[embuck]

"If someone is doing straight foster, they do not have the personal agenda of wanting to build their family.

It's not a judgement about who is a better person, it is just a statement of fact."


I do agree that parents who want to adopt have a "personal agenda". But you word it like you are wanting these people to admit something they are doing is wrong. Yes they may have a goal to adopt as a primary BUT those people are needed too. If everyone fostered there would be no forever families made. We all work together and there is nothing wrong with it. I think straight foster people also have some sort of "agenda" to be doing what they are doing day in and day out. I am not saying this "agenda" is a bad thing but never the less people have reasons for the things they do. I just don't understand your point I guess. I have met alot of people doing straight adoption in the agency I am working with and all of their "agendas" are to build their family WITH children that need that forever family and love in their lives. There is more than one "agenda" and all of them are good.

[fostermomintx]

"I think for those that have a problem with the word "Reunification," then you must address that while in your Foster Care Training, because it's a word that is used quite often. You can't dismiss it because now you have a child in your home that you have bonded it with, (and good for you because that is your job as a foster parent). And those of us who have had Foster Care training, (i.e. MAPP, etc.), you know that "Reunification" is used in conjunction with BIOLOGICAL FAMILY, (be it parents, and/or "kin"). For those children who are to be placed with biological family and/or "kin" who have possibly had very little contact with the child, and you, (the foster parent), have had the most time with the child, you are still responsible for knowing your place as a FOSTER family"

As seasoned foster parents we all know from the beginning our role as foster parents and do not need to be told by someone who hasn't even completed the license process yet and had a child in their care (relative or not). When you go through this process you see that these are living, breathing human beings and not just pawns to be shuffled around and treated as possessions by biological families. If children have connections to other family members and they are willing, able and approved through a home study to take these young relatives quickly then that is great. But to watch biological parents fail to do their plan, fail to seek relatives that might be willing to raise these children (until the very last minute before TPR happens), then it does fall to the foster parents, who not only open up their hearts and homes to these kids but also rearrange our whole lives to accommodate this change, i.e. no vacations unless you get permission to take them with you, finding respite care, if possible, while you go on vacation, asking for permission to get the child a haircut, etc. So don't go telling us "our place as Foster families", we know our role but these kids are the most important factor in this whole scenario and don't fault us for wanting what is best for the children and NOT for the biological families. We are talking about adults who have the ability to choose their lives and how they choose to run or ruin them, the children should not be the ones who get caught up in their bioparents dysfunctional lifestyles...

Try having a child in your care for awhile and see what you think about it after you've seen children exposed to drugs (in utero) and have to withdraw before your very eyes. They are the ones who suffer not the bioparents and they didn't choose this drug exposure that will most likely have some affect on them as they grow older. And when the biological parents, who make their children wait for years (by not doing their plan or not finding relatives at the start to take their kids), choose to be selfish and not see what is in the best interest of their child(ren) all while their children are bonding and attaching to non-relatives who love them nevertheless...so let's just keep them in the family because they are blood related makes no sense at all. It seems to always be in the best interest of the adults, NOT the kids.

Walk a mile in our shoes before you pass judgment on "Foster Families"...

[casey03]

SpicedMama:

You are new to this and currently only doing this to become a relative placement, as per your post.

It is very easy to say, foster parents are supposed to only be foster parents, etc, etc, but once you receive a placement, they are real. Yes, yes, reunification is the goal always but it still doesn't stop you from loving the person that you are caring for 24/7.

I have a wonderful relationship with the bios of my twins whom we have legal custody of. They have regular visits in which I voluntarily transport them to out of the kindness of my heart and to help the bio dad out.

It looks like, from the posts, that bio families will always resent foster parents and that foster parents are just supposed to take it because that is their "job".

I would just once like a bio family member to say, thank you for taking great care of xyz or thank you for driving 45 minutes to bring xyz to us so that we can save on gas. Mind you, I do not get one dime in subsidy for the three that I have custody of, no medical card, nothing.

[casey03]

WELL SAID FOSTERMOMINTX. I completely agree!

[spicedmama]

I may be new to this, but I am not new to life. I am a degreed social worker and an early interventionist by profession. I have seen many things, so let's not assume that since I am new to this process within my OWN family, that I am new. If you don't like that I am pro-training, and that I would like to adhere to the rules that were taught to me by professionals, then so be it. I am a birth family member who have no problem with telling those who are fostering my little relatives thank you, when they are taking proper care of them. But I have had one fostering family who are facing criminal charges right now for abusing one of these little one. And I won't be thanking them. And were you not at one time NEW? Did you not have some trust in the system, (be it family and/or government), that if you follow the rules then things will work out. I am offended that being NEW leaves me out of having an opinion. And that's all I am saying. I am not lecturing anyone. I am giving my opinion and what I was taught in my MAPP class. Thank you to those of you who are not judgemental of a BIO family member.

[spicedmama]

Let me also say that I am attempting to get through an ICPC. No easy task. I thank God I am not in Florida, because I have been knocking on the foster care systems door for going on 2 years now, and still I don't have custody. But I won't give up with making sure whether with me or not these children are in good homes. I don't want to be painted as the BIO enemy. I want what's best for these children, isn't that what we all want?

I am glad to see we are all passionate. I am very passionate about this because it has hit my family and my home. I take my hats off to you all who are doing a wonderful job. I make no apologies for being a passionate BIO kin.

[casey03]

I want to apoligize if I sounded harsh. There are two sides to every story.

I just struggle with bio relatives that haven't even met the child / children out weighing the rights of the only loving parent that the child / children have ever known.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by embuck

"If someone is doing straight foster, they do not have the personal agenda of wanting to build their family.

It's not a judgement about who is a better person, it is just a statement of fact."


I do agree that parents who want to adopt have a "personal agenda". But you word it like you are wanting these people to admit something they are doing is wrong. Yes they may have a goal to adopt as a primary BUT those people are needed too. If everyone fostered there would be no forever families made. We all work together and there is nothing wrong with it. I think straight foster people also have some sort of "agenda" to be doing what they are doing day in and day out. I am not saying this "agenda" is a bad thing but never the less people have reasons for the things they do. I just don't understand your point I guess. I have met alot of people doing straight adoption in the agency I am working with and all of their "agendas" are to build their family WITH children that need that forever family and love in their lives. There is more than one "agenda" and all of them are good.

Yes, people have agendas. Not all of them are good. When your personal agenda gets in the way of the child's right to be raised by family, and I have made it clear that I do NOT mean DNA, then that is a conflict with the role of foster parenting.

My point is that we all need to remember that these foster children have families. Maybe the children remember the family, maybe not. At all times, the family remembers the child, even if the bmother gives up the child at birth and never takes the baby home.

My issue is foster parents who "fall in love" with the child or X number of calendar pages have been turned, and that is why they feel they should be allowed to keep the child. Yes, of course you bonded, that is healthy and desirable. Our species would die out without that instinct to bond with our young. Just please remember the children have rights, too. Foster children have the right to grow up with people, with their family, that know their background.


No one on this site advocates children to go back to unsafe homes. No one supports bparents who cannot do what they need to do to get their children back. And no one disputes that foster families are needed, and foster adoptions are reasons to celebrate.

But there are cases where relatives were unfairly blocked by the system and by foster families. Even once is too much, it is a violation of the CHILD'S rights. Most relatives do not have the personal agenda of wanting more children--in my case, my other two sons are 29 and 26 and I will spend the rest of my life being called "grandma" by everyone who meets us for the first time. In our case, the foster family told me in almost every phone call and every personal contact "you, know, we can't have children of our own". Hard not to assume they were thinking of themselves in wanting this child. And they are not alone, many, many infertile couples look to foster-adopt to offer loving homes to children.

I am sorry to know how painful it is to lose the child you are caring for, and I know our country needs you all.

Just leave room in your hearts for the children's family, their whole family, which includes you, IMO.

[embuck]

Originally Posted by RobinKay

When your personal agenda gets in the way of the child's right to be raised by family, and I have made it clear that I do NOT mean DNA, then that is a conflict with the role of foster parenting.

WHAT?????

This statement is going all which ways with me.

[shycar]

I have fostered for 7 years and have had over 30 children. I love truely love working with b-parents to get their children back. I have gone out of my way to help. I have had sw shock when I volunteer to do things. Its just my way. I also do this for b-family. I have never posted this before becouse, well I dont know why, but I won a foster parent award for best working with b-family a few years back. Im proud of it, but I dont like to mention it. I have adopted twice and I had one fost/adopt we had to have move not becouse they werent "the right fit", but becouse we could not provide what they needed. Here is what I think on some point brought out.


First many family will always feel that foster parents are here to steal babies. I personally think its very imature way to think or closed minded, but its the way they feel. I have seen many family that feel the oposite. I always say until your in their shoes do not judge. So those who adopted relatives might never understand what it is to foster a child and love them like their own and hand them over to strangers. Just like those who foster might never understand what its like fearing never seeing a neice/nephew or grandchild again, so please respect eachother. The main thing here is the kids.

Second I say if family step up, great. My last placement went with family and I was happy for them. Yes I was concerned. They are strangers to me. I dont know them. I would never leave my children (including fosterkids) with someone I dont know to babysit. Its much harder to send them to strangers forever. But I do it and work hard to make it smooth for them. I dont agree when family wait a long time before they become interested. Now Im not talking about getting paperwork done and all that. Family can pop up two months after removal of the child, but take months before the child is moved. To me that is early interest. Im talking about family that wait 1-2 years after the child is removed and ask for the child (I have seen it) and then start getting paperwork ready. To me that is not fair for the child. But it happens and even though I dont agree I work my butt off to make it smooth transition.


Third not all foster parents are here to adopt. There is a lady and hubby that was in our agency, she just retired from fostering. She did it for 30 years (and her hubby too hehe) and never adopted. She would take in hard children. Children that would try to burn the house down. That would threaten to kill them while they sleep. I remember when they told us that they did not see their grandkids for a year, becouse their fs could not be around other children, without harming them. That is not selfish. They gave their lives to these kids and for someone to say they do it only to see what kids are out there to try out a child first is insult twords them. They are amazing. Me, yes I want to adopt. Is this the main reason to foster? Yes and No. Yeah I want more kids, but I love when kids go back and I give my all for kids to return. That does not mean I will not worry over them. And in the mean time if a child does go for adoption and is a "good fit" meaning we can provide what they need then yeah I will adopt them.

The last thing that was said that bothere me. I dont remember who, but someone said a child will be better off emotionally if raised by family. I have to disagree. I know many people who are adopted and are perfectly happy people with no emotional problems. Then I have seen my dd b-mom. Who was raised by family. She was going to be adopted at age five by a foster family, but family steped in at last minute. She is emotional mess. Deeply involved in gangs and drugs. Its very sad. So no just becouse a child will be raised by family does not mean they will be emotionally better off then me raising my ds and dd who are adopted.

To op. Im sorry. I know how hard it is when a little one go. It never get easier. Dont lose hope yet, they need to pass a homestudy. Dont back off loving that child becouse you dont want to end up hurting. My suggestion is love that child like your own. Enjoy every minute. If family is whats best work hard to make a smooth transition for the child. If family does not work out, well still love that child and enjoy every minute. Good luck and keep us posted.

[KelleyF]

Originally Posted by spicedmama

I thank God I am not in Florida, because I have been knocking on the foster care systems door for going on 2 years now, and still I don't have custody. But I won't give up with making sure whether with me or not these children are in good homes. .

Yes, that is the most important thing. Making sure the child is in a good home and is happy and thiriving. I would hope that after 2 years of the child being with a foster family that in fact is a "good home", that you would repect the child's happiness by leaving them there.
All this talk about "family". A foster family is in fact that...A FAMILY.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by shycar

I have fostered for 7 years and have had over 30 children. I love truely love working with b-parents to get their children back. I have gone out of my way to help. I have had sw shock when I volunteer to do things. Its just my way. I also do this for b-family. I have never posted this before becouse, well I dont know why, but I won a foster parent award for best working with b-family a few years back. Im proud of it, but I dont like to mention it. I have adopted twice and I had one fost/adopt we had to have move not becouse they werent "the right fit", but becouse we could not provide what they needed. Here is what I think on some point brought out.


First many family will always feel that foster parents are here to steal babies. I personally think its very imature way to think or closed minded, but its the way they feel. I have seen many family that feel the oposite. I always say until your in their shoes do not judge. So those who adopted relatives might never understand what it is to foster a child and love them like their own and hand them over to strangers. Just like those who foster might never understand what its like fearing never seeing a neice/nephew or grandchild again, so please respect eachother. The main thing here is the kids.

Second I say if family step up, great. My last placement went with family and I was happy for them. Yes I was concerned. They are strangers to me. I dont know them. I would never leave my children (including fosterkids) with someone I dont know to babysit. Its much harder to send them to strangers forever. But I do it and work hard to make it smooth for them. I dont agree when family wait a long time before they become interested. Now Im not talking about getting paperwork done and all that. Family can pop up two months after removal of the child, but take months before the child is moved. To me that is early interest. Im talking about family that wait 1-2 years after the child is removed and ask for the child (I have seen it) and then start getting paperwork ready. To me that is not fair for the child. But it happens and even though I dont agree I work my butt off to make it smooth transition.


Third not all foster parents are here to adopt. There is a lady and hubby that was in our agency, she just retired from fostering. She did it for 30 years (and her hubby too hehe) and never adopted. She would take in hard children. Children that would try to burn the house down. That would threaten to kill them while they sleep. I remember when they told us that they did not see their grandkids for a year, becouse their fs could not be around other children, without harming them. That is not selfish. They gave their lives to these kids and for someone to say they do it only to see what kids are out there to try out a child first is insult twords them. They are amazing. Me, yes I want to adopt. Is this the main reason to foster? Yes and No. Yeah I want more kids, but I love when kids go back and I give my all for kids to return. That does not mean I will not worry over them. And in the mean time if a child does go for adoption and is a "good fit" meaning we can provide what they need then yeah I will adopt them.

The last thing that was said that bothere me. I dont remember who, but someone said a child will be better off emotionally if raised by family. I have to disagree. I know many people who are adopted and are perfectly happy people with no emotional problems. Then I have seen my dd b-mom. Who was raised by family. She was going to be adopted at age five by a foster family, but family steped in at last minute. She is emotional mess. Deeply involved in gangs and drugs. Its very sad. So no just becouse a child will be raised by family does not mean they will be emotionally better off then me raising my ds and dd who are adopted.

To op. Im sorry. I know how hard it is when a little one go. It never get easier. Dont lose hope yet, they need to pass a homestudy. Dont back off loving that child becouse you dont want to end up hurting. My suggestion is love that child like your own. Enjoy every minute. If family is whats best work hard to make a smooth transition for the child. If family does not work out, well still love that child and enjoy every minute. Good luck and keep us posted.

Amen to everything you have stated--I agree with you completely.

I want to state for emphasis that just because it's the bfamily, it's not necessarily the best placement. I totally agree with that.

I just don't want to see children lose a chance to be raised by birthfamily due to 1. paperwork or 2. a foster family "fighting" the placement because they feel this child is a "good fit" for the foster family, and they have "fallen in love" with the child.

I have all respect and gratitude for the foster families I know personally here in Hawaii, and the foster families I have met on this forum. So many children would be lost without you all.

Just have a heart for the relatives that are trying. The time factor is often dealing with the dysfunctional birth parents who will always be there as part of that birth family, the family members who may be arguing and fussing about what is best to do for the child, the SW who does not want the extra trouble and paperwork esp. for an ICPC (in my case!), etc. etc.

Leave room in your heart for the relatives that love the child, leave room for the possibility that the child could have a good life, knowing all the details and history of the birth family. It doesn't mean the foster parents would not be a good forever family, that was never the point.

The point is the child's right to be raised within the birth family when it is safe, physically and emotionally.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by KelleyF

Yes, that is the most important thing. Making sure the child is in a good home and is happy and thiriving. I would hope that after 2 years of the child being with a foster family that in fact is a "good home", that you would repect the child's happiness by leaving them there.
All this talk about "family". A foster family is in fact that...A FAMILY.

Kelly, I respectfully disagree. Yes, of course the foster family is a family. They may become the forever family, but they are not the child's birth family. There is a difference, IMO, and that is a difference I feel needs to be respected.

Many times on this site in different forums it is stated that adoption is a permanent solution to what may be a temporary problem. Two years may not seem temporary in the life of a five-year-old, but when we consider a person may live to age 80 or 90--let's try to choose what may be best in the long, long run.

That difference--adoption by bfamily or adoption by foster family--can surface later in life as you can see on the Adult Adoptees site. Not always--my dh could not care less about begin adopted--but for some it's huge.

[KelleyF]

Originally Posted by RobinKay

Kelly, I respectfully disagree. Yes, of course the foster family is a family. They may become the forever family, but they are not the child's birth family. There is a difference, IMO, and that is a difference I feel needs to be respected. .

I also respectfully disagree. A few months, yes, but a few years, abosolutely not. Aside from how "in love" (as you keep quoting) the foster family is, and aside from any blood ties, the only concern should be the child. Ripping the child out of a home (again) after a year or two could do so much damage that this time around may not be fixable. However, I do believe that it's so important to have some contact with members of the bio family if it is positive. I'm speaking in general terms of course, please don't take it personally and good luck with your case.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by KelleyF

I also respectfully disagree. A few months, yes, but a few years, abosolutely not. Aside from how "in love" (as you keep quoting) the foster family is, and aside from any blood ties, the only concern should be the child. Ripping the child out of a home (again) after a year or two could do so much damage that this time around may not be fixable. However, I do believe that it's so important to have some contact with members of the bio family if it is positive. I'm speaking in general terms of course, please don't take it personally and good luck with your case.

Not at all, Kelly. This forum is about open, supportive discussion.

My case is resolved, our lil guy is doing great. I still have some symptoms of PTSD!! according to my friend who is also our family counselor.

The two years-well, perhaps you are right there, but then our lil guy was in foster care for 18 months. He is fine, really. However, he was older when taken into care and had his memories to support him when he was finally placed with us. The only time he had problems was when he had (2) phone calls with fparents--he had a very bad week, we cut off contact with support of CPS, and he bounced right back. Never any problems not seeing birth parents, it's as though that bond was broken while in foster care. He still knows them of course, and shares some happy memories, but no longings, no asking to see or talk with them.

Getting back to the two years, therapy and a careful transition can get a child past that hurdle. It wouldn't be right for every case, but it can be done. It certainly wouldn't be my first choice for any child, but then I reflect on our case--lil guy was in foster care from just before he was 5 yrs old until he was 6 1/2. With one family for most of that time.

For a child with foster family since birth--those cases are so different from a case like ours-an older child. I would totally support a law that says everybody, including the government, get their act together for infants--if it's not done in a year, leave the child alone!!

As you can see from my strong feelings, things did not go well with the transition to us. We were treated like ****, dismissed rudely over and over as they were convinced the child would be placed with them, and from what lil guy has said, they talked negatively about us where he could hear them. I do not want anybody to go through that--no foster parents should be treated that way, and no relatives should be treated that way.

As many posters have said, everyone needs to listen and communicate for the best for the child.