[shainamsu]

just a brief background: i have a 2.5 yr old biological child, a girl. we're licensed foster parents for a child aged one year or under. we waited what seemed like forever and when they finally called, it was a sibling group of two. the girls are 20 months and 9 months. they're both sweet, but i am SOOOO overwhelmed!

it didn't seem like it would be that much of a challenge to take both, and even if it was, i figured it was worth it to keep them together. the baby, though, cries constantly, which is expected, but she needs to held nonstop. the two older ones (FD and my bio daughter) get along, but are constantly playing the ("mine", "no MINE!") game.

i can deal with one, but i can't deal with both. i feel horrible separating them or giving them both back, so i'm not saying anything. primarily, my husband and i have grown attached to the older girl, 20 months. the 9 month old, though, is allergic to our dogs, and i feel resentful for not being able to spend time with the other two b/c i'm constantly tending to her.

i know this is coming out kind of raw -- i care for these girls, i do, i'm just so so so overwhelmed right now. has anyone else felt this way? how did you handle it?

[sethsmommy]

We just took in two at once and overwhelmed is a good way to describe how I felt/feel. We have now had them a month and it is starting to feel more routine. How long have you had them?

I asked the same question here and more than one person told me it just takes time. I am sure the girls are very anxious and as they settle into your home, will calm down. 3 little ones that close in age is a big change from one. Just know you are not alone in your feelings.

The most suprising feelings we had was grieving the loss of just the three of us. That is quickly diminishing and we are starting to feel apart of all 5 of us.

Can you hire a mother's helper? I hired a 13 year old girl from my church for the summer. She helps me watch the 2 year old so I can go to the park and focus on the 3.5 year old. Also, she helps me at our Church club we do in the summer. I am always there but she is an extra set of eyes and arms.

[blubutterflies03]

i think whenever u ADD to your family it takes time to adjust. You can't just give it a few days or even a few weeks. I took in 2 in one day, and then one of them left a week later. That was the most FREAKING busy week I have ever had in my life. I lost 5 pounds that week. And then we got 2 more at one time, so then we had 3 fosters and my 2 yr old son. That took time to adjust. It gets crazy wild over here. Sometimes you have to learn to love the good with the bad. Give it time and then follow your heart!

[sarah3015]

I think what you are feeling is totally normal. My husband and I took in our first placement, just one child, back in November, and I felt so overwhelmed and weary all the time. The fighting-it never stopped, a 3 yo, 2 yo, and 4 yo all saying everything is MINE. Every child and family is different and my dh and I are just now starting to feel like we are bonding with fs. IT has BEEN 7 months and we literally had a 30 day letter written and sent last month - that he needed to be moved, 25 days later we are rethinking that decision. Anyways, for us it took a ridiculously long time to all come together as a family and it might take a few days, weeks or even months. I guess in the end you have to do what is best for your family and your situation. But, yes I have been there and it is an awful feeling after being so excited to get licensed and get the first placement!!!!!
sarah

[ATXMOM]

I have felt over whelmed with my placements too. My first placement was new born twins and I thought it would be so much easier if they were older, or if their was just one of them. My second is a 4 year old boy and I have been thinking this would be so much easier if he were younger! I think it is just hard work and we just have to dedicate ourselves to doing it. I do miss my babies now though.

[twotimesamommy]

Hi,

I read your post and had to reply. I too have my very first foster placement with me now. He's 1 1/2, my bio is 9. I'm single and doing it alone. The first few weeks I wanted to throw in the towel - it was too much. My foster son has been with me now for 3 months and I'm still tired, and I miss my independence since he naps and needs alot of attention. SW says he can go home in another month and I look forward to it. Now, having said that let me also say, I prayed and asked God for strength. I love the laughter in my home with my little FS and my bio and I are constantly amazed and truly grateful to have him here. Yes I will miss him when he's gone, I plan to take a break - then take another child. My point is, allow yourself to admit your tired, overwhelmed, exhausted etc. It's okay. Try to find your routine and know that each day really does get easier. My FS is so destructive and so hyper, I just stay mindful of the fact that he goes to bed by 7:30pm, and I hang onto that. Whatever you decide to do, don't beat yourself up. We're learning our way and the path is not always clear.
Good Luck!

[mama-2-3]

I have taken in 2 little ones at a time before and, along with my own little ones, it was quite overwhleming, but it did calm down after a while. Once they had a good routine and everyone felt comfortable, life just flowed. I will admit, though, that I was very close to throwing in the towel as well. I am glad I didn't though because the siblings got to stay together.

[shainamsu]

thank you all so much for your replies. i think someone completely hit the nail on the head when they said they were grieving the loss of their family of three. that's exactly how i feel. every night, i cry b/c i miss my bio daughter SO MUCH. we've only had the foster girls for less than a week, so i know that it's natural to feel this way, i'm just....at the end of myself, i guess.

we can't have any more kids, and so the past couple of years, we've been going on and on about how awful it is that we only have one, and how we wish we could have more. originally, we said that we would take in just one young baby, and we should have stuck with that. my husband said tonight that he thinks that we were just naive in our thinking and so excited that we just took whatever came at us first instead of standing our ground. and i know that it's not these little girls' faults, they're great, it's just too much for us. we knew it would be too much for us to take it two, yet we did it anyway.

we're determined, though, to stick by our commitments. we committed to doing this, and it's not like a shirt that you don't like and you take it back -- these are actual children who need homes, and we'll work through it until it's resolved. we just keep praying that God will work everything out, knowing that He has a plan in all this, and that we're part of it.

the matter may be out of our hands, though. we found out today that the youngest is lead exposed and has problems breathing. we have dogs and, as i mentioned earlier, it looks like the pet dander is aggravating it. we just got some medication for her to see if it helps, but if it doesn't clear up by monday, our agency is going to put them in a home without pets. i hate that they would have to be moved again, but it might lessen the breathing problems and she would be healthier....

*sigh*... anyway, we'll see. we're totally new at this, so this is more of a venting post, i think, than anything else. thanks for all who are reading and offering insight. it helps SOOOO much.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Sounds like things may work out for the best. It is very hard to decide what you are willing to take on and then stick to it. My husband and I originally wanted girls only....we have taken 4 boys. We said we wanted respite and emergency placements.....and we took a long term placement that we disrupted after 7 months. He would have been in our home for at least a year and we should have stood by our original decision. SO don't feel alone. It is hard to say no, but just keep telling yourself that you have to be true to YOUR family and that they must come first. Don't do like I have been known to do and focus so much on the foster children and their problems that your own children take a back burner for too long and you feel like a lousy parent. That is NOT what this is supposed to feel like.
Kim

[KelleyF]

I also felt very overwhelmed when I first got my current FS. He was 3 months old and cried all the time, as well as waking up every 2 hours in the middle of the night. I got a snuggly to carry him around in all day so I could still get things done. I also brought the stroller in the house and pushed him around in it until he fell asleep. It took about 2 months for me to get him in a good routine and now he is doing great. He is happy all the time and sleeps wonderful. I think once you get the sleeping part down, they are much happier when they are awake. And yes, I thought about calling the CW many times because I didn't think I could handle it, but I gave it time and I'm so glad I did. He's a blessing.

[wannafostersoon]

I applaud your honesty and strength, and I don't fault you at all for feeling overwhelmed or for accepting 2 children when you only planned on one. You sound like a wonderful mother who truly wants the best for all your children. I like what you said about God's plan and being a part of it. I truly believe that. God introduces people into our lives for a season. Sometimes that season is lifelong, sometimes only for a few days, but it's always for a reason. Those little girls will be as much a blessing unto you and you will be onto them. Good luck with your next placement. God bless you!

[Robbin]

Oh My Gosh!!! I know just how you feel! When we got our first placement they called with two kids, Joseph and Mary. How can you say no? hahahah. Anyway, the first night, we got everybody to bed and we went to sleep. At 2am, I sat straight up out of a sound sleep and said, "What have we done to our family?!?" I couldn't breath and had a total panic attack. My husband was great, and said we were in in this together, and would make it through, they were just kids. He stayed home with me the next day and, consequently, got fired when he when he went back to work. But you know, he found a better job within two weeks and everything did work out, and we wound up adopting 3 kids 5 years later.

[AKMama]

I too know exactly how you feel. My first placement was for two kids only 10.5 months apart. They were just turning 16 months and 5.5 months when we got them. The youngest cried all the time, day and night. She wouldn't sleep for more than 45 minutes at a time. Found out she was allergic to the formula the birth family had her on which was causing terrible stomach pains and constipation. The older one had untreated pink eye and was terrified of our dogs and screamed and clung to us anytime she saw them. Like you, we were so completely overwhelmed. I selfishly wished for our old life back. I wished for sleep and quiet time. We called the SW and asked to have them moved. The supervisor called and said to take the weekend to think about it. By Monday they had a new home available, but we couldn't let them go. We stuck it out, took one day at a time, got the medical issues resolved, and slowly but surely things got better and we fell more and more in love with them. We adopted both girls 13.5 months later. You just never know what can happen. At the same time, know you are not alone and your feelings are completely real. I wish I'd known about this website at that time. I really felt very alone. Take one day at a time, and ask for help or just someone to talk to.