[Sissy22]

new 16 yr old girl ran away because she thought 8:00 was too early to have to be home on a fri night so..... d=oesn;t come home at all ???? what goes through thier minds ????????

[Withay]

Have you reported her as a runaway? If not, you need to do this RIGHT NOW. Report to the police and to her cw.

[Sissy22]

already reported but thanks

[RavenSong]

Well, back in the early 1970's, I was that 16-year-old foster child who would have thrown a fit if I had an 8 p.m. curfew on a Friday night (unless I was grounded or something). As I recall, I had an 11 p.m. curfew on Friday and Saturday nights, as long as I had behaved well during the week and had done all my chores.

I wouldn't have run away though, mainly because running away from a foster home was automatic grounds to be sent to reform school back in those years.

I wouldn't be surprised if she calls you later tonight, wanting to come back home. I hope she does...it's dangerous out there in the streets. Hang in there, teenage girls can be a handful...

[MamaS]

Why 8:00? Was she on some kind of punishment? I agree with Ravensong, it seems early for a Friday night. The HS football games, or the early movie both last until at least 9:30. What sort of recreation or fun thing could she do with friends and be through by 8:00?

[mommytoEli]

i love that she had to be home at 8. It is not a right to be out that late...or out at all for that matter....to be out that late you have to prove you are trustworthy.....and it doesn't look like she has been there very long.

MamaS-she could have grabbed dinner with her friends and caught an early movie and still been home by 8. not liking your curfew is not an excuse for running away.

i'm sorry you had to put up with that. what goes through their minds? nothing but anger...they don't think long term...only short term. short term they want to do what THEY want and prove they DON'T have to listen to you. They don't care or don't think about what will happen to them as a result as long as they are getting what they want RIGHT NOW. Parenting teens is fun, isn't it.

[Sissy22]

because last week she went cosmic bowling and brought a friend home after we were sleeping she was told no friends that night cause we had company there so they slept in car in drive way. she had half day of school yesterday so she had from 11-8 to be with friends thats plenty of time. anyway it ended up she text her bio family told them she was going to kill herself cause she didn't like the rules here ans stayed out all night anyway she was found at 1:30 this afternoon at a store w/ a friend but they are moving her to a strickter environment because she needs more supervision and therapy. but we know she's ok !

[Mystik]

I was 14 years old and ran away from my first foster home. It wasn't due to the rules however, it was because I was afraid for my life of one of the other foster girls and I took off with my b/f at the the time and we stayed at his friends place who's parents were out of town. I remember waiting 3 days before calling and letting my bios, SW & FP's know where I was. My gramma called the police immediately and within the hour they were knocking on the door where I was. We were all playing cards and the police simply looked in, asked if I was safe, I said yes and they left. So that didn't quite accomplish what my gramma wanted, but I managed to get a meeting held with her and my SW to discuss the situation in detail and my SW got me into a new home where I felt safe. I vividly remember trying to discuss my fears with people, but they all just took me as a teenage drama queen and my SW actually advised my gramma to refuse my phone calls. No one believed what I was trying to say originally, and even after running away everyone simply jumped to the conclusion that it was some teenage sexual extravaganza and yet running away felt like my only option to keep myself safe, but no one listened!

I just wanted to share a brief summary of my story and say that sometimes we don't always know the whole story and sometimes we aren't always really listening to what the teens are saying. If I was given an 8am curfew back then I would of been extremely upset also and for these teens who enter foster care their worlds are already flipped upside down. Their primary goals are establishing independence and freedom and being that she was new she most likely felt no family type obligation to you whatsoever, so enforcing what to a teen is an unreasonable curfew it only makes sense that they will "overreact" in whatever way they think will get the point across, even though it may not necessarily be the right way. Communication and the ability to compromise are so important in these times.

[Sissy22]

I do feel bad for her but never saw this coming she's always been home on time since day 1. :-( not sure what went wrong

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by mommytoEli

i'm sorry you had to put up with that. what goes through their minds? nothing but anger...they don't think long term...only short term. short term they want to do what THEY want and prove they DON'T have to listen to you. They don't care or don't think about what will happen to them as a result as long as they are getting what they want RIGHT NOW. Parenting teens is fun, isn't it.

I think this is really a broad generalization about teenage foster children, especially the part that says they only feel anger. I know it's popular to view teens, especially those in the system, as angry and manipulative human beings who only want their own way no matter what. Teenage foster kids have the same range of emotions and sensitivities that we all have. They may not be able to vocalize their feelings as easily as adults, but it doesn't mean they don't have them.

Sure, some foster teens are manipulative...it's a survival skill. Same thing with kids who've been subjected to abuse. When your life has been out of control for whatever reason, you try to take control of it...so, yes, these kids can be seen as manipulative. Every foster kid I've ever known that comes across as angry and/or manipulative has a lot of hurt deep inside of them. And believe me, if you're trying to control a manipulative kid, they're viewing you as the manipulator. Something to think about...

[ranoutofnames]

Sissy, Don't beat yourself up too much. I know what you are going through... I take in teens too and it wouldn't matter what your rules are they are not going to like them.

I don't think you were unreasonable to request her home by 8pm, you had good reason. Given what she had done the prior week... had she been my foster teen I probably wouldn't have allowed her out at all for two weeks!

I have a similar rules about being out late. Such as, if the teen is out late one evening for bowling or movies and are behaving grumpy or tired at any point in the following two days then they are not allowed to stay out past 10pm for a specified time after that.

I think the one thing I learned the most from foster parents in my area who also take in teens is not too plan too far into the future with them because you'll burn yourself out.

[mommytoEli]

Originally Posted by RavenSong

I think this is really a broad generalization about teenage foster children, especially the part that says they only feel anger. I know it's popular to view teens, especially those in the system, as angry and manipulative human beings who only want their own way no matter what. Teenage foster kids have the same range of emotions and sensitivities that we all have. They may not be able to vocalize their feelings as easily as adults, but it doesn't mean they don't have them.

Sure, some foster teens are manipulative...it's a survival skill. Same thing with kids who've been subjected to abuse. When your life has been out of control for whatever reason, you try to take control of it...so, yes, these kids can be seen as manipulative. Every foster kid I've ever known that comes across as angry and/or manipulative has a lot of hurt deep inside of them. And believe me, if you're trying to control a manipulative kid, they're viewing you as the manipulator. Something to think about...

oh...ok...i wasn't broadly generalizing teens in the system....just teens in general...which is why at the end of my statement i said, "parenting TEENS is fun." not parenting foster kids is fun. and i'm sorry, but most angry teens...again, IN GENERAL, do not have the ability to think long term.

also, you are completely misquoting me...not only did i never say i was talking about teens in the system when i said "nothing but anger." but you are making it sound like i said ALL they feel EVER is anger. and i did not. op said "what goes through their minds?" in reference to the fact that fd RAN AWAY. this is not an everyday experience....so the fact that i said what goes through their minds is anger...does not mean they are only capable of feeling anger. i'm saying, a teenager hears a curfew of 8 o'clock and thinks it is too early, probably didn't sit down and logically think about what they were going to do. they were mad. they stayed out. they didn't think or care about consequences....otherwise they wouldn't have done it....again, not because they are a foster teen, but because they are a TEEN....and they were UPSET. i'm not saying this is the only way they can feel EVER, or that anger is the ONLY reason for running away. i'm saying, in instances like this, kids in general, ARE angry and not thinking past what they want to happen NOW. i'm sorry you don't agree with that.....but don't get angry over generalizations that are not there.

[jjjjmom]

My 16 year old bio daughter is only alowed to be out after that time if she is with her friends parents or if the movie goes later that that, but she knows I'll be outside waiting for her. I think when the kids are that young you have to be strict with them and "over protect them" specially with a foster child. I totally agree with you! I always tell my daughter that she is young ans she'll have plenty of time to be out later when she is old enough.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by mommytoEli

what goes through their minds? nothing but anger...they don't think long term...only short term. short term they want to do what THEY want and prove they DON'T have to listen to you. They don't care or don't think about what will happen to them as a result as long as they are getting what they want RIGHT NOW. Parenting teens is fun, isn't it.

Yeah, I gotta agree with you. Even my bio daughter - she is mature for her age, talented, extremely bright, the whole package - but when she is MAD about something, she is completely unreasonable and the brain just switches off. I've read some studies on the 'teenage brain' and it really IS wired differently. Strong emotions and logic just don't go together very well in the still-developing brain, and they just aren't biologically ready to always see the cause and effect of their actions! It really is scary parenting them since THEY tend to think they're all grown up and capable of making adult decisions all the time. :-)

[Sissy22]

You know it's funny this girl obviously needed more then I could give but after the adreneline died done I find my house empty and quiet I relise I really did like her and I do miss her I hope someone can get her the help she needs !