[MommyAlysia]

1. i have 3 bios, the baby is good about sleeping in her crib and my oldest is PRETTY good about sleeping in his own bed all night(though its a mattress on the floor next to our bed) but my 2 yo has slept with us pretty much his whole life(less than a handful of times did we manage to get him to sleep in his own bed) and I am DREADING the transisiton. We are not ready to start fostering yet (we want a bigger place first) but will it be a problem if some of our kids are still sleeping in our room? I should add that my boys both currently and when we start fostering will still have their own individual beds in their own room as well, they just don't use them(hopefully by the time we are ready the youngest and oldest will be in their own rooms but my middle one is such a horrible sleeper that i have little hope for him). I read in our agency of choice's info packet that foster children can't "move" anyone out of their room so I wasn't sure how this would apply.

2. If you have a foster child afraid of the bath can you 'bathe' with them? i put the quotes because i can't imagine it being aloud if you were both truly bathing(FM not wearing clothes) but if the FM was wearing say a swim suit or even shorts and a tshirt and just in there to comfort the child would that be allowed? my same "bad sleeper" has a always huge phobia of water, i don't know how i would ever have gotten him used to it if i didn't start taking baths with him. Now at 2.5 he can take baths by himself with no problem but he still won't go near a swimming pool, lol.

and lastly...
3.how do you support RU when your fc has been abused by their bioparents? i don't know if their is even an answer for that...I just can't imagine supporting your FC returning to their abuser. I know you HAVE to but i can't imagine how hard it would be. When severe abuse takes place is the goal often RU? It would be much easier(i assume) to support a relative placement.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by MommyAlysia

1. I read in our agency of choice's info packet that foster children can't "move" anyone out of their room so I wasn't sure how this would apply.

I'm not sure about this.

2. If you have a foster child afraid of the bath can you 'bathe' with them?

If the foster child is afraid of the water, bathe him outside the tub with a washcloth. Getting into a tub with a naked child to "bathe" together is asking for an investigation by CPS.

3.how do you support RU when your fc has been abused by their bioparents? i don't know if their is even an answer for that...I just can't imagine supporting your FC returning to their abuser. .

You don't have a choice. This is the child's Mommy or Daddy. The parents, if they complete their caseplan given by the court, deserve the opportunity to raise their children despite their past.

[CaddoRose]

On the subject of our children sleeping in your room: even if they don't sleep in thier room, it is still considered their room. It may not be a problem with them sleeping in your room, but I think that most SW's would question why they aren't in their own room at his age and if you can't get them into their won room, how well would you deal with some of the issues that foster children woudl bring to you. Mind you I'm not sayign that the situation is bad, but some SW"s might not look positivly on it.

No bathing with them. you could find another way to transition them into a full bath. I completely agree with Kat-L. Trying to get into a bath with a foster is askign for trouble no matter what.

On RU: this can be a hard part of fostering. Afterall, the bio abused the child or negelected them and now the court says you have to give them back. The purpose of fostering to provide a safe place for the child while the parents are learning how to parent themselves. Wouldn't it be great if the bios' learned how to parent and a family could be RU? It doesn't always work this way, but RU is what we hope for.

[shycar]

My dd sleeps in our room, for most of the time. Once in awhile she will sleep with her brother. She has her own room, but to be honest she has had so much health problem that we prefer her in our bed in our room. Now she just use to sleeping with someone. The sw know and they never asked why, never made a big deal.

I would not get in a bathtub with a foster child, but you can put one of your kids in with them. My dd bathes with our fd all the time. Our fd was terriefied of bathes, but when I put my dd with her, she was too interested in playing that did not notice the water. Now she loves baths and swimming pools.

RU is always the goal. It is hard to say good bye. One things has helped me is to get to know the b-parents. Once you get to know them you see them as human being that make mistake, yes bad mistake. Many make changes in their lives to have their child back. My fd b-dad is doing amazing. He loves his daughter very much and has made huge changes with his life so he can raise his daughter. It just makes it easier to say goodbye when I know how much he has done to get her back.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

If your other children are sleeping in your room, your foster children are going to wonder why they can't sleep in there too especially those who are afraid of their new "home" or afraid of the dark.....and they can't. So you are setting yourself up for some hard nights.

No bathing with foster children and in my state, children over the age of 4 cannot bathe together. We have always bathed them individually as to not open a can of worms and because they have to learn to bathe alone at some point anyway.

I don't always "support" reunification, I just don't stand in its way. If the parents do all that is requested of them on the caseplan and a judge deems them fit, there is nothing I can do but pray for the kids' safety.

Kim

[Dmommab]

As far as a bio child sleeping in your room it shouldn't matter as long as she has a bed of her own. My son sleeps with us - he has his own bed in his own room & when asked where everyone's room was I simply said this is his room. She never asked where he actually SLEPT but during conversations after the fact we've talked about it & she said she doesn't care if he sleeps with us - just foster children are not allowed to sleep in your bed.
As far as the bath issue I agree - I wouldn't do it. It's an investigation waiting to happen no matter how innocent your intentions are.
Thirdly that is the hardest part of fostering - when you know a child is going back to a situation that isn't good. I just have to remind myself that it's my job to take care of them when they are with me - if the county decides to send them home then it's not my problem. I know that sounds bad but I don't mean it to. guess I'm just trying to say I learned not to worry so much about things you have no control over. Good luck!

[Robbin]

I know my grandson was afraid of the water, and what I did was take off my shoes and socks, rolled up my pant legs and sat on the edge of the tub with my feet in the water to bath him. Was lots easier on my back too!

[greenrobin]

Your kids are your kids. There is no law against your kids sleeping in your room. The US is pretty uptight about the family bed thing. FC are NEVER allowed to sleep with you. In your room if they're infants, yes, but never in your bed.

Sissy was afraid of baths when she arrived. I sat on the bathroom floor and blew bubbles on her with a jar of bubbles and a bubble wand. She loved the bath bubbles and forgot to be afraid. Then we switched to showers which, for some reason, she loved right away.

RU is tough. It's also the first goal most of the time. It hurts when they leave, but you trust that if parents did everything they had to do, they deserve to have their kids back.

[Heyheather]

I agree with PP about the answers to the first 2 questions.

The 3rd question is tough. We've had 2 kids where the abuse was so bad that it went straight to termination without much of a plan to work. Our first placement was a severly disabled child whose mother broke his leg. The other case was our daughter who was burned by her adoptive parents 2 weeks before finalization - it was a relative placement. They never saw her again after bringing her to the hospital.

[MommyAlysia]

If the foster child is afraid of the water, bathe him outside the tub with a washcloth. Getting into a tub with a naked child to "bathe" together is asking for an investigation by CPS.

Thats a good idea to wipe them down with a washcloth. I see your point, i was thinking that if *i* were clothed(tanks and shorts) it wouldn't be a big deal but i wasn't thinking about how bad it looks to be in with a child who is not clothed. When i asked this question I was thinking of my bio son who was afraid of the bath water(even the kitchen sink) as a baby but he did fine with me getting in. to clarify i was thinking i'd mostly only need to get in with a baby who was afraid of the water, i never even considered getting in with a child older than 2yrs(which is about the age i stop bathing with my bios). Do you think it would still be a bad idea if i cleaned them with a washcloth to get them clean but we were BOTH in swim suits in the bath tub to get them used to the bathtub itself? no matter what i would ask the SW first i wouldn't want to do anything to get us in trouble and looking back at the replys there are several other suggestions that it seems would be better to try first so as not to open a can of worms but i am still wondering y7our personal opinion, i haven't even started fostering yet so i am very new to this all. I know the ultimate goal of bathing is to get the child clean and that can be accomplished with a washcloth, i was just thinking it would be a good way to make it fun and help them overcome their fear of bath tubs and hopefully water in general. Maybe i am putting too much thought in into this because my bio son(2.5yo) who was afraid of baths STILL hates water, he won't go near a kiddie pool or a sprinkler or even my mom's jacuzzi bath tub but he will at least take a bath at home alone(or with brother) just fine. he never had a bad experience in the water so i assume he will eventually outgrow his fear of water. its just taking baths/showers is a life skill and i would like to help them overcome their fear sooner rather than later.

You don't have a choice. This is the child's Mommy or Daddy. The parents, if they complete their caseplan given by the court, deserve the opportunity to raise their children despite their past.

I know i don't have a choice and i wouldn't stand in the way of RU if that were the goal. i guess i was hoping to hear that in extreme abuse cases that it wouldn't be the goal (which someone at the very bottom did say happened in her case). I know abuse is a very real part of some(maybe even most?) children in foster care but it seems it would be a lot easier to forgive someone who allowed their child to be abused than one who did the abusing. Though i can't fathom either...

If your other children are sleeping in your room, your foster children are going to wonder why they can't sleep in there too especially those who are afraid of their new "home" or afraid of the dark.....and they can't. So you are setting yourself up for some hard nights.

i agree with that, realistically, my youngest will probably be about 5 when we start and she already sleeps well in her own bed most of the time, my problem sleeper will be 7ish and i can't imagine that he would STILL be in my bed, lol, or even my room. though at the same he is such a horrible sleeper now that i can't imagine him EVER going to his bed... he is coincently my one is afraid of water
i was mostly curious in case we started the process sooner rather than later but as things are we probably won't. i think i'll just make it a goal to have all my children sleeping in their own bed/rooms before we start thanks for your input.

[~*Max*~]

Chances are good you are borrowing trouble where none exists. There are SO many possible issues that your foster child may have - you can't be prepared in advance for all of them, and why waste time on one that more than likely will be at best a minor issue?