[snc2007]

My fd is about to be 4yo. She has been with us since January. We are hoping to finalize the adoption by the end of the year. We were slow with the bonding in the beginning but things are great now. She is still talking about her previous fm and f brother on a daily basis. Whenever she gets upset about anything (not getting her way mostly) she cries for him and it is so sad I cry. I know she is manipulating me a little but I can also tell when her tears are sincere and it breaks my heart. I believe she was in the mother role with him and I know that they slept together and she fed and changed him. (This is part of the reason she was moved from previous foster home to us.) Her cw suggested trying to arrange a meeting with f brother, who has since been ru'd. He is just 2 yo and I'm not even sure his mother would agree to it.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Sam-N-Tony]

A 4 year old mother in a FOSTER home.... WHAT!!! That's just disgusting... ok back to your original post... I think it might open up a whole new box of worms, emotionally for her to see him again or it might really help her knowing that he's ok. Considering that she has some attachment to previous foster family.

I think it makes a difference in what his current circumstances are. If I were you I would suggest talking to a therapist about it first and see if he would think it's beneficial to her emotional state.

[stevenstwin]

I agree about being cautious and talking to a therapist. Honestly, my gut feeling is that this would not be a good idea, since her attachment to him seems to be very "parentified". How long was she with him?

[ranoutofnames]

When A1 was 3 1/2yrs old we had some children moved from our foster home suddenly and I know she grieved when they left. She hadn't been their caretaker but she was their foster sibling, her attachment and love for them was more than DNA... just like her love for us has nothing to do with DNA.

She grieved real emotions. I was glad she could have emotions of such a deep nature (some kids can't after abuse).

Those prior foster siblings re-entered our life when A1 was about to turn 4yrs (they were RU'd with their mother) it was the best relationship and situation. She now has her "sisters" back in her life and the girls mother and I have a very good relationship. I even let A1 stay overnight with them.

I'd suggest contacting the child's mother (since it sounds like you know how to contact them) and meet with her. If she's open to contact then it might be good for both of them. She might choose to not want any contact and then your concern becomes a moot point.

[snc2007]

I don't know the specifics but she was in the home for 18 mos. I believe that he was placed shortly after her and he was ru'd a few weeks before she was removed.

I am on the fence about whether it will bring her peace or just stir things up for her. I really want to help her through this and as strange as it sounds I believe she is feeling the way I feel when one of our kids goes home. When one baby was ru'd after about 5 mos. I thought that the best thing was to never see him again and just move on and let go and let him forget us. His father stopped by a few weeks later and we visited for about an hour. It was the best feeling to see that "our baby" was actually where he was supposed to be and it really helped me to move on. I know it must sound ridiculous to compare our situations but this little sweetheart is very advanced.

She has just started to see a counselor and I will definately get her opinion.

[snc2007]

Ranoutofnames - your story is very helpful to me. Sometimes things do work out. I actually don't know anything about this other family. I can ask fd's cw to contact fbrother's cw to contact mother and see if she is willing to talk. We'll see what happens!

[ranoutofnames]

I'm so glad sharing my daughter's experience was helpful.