[mommy2fiveplus]

I am incredibly fed up with people who "judge a book by its cover". I went to the state police post to ask a question about carseat law because I have 6 kids under 6 and all are in 5 pt harnesses (I bought Sunshine Kids Radian80) while in our Suburban but that is impossible when we I drive our compact and I never know which kids will be with me. I wanted to clarify a law so I knew how best to protect my kids in the vehicle without breaking the law or buying a $300 carseat to hopefully keep from breaking the law (one of my kids is HUGE for her size but is still the age to be rear-faced).

ANYWAY, I am 26, a nurse and live on a horse farm. I own scrubs, jeans, t-shirts and hoodies. I may own a dress or two but no one has died or got married so I haven't needed them. So I arrived at the police station in jeans and a t-shirt post-grocery shopping. When I tried to explain my situation to the police officer (lady, mid 50's) all she could say was "arn't you a little young to have 5 kids, esspesially if you can't afford to buy a carseat?"

I was floored. All she could see was this young women who she probably equated with white trash! I am used to people being suprised that I do foster-care at such a young age and even that I have 5 kids of my own (adopted and bio) but never had I recieved that kind of response. When I explained that I could afford the carseat if it was required (I probably make 10K more than her a year) and that I foster and that is why I have more that 2.4 kids, and that one of the 6 I have right now is a foster she didn't even apoligize! When I told her that I was offfended by her comment all she said was "Oh really?". I walked out without getting the info I needed, since she didn't offer to help anyway and ended up going to the next county to get the info.

As irritated as I am, that despite all of the progress I have made as an individual (I was a rotten teen) I will always be seen as white trash, I am more angry for the bfamilies we are trying to serve. What if one of them had gotten up the courage to ask a similar question of a local police officer (we all know that most do not have the best relationship with authority)? They would have been trying to do something really important for thier child, something to better his/her life and they would have got slammed.

I have come far from the troubled teen I was, and with education have gained a confidence that allowed me to see this women for what she is: someone who unduly thinks she is better than others. BUT, what about the people who are struggling right now, it is no wonder they do not access the help of authorities when it is really needed if they feel they will be persecuted for it.

Have other people who have fostered at younger ages run into this same problem?

[Chancey]

I would recommend calling her supervisor and lodge a complaint. I once had a police officer yell at me for no reason. I called the supervisor and made it very clear it was for no reason and they apologized.

[mommy2fiveplus]

I did call the supervisor, I foremost wanted to present the idea that people who come from less-than perfect circumstances often have trouble with persons of authority and since she belived me to be one of those people, she really shouldn't have alienated me so much. He seemed to understand, he told me he would update me on what he decided to do about the situation, however I told him I didn't care to know, I just wanted some one to hear the story.

[CaddoRose]

I agree with Chancey, call the supervisor /Chief of police and explain what happened. I might even go so far as to contact your city council member and the Mayor's office, just to let everybody know the type of face this person is putting on the police dept. This is certainly not the type of professional behavior that the dept would probably want to display to the public.

I had a similar experience with my small city police desk clerk. Come to find out, lots of people had already complained about her lack of professional behavior. I haven't been back in to see if she has changed or not.

[luvmykids4]

My friend is also a foster mom, but much younger than me, she is 24. She says that people say things to her and her husband about throwing their lives away doing fc. In her mind, and mine, they are doing the complete opposite. Some people are just rude and unenlightened. It is good that you complained, but past that just chalk it up to that woman having her own issues. I had a neighbor tell me to 'parent' my own kids, when I mentioned that we wanted to foster and adopt. I also get occasional comments because I homeschool. Every must march to the beat of their own drummer, and not let others offend us. Good luck!

[EandDmom]

I would right an editorial to the local newspaper. If your in a small town even better everyone reads the editorials of small home town papers. If nothing else I think it would maybe open some peoples eyes that not everything is as it seems. I always try to not judge a book by its cover a great example is I used to be a store manager and one of our regular customers was an old man in a wheel chair not exactly the cleanest guy in the world and a bit grumpy well I decided to speak to him everytime I saw him and be extra nice to him. I found out in a couple of weeks that he is actually a great artist who has had showings in gallaries and actually studied with picaso.. can you imagine the picaso.. he took me out to his van one day to see some of his paintings he just happened to have they were the most beautiful landscape paintings I literally teared up at how gorgeous they were and how proud he was to share them with me how I wish I could of afforded to buy one but they went for about 5 grand each. So much for a dirty homeless looking guy. That taught me a very valuable lesson.

[EandDmom]

sorry about the mistype I know its write an editorial not right an editorial

[GaViolet]

My husband and I are young foster parents. We have been licensed for 10 months. I turned 21 this month and he will be 22 in october. Some people think we are doing good but others think we are wasting time . We love it and are about to adopt our son who has FAE. He is are joy and I love fostering. Some people think they are better than you and act like you are nothing but at least you know you are doing it for the right reasons. Im glad to hear you called and complained and maybe she will think before she will treat anybody else like that.

[jbee]

i am 28 now and have been doing this since 26. i look young (i still get carded and people think i am our fs' girlfriend sometimes...ewwww). we are cc and have 2 cc daughters, our 5yo looks older than she is, blond, a 3yo black haired daughter, and our adopted biracial son, 2. he got wic as a foster (and since we adopted him we now qualifly, but anyway..) and people in line would look at me like i was a hooch with three different baby daddies sponging off the government. i got alot of 'are they all yours?', etc., huffs and puffs while waiting in line cause the wic takes a little longer and if i was buying other stuff like clothes and junk food, oh my.
i wish people would think outside the box. this has taught me that not all people on wic or state insurance are dirtballs, they might just be normal people. dh and i both have college degrees, he a masters, but because we foster we are focused on the kids instead of making a ton working. our foster stipend dosen't count on taxes or aid, so we actually make very little for our family size.
anyway, i feel you. i don't know what i would have done. i am normally shy but have been learning to stand up for myself. don't you just want to smack people sometimes?

[dancemama]

I applaud all of you for fostering while in your 20s! I face similar prejudice as I am over 50 and my current placements are under 10. Also 2 are of Asian ancestory while I am white. When stupid (busybodies) people ask if they are mine, the kids and I just smile and say Yes, of course. LOL
Walk tall ladies, you are wonderful!!

[greenrobin]

It works on the other end too.

I'm 47. My fks are 2 and 4. People always ask are they yours? Excuse me. Do I have the with me? Are they calling me mommy?

And, when I was in my early 20s, dh was a lieutenant in the USMC. His sword was damaged in a move. I stopped by the uniform shop to find out if they did deferred payment--the thing was something like $400. I was dressed in jeans, tennies and a college T shirt. The lady at the counter eyed me up and down then got a snide look on her face and told me, No, we only do that for officers. I whipped out my ID card and growled, My husband IS an officer. The look on her face was priceless.

People are just tacky sometimes. Good for you for standing up to her.

[shycar]

Jbee OMG you reminded of a time way back. I had 4 kids under 4. I had a 3 yr old cc girl, a 2 yr old asian boy, a 1 yr old asian/hispanic girl, and a redhead 5 month boy. Boy you should see the looks I got. I was about 24yrs old at the time, but looked younger then (my early years of foster, now I look old after 7 years of foster haha). Boy I got lots of nasty comments, especially when I went to store with 4 wic checks and 4 screaming tired babies, 2 in one buggy and 2 in another. One lady made a comment that my mom should tie my legs together (the nerve). But the lovely lady in the counter put her in her place. I have been going to that store since I was 15 yrs old and she new me well, including that I was fostering. She gave her a few tongue lashes and the lady left red as a tomatoe.

[wannafostersoon]

That is horrible!

I am a 26 year old nurse as well with four children. I look YOUNG, most people think I am 17-19, I've been married almost 8 years and all of my children are from this union. It's absolutely crazy the looks I get, especially if I have my nieces and nephews with us as well. Oh well, I accept that ignorance is bliss for most people. I look forward to when I am fostering and have a house full of children. I don't care what race they are or how unique their needs are. I certainly look forward to the day when someone makes an off-handed comment to me about my brood. I have some very witty quips on reserve.

[RobinKay]

How disrespectful and ignorant people can be. I love the great comebacks some folks have, and I loved the story about the store clerk telling off the ignorant customer! You go, girls!!

[BethanyB]

I am a single mom to two adopted children who are only a year apart. I used to be humiliated when I would go shopping and have to use my WIC checks. I got them because I was a foster parent and formula is EXPENSIVE! I used to get treated SO badly by the people running the cash register and the people behind me in line hated waiting and looked at me like I was the scum of the earth. I HATED it! They just see you as some young mother sucking the system dry.

In NJ you also get a small childcare subsidy if you adopt a child who is not in school. So I have to have vouchers sent to my kids daycare and then I pay the balance of what the state does not pay. Well, sometimes the vouchers are late and I feel like the people look down on me for using them. I adopted siblings from foster care. You would think people would act a bit nicer to you.

I say you should write a letter to the police chief. That was so wrong of her.