[michsm]

Some of you may remember my post from about a week ago. I was trying to decide if I should keep my fd in my home or disrupt the placement. Well I decided to take her back in and I guess I made a big mistake.

She was fine behaviorally the first few days. Then she was back to her old self. I could not wait for her to go on her visit today so I could get a break. She just left a little while ago and I told the parent aid she hadn't taken a shower in three days (she has absolutely refused).

So her bmom calls and leaves a message that she was giving her a bath (she is 9, she can take one herself) and that she noticed that she had a bruise on her but and her right side.

I am now done I can now recognize I should not have let her come back. I am so upset.

I would have never known in a million years that she had a bruise in these places because I don't look at her naked. She could have gotten them anywhere at anytime and how am I supposed to know they are there?

I want to call the on call and tell them I don't want her back from her visit. I should have listened to all the advice the first time. What do I do now?

[Withay]

I would call your certifier first thing in the morning and explain what is going on and ask that she be moved. You may have to wait a few days to two weeks for this to happen.

[michsm]

I called the on call worker and told her I could not take her back. That was the hardest call I have ever made. Then I called her CASA worker to let her know I was disrupting placement and she said they have been waiting for that (me to disrupt).

Even though I know I made the right decision this time. I can't stop crying. She now has to be moved to home number 9 because I couldn't handle her anymore.

I know I am not the only one that has been through this. How did you all handle it? I feel horrible and relieved at the same time.

I also now have to explain to my former fs and fd (they stay w/ me on the weekends while mom works) why I am so upset and that she is not coming back tonight. How do you explain this to kids?

[stevenstwin]

First, you have my sympathy on being put in such a tough decision. Don't be too hard on yourself - there's obviously a reason she's been through so many placements! Poor girl..hopefully they recognize she needs some intensive intervention. As for explaining to the others - be honest, but keep it really simple ....something to the effect of "she needed to go live with parents who can help her more". (which hopefully will be true, if the SW's are on it and can find a therapeutic placement!).

[michsm]

ok now I feel even worse than I did earlier. I just got a call from her parent aid and they did find someplace for her to stay tonight.

They are having her spend the night with her bmom!

They just started unsupervised. She doesn't even have overnights approved through the court. Doesn't the judge have to approve that?

I know since she is not coming back she is not my responsibility anymore but come on, I disrupt the placement and they have her stay overnight at her moms instead of finding her another foster home. That is the most rediculous thing I have ever heard. She has had serious behavioral and self harming coming out after her unsupervised visits.

I don't know what I was expecting but I know I am going to be even more worried about her now than I was before. I just don't know what to say. I'm in shock that they could do this instead of doing their jobs. They didn't even call the parent aid to inform them just called bmom and told her she could keep her for the night and to let the parent aid know.

What a system we have.

[reapingjoy]

I am feeling the same way. We made the decision several weeks ago to disrupt our adoption of M. Our private agency said we only had to give CSB a 2 week timeframe, but we said we would try to wait until they find a new adoptive family. They were taking their sweet time about even discussing a new family for her so my dh finally called last week & told them they need to move her by July 30th. Sometimes, I am not sure I can make it that long and I would love to call and tell them to come pick her up asap. When we first made the decision, I cried a lot. I actually cried so much during the phone call to tell the adoption worker that I'm not sure she could really understand me.

It is a very hard decision to make....and one that has left me (like you) relieved, but at the same time very sad. As time has passed since our decision was made (& M has had more assessments and they have discovered even more SN), I am feeling more relieved than sad because I know that our family has suffered with her here, my health has taken a downward spiral, and in the end, it will not be best for "her" to be here where we cannot meet the multiple SN she has.

I am sure as time passes, you will feel more at peace with your decision. It is just awfully fresh for you right now.

[greenrobin]

We've had to disrupt 4 times, once with a single kid, once with a sib set of 3 out of 4 kids.

The first one, a teen girl, accused my 19 yr old son of molesting her--on a day when he wasn't even here. He had to stay out of the home until they found her a placement. The placement was with her mom in a local mission. She'd pulled so much stuff at so many places that no one would take her. The only place left was with her mom. Either that or keep her, and I categorically refused to choose her over my own son.

With the sib set, they were very emotionally disturbed. The first was taken out by the cops to the hospital and subsequently sent to a behavioral unit. He did 2 stays there and then went to a children's shelter. His younger brother went to the same place after 2 more weeks of trying to kill my other son who had mono at the time. Then he went to the shelter. No one would take them. Their sister was just as violent, but they sent her to an assessment placement and then to a therapeutic home.
All of the kids went to a relative, but the oldest is now back at the shelter. He's 9.

When parents and kids start plotting against the foster parent, it's time to move on. You feel like you've failed. I understand. We all do. But you didn't. You behaved in a normal, caring fashion. You expected them to also.

It doesn't work that way because they are not operating on the same plain as you are. It hurts, but you'll get through this. And, unfortunately, you'll be more wary next time, but it really will be okay.

I'm so sorry that this has happened.