[kdoll514]

I received my first placement on April 8th. A sibling group (6 year old girl and eleven year old boy). One week later, I received a placement of an 8 month old little girl. All are precious and I counted myself lucky that the only obstacle I had to face was the eleven year old's finicky eating habits. They were well mannered, happy children or so I thought, until yesterday. My foster son told my mother that I abused him, beat him with a stick, locked him in the closet and refused to feed him. The day before, he told his uncle I abused him, and he told me that my son was mean and abusive. Needless to say, I was shocked and disturbed by this, because none of what he said was remotely close to the truth. I advised his social worker of the comments/accusations and she questioned him on them. He said that he liked it here and that what he said was a joke. She discussed with him the seriousness of his accusations and told him some of the things that could happen if someone had believed him and reported this as abuse/neglect. He spent most of the afternoon in his room, then decided he wanted to come out and "joke" around with me. I had no words for him at that point and did not joke around with him. I am not uncomfortable around him, but I do think that he crossed boundaries of trust and respect and I will not put myself in a situation where joking around could lead to accusations. I am not going to request him to leave, because I am in it to help him and I don't want to give up on him. Our relationship has changed and his words have marked a new direction for us. I am his caretaker, not his friend. I will make sure that all of his needs are provided for, but other than that, I do not think that I can open up and let him in anymore. I think he took advantage of my kindness and I think he is going to try to use the system against me. Funny thing is, this is his time being placed in care. I'm afraid to think of what kind of things the children who have been in care for a while will come up with. Just needed to vent.

[KT08]

I haven't been in your shoes, so take my comments with a grain of salt. I do feel your pain.

I don't know if the children you took in have been in previous foster homes before yours, but I would venture a guess that the boy is just testing you and testing his limits. He has been placed (against his will) in a stranger's home. He is trying to see what power he has. He obviously quickly discovered that the "abuse" accusations had a lot of power!

If your foster son was removed from his parents due to abuse, then your son is aware of what power accusations have. I would imagine he thinks that if he accuses you of abuse, then he will be removed from you and sent back home. That isn't a slam against you. It's natural for children to want to return to their parents, regardless of their circumstances.

I say: breathe deeply. This too will pass. Don't be afraid to love the child. He needs love and compassion.

[meshsgrl]

No words of advice here..... but I think thats my biggest fear, the allegations!!!! I have an 8 yr old boy, and at this point he talks constantly about no hitting.... etc.. you cant do anything to me, I dont have to listen because you cant hit me!! He is learning that there are other forms of discipline! But I pray each day that I would be protected from accusations!! So I know on a smaller scale how you are feeling!

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by kdoll514

I advised his social worker of the comments/accusations and she questioned him on them. He said that he liked it here and that what he said was a joke. She discussed with him the seriousness of his accusations and told him some of the things that could happen if someone had believed him and reported this as abuse/neglect.

Some joke, eh? I think false accusations are a foster parent's biggest fear. And I would let him know that the next time he tells a lie about you, you will be packing his bags. THEN he'll know it's serious. And I would tell him about the boy who cried wolf. Ask him what he'll do if he ends up in a foster home where these things really happen but his social worker won't believe him because he has a history of lying about his foster parents?
He has to know that this is 100% unacceptable and it's never going to happen again in your home. I would tell him I didn't even want to hear "knock knock jokes" (since he'll probably tell your mother about the time your knocked him up against the wall! )

[kdoll514]

I did let him know this morning that there would be no more joking around. He was not a victim of abuse. His mother died a few months ago and dad just can't care for them correctly at this point in time. He really is a good kid, but everyone has their bad points, and unfortunately lying on me and about me (trying to pass it off as a joke), is his bad point. I keep a daily journal, take pictures, and keep regular contact with their social worker. It makes it easier I think to disprove allegations, and to correct problems before they get out of hand. The social workers I have are wonderful so far and very supportive. I don't know what triggered the abuse converasations/allegations/jokes in him, but he did admit to the social worker last night, that his allegations were not true. I wish there was a way to protect ourselves, instead of having to defend ourselves. I'm sure this is not going to be the first time I will be accused of things untrue, but it is a real eye opener that these things do happen. I was almost naive enough to think that it wouldn't happen to me.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by kdoll514

The social workers I have are wonderful so far and very supportive. I don't know what triggered the abuse converasations/allegations/jokes in him, but he did admit to the social worker last night, that his allegations were not true. .

Since he admitted to lying about abuse, the chances of the cw believe future accusations is pretty slim.

[CaddoRose]

Just a note on Kat_L comments: We are forbidden to use that type of ploy to stop unwanted behavior. We can not threaten removal or even tell them that if they are moved the next house could be worse. We can't tell them Jesus doesn't love them either!

I would explain the effects of lying to people and how that affects the way people will react and relate to him, since it has obviously affected you in a negative way. Considering the reason he's in care, maybe there's a way to explain to him that he's not the reason he's there. Kids have a way of blaming themselves for their situations and maybe this was one way for him to get interest from other people, by lying.

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by CaddoRose

Just a note on Kat_L comments: We are forbidden to use that type of ploy to stop unwanted behavior. We can not threaten removal ...

I think that is ridiculous, especially if you consider the age of the child. If you aren't allowed to "threaten" removal, then what happens if the child's behaviours escalate...they just come home one day find their stuff packed and the social worker waiting with no warning? Far better for some kids to have it laid right on the line and know the consequences - IF you do that again, you WILL be removed. We had to do that with ours more than once - the options are A). You do what we are asking (take your medication and attend counselling) or B) we call the Social Worker and you leave. I don't see that as a threat, I see it as a clear cosnequence.

[Kat-L]

Originally Posted by CaddoRose

Just a note on Kat_L comments: We are forbidden to use that type of ploy to stop unwanted behavior. We can not threaten removal or even tell them that if they are moved the next house could be worse. We can't tell them Jesus doesn't love them either!

I never said "Threaten the child. Tell him Jesus doesn't love him". In fact, no one mentioned Jesus or religion at all. I said to tell him if he "jokes" like that again, he's leaving. If he makes false allegations, he SHOULD be moved. Who wants that risk? And he should KNOW that the consequence of making false allegations is removal from the home. And if he makes a habit of "lying" about foster parents, he WILL find himself in a situation where the CW won't believe him when he's finally being truthful. That is the consequence of lying. People stop believing you. Foster parents have a responsibility to the foster children to be honest with them. In this case, the foster parent needs to tell the child "If you do ______, then ______ will happen". That isn't a threat. It's reality.

Originally Posted by stevenstwin

I don't see that as a threat, I see it as a clear consequence.

Exactly. If no one tells him the consequence of his lying, how can know what it will be?

[Mystik]

It sounds like perhaps he thinks this whole situation is his fault in some way. Like perhaps he "joked" at school to the wrong people about his bio dad or something at some point and figures that was why he was removed... so if he "jokes" about you he'll be discredited in general and returned to his dad as it all just being a big misunderstanding. Who knows, but it is a possibility.

[Sam-N-Tony]

It's the same with our state with what Caddo said. We cannot use his removal as leverage against him or use it as even a mild threat. We could lose our license and possibly be fined for even saying things like that. I'm sure it unlikely that they actually do it but basically you are threatening a child regardless of how it comes across. Sometimes it is appropriate to use those "words" to some children but most foster kids don't want to be in your home they want to be with their parents regardless of the situation. I can see and agree with Kat/Steven and Caddo. Find out what works for you and that child.