[casey03]

Hi All:

Before reading please understand that I am not speaking negatively about bio family adoptions.

We will soon have 2 of our foster kiddos for 15 months. They are moving towards termination. I have heard that at 15 months foster parents have certain rights. I'm thinking that one of those is that at that point if a bio family member (cousin) from another state, that has never even met the kids, comes forward and does a home study that we are on equal ground with them when it comes to adoption. We have had the baby since birth and the other since she was just under 2.

Does anyone have any insight on this kind of situation?

[Happy123]

I believe from experience that the SW has to consider them for placement....they even have more rights than a FP. But, I have also seen the SW state that due to bonding (especially since they are so young) that it would be detrimental to their mental health to move them. Sometimes this happens and sometimes not.
Good Luck,
Happy123

[RobinKay]

I appreciate that you state you are not "against" biofamily adoptions.

Please be aware that the process for family members can be very lengthy. Biofamily members do not just wake up one day and decide, yes, we'll take our young relative, thanks very much.

There are often family relationships to straighten out, there is a lot of legal paperwork and homestudy stuff--ours took almost a year. We were desperately interested in our (now) son and were told not to even write to him or send gifts by the social worker. Of course, come time for court and we were criticized for "not having a relationship" and for having only one visit.

Think of the long term view--a child growing up wondering why no one in the birth family wanted them. That was our thought, that was why we could not just let him go to the foster parents who (said) they loved and wanted him.

We knew our son had firm, loving memories of his family and would eventually react to losing all those people. It was beautiful to see him reunited with his maternal grandfather who had not seen him in two years. They were right in each other's arms immediately.

I realize yours are little ones who know only you-but the questions will come about bio family later, and the wondering why--

I am sorry for your pain--there is no good way to do this

[stevenstwin]

Won't they also question why they were rejected by the only parents they have ever known (even if the foster parents desperately want them, they'll still experience it as a rejection) and torn away from their family? Biology alone doesn't make a family. I think it is naive to suggest that as long as they go to a blood relative they won't be "wondering why" or hurting about the loss of people they loved and knew as parents.

Originally Posted by RobinKay

I appreciate that you state you are not "against" biofamily adoptions.

Please be aware that the process for family members can be very lengthy. Biofamily members do not just wake up one day and decide, yes, we'll take our young relative, thanks very much.

There are often family relationships to straighten out, there is a lot of legal paperwork and homestudy stuff--ours took almost a year. We were desperately interested in our (now) son and were told not to even write to him or send gifts by the social worker. Of course, come time for court and we were criticized for "not having a relationship" and for having only one visit.

Think of the long term view--a child growing up wondering why no one in the birth family wanted them. That was our thought, that was why we could not just let him go to the foster parents who (said) they loved and wanted him.

We knew our son had firm, loving memories of his family and would eventually react to losing all those people. It was beautiful to see him reunited with his maternal grandfather who had not seen him in two years. They were right in each other's arms immediately.

I realize yours are little ones who know only you-but the questions will come about bio family later, and the wondering why--

I am sorry for your pain--there is no good way to do this

[MomwithFive]

We were on equal ground with a bio parent as there was no relationship with our daughter and bio vs. we had a very close relationship to her. Our daughter also expressed over and over that she was our daughter. So, in our case, bonding had an impact as I feel it should. These emotional attachments are so extremely important to these children. They are building blocks to their future emotional health. After seeing RAD, I realize just how important.

[mommy2fiveplus]

I have been on both sides of this arguement, being that I adopted a relative and I am a foster parent who has adopted my foster children and wondered if biofamily would come forward during the process. I can tell you that no matter how bonded you are to your foster children, they will eventually wonder why no one in thier first family wanted them enough to "fight" for them. I know this because I have 5 adopted brothers and know that some of them feel this way, because that was thier experience. The ones who don't feel this way were fought for by thier families, even though those families were not able to adopt them.

There are good arguements on either side of the issue. What you have to understand is that if you are truly doing what is in the best interest of the child like a true parent would, the side that adopts the child must acknowledge the very important impact the other family has/had on the child.

Foster-adopt is a hard row to hoe since there is often animosity between bio and foster families that make it difficult to pursue a open/loving relationship between families. This is NOT in the best interest of any child, adoption does not mean the child abandons his/her old family to embrace a new one, yet that is often what happens in foster adoptions (not all but many),

I have the privilege of telling my son (the not-previously related one) that his family wanted him and fought for him. Because I feel like bio heritage (not ethnicity or race, but familial history) is so important, I have tried to gather as much info about his bio family as possible. And while they made choices that will negatively efffect him forever and rendered them unable to care for him, I know that their mere existance will play a part in the development of his self-image. Because of this, I will always be open to communication between them and I , and perhaps one day between him and them, providing they can become safe and get past thier animosity towards me.

Likewise, I communicate with my son's (the one who is related) previous foster parents so they know how he is doing and could be involved in his life if they so choose.

No family, bio or foster is more/less important than the other. I think the family that can see this and offer the child the best of both worlds is the family that will best meet the needs of the child, and is that child's true family.

I guess what I am saying is "Are you willing to pursue a highly open/cooperative adoption with this child's extended bio family (who have not harmed him) as that is in the best interest of the child?"

If you can honestly accept that role, and prove to your child that his bio family is also important and worth maintaining than I think you have a right to fight for the CHILD's place in your family (not your place in the child's life).

IMHO, bonding (foster parent/child or other) is on equal footing to familial heritage because if a foster parent correctly/strongly bonded with his/her foster child then the ability of that child to bond with another caregiver has been developed and the child will succeed in a new enviroment if that is what is deemed most appropriate. That is not to say that the child will not suffer or grieve the loss of the foster family, only that that grief is equal to that suffered when a child losses his/her bio family/familial heritage.

Good luck with your child and try to see the situation from every angle, including the child's.

[stevenstwin]

Great post, but one part concerns me ....if you tell your adopted son that his bio family fought to keep him and failed, aren't you afraid he might resent you for being the one who "won"? It sounds so adversarial - if there was a "fight" then someone lost. I'm thinking this is particularly likely to come up in the teen years, when even bio kids frequently announce that they wish (occasionally) that someone else was their parents!

Originally Posted by mommy2fiveplus

I have the privilege of telling my son (the not-previously related one) that his family wanted him and fought for him.

[hkolln]

As an Aunt almost to the finalization stage of adopting our 8 yr old niece I can speak from that side. We too had torn feelings with the entire situation. She was with a foster family that faught to keep her from us even after we became licensed foster parents and they hired an attorney. The situation caused it to drag out to 11 mos until the department actually sided with us (of which they appealed but were denied). We were given the guilt trip about "oh your niece is so bonded with us" and "Oh blood does not matter, we are her family" etc...which made us wonder if we were doing the right thing. It was highly emotional for us and we really pondered if we were doing what was truely best for our niece. Even though we were involved 6 weeks into her being placed in foster care, the entire process of becoming licensed and then doing the ICPC (different states) caused a delay in moving her of about 9 months. The main concern was we wanted our niece to know she had family out here that really cared about her and loved her. And to make it worse we were not even told we were interested to the previous foster parents by the SW until Christmas time which was 5 mos after we were involved so they of course thought we came out of the woodwork I suppose. We tried to keep an open communication between them going but they were not allowing us to speak to our niece during the entire placement decision making process...it was hard to not worry about her or decide what was best.

Now that she has been with us for 13 mos she is doing great! She has adjusted so well and proved everyone wrong, even her previous therapist whom specified via an appeal letter it would be detrimental to move her to us. We recently went to visit the previous FP's and some relatives in another state and leaving was no problem...she seems very adjusted to us and we love her as our own daughter. I feel we made the right decision in all this and looking at her I can see it was.

These decisions are so hard...keeping what is best for the child is a hard choice. Kids will grow up to become adults and want family interactions or knowledge. If foster parents can keep that line of communication open then that's great! I just know from from my experience that wasn't going to happen after what we went thru (numerous phone calls not answered or returned) and I'm happy everything turned out best for our niece. She deserves to be happy!

We have always been positive about our speaking of everyone involved...we understand she spent 11 mos with the previous foster family and she loves them. I tell her it's great to love a bunch of people and never ever say anything about what we went thru...just that they love her and she loves them. I don't want her to feel guilty about loving them. I would hope that the foster parents would feel the same way towards our love for her.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

Won't they also question why they were rejected by the only parents they have ever known (even if the foster parents desperately want them, they'll still experience it as a rejection) and torn away from their family? Biology alone doesn't make a family. I think it is naive to suggest that as long as they go to a blood relative they won't be "wondering why" or hurting about the loss of people they loved and knew as parents.

I think it's lot easier to explain that these were nice people who took care of you for a while vs. no one in your (birth) family wanted you. I do not appreciate my point of view characterized as "naive". It is very clear that many people (certainly not all) become foster parents with the idea of adopting. They have a personal agenda, there is no altruistic motive of caring for children in crisis.

I completely understand the concerns about RAD, and I do not wish any child to have that disorder-I see the effects on families working at my elementary school. Without a doubt the system needs to be fixed and move much faster--children should not be with a foster family from birth until 3,4, 5 yrs old waiting for permanency. Transitions need to be done carefully--the adults involved need to be adults and know their role in the child's life.

[casey03]

Thanks for all of the posts. I guess that deep down I was hoping for a positive outcome / stories to a foster parent adoption in this kind of case.

We understand that as foster parents we are to support reunification, which we do, but if termination does occur then we hope to adopt. That has been our objective since the beginning. I feel that foster parents get the short end of the stick sometimes.

Sorry, I guess that I'm having an emotional day.

[mommytoEli]

you have every right to be emotional.

right now i'm the relative placement in your scenario. A was in care for 5.5 months before we finally got him. My biggest frustration is it took them nearly 3 months for them to even call us, and then we were delayed time and time again for 2.5 months as we tried to get him in our home. they wouldn't let us visit until we did all the paperwork, but they were slower than molasses. i think sometimes cps is failing relatives just as much as they are failing foster parents. "luckily" for me....my son was placed in a shelter home, not a foster, and so when the time came for him to leave, it was not heartwrenching for the family....they were happy for him.

i will say that the outcome of your case is going to depend alot on your judge and what the child's atty and case worker are suggesting. also, if this family knew about the child the entire time but did not come forward, that would probably help your case somewhat as well, otherwise, i can not imagine them passing over a relative placement. i have come to learn that is just what they do. i had a friend who was in a similar situation. she hired an atty to help prove that the children were bonded to her after 15 months of being in her home, but in the end, they still placed with some obscure relatives. you never know.


now, my one section of good news in this mess is that i also used to be on the side you are on. i have a child that i adopted after being in my home about 2 years. for about 18 months of that time, this person was aware we were going to adopt. she never said anything. she visited twice, the visits were awful....it just seemed like she didn't really care for the child. after 18 months, she called the sw and said she wanted the child. sw basically said "no way." it didn't go much farther than that. family backed off, and we adopted. it is obviously a much more complex story than that, but my point is again, you never know. as much as i've come to agree that family is the best placement for a child, i have also learned, first hand, that this also depends on the family.

i'd push forward if i were you. i'd start by point blank asking your case worker what is up and what is the likely hood these children would go with family. they don't have a crystal ball, but they may be able to tell you what they think might happen based on previous cases.

[mommy2fiveplus]

It has been my experience (as I am 26 and not so far from my teen years) that all teens will "resent" their parents for one thing or another, so this might be his reason, who know's what the other kids will pick to be thiers.

I doubt I will phrase it in the same words I used on this site to explain it to him, so I think with your feedback I will choose my words more carefully when I explain it to him. I might say "your parent's and the rest of your bio family really wanted you to grow up with them, and they tried to do the things they needed to, but in the end a judge thought you would be happy and healthy growing up with us." I have had quite a lot of practice telling my foster kids happy and unhappy news, sometimes there is no way to "soften the blow" but it is the meaning under the words that they will understand when they are older.

I hope that the knowledge that so many people really wanted him will help him get through the really tight spots in life, so that he doesn't think he was "2nd best" like a lot of the posters I read on the Adoptee forum.

[stevenstwin]

Sorry if you are offended by my choice of the word "naive". I'm offended by your description of the only parents a child has had for most of their young life as just "nice people who took care of you.". Phht. I took care of my fs and put heart and soul into everything it took to heal some emotional and psychological disorders that no one in his birth family would touch, or was the least bit qualifed to tackle. But ya better bet when the work is done they want to reap the benefits.

Originally Posted by RobinKay

I think it's lot easier to explain that these were nice people who took care of you for a while vs. no one in your (birth) family wanted you. I do not appreciate my point of view characterized as "naive". It is very clear that many people (certainly not all) become foster parents with the idea of adopting. They have a personal agenda, there is no altruistic motive of caring for children in crisis.

I completely understand the concerns about RAD, and I do not wish any child to have that disorder-I see the effects on families working at my elementary school. Without a doubt the system needs to be fixed and move much faster--children should not be with a foster family from birth until 3,4, 5 yrs old waiting for permanency. Transitions need to be done carefully--the adults involved need to be adults and know their role in the child's life.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

Sorry if you are offended by my choice of the word "naive". I'm offended by your description of the only parents a child has had for most of their young life as just "nice people who took care of you.". Phht. I took care of my fs and put heart and soul into everything it took to heal some emotional and psychological disorders that no one in his birth family would touch, or was the least bit qualifed to tackle. But ya better bet when the work is done they want to reap the benefits.

Foster parents volunteer to do this job. Is it to help the children or is it for themselves? Is the foster care system a "try before you buy" program? Is an adults need/wish for a family the primary reason for fostering?

Reaping the benefits? So it wasn't for the child, it was for the "benefits"? It surprises you a birth family could not care for a child with special needs? What kind of families do you think lose their children to social services? If they were functional, capable people, they wouldn't have lost the child in the first place.

The "right" to fulfill the desire to have a child, to have a family ends at the child's right to be reunited with their birth family whenever possible.

Too often that cannot happen, the birth family cannot care for a child. Thank goodness for the foster families in those cases.

[stevenstwin]

I think it's lot easier to explain that these were nice people who took care of you for a while vs. no one in your (birth) family wanted you.

THAT is the line I was responding to.

I don't know where you are getting some of your comments from, in your response to me..."try before you buy"?? What the heck is THAT all about? and I don't know what you think I meant by "reaping the benefits" but what I MEANT was a family unwilling to take a child with severe emotional and behavioural issues, and then coming forward and suddenly wanting to take the child once they have begun significant healing.
You are also painting birth families with a pretty broad brush - saying that of course they can't take care of a child with special needs, since they were dysfunctional in the first place. Just because the child's birth parents are dysfunctional does NOT mean that the rest of the family is as well.
My FS was 14 years old when he came to me. I had no intention of adopting and wasn't seeking another child. I wasn't even a foster parent. I very much hoped someone in his family WOULD step forward and take him; but they didn't, so I applied to take him. His grandparents and aunt all would have been suitable placements but did not want to take him because they were not willing to do the hard work of dealing with his emotional problems. I was, so I took him. BUT MY POINT was that IF a foster parent has taken a child and worked their butts off to help the child, it is particularly tragic to then lose that child to a birth relative who wasn't willing to do the work in the first place, but now wants the "healed" child. And I am NOT saying that is what happens all the time (no, Helen - I'm definitely not talking about you, or anyone else who has been trying to get a birth relative for some time and is willing to take on all the challenges) - but it DOES happen sometimes. There have been several cases on this board of birth relatives not interested in a child with "big problems" who suddenly become interested months or years later when the child is well into recovery. I guess what I'm trying to say is that in such cases it is that process of hard work and recovery that MAKES a family, and is what makes the foster parents the child's "real" parents. And no "blood link" is more important than THAT link. Which is why your characterization of foster parents as just "nice people that take care of a child for while" irks the heck out of me. The best interests of the child are in being with the person who has stuck by them, done the therapy and healing with them, and been there through all the hard stuff. NOT necessarily the person who shares the same DNA. There is an undertone in your post of thinking that foster parents all have some sort of "agenda", and are selfish if they want to adopt a child they've parented. This is getting rather off track, so I think we need to bring the focus back to the original poster. She is the ONLY healthy parent this child has experienced in his entire life - that makes her a heck of a lot more than "some nice person who took care of him for a while".

Originally Posted by RobinKay

Foster parents volunteer to do this job. Is it to help the children or is it for themselves? Is the foster care system a "try before you buy" program? Is an adults need/wish for a family the primary reason for fostering?

Reaping the benefits? So it wasn't for the child, it was for the "benefits"? It surprises you a birth family could not care for a child with special needs? What kind of families do you think lose their children to social services? If they were functional, capable people, they wouldn't have lost the child in the first place.

The "right" to fulfill the desire to have a child, to have a family ends at the child's right to be reunited with their birth family whenever possible.

Too often that cannot happen, the birth family cannot care for a child. Thank goodness for the foster families in those cases.