[jennymac527]

Hi! We had our first child placed with us and she is 19 months old and has been with us for a little over a week. She is as smart as a whip and I am beginning to see that she knows how to manipulate adults and can be a bit sneeky. I have 4 bio children, ages 10, 7, 3 and 15 months. The older kids and our little FD get along just fine. The issues arise with my FD and my baby BD. If I leave the room, our FD literally attacks our BD. Pushes, shoves, hits and bites! The older kids tell me what has happened. I have only left the room for about 30 seconds - to answer the phone, etc...but she doensn't miss an opportunity to get to our BD. When I return, she is all smiles and sweet and "pats" our BD very gently on the arm. Any advice? I think she is just exerting some form of control, since her life has had so little of it ... but I'd like very much to not have our BD take the brunt of it - I guess I am looking for ideas to positively channel these feelings in such a little girl.
Thanks!

[Sam-N-Tony]

Ok, even at that age they know what they are doing and are doing it intentionally. I would suggest maybe not having the kids too close to each other just in case fd does actually hurt bd.

Honestly, that is pretty age appropriate and of course she has some jealousy issues because there is another child in the home very close to her age. Especially if she came from a home where she was an only child. She now has to share your attention. Make sure you give each child individual time, so they understand that they are still getting positive attention from you.

This might be something that will work itself out. Usually if you put a child in a day care setting they go through an adjustment phase where they will bite, hit, push and eventually will stop.

Even at 19 months they understand a lot. So if she hits your bio, then bring all attention to the child that was hit. Hug and kiss their boo-boos and seem very concerned. If the fd does not got any attention she will realize that everyone else is getting attention but her. And when she is appropriately playing with your bd, then praise her, I like that you are playing nice with __.

It's only been a week, she should ween out of it. In the meantime keep an open eye at all times.

[Kat-L]

"Faith" and "Cara" were both 20 months old when placed and both bit other kids. It's their outlet when overwhelmed and frustrated. And both kids only bit when I wasn't watching. They ARE smart! I agree with Sam-N-Tony. Make a fuss over the injured child while ignoring the biter.

[chevyjewel]

We had this happen with our last FD. The second I wasn't watching she would attack our son. I quickly learned I just couldn't leave them alone together for even a minute. She was 2, he was 3. It was tough even then and she started going after him right in front of us. We (and her therapists) attributed it to her being a single child with a mom that was obsessed with spending every second with her (no exaggeration, mother and child were extremely co-dependent on each other). It was hard for her to adjust to the world not revolving around her every second of the day despite our best efforts to make the transition as easy as possible.

We treated the attacks the same ways Sam-N-Tony's mentioned for as long as we could but in the end, we ended up having her moved because the distress she was causing our son was beginning to be too much for him

[blubutterflies03]

My son who turned 2 in March is the one GUILTY of hitting and shoving the 6 and 7 yr old fosters. I thought it would be the other way around....that goes and shows me. He gets jealous and sometimes in just an hour span he will hit and show 15 times. I tell him first time to say he is sorry, 2nd and more he goes in time out. I love the idea of putting all the attention on the person who got assaulted. I am going to try and see if that works at my house.

[jennymac527]

Thanks for the feedback. I think our FD is VERY used to being the center of attention, but I do think she will adjust to being part of our larger family in time. I guess, because she is our first placement, I had a preconceived notion that she'd be, well, neglected - not overindulged! I think the previous poster that discussed a previous co-dependent relationship accurately describes my situation. Our FD is pretty young, and entering the "2's", so I think a lot of her behavior is really right on target - and we will work through the rest... Again, thanks for the feedback.

[~*Max*~]

Originally Posted by jennymac527

...I guess, because she is our first placement, I had a preconceived notion that she'd be, well, neglected - not overindulged!...

I had this thought with my kids too...how wrong I was. Not that there was not some neglect - medical to an extent and educational - but she was a loving, overly protective mother in many ways. I think she felt some guilt over the effects on her kids of her drug use during pregnancy and did not encourage them to do anything for themselves. My foster son was 8 1/2 and she still actually tied his shoes. And from the huge struggles he had with being accountable for anything, I suspect she did a great deal more for him. And my little one was almost 3 and could not even put duplos together or remove her socks. Having to teach my kids to be more independent was the last thing i expected as a foster mom!

[jennymac527]

Everyday presents its own unique challenges, doesn't it? Today we had a war of the wills...I almost lost :-) I had everyone home today, as the older kids had a day off for an in-service - and decided to take everyone to the playground. Our FD was miserable and didn't want to play - so she threw a tantrum for about 1/2 hour. She had just had lunch and a nap, so it was really about not wanting to be at the playground. She is fighting hard to have my undivided attention 100% of the time. She cried about every 5 minutes today - I was with her all day- and didn't leave the two babies alone at all. Our FD just got mad about everything I did. If I gave a drink to my older child, she cried. If I went to the bathroom, she cried. If I smiled at her, she cried. Wow - I am tired! As I said before, I have 4 bio - kids, and I have been through some tantrums - but today wiped me out! Let's see what tomorrow brings! My hubby has the kiddos right now (LOVE HIM) - and of course she is being an ANGEL for him! I hope we can get into a groove soon~

[chevyjewel]

You sure you didn't end up with my Sweet Pea????!

What you described was a typical every day day with her. I totally sympathize and hope it gets better for you guys soon!

[ALfostermom]

my new 2 year old fs "G" keeps pushing and hitting my other 4 yr old fs. His too is a case of not getting a 100% attention. His mom just had a baby 2 months ago and he is extremely jealous of him as well. I have to keep a very close eye on "G" because i am scared he is going to hurt one of the other boys. he has never been in daycare and daycare is having issues with him as well. It has only been two weeks and i am exhausted....

[jennymac527]

I am feeling really tired too! Hang in there - and thanks for your support... Our FD cried all through breakfast because I was helping my 10 yr old with her hair!!! Not used to all the crying and tantrums -- ear plugs?

[Sam-N-Tony]

use IPOD and don't forget to sing and dance, that really riles them up.

Hang in there.

[chevyjewel]

I LOVE Sam-N-Tony's suggestion!!!

Playing little marco polo type games can help too if your ears and patience aren't too worn out. We started with Sweet Pea saying boo! and then disappearing for a quick second and coming back. Then we'd disappear again and peek back and say boo-boo! which she thought was HILARIOUS so she started saying boo-boo back. When I got busy with one of the kids and she'd start getting riled up I'd hollar boo! at her and then she'd come back with a boo-boo and start giggling hysterically. We'd go back and forth like that for as long as it took to keep her calm. It helped when I had to do things like pee, or run down stairs to throw a load of laundry in. That way I was still engaging her but it freed me up to do other things at the same time.

[jennymac527]

That is great! I guess I was sort of doing that...when she was in her high chair I'd go behind a wall and come back out and say, "I go... and then I come back..." with a big smile... but I really like the BOO game - When I go upstairs, I've been yelling down to her, "I am right here buddy" ... but making it a game sounds better, thanks! I have to work today and so she is with my babysitter (and my other baby and 3 yr old) today. She has been there 3 times and cried the minute we got to her house. Today, she cried for just a minute and then gave me a kiss and said "bye mama" ... I think she is getting the point that I come back - poor baby!

Again, thanks to all - everyday gets better!

[pandatj]

oh, we have a little one who does this... Grr... sometimes I want so scream... But instead I went to her therapist and brought this behavior up... She gave us mad cow... It would work with any animal, so long as it is not a monkey, since they look like kids. And it cannt have a baby looking face. Everytime you see her doing this, or you see her signals, you have her bite, hit or throw the soft cow. It is her mad cow. biting is a form of aggrevation on their miscommunication. So, when she can not communicate have her take it out on the cow. Have you tried speech therapy with your Birth-3 program, early intervention. They work on problem solving skills for these little guys. Might help.

Good luck!