[fredr2005]

I'm not able to have children anymore, but my wife is. We were lucky enough to have 1 child 8 years ago while we were young. So we have agreed to adopt using the Foster Care program. Both of us were excited, and went through the classes. I had agreed on 1 child to foster.

Well we got the call asking if we'd take a sibling group of 3. I said no immediately, but my wife wouldn't take no for an answer. She finally convinced me to at least meet the children. After meeting them, I agreed to take them. Since then (a week ago), I have been really depressed. We went from 1 kid to 4 instantly. They are pretty good kids (however, a lot louder and busier than my 8 year old), and I feel like I should be really happy, but I am not. My stress level has gone up too. I constantly have butterflies in my stomache, which is causing it to hurt most of the time now. I feel the relationship with my natural son has declined as well. My wife and I have fought because of my attitude. She is claiming I don't spend enough time with the kids, or don't help out any. Don't get me wrong, I love these kids, I just feel like in comparison to my son, I could never feel the same way about them. Thats one thing that is worrying me. My house is constantly a mess, and the rooms in my house I felt like I could goto for comfort are now filled with kids. Will I soon be able have the same love for them as I do for my son? Will these butterflies go away? Am I the only one who feels this way?

Just looking for support and encouragement. Thanks

[sethsmommy]

Oh boy, do I understand! We recently went from 1 to 3. This has been a huge change for us. We are intending to adopt these two so we are commited and commited to the work it will take to get them functioning well. We all grieved at first. I grieved a bit longer. I missed just the three of us. There are events that will still trigger that. We have only had them over a week. This has stretched us and challenged our unconditional love. No easy task, but like I said we are investing because we know they will be ours to keep. I have a great new respect for those who just foster and really work hard to help these kids. Just know that you are not- not alone!!

[hkolln]

Have you spoken to your wife about this situation? It's alot to go from 1 kid to 4 kids overnight! Wow...that's alot of work. I went from 1 to 2 and that was alot.

Another thing-you have only had the kids in your home 1 week, right? It's still new and you won't instantly bond or love them...give it time. Our niece moved in with us almost a year ago and we're still learning from each other.

But I would have a heart to heart with your wife. She should understand and support you. Hang in there!

[ranoutofnames]

I remember my first placement... we went from 0 kids to 3 kids overnight. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! My sanity went out the window. Prior there were no toys or baby stuff in my house, overnight I suddenly had two baby cribs, dolls, swings, etc all over. My once peaceful home had shouting, crying, and little feet EVERYWHERE. My clean car now had 3 car seats and stuff (how is it an otherwise clean child suddenly leaves a mess around the car seat?!?!)

There I was, one week into the whole mess absolutely positive I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. What had I gotten myself into???? I nearly called the worker several times to let her know this wasn't for me.

DH and I were so exhausted we would fall into bed, no intimacy was occuring anymore we were just too tired to even care to connect.

After two weeks we went out on our first date, leaving the kids with a babysitter. DH commented that if the babysitter would have agreed to all night we would have gotten a motel... to sleep!

At a month I was so exhausted I became sick but was bound and determined I could make it work. I'd done it a month, I was not going to be defeated!

In all honesty, at 6 weeks the kids and us had all settled into a routine together and it became much easier.

Now, several years later and over 100 children later I can honestly say for me, it's much easier to have several kids rather than only a couple. Things are in a different perspective. I can honestly say "thank goodness it's Kool-aid on the carpet and not blood"... life is so much different and I wouldn't want to change it for the world.

[fostermomintx]

I understand what you are going through...a little. I had already adopted my son and it was months before I got called for another placement. I was so used to it being just him and me (I'm single)...then I got a call for an 11-month-old that would probably be going to an aunt. Well he never went to an aunt and then while in care his little sister was born and I took her too. I swore I would never have more than 2 kids at a time after the last time. (I previously had 2 other kids for ONE DAY (besides my son) and just squeezing the 3 car seats into the back of my small car was an indication that I didn't need more than 1 kid.) I soon settled into have the kids I have now and it's all become routine. I also didn't feel very close to my fson until about 6 months ago (he's been with me a year) and now I couldn't imagine my life without him and his little sister. Their case is hopefully coming to a conclusion next month so I'll know then whether they'll be staying or not.

It just takes time for everyone to adjust. Discuss this with your wife and let her know what you're thinking and feeling. I'm sure she'll understand and she just might be having some new and different feelings now that the kids have been in your home for a week.

[bethy724]

You don't "have" to fall in love w/ your foster children in a week!!! It took you 8 years of building, nurturing & developing the relationship you have with your son-there's no possible way you can create or expect that with children in a week-DON"T beat yourself up. Anybody that could have a child (or 2) a week & be in love with them is lying to themselves & the children. When my son came to me I was SCARED!!! not in love not even in like. I allowed myself my feelings & grew to love him (& him me) You had 9 months to fall in love w/ your son & 8 years to be where you are w/ him today - a person couldn't possibly love another person overnight-it doesn't happen.

Good for you to come here for support & advise. I'd suggest you request respite care for a few weeks from now so you have something to look forward to & plan w/ your wife & son-she must feel overwhelmed & confused w/ her feelings also - maybe she's not feeling an instant bond but acting like it for the sake of the kids.

Good luck & keep us posted-your in a safe place to express your feelings & not get attacked.

[~*Max*~]

I have to confess I never did fall for my foster kids. I cared about them and their welfare and cared about their parents but I think having the mindset from the beginning that they WOULD be going home (their mom was very committed to reunification, as was I). I think it is ok though...I worked my hiney off to provide a good home for them and get them to all their appointments and spent lots of time playing with them/reading to them. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to feel more before you are ready.

[enchansin]

Any relationship needs time to build..
Give it time..
At one time We had 2bc 2fc & 1fgc
and I was like what have I gotten myself into..
We were always on run and seemed me and hubby never could have 5 min together
without one child or another needing something....
after a few weeks it was routine..
We even started to take in respite kids...

[vernellinnj]

Don't set unrealistic expectations for yourself. For most of us, "love" takes time. At least for me.

Talk to your wife about your feelings and just give it time.

[waitingtobeamom]

We went from 0-3 kids overnight as well! It was quite a challenge! Our house too was always a mess and for the first month and a half dh and I never even got a chance to sit down and relax at night until after 9:30. Hang in there it will get better. Things will settle in and the house will get better. Then there will still be days that are tough but hopefully you will find it is all worth it.

[Heyheather]

I agree with all of the pp advice. We went from 5 to 8 kids right now with the last 3 under 2. It's an adjustment! I would stress that the foundation of your family is the relationship with your wife. Make it a priority to get out regularly. My DH and I go out at 9 most Thursday nights and go to a local restaurant that offers half price appetizers so we go out for less than $10 and just an hour. The littles are in bed and my 14yo can handle anything at that point. I admit though that most of the time I feel too tired to go out but it is so worth it to just do it.
Hang in there!!

[blubutterflies03]

and we went from having only having our 24 yr old daughter, my 2 yr old son.... (the rest are on their own) to now also 3 fosters. It was crazy insane at first. My house was loud, toy-strewn, stains from drinks on the sofa, dinner allover the chairs and under the table. I had to take a broom to sweep the food when I had a placement for one week w/ a 1.5 yr older.

It takes time to bond, especially with a child that is not a baby.

good luck and I wish you well! you are doing a wonderful thing!!

[JessicaBaker]

I really want to drag my husband to the computer and have him write a response to you. However, I have learned I can't force him to do things.

From my experience it is sooooo hard for me as a woman to say no to any child who needs a home. My husband has a much more rational and thought out approach.

We have a 2 yr old adopted daughter and a medically fragile foster son who was about 7 months when they called with 6 month old twins, one of whom was also medical level. Despite how crazy I knew it would be I would have said yes. My husband, thankfully, put his foot down and said, "Absolutely not!"

A month or so later we got a call for baby girl who was legal risk. It has been a great fit so far! I am so glad we didn't say yes to the other situation! I know it would have been too much.

So although it's too late this time (and there may not be another time) tell your wife that she really doesn't have to say yes any time they call. It's better to take on less than you can chew than more!

But do talk to her about how you're feeling and don't let resentment toward her or the children build. Your family will adjust and love will grow.

We're all glad you stopped by for advice.

[AmyAnne]

My husband suffered through Post-Placement Depression as well.

[Scrapsathome]

Boy do I know how it feels to not have any place to relax in your own home. I've learned that even the bathroom isn't a hideaway. The minute I step into the tub I can expect between 1 and 3 kids to knock on the door for one reason or another. I've had to carve out a place in our home that I call mine where children are NOT allowed to go. It's my scrapbook area. Maybe you could have a designated room or place in your home that is off limits to little ones? I have a friend whose husband calls his special room his "Man Cave" where he can watch sports or play video games in peace for an hour or so once in a while.

DH and I also occasionally sit all the kids in the living room, plug in a movie, and sneak off to our room with the door shut just to have 30 minutes to talk about our day or make plans for the day. We also try to have a once a week date night although it's not any certain regular day. Lately we've been dropping the kids off at church for choir practice and the little ones in the nursery, and taking off for a 30 minute date at Starbucks on Wednesday nights after I finish with band rehearsal.

Look for small ways that you can reclaim some peace and sanity and try to remember that "this too shall pass".

Jess