[tylind23]

Skater occasionally has tantrums. Nothing all that serious, in my opinion. If he doesn't get his way, he will get mad, yell, and slam the door to his room. After about 10 minutes of pouting, he's fine. Usually when he does this, I just ignore it. I figure if he's not getting attention from his actions then he will stop. And, like I said, the worst thing he's ever done during a tantrum was slam his bedroom door. Should I do more? Should I ground him or something for his attitude? My mom thinks everything I do with him is wrong and thinks that I shouldn't put up with his attitude and need to nip it in the bud. I try to understand that with everything he's been through a little attitude now and then is normal. What do you all think? If the behaviors don't escalate, do you think it's okay to just let him cool off and then talk to him about what's wrong or should I punish him after the fact to help teach him his behavior is inappropriate?

[shavon]

I think you are doing fine, I have a screamer and would love to trade places with you with the 10 minute tantrums my fds fits can last upwards of 2 hours. I just ignore her too, she is very strong willed so it takes her a while to accept that she isnt going to get any attention from her fits. she only does it when she is in trouble and dont want to accept the consequences of her behavior like standing in the corner for 6 minutes so it usually ends with her sitting on her bed screaming at the top of her (very strong) lungs lol. then she still has to do her corner time.
hang in there only you spend the days and nights with him and know what works for you so I wouldnt worry about what others think.
hope this helps in some way
shavon

[Sam-N-Tony]

That's how it started for me too. I was getting the same reaction from my family when Investigator would go into one of his tantrums, most would last 10-20 minutes but the longest ever clocked was 4.5 hours. I would ignore and ignore, then ignore some more, sometimes it worked better than other times. For my fson, ignoring did not always work, his behavior would escalate until he was able to get a reaction out of me, of course, I had to react when he was threatening to hit another child or throwing large objects and moving furniture. I think I maybe the almost worst case scenario but it got really bad in my house and eventually we had to have him moved to a therapeutic house.

I always wondered had I nipped it right in the butt from the beginning, would he have respected us more and not called us every name in the book during one of his rants or thrown or tried to destroy things in my house.

It sounds like your coming out of your "honeymoon period" since he's been there a little over a month. I think you should tread carefully and try to let him have his outbursts but yet still have a timeout when he is calmer.

I had behavioral therapists come to my house on a weekly basis and they have told me what to do for every scenario and to me IMO after a while it didn't seem like they taught me how to teach a child to respect me. I understand the process of positive parenting and I do believe it works (it does with my own son) but with the older foster kids, they don't know where you draw the line and will push you until you let them know that that behavior is unacceptable. I think your fson is old enough to understand consequences. You might want to go over some rules with him and set boundaries, let him know that if he is upset, he may go to his room without slamming doors etc or yelling and if he does DECIDE to do those things then he will have to pay for the consequence. Which could be a different things, having him write out specific rules so many times, or timeout, or loss of computer, games etc. Once the boundaries are set up, which you should do it with him and write it down (of course, when he is calm and relaxes is the best time) make him repeat it to you. For example, I understand that you get upset when ____, what else can you do instead of yelling. If he says something like or you may suggest scream into a pillow, suggest a consequence if he does decide not to scream into a pillow, he will lose __ and if he does remember to scream into the pillow vs. yelling out loud, then he can earn ___, it could be something small like a couple of m&ms, or extra time doing __.

I do think you need to nip it in the butt but at the same time allow him to vent because I think it's even worse if he bottles it and out of know where flips out. So a combination of things should work. If the behavior seems to escalate, I would suggest having him see a therapist or have a behavioral therapist go to your home.

[stevenstwin]

I think the way you deal with it is reasonable, but maybe AFTER he has calmed down have a discussion about how it makes you feel - that you view it a disrespect, etc. - and maybe give suggestions for more appropriate ways to express anger. On the one hand I do see the point that he may choose to escalate and see what else he can get away with - but on the other hand I also think it is a big "pick your battles" thing! These kids often need ways to express anger and strong emotions; I wonder, does he ever apologize afterwards? Anyway, I wouldn't want to get after him for every little thing - I think there is a lot of times with pre-teens (and especially those who have been traumatized) that you need to overlook some things you otherwise wouldn't. As for your mom - assuming she's never raised a traumatized kid, we'll just have to take her advice for what it's worth ;-) If she gives you a hard time, say "I've discussed this with the Social workers familiar with his case, and they agree that I should...(fill in the blank)".

[tylind23]

Thanks for the advice. He does apologize afterwards once he is calm. One day he had one of his little tantrums right before we were supposed to go get his hair cut (something he was very excited about). He actually had his tantrum because 30 minutes before we were supposed to leave he got upset that we couldn't leave right that minute. Anyway, when he started to calm down and asked if we could leave to go get his hair cut I said "that's up to you. Are you ready to talk about why you got so upset?" He said "I guess we aren't going then." I told him that was his choice. A few minutes later he came out of his room and said he was ready to talk about what had happened. We talked about what he was angry about, how he handled the situation, and better alternatives for dealing with anger and frustration. He apologized so we went to get his hair cut.

As for my mom, I have a feeling nothing I do as a mom will ever be up to her standards. I tried the whole "this is what his caseworker recommends" thing. She responded that it shouldn't be up to the caseworker and she would not have a child in her house that she didn't have control over making decisions for. She just doesn't get it. She was against me being a foster parent in the first place and she's scared that if Skater comes up for adoption, I'll decide to adopt him. She actually told me that adopting ruins your life. I was shocked to hear her say that, especially since I'm adopted.

[MamaS]

It sounds like you are doing fine. As long as he is not destroying things (holes in walls, etc.) screaming and slamming won't hurt. It is good that you process his actions after he has calmed down. I would ignore your mother -- she obviously has her own issues. YOU are the parent here!

[Mkuhlmann06]

Originally Posted by tylind23

She was against me being a foster parent in the first place and she's scared that if Skater comes up for adoption, I'll decide to adopt him. She actually told me that adopting ruins your life. I was shocked to hear her say that, especially since I'm adopted.

You were adopted and she's making comments like that?? I'd expect it from someone is ignorant or only pays attention to the negative publicity... but wow.

As for how you are handling things...we actually had our first fson comeup with a proper way of venting/being mad. He told us he woudl go to his bedroom and beat the snot out of his pillow. If he actually did his tantrum this way, he was "rewarded" for following the rule. It sounds strange, but it really worked for him. He was 7 and over time we changed what was "appropriate" for a tantrum. He needed to let out his rage/anger, etc... we just continuously tried to improve how to do so.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by tylind23

She actually told me that adopting ruins your life. I was shocked to hear her say that, especially since I'm adopted.

I'm beyond speechless :-( That is very, very sad - and it shows exactly how much weight you need to give any of her opinions! wow. ((hugs))

[jumpingfroggy]

Originally Posted by tylind23
She actually told me that adopting ruins your life. I was shocked to hear her say that, especially since I'm adopted.

I am so sorry. That must have really hurt.

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by tylind23

She actually told me that adopting ruins your life. I was shocked to hear her say that, especially since I'm adopted.

OMG I'm so sorry. That must have hurt for her to say that.

As for tantrums...I think you are doing everything right. As long as you don't give him attention or whatever he wanted to begin with that caused the tantrum then you are doing everything right. The best thing is to tell him that once he's calmed down and ready to talk about it then he can come out. We did that with our niece when she came here. She had ALOT of tantrums...go to her room and slam her door and cry and scream! I would go into her room and calmly tell her when she calms down I will be out in the living room to talk if she wants to. Well, she tried tantrums for probably about a month and she'd have them at least twice a week. She's been here almost a year with us now and she has not had one in about 6 months! Just be consistant and let him know you're there to talk to when he calms down. Show him a better way to handle his anger, like hitting a pillow or counting to 10, etc....You know when our other daughter would slam her door we would take her door off the hinges....we had to do that twice and she hasn't slammed her door since LOL

Hang in there...once he gets into knowing what to expect he may pleasantly surprise you!