[ranoutofnames]

About three weeks ago I was talking to my cousin and he mentioned "Now you are going to be a REAL mom". Of course it came right after mother's day and I was still an emotional hormonal witch from the "non-mom" category of the America's Favorite Mom contest.

He went on to say there is no way you can feel the same for an adopted child as you can for a biological child... of course he feels he's the expert because he has one biological child and no adopted children.

I was so mad at him I politely told him he was completely wrong and that I didn't want to discuss it with him anymore. I haven't talk to him since.

I felt devistated about the conversation... it's actually his wife that is my cousin but they have been a couple for 30yrs (since I was 8yrs old), I don't remember life without him being a part of it so I call him my cousin too.

They are DH and my main support on EVERYTHING. They live on the other side of the state (8hrs away) and yet we email and call all the time. They drive all the way here just to see us because they know how hard it is for us drive to see them. They recently bought a camper trailer so they could go camping wih us. If we ever had financial troubles they would be the first people we'd go too. They have even offered to give us (not lend, GIVE) half the money if we'd consider buying the family homestead and eventually move there (that would be over $60,000 from them). I just can't fully explain just how important they are to us... so the hurt of what he said cut especially hard.

We had asked them to be the Guardians of our children if something were to happen to us. We had also asked if they would be willing to take the kids for some time if something were to happen to me to give DH some time to get emotionally prepared to take on parenting on his own. They said they would without a moment of hesitation.

Now I can't help but wonder if we made a mistake. We chose them because at the time we felt they could love our children the way we'd want them to be loved, and raise them the way we'd want them to be raised. They are also the only relative we have that is more financially set than we are... we wouldn't want our children's inheritance to be a source of abuse. DH side is COMPLETELY not an option and I only have one other person (my brother and his wife) that we'd consider.

I was so hurt I didn't say anything to DH until this past weekend... I mean I didn't know how to tell DH that the person he values even above his own family said something that goes totally against what we believe. Something I knew would hurt DH terribly.

I did finally tell him and he kept trying to excuse it away. At first he said "I'm sure he didn't mean it THAT way". I told him more of the conversation and it was becoming more clear to where DH couldn't excuse it away. I then approached him that maybe we need to reconsider having someone else be named to care for our children.

Am I wrong? Is it unreasonable to want to consider someone else because of these feelings? I believe that if anything happened to us that my cousins would definitely ensure our memory is honored. I have no doubt they love our children and would be able to love them. They would provide for our children and ensure every opportunity is available to them. They'd also make sure our children stay connected to both my and DH family.

Is that enough? I don't know. I'm still so hurt... but I think my hurt is more based off his challenge of my ability to love an adopted child with the same intensity and genuine love as I could have for a biological child.

What do you all think? Am I just overreacting to one careless comment that was based off of stupidity. Am I being overly hormonal... I am at week 33 of this pregnancy (my one and only)...

I look at my daughters and honestly I can't imagine a greater love. I hold them close and breath them in deeply, my heart races with the love I feel for them. How can anything be greater?

FYI: I'll also be posting the same thing under General Adoption.

[athikers]

Wow! That is difficult. Even without the pregnancy hormones, it hurts my feelings! I would be concerned a little that they might treat your non-bio children differently. But, then you could also look at it the other way... have they ever treated your kids with anything but kindness? And don't we all know you can't really "get" adoption (or foster care) until you've lived it? So, are they the type of people that would "get it" once they had the kids?

[MamaS]

He was insensitive and you are hormonal. Since you have a long and loving history, I would wait it out. See how they are after your baby comes. See if they treat your older children differently (less well or less important) than the baby. If so, you might want to make some changes. If not, chalk it up to "brain in neutral and mouth in drive".

[KelleyF]

Originally Posted by ranoutofnames

He went on to say there is no way you can feel the same for an adopted child as you can for a biological child... of course he feels he's the expert because he has one biological child and no adopted children.

There it is right there. He is only assuming because he has no idea what it feels like to have an adopted child. I'm guessing he was trying to feel the excitement of childbirth with you and said the wrong thing without really thinking it through. Obviously this is very painful to you and it's too important not to discuss with him how you feel about it. I'm sure the last thing he meant to do was hurt you. Talk it out with him and see where it goes before you make any decisions about future caretakers for your kids.

[JessicaBaker]

IMHO it's just ignorance (the not knowing kind, not the jerk kind).

You just love your kids so much, it's hard to imagine loving other kids that way. Heck, I worry that if I ever had a bio child that I wouldn't be able to love them as much as my adopted daughter.

[Lumpkin]

I too used to think that an adopted child would not have that same connection, and that you'd never feel the same love for an adopted child. But even now, before we've even moved forward with the adoption, my heart melts with love I never thought I could feel for another child.

Give him time and he'll understand for himself. If the time ever came that he had to care for your kids, he'll know different than he does now.. don't you worry about that!

[stevenstwin]

I agree with KelleyF - I really think that someone who has never had an adopted child really *can't* understand that the love is exactly the same and just as deep as the love for a biological child. I think he blundered and was very insensitive, but I wouldn't rush into changing guardianship. I'd talk to him (both of you together) and tell him exactly what your concerns are....but I think that if he was put in the situation he would find that he really is able to love your kids as much as his own.

[ranoutofnames]

Everyone posting has truly helped and I'm feeling better... I should have posted WEEKS ago!

I'm sure I'll be seeing him in the near future and will spend some time talking to him about how what he said hurt my feelings.

He doesn't seem to treat my children any different than I've seen him treat his neices... if fact he seems more bonded to my kids.

Truly I appreciate everyone's postings!