[tylind23]

I said I'd take kids 5-12 years old, but of course they called me about a 14 and 15 year old. Anyway, after hearing about the girls, I decided to accept. No serious behavior, medical, emotional issues, etc. I work with at-risk teens and have had to deal with everything from bad attitudes, cussing, talking back, teen pregnancy, lying, dealing drugs, smearing poop on the wall, and millions of other issues. So, I think I'm prepared for this. However, I just wanted to get some suggestions from any of you who have teens about what works best for you, rules that you find helpful, common issues with teens, what types of things teen girls like to do, etc.

[Sam-N-Tony]

I see no one has responded to you, so I will. Not that I have lots of experience with teens but was one once (LOL).
1st- Make CLEAR house rules. Suggest writing them up on a board or on the fridge. All rules about boys, bedtimes, homework, free time, allowance.
Your 2 options are make clear rules before they get there or you can give them some time to get comfortable and make rules with them, so you can feel them out, so that way you will all agree (or disagree) on certain things.

If they are coming from another fhome or group home. Find out what some of the rules were from there, it might work best to have them maintain the same routine.

Most teen girls like boys, shopping and makeup. Be careful with teenage girls and boys. Until they can show you that you can fully trust them w/boys be cautious.

Most teenagers have a bed time of 10p on weeknights later during the weekend. Allow them to have friends over only when your home and if they have a boyfriend (and you allow them contact) make it ONLY at your house in the living room.

Let us know how it goes.

[WannaBtheMommy]

Having once been the "teenage girl from H**L", I have a couple of recommendations:
First, make your non-negotiable rules clear from the begining. Like, no lying, stealing, hitting, etc... Curfew, dating, cell phones, makeup... If you have any expectations, lay 'em out.
Next, give clear cut consequences. If I missed curfew, I had to be home by eight every night, and couldn't use my car for two weeks. (BTW, I thought my dad was so cute and sentimental because I had to go in and kiss his cheek "goodnight" when I got in EVERY night, no exception. Later I learned that he was checking the time, my breath (alcohol?) and my pupils (drugs) It was still sweet, but boy was he SMART!)
When I got caught stealing, I not only had to give the item back, but had to write an apology to the store, AND make a sign that said "people like me (photo) cause higher prices for you". Now, the store never posted the sign... the making and offering was humiliation enough. (The store also informed me if it ever happened again, they'd prosocute to the fullest extent of the law)


Stuff like chores and household rules can be discussed with the girls. You will learn from each other and get more clear expectations from each other this way.

Best of luck to you! Let us know how things go!

[tylind23]

Thanks for your responses. Those are great suggestions. Keep them coming.

[jbee]

i can just say, having 2 17 yo. fs, make rules very clear and dummyproof. write them down and make them read it, then post it. our house rules (very general but most things fall under them):
be respectful
follow directions
clean up after yourself
no physical aggression
respect personal belongings
be responsible for yourself
i think they're pretty all inclusive, but we give them details...like clean up means put everything back the way you found it, no matter what it is, from the setting on the showerhead to the dishes in the cupboard
respect personal belongings means don't touch anyone's personal stuff without asking
be responsible for yourself means like if you have to work, give me a schedule at the beginning of the week or you don't have a ride. set your own alarm clock and get up yourself. shower and don't stink or i will make you a chart like a little kid would have. do your own laundry. if you don't and don't have clothes, you can go to school in your pjs.
they may sound mean, but we are trying to get ours independent cause they'll be out sooner or later. don't assume they will know what a rule means. and be very strict at first cause its harder to go from being slack to tough than the other way around.
hope this helps!

[stevenstwin]

LOL - what teen girls like to DO is talk, shop, and play on Facebook...or at least that is what my DD and all her friends do! Also, movies, and some really like video games just as much as the boys do. As for rules, I really think that beyond the basics you'll have to adapt those as you go since every kids is going to have their own quirks.

[aunlanpo]

Fairness is critical in the minds of teens. So, keep that in mind with all things... be consistent, and be consistent equally with both.

They don't like to feel or be seen as stupid, so set them up to succeed, rather than fail... be meticulous about the rules. Write down every rule so they know what's expected. That way they won't unintentionally break a rule and won't feel stupid.

Establish your authority in a non-authoritative way. When they do break a rule, don't take it personally, just give them the consequences. Keep your emotions to yourself, even if you're furious. Try to remember that by this age, you're the guide. They already are who they're going to be. You can't change them.

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

When a one year old says, "Milk!" and expects you to give it to them, we tell them to say please because we want to teach them good manners. But at one, we don't really expect them to DO it! We know they won't say please for some time, but we do keep telling them to say please. It's kinda like that for teenagers. You tell them the same thing a million times, not because you really think they will, but in hopes that they will when they're grown. For instance, "Please pick up after yourself."

At the same time, have high expectations. Teens tend to rise to just under whatever expectation you set.

Have a sense of humor.

Be yourself. This is critical. When you first meet them, don't act nicer than you are. Don't give more leniency than will be normal. Don't eat at the table if you usually eat in front of the tv. Don't be fake. They see through fake, and anything fake will immediately cause them to disrespect you. And respect is the foundation for relating with teens. And do give it before you get it. They will respect you more if you do.

Computer rules haven't been mentioned. In our house, we've always had the computer in the main gathering place, (living room) so that it's supervised. When someone has wanted to take the laptop in their room, I just tell them that I wish they could, but the house rules won't let me. When they say that I made the house rules and can change that, I say that to change a rule, we'd have to have a house meeting, dad will have to agree with you, I'll have to agree with you. We all vote, but everyone's vote is worth the number of years old they are. We figure our years of experience are worth just as much as their years of experience.

We have a cordless phone, but when a teen takes it down the hall to their room, we remind them that they don't have a phone in their room for a reason. They can have their privacy, just not on the phone in their room. My husband and I don't talk on the phone in our room either. We are fair.

When anyone lies, I say something like, "I guess we're a lying household now. So, everyone should just lie to anyone who lies to you. So the next time you want to go somewhere, I'll say sure, but it'll be a lie." They only like lies when they're the ones telling them. They change their minds about being a lying household pretty fast. It works the same way for just about everything else. We intentionally create chores in a way that fosters a team approach to living. One person does all the wash, one person does all the folding, one person cleans the toilet, someone else cleans the tub. We make it so we rely on each other. When clothes don't get put away, everyone in the house feels it. After enough complaining, if they won't comply, I announce that we're now a "everyone on their own" household. There are immediate groans from everyone that they don't want to be an everyone is on their own household, because they know that means that I don't make their lunches, or cook dinner, and I grocery shop just for me. Afterall, I like to be fair. Teens really LIKE being in a family. They like being nurtured and cared for. While I'm not making their lunch, I tell them that I really LIKE taking care of them, "even when I'm tired and don't want to, I LIKE doing things for you, because I love you, and I'd rather be a family." We are an "everyone is on their own" household very rarely. And when the others complain and groan enough, peer pressure works to my advantage.

Make them go with you, even when they say they don't want to. This has been so important to my troubled teens. Even if I'm just going out to the bank, I'll say, "come on with me, I'd like to spend time with you." And I ask them questions about their day, and really listen. It's at these times that an authentic connection is made.

REALLY listen. I've found that the most important issues come out in the most casual way when I'm paying the least attention. While I'm making dinner, they say something like, "Do you want me to stir this pot? I've never really liked this kind of sauce before, Mary thinks she's pregnant, you make it so salty, that's why I think it's gross." Notice the commas, it just flows out and could be missed if I didn't pay close attention, even though I may look like I'm not paying attention.

Don't over react. When you're completely shocked, just tell them the truth... that you're completely shocked, and that you don't want to over react, and you'll talk to them about it later. Wait until you can be composed to deal with issues.

Teen girls like different things. Besides the boys, phone, mall, friends, boys, music, and boys, their interests are diverse. For teen foster girls, I usually keep on hand: sketch pad and pencils, a cheap digital camera that they have free use of, books, basketball (we have a hoop), a journal, paint by numbers, jigsaw puzzles, an easy cookbook, sidewalk chalk, "girls life" magazines, deck of cards, board games, chess. I then follow whatever the interest is. When a girl liked to cook, I gave her complete freedom to try anything. We'd go to the store together, prepare vegs together, she'd run the show, and I'd be her sous chef. I did what she asked. Giving teens control in appropriate ways builds their self-esteem, builds their respect for you, and gives them a sense of accomplishment which spills out in other ways. Whatever they want to do, I do it with them. If it's photography, I got her a book on it, and we went for "picture hunts." We had amazing conversations with that. So, the point is, in our home, we spend a lot of time together. My 13 year old said again today that she wants to get a screen name so she can IM with her friends, and I told her she already has permission to, and she complained, "I know! I don't have time!" Of course, she spent an hour and a half talking to me while I cleaned the chicken coop. She kinda helped. But it's my chore, so I was grateful that she did at all, without even being asked. We spend a lot of time together. I don't force them, but I do make rules that reinforce it... ie, no tv in bedrooms, no phone in bedrooms, etc. When they yell about the rules, I just say that I can't watch tv in my room either.

Anyway, I could write a book. Sorry this is so long.

Blessings,
Aundrea

[Sissy22]

I love teen girls but there all going to be different so you'll have to meet them most of mine liked shopping going out to eat cooking computers painting nails doing hair together friends/boys !!!! are the big ones

[enchansin]

I have b-s now 23 bd- now 21 and had 3 fd's over 13
1 Thing I can tell you each teen will be different..
There is really no mold on how to handle things..
I would agree with the rest about making rules, Let them know what they lowest punishment that will be for breaking each rule, that way you can increase the punishment to more fit the crime.. say they where supposed to come home right after school but was late by 10min cause they was talking to friend at bus stop you can use min but say they went to friends house and didn't call or come home for hour you could races the punishment..

Depending on age set your bedtime mine mostly was 11pm bed 10pm being home... But with a teen known to over sleep in morning the time would got back to say 10.30 bed and so forth tell we found the right time for them, We were to know where they were at all times.. explain why each rule is place, try to be a little flexible when warranted, like if they wanted to go to friend house you knew was a safe place on a certain day right after school have them call you instead of coming home
1st, b-s was easier to deal with when it came to fallowing rules but harder when came to having attitude about having the rules.. he like to argue
b-d was good at rules and attitude but hard time getting up for school.. FD1 was good at rules and so forth but was always finding ways to get in trouble with out breaking house rules.. FD2 was 17 when we got her and pregnant so she didn't think rules applied to her at all.. so she spent allot time breaking rules and on restriction.. FD3 was good and didn't really cause allot probs tell after 3months she decided that she didn't wanta be attached to us.. and wanted to be place in a program where she learned how to be adult and on her own, so in order to be moved she would stay out at walmart tell when she knew I would have to turn her in as runaway.. at 11.30 she would turn herself in the security guard at walmart as a runaway and then police would bring her home..
this went on 3 times and then she was moved from our home to Juvenile hall then place in program she wanted..
I found some rules was need for some and other rules for another.. you really need to look at each and see what works for 1 and maynot work for other, fd1 I had to make up rules about rules for her because she alway found ways around rules.. bd i could punish her from phone, going out or Tv and that didn't bother her but take away her computer and video game worked,

[Empty_Nest]

We didn't do foster care, but I recall a few things from back before the dawn of time when our kids were teens.

Contracts worked well. It helped them learn the art of negotiation, and putting it all in writing which they had to sign and agree to make everything clear, and kept them from saying they had been promised things they weren't, none of of this 'but you said....' stuff.

Let them know which rules are not negotiable. As stated, keep it clear.

I knew a parent once who would ground their kids for a half an hour if they misbehaved. Doesn't sound like much, till you realize the grounding was enforced in five-minute increments, at times when the kids would find it most inconvenient, like at nine o'clock on a Friday night when they'd have to break away from their friends and come home to endure their torture, er, punishment. It really cramped their style and got the point across very well. Ours were grown and gone by the time I heard of that one, but I loved it!

We had a ten-minute time limit on the phone, and the phone was not cordless and they couldn't hide anywhere while they were using it. It was in the kitchen, making it convenient for parental snoopervision. We didn't have internet then, but if we had, we'd have made sure the computer was in a public room and not in a kid's room. Ditto for TV. They tend to spend enough time away from the 'rents as it is, they don't need to be watching TV alone and unsupervised, particularly if you're fussy about what kids that age are allowed to watch.

Music is another issue. Some lyrics are very offensive. You will have to decide what the rules are for your house and let the kids know that.

Clothes.... Are you going to allow them to have thong underwear hanging out the back of their jeans, wear barely-there tops to school, etc? Clothes are a good area for negotiations and contracts.

Food may need to be limited, such as if you have rules about pop and snacks. Our kids had to ask first, except for fruit and veggies which were unlimited. Otherwise, with five teens we wouldn't have been able to keep pop, snacks, and some other things on the shelf, especially when the boys were into football practice and needed approximately 10,678,987, 492 calories per day, mostly consumed between the end of practice at six PM and bedtime. The kids could make cookies or bars from scratch pretty much when they wanted to, or make popcorn or caramel corn as long as they cleaned up after themselves.

As for shopping, we did our best to teach our kids that shopping is not a recreational activity. IMO, when kids treat shopping like a hobby, it's likely to cause problems with handling money responsibly when they're older, newly on their own, and broke. We tried to encourage them to find other, more productive things to do with their time. We weren't always successful, but we tried.

That's all I can think of for now. It's harder when the kids are new, so you may have to pick your battles for a while and not try to set down a big bunch of rules right off the bat.

Good luck.

[fostapeepz]

We were also signed up for younger kids, but our first call was for a teen. We took the placement, and despite the fact that we've had some big challenges, we are still very happy we accepted.

Clear rules are good - we actually came up with the house rules together. I had our foster teen write down what she felt was fair for a social schedule (how long and how often on the phone, same with going out or time on the computer etc...). I wrote out a schedule as well, and we just came to a middle ground.

The one thing I would highly advise is that you either block Facebook, Myspace, Chat and email on your computer (via software like Netnanny) or you monitor it (via software like Iopus). I did both and learned a lot about what challenges my teen was actually dealing with. I didn't tell her initially - but did come clean with her when something that was emailed to her necessetated I print it off and show it to the caseworker. I still keep the monitoring software on, but rarely need to check it anymore. I also keep track of all passwords and am given full access. Some might consider it an invasion of privacy - but it's just the rules we have for using the computer.

I was not interested in giving our teen a cell phone. I take her anywhere she needs to go, and most of her friends have phones, so there was no real need for her to have one. Unfortunatly her mother bought her one, anyway. We ended up making tighter and tighter rules for the phone because of misuse - and eventually sent it back. Teens can use their phones to send naughty pictures, inappropriate texts, talking at inappropriate hours of the night, and making plans to do things they shouldn't. So it's one more thing you want to make sure is monitored, if they have access to one.

Because we've also had some issues with our teen 'hanging out' and being unsupervised by other kids parents - we enstated the rule that either friends come over to our house - or I have to talk to the parents to know what the plans are.

I spent the first couple of months just getting to know our teen - the rules were implimented after it was apparent she would be here a while.

[jbee]

just reminded me about cell phones there...
one of ours has one, a trac phone he bought and pays for. the other isn't responsible and was using his to talk to people he wasn't allowed to by the county, so we sent it home and he uses our cell. we don't have a house phone, so we can check the cell bill and see who he's calling. he dosen't use it much.
we keep the laptop in the living room. i check the history and cookies often. the one got caught looking at porn when his buddies were over, got confronted and restricted for awhile but now i trust him (although i still check what he looks at). the other was warned we will check, looked at questionable stuff, was warned again, then i found he had looked at straight up blatant porn. he will probably never use the internet again here, because i specifically showed him how i will check and he had bad judgement to try anyway. internet is not a right, its a privledge.
i check what their myspace pages have on them, who the friends are and their pages. if they have questionable 'friends' i call them on it. we have little kids on the computer here too, and i don't allow any trash. i got rid of the myspace instant messaging cause the one was again talking to ppl he wasn't supposed to.
ours aren't really allowed out of our sight per the agency if they're therapeutic. one is going to go off of it soon to just reg. care, but hasn't earned trust or privledges so he's going to be treated the same.
good luck!

[tylind23]

Thanks everyone for your responses. This has really helped me to prepare and think of rules, etc. that I hadn't thought of before.

Unfortunately, the placement of the teens I was suposed to get has fallen through. So, now I'm back to waiting for another placement. Hopefully it won't be too long of a wait.