[munketoes]

This is being cross posted at the suggestion of a few in the adoption forum. It seems I have it all wrong and I don't know what to do. I definately have a lot to learn. I need all the help I can get! Anyway, here is the original post.

We have a 5 y/o little boy, was in foster care, whose finalization is scheduled for July 17th. He is generally a good kid, just normal 5 y/o behavior. However, when he's punished, it doesn't matter to him. We have tried time out, push-ups, taking toys. Nothing works long term. It works for a day or two and then it doesn't bother him anymore. Any ideas?

[aedems]

The biggest thing that works for me is positive reinforcement. Additionally, refocusing works well. Not all behaviors need to be punished, which sometimes is easy to forget. If it seems to be a habit, try refocusing him on another activity by catching it early. If you give some examples of specific behaviors that you are having trouble with, we might be able to help a little more. Though kids will be kids

[munketoes]

thanks for your advice... the biggest issue is disrespect and talking back. the previous foster family that had him had a child that had to be sent to residential treatment and T says they would yell alot. He doesn't yell, but i sense it was learned behaviors from there. Although I don't know that for sure.

[aedems]

Have you tried to ignore the talking back and just not speak to him when he does? I know it can be hard, but they generally do it just to try to get a rise out of you. If they don't receive any attention back (positive or negative), it will generally slowly go away.

[munketoes]

no, i haven't tried that yet, he has began to recognize it and correct it himself, without being told (first time tonight) when his tone was disrespectful. I just have been letting him know that it isn't acceptable and he won't get what he wants with it. I don't want him to think that my silence is acceptance, though. However, it's worth a shot.

[munketoes]

i should also say we also make him apologize for the behavior

[Navy_RP_Wife]

What has worked well for us is over correction. If B gets caught running in the house, then we assume he doesn't know how to walk, therefore he needs to practice. However far he ran is how far he walks, we start at 5 laps and add 5 for each additional time. We have done this for jumping on the bed (jumping up and down on the floor). For disrespectful tones, prehaps repeating himself in the right tone or something like that...

[greenrobin]

Our nearly 5 has the same problem. I find myself asking things like, "Did you mean to say yes, ma'am?" or "Hold up! Whatever happened to please?" He takes the playful tone well and will usually correct himself. For direct disrespect, I take a firm tone and tell him, "You will not speak to me like that. I expect you to ______. Is that understood?" And that usually gets a yes, ma'am response.

He also likes choices, as in, "You may do (hold up a finger and name a choice) or you may choose (hold up second finger and offer second choice). Which do you choose?" I've made the choices, but he feels like it's his idea, so he goes with it and I high 5 him for good thinking. In fact, I high 5 him alot, whenever he does anything well or at least better than before.

Try reading The Connected Child by Karen Purvis. She's great and gives lots of suggestions. Including those I just made. And they're working.

[munketoes]

I will definately try those things suggested above... and I will find the book and start reading it today. We have been waiting for 2 years for this placement and I guess I'm just scared that I won't get it right!

[greenrobin]

Relax. No one gets it completely right!

One other thing, you mentioned that he doesn't care when he's punished. Of course not. That's what he expects and he needs to save face. He's protecting himself emotionally. He does care. But he cares more that you love and like him. And he needs to love and like himself.

Good luck. As time goes by and trust grows, some things get easier.

[Boulderbabe]

My son also gets a little mouthy. (Heh, wonder where he learned that from?!?)

Anyway, one thing that works for me is just pretending that I literally don't understand him when he talks that way. I say "huh?" "what?" "Could you repeat that?" and so on over and over until he says whatever it is respectfully. Then I say, "Ohhhh...so THAT is what you wanted!" and I'm all friendly and I go get him what he wants. I end up reinforcing positive behavior without giving attention for negative behavior.

BTW: be careful about giving out pushups as discipline. That is banned as corporal punishment in our system----make sure it isn't considered abusive by yours.