[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Fostermomintx:

Applaud, applaud, applaud.

Originally Posted by spicedmama

I may be new to this, but I am not new to life. I am a degreed social worker and an early interventionist by profession.

Well that explains it. I see now why you THINK you know, but you don't.


Kim

[RobinKay]

When your personal agenda gets in the way of the child's right to be raised by family, and I have made it clear that I do NOT mean DNA, then that is a conflict with the role of foster parenting.

Originally Posted by embuck

WHAT?????

This statement is going all which ways with me.

Not sure what you mean--my meaning is that when the personal agenda to begin a family overrides the best interests of the child and the child's right to be raised by bfamily when emotionally and physically safe, that is a problem.

[spicedmama]

Originally Posted by xxsurroundedbyxy

Fostermomintx:

Applaud, applaud, applaud.



Well that explains it. I see now why you THINK you know, but you don't.

I am not too sure what this means, here's hoping for clarification. And I do hope you are not being mean spirited for the fun or sacasm of it. Anything I have posted on this particular topic has been from my heart. My heart and my experience have not been yours, and vice versa.
_____

The eldest of the 2 children has been in 4 foster homes in less than 2 years and in one of those homes, she was abused. Believe me, I would probably rest a lot easier if I knew that she had spent almost 2 years with one caring foster family. So, I will continue on as a Bio family member, trudging through this process to make sure as best I can that she has a safe and happy life.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by spicedmama

I am not too sure what this means, here's hoping for clarification. And I do hope you are not being mean spirited for the fun or sacasm of it. Anything I have posted on this particular topic has been from my heart. My heart and my experience have not been yours, and vice versa.
_____

The eldest of the 2 children has been in 4 foster homes in less than 2 years and in one of those homes, she was abused. Believe me, I would probably rest a lot easier if I knew that she had spent almost 2 years with one caring foster family. So, I will continue on as a Bio family member, trudging through this process to make sure as best I can that she has a safe and happy life.

to you spicedmama

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by spicedmama

I am not too sure what this means, here's hoping for clarification.

I mean: I would never propose to tell a registered nurse on the job for years how to do her job if I was not quite out of nursing school yet and had not cared for an ill patient on my own yet.

Likewise, I would hope someone who has never actually fostered would not propose to tell a seasoned foster parent (or even someone who has fostered one child) how to think, feel, or do their job if they haven't been licensed and fostered a child themselves.

Kim

[spicedmama]

Originally Posted by xxsurroundedbyxy

I mean: I would never propose to tell a registered nurse on the job for years how to do her job if I was not quite out of nursing school yet and had not cared for an ill patient on my own yet.

Likewise, I would hope someone who has never actually fostered would not propose to tell a seasoned foster parent (or even someone who has fostered one child) how to think, feel, or do their job if they haven't been licensed and fostered a child themselves.

Kim

Could you indicate where I told YOU how to foster? Or even what you should do as a foster parent. I talked about my MAPP class, and what I learned. And, again, your experience has not been my experience. I am not licensed, no. I am in the process of being licensed. I am, however, a parent. And in my MAPP class we were told to take the foster out of foster parent and just parent. So yes, I have an idea what it is to parent. I would think well seasoned foster parents would be more supportive of other "wannabee" foster parents.

I will continue to seek the best care for my little relatives.

[MamaS]

But is it better for the child to be raised by a "blood relative" who only wants the child for the social security check or for two strangers who let their lives be poked and prodded and snooped into by caseworkers and law enforcement, who spent thousands of dollars on agencies, lawyers, homestudies, etc. because they wanted to provide a loving home for a child/children?
Any time anyone comes on this board and mentions that they are thinking about placing a child in an adoptive home someone is going to say:
Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. and Your child will wonder why no one in his/her biofamily wanted him/her.
To my old-fashioned way of thinking a child is NOT a temporary problem, it is a life-time commitment.
I have also known many birthfamilies who wanted to keep babies in the family for reasons other than love -- for financial incentives, to "punish" the birthmother with a constant reminder of her "sin", to prove their Christian "forgiveness" of their wayward daughter, or because grandmother can no longer have children and wants to use daughter as a surrogate. I won't even go into biofathers who don't want to parent but refuse to sign adoption papers because they want to punish the girl for breaking up with them. Like children with a ball ---'if you don't play my way I'm taking my ball and going home' -- forgive me, but I think the life of a child is more important that that.
I know what I am saying is not popular, but I hate to see children being treated as possessions to be kept instead of precious blessings to be cared for and cherished.

[spicedmama]

Originally Posted by MamaS

But is it better for the child to be raised by a "blood relative" who only wants the child for the social security check or for two strangers who let their lives be poked and prodded and snooped into by caseworkers and law enforcement, who spent thousands of dollars on agencies, lawyers, homestudies, etc. because they wanted to provide a loving home for a child/children?
Any time anyone comes on this board and mentions that they are thinking about placing a child in an adoptive home someone is going to say:
Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. and Your child will wonder why no one in his/her biofamily wanted him/her.
To my old-fashioned way of thinking a child is NOT a temporary problem, it is a life-time commitment.
I have also known many birthfamilies who wanted to keep babies in the family for reasons other than love -- for financial incentives, to "punish" the birthmother with a constant reminder of her "sin", to prove their Christian "forgiveness" of their wayward daughter, or because grandmother can no longer have children and wants to use daughter as a surrogate. I won't even go into biofathers who don't want to parent but refuse to sign adoption papers because they want to punish the girl for breaking up with them. Like children with a ball ---'if you don't play my way I'm taking my ball and going home' -- forgive me, but I think the life of a child is more important that that.
I know what I am saying is not popular, but I hate to see children being treated as possessions to be kept instead of precious blessings to be cared for and cherished.

I have no answer for you other than it's awful for people to use this system for money, blood relative or not. I know for every blood relative accused of this, there can be an accusation against a foster family for the same thing. It's all awful. It's all ugly. I just hate the "us" vs. "them," comments. It makes me feel bad and feel sad, when we are all here for foster support, (at least I hope we are all here for support).

I am here for support. There is much I don't know, and much I have to learn. I just don't want to feel like this is not a place where I can come and talk about what I have learned and what I do know. I hope that I can help someone out there too, as I am being helped by reading through tons of these posts weekly. I have learned so much from so many of you all. God bless those of you who have been so helpful to me. I appreciate it. And who knows, some day, I may step outside of relative foster care and into the regular trenches of foster care, (if I get my license, lol). I have a lot of interest in respite, and emergency care.

God Bless!

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by spicedmama

As a recent "graduate" of MAPP, I sometimes find it difficult that folks forget that the purpose of foster care is to have a safe haven for the child to be placed while the adults work on REUNIFICATION. If reunification is not appropriate then it's biological family placement, and/or foster/adopt. I am very surprised to hear about the Florida law because anyone who has struggled with and through the ICPC process knows that 6 months is a drop in the bucket. It's nothing. ICPC is a very long process, and the biological relatives who fight through it's maze are amazing folks. And believe me, they fight. I think it's as bad as natural childbirth. It's awful. In the time it takes for the ICPC to be finalized I would want the child to bond with their foster family. We were taught in MAPP that they should bond with you, but foster parents should not forget that they are foster and that the child was placed in their homes to be cared for until they can be REUNIFIED with their biological families. (I am speaking about foster only families).

I think for those that have a problem with the word "Reunification," then you must address that while in your Foster Care Training, because it's a word that is used quite often. You can't dismiss it because now you have a child in your home that you have bonded it with, (and good for you because that is your job as a foster parent). And those of us who have had Foster Care training, (i.e. MAPP, etc.), you know that "Reunification" is used in conjunction with BIOLOGICAL FAMILY, (be it parents, and/or "kin"). For those children who are to be placed with biological family and/or "kin" who have possibly had very little contact with the child, and you, (the foster parent), have had the most time with the child, you are still responsible for knowing your place as a FOSTER family. You know when going into this position that FOSTERING is temporary, (and again, I am talking about foster only families). Why not try and seek to build a relationship with the "kin" so that you can continue to remain a part of the child's support system. And, if it so happens, (and it does), that the "kin" does not want a relationship with you then, we must accept that that is a part of FOSTERING too.

I believe this is the lecture I was referring to. And yes, in it, you seem to be telling us HOW to foster.....as if you know. I do encourage "wannabes" but I do not suggest they start spewing advice until they have lived through some of it. You see, many of us have had children in our home longer than you have been going through the ICPC process. We have seen the misery they are in and the misery their bio parents can cause. We live it. So to have someone who is taking in relatives (most certainly not the same as taking in children you know nothing about at 2am) and doesn't appear to be intending on actually FOSTERING to begin to comment on how we should do our "job" is a little aggravating to say the least. Your previous posts on other threads have said things like "regretfully, I am NOT fostering for money". Are the rest of us? You went on to say you would be needing help with daycare and needed the Medicaid. So I guess you are doing it just like we are. Then you went on to talk about lack of space in your home and your concern on whether there was room for the two children you are wanting to care for. So I am assuming you will not be fostering anymore children once these two are in your home. So that was your purpose of MAPP. A way different perspective than those who do it for multiple children for multiple years. Don't you think?


Kim

[spicedmama]

Originally Posted by xxsurroundedbyxy

I believe this is the lecture I was referring to. And yes, in it, you seem to be telling us HOW to foster.....as if you know.


Kim

If you took it as a lecture referring to yourself, (or are you speaking for the full board?), then I apologize. You have a problem with my delivery, and I have a problem with yours. You seem to be belittling me because I am not a "seasoned" and/or "licensed" foster parent. I am a seasoned parent and I am seeking my license. I don't see where I have belittled you at all, on a personal level. I have only responded to your seemingly put downs of me and/or my comments.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

SpicedMama:

I believe we will just have to agree to disagree. I, too, am a seasoned parent and an elementary teacher who has seen a lot......I still would not have begun to tell other foster parents what I thought their "job" was fresh out of MAPP/PRIDE class. So we are just different.

Kim

[spicedmama]

Originally Posted by xxsurroundedbyxy

I believe this is the lecture I was referring to. And yes, in it, you seem to be telling us HOW to foster.....as if you know. I do encourage "wannabes" but I do not suggest they start spewing advice until they have lived through some of it. You see, many of us have had children in our home longer than you have been going through the ICPC process. We have seen the misery they are in and the misery their bio parents can cause. We live it. So to have someone who is taking in relatives (most certainly not the same as taking in children you know nothing about at 2am) and doesn't appear to be intending on actually FOSTERING to begin to comment on how we should do our "job" is a little aggravating to say the least. Your previous posts on other threads have said things like "regretfully, I am NOT fostering for money". Are the rest of us? You went on to say you would be needing help with daycare and needed the Medicaid. So I guess you are doing it just like we are. Then you went on to talk about lack of space in your home and your concern on whether there was room for the two children you are wanting to care for. So I am assuming you will not be fostering anymore children once these two are in your home. So that was your purpose of MAPP. A way different perspective than those who do it for multiple children for multiple years. Don't you think?


Kim

I am glad you took the time to read through my other posts, but please, don't assume to know what my plans are for the future with regards to foster care. Again, if you found my postings on this board rude then I apologize, but I will not be targeted by you regarding relative foster care vs. foster care. Once licensed I will also be a part of the foster care system. In my state since I am not an immediate family member but an extended family member I will have to abide by the same rules as everyone else.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by MamaS

But is it better for the child to be raised by a "blood relative" who only wants the child for the social security check or for two strangers who let their lives be poked and prodded and snooped into by caseworkers and law enforcement, who spent thousands of dollars on agencies, lawyers, homestudies, etc. because they wanted to provide a loving home for a child/children?
Any time anyone comes on this board and mentions that they are thinking about placing a child in an adoptive home someone is going to say:
Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. and Your child will wonder why no one in his/her biofamily wanted him/her.
To my old-fashioned way of thinking a child is NOT a temporary problem, it is a life-time commitment.
I have also known many birthfamilies who wanted to keep babies in the family for reasons other than love -- for financial incentives, to "punish" the birthmother with a constant reminder of her "sin", to prove their Christian "forgiveness" of their wayward daughter, or because grandmother can no longer have children and wants to use daughter as a surrogate. I won't even go into biofathers who don't want to parent but refuse to sign adoption papers because they want to punish the girl for breaking up with them. Like children with a ball ---'if you don't play my way I'm taking my ball and going home' -- forgive me, but I think the life of a child is more important that that.
I know what I am saying is not popular, but I hate to see children being treated as possessions to be kept instead of precious blessings to be cared for and cherished.

The temporary problem comment I have never thought referred to the child-I always thought it referred to barriers preventing the parents from taking care of their child. Sometimes these barriers can be overcome with support and the parents can successfully take their child and raise him/her. The other comment about "why didn't anyone in my family want me", well, just go read on the adult adoptees site. Read about the good and bad reunions, there is a full spectrum of outcomes. No guarantee of happiness with birth family placement or adoption by relatives, but the family contact will be there in a way the foster family will never be able to provide.

Bottom line is--the child has the RIGHT to be raised by birthfamily when it is safe physically and emotionally, and foster parents carry a burden to help make that happen, including careful transitioning back to birthfamily, parents or relatives.

[spicedmama]

Originally Posted by xxsurroundedbyxy

SpicedMama:

I believe we will just have to agree to disagree. I, too, am a seasoned parent and an elementary teacher who has seen a lot......I still would not have begun to tell other foster parents what I thought their "job" was fresh out of MAPP/PRIDE class. So we are just different.

Kim

Thank you. I wrote my last reply prior to reading your reply quoted above. I agree to disagree. I may be fresh out of MAPP but I am not fresh out of life. We are different, but we are passionate about the same thing. The children. God bless, and I will be reading you.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by spicedmama

Again, if you found my postings on this board rude then I apologize, but I will not be targeted by you regarding relative foster care vs. foster care. Once licensed I will also be a part of the foster care system. In my state since I am not an immediate family member but an extended family member I will have to abide by the same rules as everyone else.

I promise you were not targeted.....you became a member of a public forum and posted on a thread entitled Foster Parent Adoption vs. Relative Adoption. SO I responded to some of your opinions with my own.

Same rules, but you have to admit.....totally different perspective than most foster parents.