[Jensboys]

We had baby J from January 2006 through to late January 2007. She was 13 months old when she left. She has been gone 15 months and is now almost 2.5. She left with EXTREMELY little warning. Went to a visit at grandma's house for an evening and never came back (had been voluntarily in care for the year). Grandma decided babe was "too attached" to us and cut off all contact.

Caden was 4.75 when she arrived, 5.74 when she left (age 7 now). C had a VERY hard time when J left, but in recent months (I would say the last 2-3 months) he has been grieving very much for her. When we arrived in Disney last month, within half an hour he started sobbing that she was supposed to be with us (triggered by the fact the server at the restaurant we stopped at had the same name) and that he missed her. There have been several other instances of tears, including this morning when he cried into my shoulder about missing her so much.

We deal with this by agknowledging his pain. That he misses her, that he loves her very much. We let him buy her a gift in Disneyland (and personally deliver it to J's grandma) . We talk about her frequently and several pictures of her are still up in the house - including a large one he wanted over his bed so he could say good night to her each night. This morning he wanted to look through our album we have of her.

PART of this might be the fact he knows I still miss her (saw me crying on Mother's Day) and hears my grief. PART of this is that we have seen her several times recently from a distance and he JUST DOES NOT understand why we cant talk to her, touch her, be with her. (grandma wont let us). He doesnt "get" yet that people can be mean or unreasonable. He just misses "his baby J". He is also VERY sweet and sensitive with a big heart.

I guess I just am surprised at his level of pain still, 15 months later. And also realizing that maybe I was so wrapped up in my OWN pain that I really didnt fully absorb that for the boys -- especially C - he lost a SISTER. Its the same to him as if he has lost a baby sister to death - except she is RIGHT THERE and we cant do anything about it.

The older 3 boys understand more (esp foster care etc) and I THINK that maybe C's grief is because he is at a new phase of development? BUT I am not sure.

I want to honor his love and grief for J, but at the same time help him to heal. I dont want this to be a life long scar of the sister he loved and lost. And I dont think the story is over yet either - deep down, I think J will be in our lives in some capacity again.

Its just SOOOOO hard that we see her still. Yesterday. Last Saturday. The Sunday prior. From a distance. Never to touch her and still ... its HER.

Such a different situation than a traditional foster care situation, and very hard that she is just around the corner from us. BUT I imagine I cant be the only with with permanent kids that have sufferred when losing a foster sibling.

[paigeturner]

Jen,

I'm so sorry to hear about Caden having such a tough time. I remember when you took little fsis into your home and hearts.

I have no advice or words...just (((hugs)))

[Jensboys]

Originally Posted by paigeturner

Jen,

I'm so sorry to hear about Caden having such a tough time. I remember when you took little fsis into your home and hearts.

I have no advice or words...just (((hugs)))

Thanks Paige. I miss you !!!!

[lucyjoy]

This has got to be so hard.

This sounds hard/harsh but he's little and to help him understand, you may need to explain it to him in such a way that implies she was never really yours. (I know, your heart says different) Keep telling him she was meant to be with you for a little while but had a family to go back to.

The other thing, any chance he's concerned that because this baby left, that he might leave? Any chance he feels responsibility for her leaving? Kids process things very differently then we do and sometimes get things in their heads and forget to tell us.

Too bad grandma won't allow contact. That would help so much if he could see she is okay and still visit. It's so sad what people do to kids.

Hope you find a way to help your son.

[Jensboys]

thanks Lucy -- to my grown up head I would think he understood that but its probably worth revisiting. Mom and grandma were regulars around our dinner table for that year. We still have mom over fairly regularly (16, addict and living on streets). I think he just thought of her as "ours" as in communally they were our family too, she was "ours" and everyone lives happily ever after all together. He's one of those kids that has never met a stranger, you know? Super friendly and ALWAYS thinks the best.

Part of the struggle is that babe IS NOT in the best situation, and he knows it. He has heard enough of the concerns and knows of the past issues etc so I think also, SOME of this might be worry. Worry that if he was able to visit her and know she was "ok" would probably be alleviated.

Its the seeing her from a distance that kills him, and he just cant comprehend why her grandma would be "mean".

[pandatj]

Jensboys-
Is he old enough to write and draw pictures? Some of his pain may be deeper than the surface shows. he could be angry... In therapy, one thing they would tell him is to write out his anger. Let him say whatever he wants. If he is angry that he cant see her, maybe he would write... "And I am soo mad that I do not get to see you anymore. I do not understand why they took you from me..." Sometimes just recognizing his pain isnt enough. He needs to be able to recognize when he is sad, angry or upset. And he needs to know what he can do to help relieve that pain/frustration. If he is better at drawing... Tell him he can draw a picture of anything... (In the case of our Fdaughter, she was sooo angry, we let her write and draw what she wanted. It was not appropriate for school or for other children, and she would never talk that way to them. however, in this case, she just needed to vent.... And words like... Bit## and idiot and things like that came out. Although we would never condone these words, we told her this was the only place she could do it, she was safe and she would not get in trouble for being angry... and that she needed to partner with us.) It helped relieved some pain. They need to release other wise they blow up...

Have you told him why she was taken? I was told along time ago... My husband and I were the reason for our AD's anger. You could imagine my shock and defensiveness... Everyday she would go to the mail box and wait for a letter from her birthmom.(3yrs had passed.) It would never be there. We always said, it was lost, or maybe she mailed it today... What we didnt see was that we help her create a fairy tale. We needed to let her know that birthmom hadnt written and that we do not know if she will ever write.

He needs to know where to place the blame of his anger. At Gramma... Not himself... And it sounds like that is what he may be doing.

Good Luck!!! I just want to squeeze him. {{{{HUG********

[Jensboys]

I posted this on another board and got a similar suggestion about a book of letters/pictures for Baby J and I like that.

Also, I think Caden has a hard time with anger and you are right -- being angry at J's Grandma is probably a healthy thing for him to feel. We cant understand the WHYS of her behavior (she is mentally ill) but we can be mad at them and thats not bad.

[Sam-N-Tony]

Have you thought of having your son go to therapy. I think it will help him deal with it better, especially being able to speak about with a person who is not familiar. Even at 7, therapy could be very beneficial.

[Jensboys]

thanks for the suggestion.

I currently have 2 of my older sons in therapy, and will pursue that option for C if this level of grief continues without a doubt.

we DID have a good talk about the "ins and outs" so to speak of the situation. I think it was Lucy who suggested that maybe he didnt understand or remember the WHYS of how we ended up with J and why she left etc. In fact, she was right. I assummed he knew, and of course we have been open about it, but his understanding at 5 is very different than now at 7. so?? What we went over everything again - who Baby J's mom was (in his mind that was her sister because she is so young!) and why J's Grandma did what she did and that there was nothing mommy or daddy could have done to prevent it etc.

He is still very sad and missing J but also maybe a bit angry now at J's Grandma - -I think thats a healty emotion for him to process.

[Sam-N-Tony]

I think it is healthy for him to have those feelings. It shows that he definately has the ability to attach, but you might find without therapy he may have future attachment issues to other potential foster/adoptive children.

I'm just a avid pusher of therapy and thinks everyone should have a therapist but that my opinion.