[takingtheplunge]

Hello. We are distant family of someone whose kid is in the system. B/c that person kept it a secret for so long, we were told if TPR, family would not get a chance to adopt since bonding has not occured. The kid would go to FM.

As it stands, they are done w/ case plan and got their kid back on ext. visits until next court date. But family worries if she can really handle it long term. She is willing to relinquish to family for the long term care of the child b/c she knows she can always see the child. How long after she gets the kid back does she have to wait before she can relinquish, assign guardianship or private adopt? She fears that CPS will sabotage the court date if they think she is considering relinquishment.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by takingtheplunge

She fears that CPS will sabotage the court date if they think she is considering relinquishment.

She's probably right so advise her NOT to say anything to CPS about relinquishing. Once she has custody, if you are going to adopt the child, you should arrange for a private attorney to handle the adoption and keep CPS out of it.

[RobinKay]

get your own attorney NOW. this is exactly what happened to us, and the fp were determined to keep the child due to the long time they had him while ICPC was being done.

Seriously, talk with an attorney now, both you and birth mother together. it's expensive, but it can make the difference. try to do a private adoption and yank the rug out from under CPS

[takingtheplunge]

Thanks for the advice. I am willing to pay for attny for private adoption. However, I don't know when the bio parent will have legal rights back to assign custody. The bio parent just had their 12 month review and judge gave them the kid back on "extended visit" until the next court case in July where they want to review progress. Then there is one more hearing in August that I don't know what it's for. I think it's the final final review. Does that mean that parent has to wait until August to have right to private adopt through attny, or can they do it now since kid is with them on "extended visits." Secondly, during this extended visit, can we see the kid daily and bond with them. Thus, if bio parent screws up between now and August, then could we make a better case that the kid should go to us verses the original foster parents.

[FullQuiverMamma]

Maybe the foster family could agree to keep up relations with you in the event they regain custody? Is the child attached to the foster family? If so, that may be the way to go. ??

[Howdy]

This sounds so very sad for the child.

I think you should visit the child a lot so that the child has an attachment to you, and also because if you don't think the mother can handle it, you can meet the needs of the child. Not allowing the child to be neglected or abused should be the paramount concern.

How old is the child and how long was the child with the FM?

[Hadley2]

I'm sorry if this comes across harshly, but I am very surprised by your words and hope to be able to extend your thinking a little beyond your adult relative's cry for help.

"She is willing to relinquish to family for the long term care of the child b/c she knows she can always see the child."

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. She cannot always see the child again, at least she shouldn't be allowed to unless her seeing the child benefits the child and that benefit outweighs any harm seeing her does to the child. No adult, relative or otherwise, who adopts a child should EVER make that kind of promise of direct contact to a first parent, outright or implied.

DH and I are fostering and adopting a relative. We were already parents, and believe firmly that the first, most absolute and sacred promise a parent makes is to their child: "we will keep you safe, we will provide for your needs--physical, mental, emotional--always and forever, no matter what." That promise is made at birth, that promise is made at adoption. NOWHERE in that promise is there room for "and we will sacrifice you as a favor to other adults."

We came into this because of a belief in the responsibility and connectedness of family. But it was the child's need for connection to us and the rest of the extended family that motivated us, not any consideration for the parents. While we cared about them, we would never make life decisions for a child based on what adults want.

You are talking about getting to know this child solely so that you can claim a relationship later--if you haven't wanted to get to know this child before or don't want to know the child better because you already hold him/her in your heart, then faking an interest now doesn't make much sense. If you are successful, you will be raising a child as your own for many years not because you want to have that child in your life and fulfill his/her needs but because you chose to cater to the wants of a dysfunctional adult. I would be afraid that if you did that, the child would suffer greatly--as would you, because resentment would surely follow on all sides.

This child probably has special needs, many of which you may not know about, and the biggest special need he/she has is the need for protection from the people who harmed him/her. This is not about judging people bad or good--it is about recognizing facts about harm done, intentionally or not.

If you hold this child in your heart, if you have the kind of family love and belief in bond that you understand how important that connection to your family, that knowledge that family is the caring cradle, will be to the child as he/she grows up, if you are ready to be this child's parent or extended family--with all the responsibilities those roles carry--then by all means pursue a relationship with the child and try to cultivate a relationship with the cw and fps.

But please, really listen and learn as much as you can about what this child needs, and keep your focus clearly and only on that, not on what your relative wants.

If I've misread your post and intentions, I am very, truly sorry. I know, however, how easy it is to get caught up in the adult relationships and how quickly the child's real interests can get minimized or dismissed. The truth is, if you go forward, you may have to be willing to end or greatly close down the adult relationship for the child's and/or your family's sake--so if you're not there for the child, well, that would be a pretty lonely, sad place to end up.

Either way, try to remember, too, that the foster system can actually be a great resource for the children and families--the best thing we ever did for ourselves and our child was get educated in the foster care system and become licensed.

I hope things work out well for this child and your family.

[RobinKay]

Hadley2

Your words are so true! I responded with the assumption that the relatives wanted to keep this child with the family--wanted to commit to the child.

You are right that such an important decision is not automatic, not about the adults. What is best for this child-that is the primary question to guide everyone's actions.

But, if the relatives are doing this for love of this child and the family, they do need to move now and get an attorney.