most likely won't live to fully raise the child.

I don't think there is always a clearcut answer to what is best for a child, but I do think that we need to think we need to look past emotions and think about the possible impact such decisions have on a child's longterm development.

I didn't realize that what some might perceive as being the best interest of the child was necessarily the goal of permancy planning for him/her. I thought that first, the parents were given every opportunity, then other suitable and interested family members were given an opportunity to parent the child, and THEN others. Isn't this exactly what we all signed up for? Does it matter if we think we can do a better job than a family member?

Choosing permancy plans based on who can give the child a better life is a slippery, slippery slope, and one that I hope we never go down.

[KelleyF]

Originally Posted by Lumpkin

I don't think there is always a clearcut answer to what is best for a child, but I do think that we need to think we need to look past emotions and think about the possible impact such decisions have on a child's longterm development.

Very well said
I have participated in some posts, but this is one of the few that I have felt very passionate about, only because I have seen it first hand several times in my life, and the outcome has always negitively affected the child. I too had a high school friend with elderly parents. They were too old to be able to wait up for her to come home at night, so many times she didn't, knowing she wouldn't get caught. She was so wild, making very poor choices because there was vertually no discipline from her parents. They just couldn't keep up with her, so they stopped trying. She has so many regrets as an adult (including 2 abortions) due to the fact that she practically had to raise herself. She loved her parents dearly, don't get me wrong. But love isn't always enough in some cases. Unfortunately, her parents didn't live to see her marry or see their grandchildren. It also really bothers her that her kids never got the chance to have a relationship with their grandparents.

[~*Max*~]

Originally Posted by KelleyF

Very well said
I have participated in some posts, but this is one of the few that I have felt very passionate about, only because I have seen it first hand several times in my life, and the outcome has always negitively affected the child. I too had a high school friend with elderly parents. They were too old to be able to wait up for her to come home at night, so many times she didn't, knowing she wouldn't get caught. She was so wild, making very poor choices because there was vertually no discipline from her parents. They just couldn't keep up with her, so they stopped trying. She has so many regrets as an adult (including 2 abortions) due to the fact that she practically had to raise herself. She loved her parents dearly, don't get me wrong. But love isn't always enough in some cases. Unfortunately, her parents didn't live to see her marry or see their grandchildren. It also really bothers her that her kids never got the chance to have a relationship with their grandparents.

I think that's just called "poor parenting", something parents of any age are very capable of providing.

[KelleyF]

Originally Posted by ~*Max*~

I think that's just called "poor parenting", something parents of any age are very capable of providing.

It's also called biting off more than you can chew.

[BethanyB]

Yes, we are foster parents and yes it is drilled into our head that the children are not ours and yes we are supposed to whole heartedly, without complaint, and (apparently opinion) support reunification but I do have feelings and a mind and I can evaluate whether a biofamily member has the resources and skills to raise the child that I have been raising.

First of all, I dont remember saying that you could not have an opinion here in this conversation. But your opinion is no better than anyone else in this thread.

We do have to support reunification and we dont have the power to evaluate whether a bio family member is suitable to raise a child or not. Especially since we are not the ones interviewing the bio family. We are not the ones going into their homes to inspect. We are not the ones who are in the position of power to say who is acceptable in our minds or not. Dont you think that would be inappropriate? You think the foster family should be able to make the decision about where the child goes, when the foster family loves that child and wants to adopt that child? You dont think that would be a biased decision? All we know is what we hear from others. That includes the SWs and the foster parents themselves.

How does the foster parent or the OP know that the grandmother cant read the prescription label? Do they live with her? I know how hard it can to be to think youre going to lose a child to their bio family but we know this going in. WE know we have no decision on when or who the child will go to.

I can understand grief and sadness about losing a foster child, but I cant understand judging a woman who no one here even knows because she wants to raise the grandchild she loves. The grandmother has been called selfish and incapable, she was even referred to as a bad mother because her grown children have problems. ANd none of us even know her. I do have a problem with that and that is my opinion.

[MamaS]

Tinatyme: There is a STRONG bias in this group toward blood relatives over "unrelated strangers". There are many good people here and they have a lot of excellent information and good advice, but you do need to be aware that "blood is better than anything" and "open adoption is the best option".
To the person who said "a judge wouldn't give a baby to a person who wasn't able to take care of it.."
My daughter's friend gave birth to a child while in prison (where she will be for three more years and so will the biofather). Her parents could not take the baby, because they are raising her sister's child (sister already in prison too). His sisters have children of their own (3 each) and could not take the baby. His mother was given the baby. She is 60, weighs about 400 pounds, walks with 2 canes, cannot drive - in fact, cannot even get up and down the steps of her trailer without help. But she was a "blood relative". The baby's father is very afraid - if there were a fire, she could not get out or get the baby out and if she fell it could be a day or two before someone came by -- but his request that the baby be placed in a foster home was ignored.
The grandmother is living on disability and will now get SS for the baby but she didn't do it for the money. She truly loves her grandson - and she should NOT (IMHO) be raising him.

[tinatyme]

Originally Posted by BethanyB

First of all, I dont remember saying that you could not have an opinion here in this conversation. But your opinion is no better than anyone else in this thread.

Truly I don't want to get into a you said/I said conversation as I wasn't directing my comment to you but to the whole thread. I could have sworn that this is a foster parent support board and the way this foster parent and the OP were being discussed was quite negative. You are right, we don't have the "power" to make the placement decisions but that doesn't mean that we as foster parents aren't living in the same town, seeing the bfamily, acquainted with mutual friends/family, etc. and have much more knowledge than the sw or the judge does. . . or maybe not more knowledge but different information.

Either way, I don't know the particulars of this case or whether the grandmother is truly capable but I was commenting on the lack of support for the OP (and the fp friend that she was talking about) that some posters have displayed and I have seen this happen in other threads as well. In juxtaposition I just read a wonderful thread where the OP asked about adopting at an older age and the support that was given almost brought tears to my eyes. Just because you have a negative opinion about something doesn't mean you should necessarily share it especially if it is not going to advance the conversation.

[KelleyF]

Originally Posted by BethanyB

The grandmother has been called selfish and incapable, she was even referred to as a bad mother because her grown children have problems. ANd none of us even know her. I do have a problem with that and that is my opinion.

Actually, no. The 70 yr. old that has all of her children in trouble is the one that I do know personally. She lives nearby. I think you got your old people mixed up. ;o)

[tinatyme]

Originally Posted by MamaS

Tinatyme: There is a STRONG bias in this group toward blood relatives over "unrelated strangers". There are many good people here and they have a lot of excellent information and good advice, but you do need to be aware that "blood is better than anything" and "open adoption is the best option".

Hmmm . . . yes, I'm seeing that and it is quite interesting to me as this is a foster parent support board and one of the only places that we can come to share these feelings as unpc as they may be. I, in fact, do and have supported reunification with birth parents or placement with biofamily when it makes sense and isn't harmful to the child but that doesn't mean I put the blinders on and leave all in the hands of the sw and the judge. They aren't infallible and these children are in our care to be protected. If I feel like a bad decision is being made I'm gonna stand up and shout about it. Now, it may not make much of a difference in terms of the legal situation but I can feel in my heart that I did everything I needed to in order to protect that child. I may not have all the information about the bfamily but I see them every week and I talk to the cw and I go to the hearings and I have a clearer picture than just gossip and stories.

I guess I'm just surprised that some people are comfortable saying as long as they are blood related other things like the safety and well being of the child doesn't matter or I'll just let the judge take care of it and cry at home privately without sharing my feelings because it might go against what I was taught in my foster parent classes or somebody might get offended on this . . . foster parent board.

[KelleyF]

Originally Posted by MamaS

Tinatyme: There is a STRONG bias in this group toward blood relatives over "unrelated strangers". There are many good people here and they have a lot of excellent information and good advice, but you do need to be aware that "blood is better than anything" and "open adoption is the best option".
.

Now that's probably the most ignorant statement I've read on this board.
Yes, I second everything that tinatyme said.
Maybe you should look around and see where you are...FOSTER PARENT SUPPORT.

[BrandyHagz]

It’s clear this thread can’t continue without the disrespect and rudeness, not only to the posters of this thread but to the entire adoption.com community as a whole.

Participation here is voluntary, but following the rules is required to continue to have the privilege.

The thread and topic is closed. The name calling and rudeness will stop here.