[tylind23]

Just wondering if there was a normal period of time that the honeymoon period usually lasts. My current foster son has only been with me for 2 weeks, so I know we are still in the honeymoon period, but this child is amazing. He goes to bed at bedtime without having to be told to, he gets up on time and is ready for school on time, he does his chores when asked, and he even decided to mow the yard yesterday without being asked to.

[Howdy]

I had one girl whose honeymoon period only lasted a day and another whose honeymoon period lasted a week. I met a woman who adopted a 10 yr old boy in addition to several little girls of varying ages, and she said the boy was the best behaved of them all, she thought it had to do with boys knowing that they aren't as desirable especially when they are not little anymore, and therefore being grateful to have a family. But I suppose it is all just natural variety of personality. How long has your fs been in fostercare, has he had many changes of placement? The girl I had whose honeymoon lasted a week had been in foster care for a year and had to leave two prior homes for being bad (racist comments and false abuse claim), so she tried really hard to be good, insisted I sit while she cooked and served dinner, scrubbed the bathroom, etc.

[stevenstwin]

Not all kids DO "honeymoon". Maybe this is really the boy's actual personality! Since he isn't going BEYOND what we want a child to do (like Howdy's example above) maybe he isn't trying to impress you, but is just a naturally good-natured and tractable child. Anyway - that would sure be a nice treat for you, so I hope that is the case! :-)
ps - my fs really never honeymooned at all. I pretty much knew what I was getting right from the start. He just isn't capable of putting on any kind of false face or show, which is all right by me, although I won't say he is "easy", LOL

[jbee]

one of ours, a 15 girl, offered to wash dishes within the first week, her honeymoon was about a month, even though we had respited her for a week or two previously. after she left i was talking to her new fm, who was with our agency, and the girl was washing the dishes there..i had to laugh and told the fm to give it a few weeks. but she already knew what was to come anyway, it was just funny for us.

[blubutterflies03]

2 WEEKS!! and then everybody finds out the true colors.

[TxMom65]

Ours was about 2 weeks.

[fostapeepz]

We actually had a 7 month honeymoon with our foster teen. She had some issues initially, but after her mother became involved in her life her issues escalated enormously. She was frustrated that we inferred it was due to contact with mom, but eventually the truth came out and Mom's dysfunction came to surface. Our teen has been here almost a year now, and she's still fighting her way back from the rollercoaster that mom put her on.

With our 4yr old twins the honeymoon was only a couple of weeks - but even after then their testing was easy enough to handle. They had been in emergency care for a month prior to coming to us, however - and I think that foster mom did a lot of the groundwork for us.

[Sunshinemom]

My son was 2 when he came to live with us and we thought we had been placed with the perfect child. I soon realized that the poor little guy was just confused and probably terrified. After a few weeks he settled in, got comfortable and let his true personality shine through....and it all went downhill from there..LOL! I've come to realize he's not the perfect child, but a pretty perfect fit for my crazy home!

[tylind23]

Thanks for all the replies. I guess two weeks must be about right. I think it was day 14 exactly that I started seeing his true colors. Nothing too bad, but he has been extra hyper and extra whiney the last few days. Wants me to buy him everything under the sun and then gets mad when I won't. This morning he was mad because I wouldn't give him permission to dye his hair (didn't say no, just said we needed to check with case worker and bio mom first). So, he refused to get ready for school, ended up being late, and then got mad because he didn't have time to eat breakfast and I wouldn't drive him to McDonald's for breakfast (when he was already going to be a few minutes late to school). I told him he could take pop tarts and eat it in the car. He said he wasn't eating that because they were "old" (I bought them less than two weeks ago). So, he didn't eat anything and complained the whole way to school that I didn't let him eat breakfast.

[stevenstwin]

Oh boy, I was hoping he was just the perfect child ;-) That sounds totally age and gender appropriate, though! He's not too far off that fun ride called "the teen years" LOL

[TidyOne]

Just a quick chime in, all 4 of the kids we recieved and did adopt...the honeymoon lasted til the first visit to CPS. I actually tried to meet her different places after a while...cause the building and the fear that came was tremendous.
Just a thought to throw out andkeep an eye out for!

[tylind23]

Actually it was the day after his first visit (since coming to live with me) with his bio mom that all the problems started. Not that I'm surprised. From what I've read on here, I expected that to be a tough time.

[vamom1]

Hello, the honeymoon period depends on the child and how they are adjusting and their comfort level with you and the household. We stressed to our child each day to please, please, please be herself. At the end of each visit the sw would tell our child "be nice and mind your manners". I would tell our daughter in front of the social worker, "you be yourself", let's get whatever out in the open and deal with issues now so we can have a wonderful and lasting family". Sure enough, she let her guard down and started being herself after being in our home for 2 weeks. Yes we had issues for about 3 weeks, but the calm after the storm was wonderful, our child is home and she loves her family and the support. Keep in mind, my child is 14 and had been in the system since she was 3 days old. When she found out that we were not going to give her back no matter how bad things were, all we wanted was to know the real child, it was worth the 3 weeks of issues. She sat at the foot of our bed last week and told us that we were pretty cool because all 6 other families gave her back and she didn't thinnk anyone would want her if she was herself.
Hope this helps you! We wanted to get it over with so we could all move on and enjoy life!

[stevenstwin]

I'm happy for your success with that, but it sounds like your child did not have truly serious emotional or behavioural issues. My former FS was diagnosed with Conduct Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress, Anxiety Disorder and a lot more. Telling him to "just be yourself" would have resulted in never-ending raging, chaos, and property destruction. He had to be taught, counselled, and medicated to learn to be a new and completely different "self" from what he'd been for 14 years. A lot of these kids aren't going to just act out for a couple of weeks and then level off. For a lot of them, if you open that door you'll never get it shut again! And isn't the absolute core of our relationships with others based on being nice and having good manners? I'd sure hate to discourage that or imply that a nice person with good manners isn't the child's real self!

Originally Posted by vamom1

Hello, the honeymoon period depends on the child and how they are adjusting and their comfort level with you and the household. We stressed to our child each day to please, please, please be herself. At the end of each visit the sw would tell our child "be nice and mind your manners". I would tell our daughter in front of the social worker, "you be yourself", let's get whatever out in the open and deal with issues now so we can have a wonderful and lasting family". Sure enough, she let her guard down and started being herself after being in our home for 2 weeks. Yes we had issues for about 3 weeks, but the calm after the storm was wonderful, our child is home and she loves her family and the support. Keep in mind, my child is 14 and had been in the system since she was 3 days old. When she found out that we were not going to give her back no matter how bad things were, all we wanted was to know the real child, it was worth the 3 weeks of issues. She sat at the foot of our bed last week and told us that we were pretty cool because all 6 other families gave her back and she didn't thinnk anyone would want her if she was herself.
Hope this helps you! We wanted to get it over with so we could all move on and enjoy life!

[fostapeepz]

Vamom - I'm so glad it all worked out for you so well!! I love hearing about happy endings. Our situation is much like Stevenstwin, however. Our 14 yr old (came to us at 13) came from so much dysfunction that her 'true self' was a mess. She didn't start to show that side of herself until her mother came back in to the picture on a regular basis - hence the 7 month honeymoon. Even then, on the outside the kid looked to be doing just fine, because that's what she'd learned. To look and act ok. She wasn't one to rage on the outside and take it out on others - instead she would take it out on herself. She would cut and seek out innapropriate attention from boys, and was looking to start experimenting with drugs and alcohol to try to help her mask the pain. Once all the dysfunction that mom was bringing to her life came to surface, we were finally able to start dealing with the real issues. And that's taken much more than 3 weeks. It's been 6 months of working on the hard stuff - 3 hospital stays - having to make our home a safe haven by putting away all sharps (I have to do a sweep of the home before bed each evening) - and slowly teaching this kid a new way to be. At 14 many teens are just figuring out who it is they really want to be - so asking them to be themselves is just a really confusing question. We aren't asking our fosterteen to be someone else - but to be healthy.