[mygirls12506]

Our Story
In Nov. of 06 we took in a little girl who was almost 3 months old. She had alread been in care with an aunt since Sept. of 06. She had some neglect and poss. abuse. For almost a year and a half I treated her like my own (like most foster parents do) she went everywhere with us and our own daughter. Up until April of 08 her mom was doing some work to reunify. From the time she came into our home until Feb. of 08 her birth mom would have visits starting with supervision and at the end having unsupervised. In Feb. the state decided to send her home to her birth mom for a trial period. This trial period didn't go well and the little girl was placed back into my home. In April when the little one came back into my home, the state told me that I would prob. be able to adopt her, which is what I have always wanted. The birth father isn't capable of taking care of her and is still having only one supervised visit a week for 2 hours. All other family members are not in the picture except the birth father's mom. She has seen this little girl prob. 10 times since she has been in care (it will be 2years in Sept.)
All of a sudden out of the blue, she decides that she wants to raise this little girl. Let me tell you that this women's life isn't all too stable either. I just can't believe that this women wants to all of a sudden take this little girl out of the only stable life she knows. The little girl has always called me momma and my husband dada. Am I just being selfish when I say that the little girl is way better off staying with the only real family she knows?
Also, i wanted to know if anyone has ever filed a motion to be an intermeter? I am not sure if I even spelled it right. Any advice will be helpful. Thanks so much.

[LoViN_LiFe]

Sometimes I cannot believe that they allow cases involving children that small go on for so long! We were told our case would not go over a year unless there were very very special circumstances then there would be a 6mo time frame (she was 4 months in March 07 when we got her....we should finalize adoption within next few months)! Here is the thing...if bio g-ma is not stable...then there is a good chance she will not pass homestudy. When we were going through that bio gma on dads side said she was going to fight for baby (whom she NEVER tried to see the whole year we had her) she never did anything...so the threats may be empty. Our attorney told us that if another family member was to try and challenge us adopting we could have a physcologist observe us with the child as well as them with the child and see whats in the best interest of the baby...that may be an option for you as well. Have you intervined yet? We were allowed to intervine after she had been in custody a year (TPR occured the week we would have intervined tho)! Good Luck!

[Mystik]

The bio mom of our lil *A* said that if she for some reason failed RU then both maternal and paternal grandparents were willing to step up to get *A*. This concerned me big time as *A* has been with us for just about 14 months now and it will be 18 months most likely by the time they review this all again in court. I have spoken to a few different CW's asking how that will play a part in our being able to adopt *A* should it go to TPR and grandparents step up. They have all basically said if family members didn't step up in the beginning and let it carry on this long without ever getting involved then they didn't stand a chance because the judge would be looking at "best interest" and the time with us would outweigh the zero interaction blood relatives. Of course they would still be allowed to attempt it, and even have homestudies done, because they have every right to do those things and CPS can review them, but when the recommendation goes to court and the judge is looking at the case the relatives stand little chance by not having gotten involved from square one, which they had every opportunity to do. Heck they were all there in the hospital with bio mom when *A* was born & CPS apprehended, so no one can even claim that they "didn't know".

You're case *may* go a bit differently however... because 10 visits even if it were stretched over 2+ years still shows that this particular relative was expressing interest. It's such a frustrating situation and I can completely empathize with what you are going through. I hope the judge in your case really takes into consideration "best interest" as well and that this little one will be able to stay with you being the only stable home she's ever known.

[Hadley2]

You are probably really hurting, and you clearly do care about this little girl a lot.

However, "this woman" is the little girl's grandma. There are many different ways to view her stepping up now, and whether it would be in the best interest of the child to go with her or not, many of those ways absolutely do not have to be negative. She isn't jumping up just because she suddenly decided that she wanted to grow her already-grown family with a little one and have the pleasure of raising another child in her older years. She isn't "threatening" you or the child out of any kind of malice...at least, it is less than likely--if there were that kind of misplaced hostility/pride/ego, you'd have been subject to it already. She is "stepping up" to "do the right thing" by her family.

So, she doesn't have to be bad for you to disagree with placement with her. Knowing that frees you to have an honest heart to heart with her.

Relatives don't step up sooner for a host of reasons, including being told not to, sometimes, by social services, or being told to wait and see how the parent does, or being pressured by the rest of family...for one reason or another, sometimes taking the child during the fostering is seen or felt to be a betrayal of the parents' efforts. I never saw it that way, but some people do.

Anyway, if you can free yourself of the feeling of being put upon, threatened, or wrongfully dealt with and come to this woman from the perspective that she is a caring person trying to do right, you just might be surprised by how willing she is to listen to your thoughts on best interest.

She may listen and set them aside, feeling that a lifetime of family outweighs a year of attachment. Or she and you may work out a middle ground that includes both families, at least to the point that the little girl knows them a little, knows who they are, knows they wanted her, etc.

It is hard to know what will, in the long run, do less harm to any particular child--because no matter which path is taken, harm will be done. We all like to look at the therapists for answers, but they don't always have crystal balls, either.

Your reactions and feelings are perfectly natural for a mother who has bonded to a child. It is really hard to rise beyond those feelings and reach out to someone else who is a threat to your happy world even when they are not actually coming to you from a threatening place. Good luck, I hope all works out well for the child, you, and the family.

[tvs4]

I agree with Hadley. There maybe reasons that the family member didn't/couldn't come forward to permanantly take the child sooner. We are foster parents and recently ran into a scenario in our own family where a cousin's baby was placed in foster care. We tried to step up and take in the baby into our home ... long story short, we have now been told "nope can't have him" and he remains with a foster family b/c they want mom to work a specific plan. So, what happens in another 18 months when they decide that mom's plan isn't working... well, we just have to wait and see. Sometimes family really wants to to the right thing but are not allowed (by social workers, other family dynamics, etc). So, if I were you I would try to talk to the grandparents and see how they really feel. Maybe they will be willing to let you raise the child if you allow some contact (letters, photos,etc). I know in the case of our family member that if in 18 months the plan for RU falls apart and the foster family of the baby said "hey, we love him, please let him stay with us" although we are his family there would be a very very high likelihood we would just back out and give the foster family our blessing.

Maybe to rest easy at night they have to at least say "they tried" to "get" the little girl - even if they know in their hearts that it isn't the best placement for her.

I think if the plan is really TPR that you should ask the SWs if you could talk to the family. I agree that children should most often stay with the people who they have developed a bond with -since to me that is what it really means to be a family (not just shared DNA) but for now, until you have all the information, I would try to go into it and not make the grandmother out to be a bad guy yet. Approach her with respect and kindness and maybe she won't move to have the child placed with her.

just my 2 cents.