[Mystik]

I'm really in need of some help with this situation. I opened the doors of "letter writing" communication with *A's* bio mom shortly after the new year. I thought it would be nice to be able to let her know how *A's* doing, her favorite things, newest achievements, etc. and she seemed to appreciate it. However since then she seems to write me at least once a month to tell me all her concerns & to ask me for things.

Examples:
"Why isn't *A* walking yet?" (when she was 11mos old)
"Please send me a can of formula so CPS will let me start my unsupervised visits?" (uhhh no, you have to prove you can provide that yourself)
"Why do they have to sedate her for an EEG and how do they plan to do this?" (She was 13 months old & needed to be able to hold completely still for the entire test)

Anyways, the latest thing is that she has written me wanting the next dates & times of *A's* Doctors appointments because she wants to attend, and she gave me her number and has requested mine so she can call to talk to *A* on the weekends. She's barely 14mos old, she barely knows how to hold a phone let alone listen or talk on it! So this is really not an age appropriate request.

I told the CW "No". All of this makes me terribly uncomfortable and asked her whether bio mom wanted to go to the appointments to support *A* as her mother or to fight with the doctor over the recent diagnosis's that *A* received of Epilepsy & FAS? The CW thinks the mom most likely just wants to fight the doctor, but isn't really sure of her intentions and said we did not need to let her come as we have a right to our own confidentiality.

I am now seriously considering stopping the lines of letter writing communication because I feel like she keeps trying to put me in very awkward positions where I end up being just another person saying "No" to her. I hate being that person, but her needs are not my priority, only *A's* needs. Yet I feel like I have an obligation to respond to her letter with these requests and I simply cannot think of a neutral sounding way to say "No" which is making me consider just ignoring it completely and letting the CW give her an answer. I feel like I've opened a can of worms that I can't put away again I simply wanted to be compassionate and let her know how her daughter was doing with a monthly update or something and she doesn't even care. It's just all about what I can do for her. Does that make sense?

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by Mystik

I'm really in need of some help with this situation. I opened the doors of "letter writing" communication with *A's* bio mom shortly after the new year. I thought it would be nice to be able to let her know how *A's* doing, her favorite things, newest achievements, etc. and she seemed to appreciate it. However since then she seems to write me at least once a month to tell me all her concerns & to ask me for things.

How are letters going back & forth? At visits? I would still stick a short note in the diaper bag: "A started walking this week. She loves green peas" and other things that are short & sweet. Maybe stick a picture in the bag. At the end I would mention that any concerns she has about A's doctor appointments or development should go to the cw. After that, anytime she says "Why isn't A ____?" just respond, "Please address any concerns about why A isn't ____ with the caseworker. Thanks".

That way Mom will still get updates but she won't be able to drag you into any conflicts. I definately wouldn't recommend giving out a phone number. I did that ONCE and I would never do it again. It was a disaster.

[bethy724]

The CW should be the one communicating A's progress, likes, dislikes to bio after checking w/ you. No private communication, all communication should be part of the file. Asking why an 11 month old isn't walking shows bio's knowledge (or lack of) of child development. This should be known to the cw, lawyer & judge. CW needs to step in & go over the rules for communication. Her request for formula shows her lack of responsibility & this should also e known to all parties involved. Bottom line: all communication should be part of your fd's file therefore needs to be passed thru the cw.

Good luck

[Mystik]

The letter's are sent back and forth via the transporter/supervisor and I always make sure to forward my letters to the CW for approval prior to sending them. The CW is aware of everything I write to the bio mom and I always notify her of everything she writes to me. I keep all the letters also in case anything ever comes into question.

I think responding that the bio mom address any of her questions or concerns to the CW is a great idea and would probably be for the best.

[chevyjewel]

I'm the same way you are Mystik, always trying to consider the child AND bio parents feelings in this crazy process, almost to a fault I must admit, and it can at times make situations sticky.

We transport to all of our kiddos appts and visitations so we get quite a bit of bio parent contact. We speak to them directly AND I write little update notes and send pictures of their kids as long as it's case appropriate. All of our previous case workers have supported and even encouraged that. Don't feel bad about it as long as your case workers have given the go ahead with that sort of contact, and for goodness sakes alive don't stop it just because of a few (very) irritating questions, even if they are driving you crazy. Having that level of compassion towards someone in such an awkward situation is a GIFT. Not all foster parents can deal with bios like that, it's hard, I know! But the extra tidbits gained from the additional communication could be invaluable to the case. In the end I definately think it helps everyone more than it can hurt so if you can, keep doin what you're doin and document and report your contact as needed.

That said, I completely agree with Kat.

I use the, "I don't know, do you want to ask the CW or should I" line A LOT. Some bios probably think I'm a moron because every other sentence of mine is that but it's useful when I really don't know the answer or simply don't feel comfortable answering. They usually catch on quickly and start going straight to the CW instead of me that way anyway

[ranoutofnames]

If it were me I'd just silently stop the letters all together if the letters were not assisting in reintegration... which it sounds like they weren't.

It was a nice gesture it just doesn't sound like the parent utilized the communication to aid in RU efforts.

[twinflana]

I tried to keep communication open with the parents by means of my cellphone. I always figured if they bothered me to much I would just change the number. It worked well for many of the families. One parent did have a habit of calling 30 minutes late so her son was already asleep but I just wouldnt let her talk to him and would tell her call at 7:30 like we agreed. My last foster son's mother was a real pain in the butt and as soon as we adopted him I did change my phone number. But for the other 20 some families it was nice to keep that communication line open.

[tvs4]

I don't think you need to give her a phone number for a child who can't talk on the phone. that seems like common sense.

As for the doctors visits, she is the child's mother (until a court rules otherwise) and I would encourage her to come to the doctor visits. Even if you suspect another motive - maybe she needs to hear it from the doctor. Maybe she needs to hear the doctor say "your child has X,Y,Z" rather than her it from a CW or from you. Most people respect doctors and will listen and believe what they say. Also in many places the mom will have to be the one who signs for medical concent to any procedures for the child (yeah, they can go to court and get a judge to sign but for most "elective" stuff they will want the parents to sign) so having mom "on board" with the treatment might make it easier for you in the long run.

Some of the other questions don't seem all the odd to me. Lots of people have NO grasp on child development and lots of kids do walk by 11 months and some people might really not know why they need to sedate a kid. So, I think I'd have to cut her some slack on those questions.

I don't think you have an obligation to communicate in writing to the mom. You can just stop sending notes and you can always tell her you need to ask the CW for some of the answers.

good luck!

[jjjjmom]

Curly top and bunny boy's mom is like that. It didn't last very long. I have no patience for parents who had their kids taken away and then get mad a the foster parents. Every time she wants to say something to me I tell her to call the social worker. Of course I talked to the SW before I started doing this. It works for me.

[zoeymnstr]

I found a note in the diaper bag after a visit that read "Do not turn me in. I would just like to know how my kids are doing. Please call me at XXX-XXX-XXXX.
I asked some other foster parents and they said that it was not aloud to have contact with the bio parents outside of the visits. So I decided to ask the CPS worker myself and she said that as long as I was agreeable to it, I could give the bio mom my cell. Since then we have had numerous discussions via phone and she has gotten to "talk" to her kids(they are one and two so not too much talking going on there). I realize that not all counties are like this. Since forging a tentative friendship with the bio family, they have asked me on numerous occasions to meet them off site without CPS being their but I just have to tell them that I cannot jeapordize my license. You just never know what kind of people you are dealing with. We could get to the location and they could try to take the kids or turn around and tell CPS that we broke the rules. It's better to be safe than sorry.

[athikers]

I think whether contact is or is not allowed varies widely based on where you live, what your child's situation is, your own comfort level, etc.

We do not have a choice but to have very close contact with one of our kids bios due to his medical needs. They need direct information from me at every visit... four times a week! I won't lie, lately, it is driving me crazy. I'm the one who's been "in the trenches" with their kid for nine months now and they treat me like crap. Its frustrating.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Just an FYI: Many caseworkers encourage and are open to communication between bios and foster parents NOT because it is in the best interest of the child but because it frees up more of their time that THEY were spending on the phone or in person with the bios. As my husband and I go further on this journey, we have found that the workers in our county will do just about anything to NOT do their jobs.

I know it is not this way everywhere, but it is THEIR job to keep up with bios' progress or lack thereof. It is also their job to keep up with the progress of the child and report it to the bios and judge.

I think taking them out of the loop and doing a lot of private communication between bios and foster parents is detrimental to the case. It makes their job easier AND makes our jobs harder as we communicate with the bios about the kids, communicate with the caseworker about the kids, communicate with the caseworker about the bios, and communicate with the kids about the case direction and what their future holds etc. I don't know about you, but I don't have that many free minutes in the day.

Just my opinion.

Kim

[Gentin]

I guess every state is different - in my state the bio parents are allowed to go to any doctor, dentist or other medical appointment no questions asked. As for communication - I was asked by my CW to call the mother 1 time a week to give her updates - I used to drop my FD off to her and we talked then but with the new schedule I can't do that anymore so I call her. I was asked by the GAL if I minded and I told her no I am not afraid of the mother - she is harmless. The other thing is we are at the start of TPR and the more I am kissing up to the parents the better!!!!!

[Mystik]

Thanks so much for all your replies. I'm so relieved where we are that our confidentiality is pretty well respected. The CW said she didn't want me to feel pressured by any of this at all. She was very understanding and actually said "I don't want you to feel pressured about any of this. It is not in any way your obligation to meet the mother's wants or needs. This is about *A* and her needs. Maybe the doctor will be willing to discuss her observations and diagnosis with the mother via a telephone call or letter. The mother does not need to be there to get the results." So that's really a relief. I just am not ready to meet her at this point and I don't know if I ever will be unless it accidentally happens or something, but I think I would be outraged if we were *forced* to meet like this. We have rights, the bios have rights and as the SW said in respect for *our* privacy, the mother does not need to be *with us* to obtain the results.