[HthrRenee]

I just heard from the girls' caseworker that a relative has come forward from out of state. She is a licensed foster parent there and just finalized adoption for a two year old. When my caseworker mentioned that the girls are with a foster family who is more than willing to adopt, she said she didn't care they are family. While I find this admirable, I don't understand why she is so adament about the girls staying with family when no one bothered to do the same for the other three children the birth mother has lost custody to already. They don't currently have a relationship, but that is most likely due to distance and the birth mother's actions.

I have never felt such pain in my life. I love these two with all of my heart as does my family and friends. I know I've only had them a little less than two months, but I let them take over my heart completely. Sitting here listening to them laughing and playing with each other I don't know how I can live without them in my life. I'd be more than willing to maintain contact with family members not involved in drugs. How does one present this idea to someone on the other end? I am sure they love their nieces with all of their hearts, too. Would it be so horrible if they remained an aunt and someone else got to be their forever mom?

Since the family member is already a foster parent, how long do you think it will take before they move the girls?

Sorry this is so disjointed...I had to stop and feed them lunch.

[ranoutofnames]

A lot will depend on whether bmom is doing any of her case plan. If she is even kinda working on it then chances are they won't move the children out of state to a relative.

In addition, the receiving state doing the ICPC really impacts the process... but since she's a licensed foster parent she already has an agency involved and can probably move things faster than someone not already in the system.

[hkolln]

They will have to complete an ICPC which can take awhile. The state you are in will request a home study from the state she's in also. Since they are licensed already then it may speed it up.

Have you asked to speak to the relative over the phone? Maybe just getting to know them may help keep a relationship going between you and the kids (if they decide to move the kids to the relatives home). I wish our niece's previous FP's would have been positive about us coming forward instead of fighting us from moving her. It would have made it alot easier on our niece with her transition to our home and I wouldn't feel like I can't trust them right now. All they had to do was pick up the phone and call us and speak to us...instead they closed that communication down and hired an attorney.

[committedsoul]

Okay... I had to chime in on this one...

JD is a relative of mine and I live in Maine. JD was in foster care in NJ.

I was also a liscensed foster parent at the time the ICPC was started. In my case, it sped things up GREATLY. The ICPC paperwork was officially sent to Maine in May and approved by Maine in July. JD was moved to me on August 1. We will hopefully be finalizing his adoption by the end of this summer.

I was (and stll am) in constant contact with JDs fmom prior to and during the ICPC process. His Fmom hosted visitations and even allowed me to stay in her home while I was visiting JD. She was an awesome inspiration. She had JD for the first 3 years of his life and told me that deep down she loved him, but felt that since he had family that could and wanted to take care of him, she felt that was where he needed to be. And, no, I did not "come out of the woodwork" as some might think. It took me 3 years of battling MY OWN FAMILY to get to where I am today... with my soon to be son...

His fmom remains an active part of his life. When JD was placed on August 1, we went back to her home in NJ on August 22 to have a proper goodbye visit. She had invited all of her extended family and everyone that had loved and cared for JD for those first years of his life... it was a great thing. We will be going down to NJ to visit her and her family from June 29 - July 3. We are looking forward to it.


Oh, and in my case, my cousin also lost 3 children before JD. They are with their grandmother.

Please go into this with your heart and mind open to all possibilities.

In the long run, you will be glad you did... in my case, I ended up with a whole lot more family to lean on for support. I can call Miss Z for anything...

Committedsoul

[HthrRenee]

Birthmother is still MIA and doesn't know she even has a case plan much less working one. She has active warrants out for her arrest so she is laying low. She lost custody to the first three of her children due to the same issues with the ones I have now...drug use and leaving them with any warm body she comes across for extended periods. They were not adopted by family members.

The birthmom is very young and has already permanently lost custody to three children, is on tract to lose custody of the twins I have and their slightly older brother who is in the care of either his birthfather or his family (CPS not involved). Multiple members of her family have lost permanent custody of children and the state doesn't consider any one of them as viable placements. The aunt that has come forward for the twins lives in another state (VT), so hopefully that branch of the family hasn't fallen prey to the evils of meth, etc. I don't know why she wasn't located before so the siblings could have remained with family as well. Since she is a foster parent who has very recently adopted herself, I am confident the girls would be raised in a positive environment as long as they limit contact with the family members who are involved with drugs (a large portion of the immediate family).

I followed each of the pp stories and am very happy things have worked out for each of you. I told myself as I read your posts that should I face a similar situation I would not needlessly fight it. If I wholeheartedly believed their great-aunt's home out of state would remain a positive environment throughout their lives, their moving would be much easier. Of course, I know nothing about her - only the mulitude of family members I've located while trying to fill out the girls' family tree. It's amazing what all you can find on the internet - especially MySpace. Their birthmother apparently caught on and has since set her page to private, but not before I was able to save pictures from the day they were born. I just have to remember that simply because a majority of their family has had brushes with the law, it does not mean this particular aunt has. She may the one person in the whole group who has her stuff together and if so, I commend her for taking on foster children in addition to her extended family's problems.

I'm not going to pitch a fit and beg that the girls get to stay here with me. I would love to have the opportunity to add my own family to their lengthy tree, but if it isn't meant to be, I will definitely work with the great-aunt in transitioning them to join her. I am very thankful that due to a change in jobs I was able to spend every minute of every day with them since they were placed here. Unfortunately, that has come to an end as I will be returning to work next week. I thought having to enroll them in daycare was hard, but that is nothing compared to the possibility letting them go forever when I feel like these truly are my babies.

Thanks for your replies and encouragement.

[Heyheather]

The twins' grandmother came forward right away in our case but it seemed to all of the involved workers that she was doing this for her daughter (biomom). Grandma didn't request a visit or call to see how the girls were doing. The ICPC was started anyway and it turned out that the receiving state refused to provide services to the bioparents so the judge in our state ruled that the girls stay here. If it ever goes to TPR grandma's noncontact may be a strike against her according to our CW. We have a review hearing on Wednesday - even though it's a review I'm nervous for the girls' sake. Bioparents don't seem to be working on the harder parts of their plan - housing and income.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by HthrRenee

I just heard from the girls' caseworker that a relative has come forward from out of state. She is a licensed foster parent there and just finalized adoption for a two year old. When my caseworker mentioned that the girls are with a foster family who is more than willing to adopt, she said she didn't care they are family. While I find this admirable, I don't understand why she is so adament about the girls staying with family when no one bothered to do the same for the other three children the birth mother has lost custody to already. They don't currently have a relationship, but that is most likely due to distance and the birth mother's actions.

I have never felt such pain in my life. I love these two with all of my heart as does my family and friends. I know I've only had them a little less than two months, but I let them take over my heart completely. Sitting here listening to them laughing and playing with each other I don't know how I can live without them in my life. I'd be more than willing to maintain contact with family members not involved in drugs. How does one present this idea to someone on the other end? I am sure they love their nieces with all of their hearts, too. Would it be so horrible if they remained an aunt and someone else got to be their forever mom?

Since the family member is already a foster parent, how long do you think it will take before they move the girls?

Sorry this is so disjointed...I had to stop and feed them lunch.

I am writing to you as I was the out-of-state relative. Our ason's foster parents had had him for a year. As you can appreciate, they were much attached and they claimed he had bonded to them. Unfortunately our ICPC took almost a year--it was so unfair to us, to the fparents and mostly to our ason.

As other posters have mentioned, the birthparents actions and lifestyle limited our contact with our (now) son, and limited contact with them. The infighting and family drama was horrific just to have us make the decision to come forward and offer our home to our young relative. Drug abuse and alcoholism and the rest of that dysfunctional lifestyle impact more than an immediate family/children--it spreads negative stuff to everyone, even the non-dysfunctional adult members.

It's possible that these little girls' aunty was fighting a battle similar to ours. Please don't interpret the timing or what happened to the siblings as her not caring--you don't know what is going on in her life. Give her credit for caring enough for young relatives that she will make a lifetime committment to keep them in their family.

Please look at the posts by adult adoptees. They may give you a new perspective. Please don't let your desire to have a family take precedence over the needs of these children.

Finally, you asked how quickly the girls might be placed with aunty. I'd think soon--it was our homestudy that took forever, and her's will likely just need updating for the ICPC (Interstate Compact for Placement of Children).

Continue to love and care for the girls, but look at them in the context of having a family that loves them. They didn't just get delivered to you by an angel--there was a wide circle of pain and agony that caused them to be taken into care. Placement with aunty may heal some of the pain that is in their future.

hkollen--I hear you. I think you must be a nicer person than I am--my dh and I finally just cut off contact with foster parents. They were so negative about us and so sure he was theirs, heart and soul. If their attitude had been different, they might even still have him. Their negative attitude caused us to get an attorney. Their lack of support for our ason to have contact with his bsister was a big factor also. We went into the situation with an open mind--but over the year fparents had him, they were completey closed to any contact with us or birthsister despite urgings of sw and therapist.

Try contacting aunty--maybe you can build that bridge of communication.

Word of advice--do not imply you are a better placement, because in truth, you do not know that, especially since you've had them such a short time. Maybe aunty just needs reassurance the family won't lose all contact.

[HthrRenee]

Robin,

I appreciate your post. The one thing I am thankful for is the fact that the aunt is a foster parent and has recently adopted. To me, that means the states really won't have any reason to drag out the investigative process necessary before moving the girls. If they are to be with their family, the sooner they get to join them the better. With the great distance between the states, visitation would be next to impossible. The longer they stay with me the deeper their attachment will be. I'd rather they spend those months attaching to the family they will be spending the rest of their lives with. The first five months of their lives were spent with no one particular caregiver. They don't need more disruptions.

I don't by any means feel my home is superior to anyone else's. I simply know the environment and that I've been blessed with family members who don't skirt the law and cause unneeded drama and stress. I pray I never am faced with the issues the aunt is having to deal with knowing I am still related to those causing the problems. I know you don't stop loving someone simply because they make bad choices and it is a difficult decision to have to avoid them when they do.

[RobinKay]

Originally Posted by HthrRenee

Robin,

I appreciate your post. The one thing I am thankful for is the fact that the aunt is a foster parent and has recently adopted. To me, that means the states really won't have any reason to drag out the investigative process necessary before moving the girls. If they are to be with their family, the sooner they get to join them the better. With the great distance between the states, visitation would be next to impossible. The longer they stay with me the deeper their attachment will be. I'd rather they spend those months attaching to the family they will be spending the rest of their lives with. The first five months of their lives were spent with no one particular caregiver. They don't need more disruptions.

I don't by any means feel my home is superior to anyone else's. I simply know the environment and that I've been blessed with family members who don't skirt the law and cause unneeded drama and stress. I pray I never am faced with the issues the aunt is having to deal with knowing I am still related to those causing the problems. I know you don't stop loving someone simply because they make bad choices and it is a difficult decision to have to avoid them when they do.

Thank you for allowing me to share my story. I can imagine what a wonderful home you would provide for these children. I hope the aunty will appreciate you!!

I will add my prayers that God will give everyone guidance in this important life decision. Thank you again for your kind, thoughtful response to my post.

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by HthrRenee

With the great distance between the states, visitation would be next to impossible.

But it can work! Our niece was in foster care for 11 mos with the previous FP's in Idaho...we are in Florida. We have trip to visit them coming up this Saturday! They were part of her life and we can't change that. They took great care of her, loved her as their own, and then had a hard time letting her go. For that I understand and I thank them all the time for loving her like they do. For this, my husband and I both feel, that contact for them would be good for our niece. She knows it's just to visit but it's something we wish to continue as long as they can be positive about our adoption and her move to our home. I have always wanted the best for our niece. It has been a long road but you can have contact even over many states...calling and writing and visiting. We may not be able to go every year but we have invited them to visit us here also. So as long as you can put aside your emotions (this was hard for them in the beginning and we had to cut off contact for about 6 months) for the kids sakes and make the transition and relationship positive then I don't see why you can't have a relationship even though it may be far away...we have done it

Another thought...my husband has family that skirts the law and his mom and dad did drugs while he was growing up (Mom would sell stuff to get drug money and leave him to tend to his younger brother and sister). His 1/2 brother has 3 DUI's and his sister is living near poverty with 2 kids. His other 1/2 sister (our soon to be daughters mom) was in jail for 16 mos for drug possession. My husband, at the age of 17, decided he did not want to live like his parents and joined the Navy....that changed his life! He made that important decision to not be like the others in his family. When he wrote his bio for the home study he felt bad because of all the negatives in his past and felt like people would judge him for that. I told him he was the survivor and he has succeeded! He has a great job and stability and never once did drugs and he doesn't even drink! How can they look down at that! So just because his family is dysfunctional didn't mean his life is too. It's the choices you make in life that can really turn it around!

As for our niece we tell her "Your mom made the wrong choices to put her where she is now. She is unable to parent you and keep you safe so we are there to take over that job. She loves you very much!" We leave it at that and it seems to make sense to her.

[tvs4]

I just wanted to also add that you might want to ask to speak to the aunt. We were in the ICPC process to take a cousins baby ( and I totally echo that the family DRAMA was CRAZY!!!) when the baby was placed in foster care. It was a slow moving process and we asked the social worker many times "Is the current foster family foster only or do they want to adopt" because as former foster parents we felt that if the baby had bonded to his foster family (the ICPC process was taking like 6 months) and if they REALLY REALLY wanted to adopt the child that we seriously considered "backing out" and trying to maintain a semi-open relationship with the foster family so if in the future they needed family info or contact we could provide it.

The aunt might be on the same page. she might be willing to take the child out of a feeling of obligation to the family and the child but might also be willing to consider leaving the children placed with you if she could have some contact and if she knew that you were VERY SERIOUS about your intent to try to adopt. It might be worth a phone call.

[KelleyF]

I'm wondering if the bio mom has any say in who she would like to adopt the child. I know in this particular case she is MIA, but if she were to be in the picture, can she pick who she wants the baby to go to?

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by KelleyF

I'm wondering if the bio mom has any say in who she would like to adopt the child. I know in this particular case she is MIA, but if she were to be in the picture, can she pick who she wants the baby to go to?

They can't really "pick" but they can voice their choice to DCF and the GAL. Our SIL voiced her feelings about our niece coming to live with us and since our niece and her biomom were very attached it helped somewhat. DCF and CASA felt the transition would be easier if my SIL supported it and the move. At the goodbye visit my SIL voiced how happy she was that our niece was moving with us and that my husband (her brother) was a very kind soul. Ultimately DCF made the final choice along with CASA and then the Judge.

[mommacass]

Originally Posted by HthrRenee

I have never felt such pain in my life. I love these two with all of my heart as does my family and friends. I know I've only had them a little less than two months, but I let them take over my heart completely.

I love the way you said that you let them take over your heart. I know exactly how you feel. T was with us for 2mo but she stoled all of our hearts. I think about her everyday and pray that I will see her again. I believe that the reason I have not bonded with K is because of my love for T. Even though we could probably adopt K I don't think it will happen and I also believe that we will no longer be on the foster/adopt journey. It is just to hard. I feel like my boys are paying the highest price for my desire for a daughter.

MommaCass

[HthrRenee]

I feel much more at ease about the situation today. Don't know anything I didn't know the other day, but I guess I am more at peace with whatever will be, will be.

If they do leave, my heart will undoubtbly break into a million pieces as will many members of my family. Mom, in particular, has fallen head over heels with the girls. Neither one of her two kids have given her grandchildren yet and she most definitely feels as these two are her first grandbabies. I simply want what is best for the girls and I know a higher power than myself knows what that is far better than I.

Helen - I was referring to visitation to allow the great-aunt a chance to get to know the girls during transition. Hopefully we will be able to work together as well you have in your case. I already have tons of pictures I've been saving for the birthmom should she ever surface. I took some of their six months portraits with me when I went to meet their caseworker and ended up giving the mom's pictures to her and their CASA worker (LOVE him, too). I have others I can forward on to the great-aunt now when I find out how to do that.

On Monday, I did email their caseworker and requested she ask the aunt if she'd be willing to allow the girls to stay here and let her know that I am more than willing to maintain contact/visitation after adoption. I haven't heard back, so I don't know how she feels about even asking her. As much as I like their caseworker, I kind of feel this new development has really throw a kink in what she thought would be a fairly easy case. I hope the caseplan is determined before she has to leave for maternity leave.