[morandi7]

I posted this under the California link, but thought I'd post here too as this is the largest message board under fostering/adopting.

I am an adoptive mother of a 2-1/2 year old daughter, who has been a dream come true for our family. A little background - my husband just turned 51 and I'm 39 (40 in May). Today (2/14) is actually our 16th Wedding anniversary. We have 6 children, including our adopted daughter. Two of our kids are adults (my step-kids), ages 24 and 22, so they don't live with us. We have 3 boys, 15, 13 and 11. We wanted to raise a daughter, so we chose adoption as we only make boys.

When we were placed with our daughter we filled out a form asking to be called first if her birth-mom had any more children so we would have the option to adopt first. Well, the phone call came today, on Valentine's Day, that our daughter has a 2 month old baby sister!

My husband had a knee jerk reaction when I told him and said no right off the bat. He said he thinks he is too old and that it wouldn't be fair to our daughter because she's the "princess" and it would be hard for her because she wouldn't be the center of attention anymore. He thinks the baby deserves younger parents too. I understand the feeling too old part, but I think it would be wonderful to have a sister for her to grow up with.

My husband was bothered by the whole thing, he wished we didn't hear about her and is torn if she does go to another family if we should keep contact with the sister as it would be confusing to our daughter. I am upset because if he wasn't serious about it when we adopted our daughter, why the heck did we say we wanted to be contacted??? He's the one who made the decision to check the box "yes", I specifically let him decide because we knew this was a big possibility.

We didn't really discuss it much tonight because it was our anniversary and we have until next Tuesday to make a decision, but I am so torn. It definately is harder to raise a younger child at our age, but it has been such a blessing too. Plus, we are financially more stable at this point in our life and really able to enjoy our kids. I love our little girl so much and the thought of someone else raising her sister makes me sick to my stomach. What if the new adoptive parents don't want to keep contact with us?

I honestly don't think her being adopted will ever be an issue because we are so open about it and she is so loved. But, having a sister raised with her who is biologically related - wouldn't that help her later in life to be more secure with the adoption? How will our daughter feel knowing she could have been raised with her sister and wasn't? My attitude is what's one more kid, we're the brady bunch anyways. The boys are totally cool with the idea.

Has anyone else been in a situation like this??? I'd love to hear your stories. How old is too old? Anyone with their own bio kids, adopting bio-siblings? What about reluctant husbands? Any advice is appreciated.

P.S. Sorry I rambled.

[Happy123]

We had a very similar situation.....I am so glad that we took our adopted son's sibling. I can not imagine what live would be like with out him. Granted we are older and I have a feeling I will be as old as some of my son's friends grandparents when he starts kindergarten, but I would never change our decision. I have a strong opinon that siblings should be raised together when ever possible. To share the same life experiences is priceless. I will never be faced w/ my sons asking why we did not take in their sibling. I never have to worry about this child out there having a difficult time where they are not able to depended on their sibling.
Adopting the sibling may not work for everyone, but I am glad that it worked for us.
Just a note, if they called us again tomorrow, I would say yes....but not before I took a deep breath. We have five at home and life sure is busy.
Happy123

[musemoon]

I have a two year old and will be adopting a new born in July/August....I will be turning 40 in two weeks and I'm single....AND I am on the list for both children's bio sibs should they be born and enter care, although my 2 year old's mom will probably not be having any more children given her age (40) and the amount of drugs she takes...she has had a hard time conceiving in the past and my daughter and her 19 year old sister are the only two children she has given birth to. But I would do it in a heart beat, I have even braced my family for the fact that after my two little ones are older, I may just go in for more :-) I think follow your heart, but having a bio sib would mean the world to your child(ren) and 39/51 are only as old as you think they are. I have a friend who started at 45 with twins and is about to adopt again :-) at 52.

[Chancey]

With the difference in age between your daughter and your sons, I would consider her an "only child". Being an only child is very hard -- think about when your youngest boy is in high school and doesn't want to hang out with a really little sister. This would give her and the new baby an opportunity to have siblings (and all the pleasure and life learning issues that go with it)!

Just food for thought...

[ocracoke]

Although I am an adoptive mom as well I will just answer as an adoptee.

I lost 5 of my 6 siblings when I was adopted. One sister went to biological family. My sister and I were adopted together. One sister and 3 brothers were all placed in separate families. All were raised in loving caring families. I was adopted nearly 32 years ago -- I was 5 years old when removed from my family and the 3rd oldest. There is not a day that passing that I do not think of my biological siblings. I searched and found all. The connection I had with my siblings was primal. And the ONLY thing that I regret about being adopted was losing my siblings.

But you need to do what you feel is right for your family.
Samantha

[CaddoRose]

I think the age part is something everybody has to determine for themselves. I am 45(in April) and my husband is 49. We have a 10 yr old daughter and we are soon to be foster/adopt parents. We want babies up to around 7 yr olds. We would really like a girl that is close in age to our daughter so she isn't an only anymore and she really wants a sister too.

Considering that people now live well into their 80's, being 51 isn't that old. So what if he's 69 when the baby would graduate. Since your daughter is 2 1/2, it would be great for her to have her sister with her. What's 2 1/2 more years?

From my vantage point there are no negatives about taking the baby only positives for both of the girls. The negatives about not taking her are huge as you have mentioned.

[morandi7]

I appreciate everyone's response, especially Samantha's - it's nice to hear an adoptee's point of view. I'm taking all of your advice as "ammo" tonight and will sit down with my hubby to discuss. Pray for me...

[lakin11]

As Samantha/Ocracoke, she can tell you how we are kind of in the same situation.

We have an interesting family set up. We have a set of 3 full sibs (same bios) whom we are trying to adopt. We've had them for over 2 years. This past fall, we got a call about their infant 1/2 brother...he was about 2 mos old at that point. We took him. There is another 1/2 brother about 19/20 mos old out there that bio mom is hiding (thats a full sib to the baby we have). We would love all 5, but know that the toddler is not even in this country right now. We suspect bio mom is pregnant again.........she likes to have them one right after another! Our three are barely 13 mos apart, and the youngest 2 are maybe 12 mos (not sure when the toddler was born).
As if thats not complicated enough!
We also have a 2 yr old who is not at all related to the other 4. Her bio mom had another baby in Jan and she's now 1 month old. They removed her 3 weeks ago from bio mom. We wanted to get her, but our licesning would require a waiver....so far we've not heard anything about it.
DH said yesterday he's not sure we should take her even if they finally do get around to granting the waiver. Bio mom is on the warpath right now and looking to blame us for all her problems. He's afraid taking in the other baby will just add to her anger and something she will do could somehow affect the adoption of the oldest 3. Plus, the added financial stress, the fact that we would not be able to use our van to travel w/ everyone, it would have to be 2 cars, or going out to buy a new van. Our house is tiny! If the baby were another boy, we could maybe make it work, but there is not room in the girls room for a 4th child, so we'd have to put her in our room for the first year. I can't say for sure, but I'd put money on bio mom not getting the baby back. We have TPR hearing in April for my 2 yr old, and so far, bio mom hasn't even done a single thing with the baby, other than gripe.
I want her, don't get me wrong, but I also know DH is right on so many points. However, I also think that if we are able to adopt all the 5 we have now, then FD2 will be the only one raised w/o any biological connection. I don't want that for her either. Ugh so much complication!! FYI, if we did have all 6, their ages would be B 7, G 6, G 4.5, G 2,B 7 mos, and G 1.5+ mos.

Not to overtake your thread, but I understand the feeling of 'what to do that's best for everyone'.

[aedems]

I just wanted to let you know I am praying for you and that you will find the wisdom to make the right choice, whatever that may be for your family!! I can't imagine having to make that choice, too may emotions for me!!

[timleenettesue]

We recieved a call two days after christmas that our adopted son has a sister. DHS called the next day for us to pick her up from the hospital. There was supposed to be a bio dad. He wanted her very much and was a wonderful man. But DNA proved the bio mom had lied again and he wasn't the dad. We were not planning this. We already have two other placements (sibs) that are finally going for TPR. They are full sibs and we would love to adopt them and keep them together. We were not planning on adopting more, but how could we turn down a sib for our son (he has two other sibs that are placed seperatly in other homes). This would give him a chance to be raised with at least one of his sibs.

We are 40 and almost 43 and have a grandson older than the new baby. Age is only an issue if you want it to be.

Pray and put it in God's hands. I did, thinking she would go with her bio dad, maybe God's plan is for her to stay here. We will follow were he leads (even when we think it seems crazy).

[mommytoEli]

i'm in the middle of moving, i don't know where to, but i have to be out in 2 weeks, my dad is dying, he lost his business and his house, so my parents are about to homeless, i lost my job bc i worked for them, and now bc of the economy crisis my dh is about to take a big paycut to keep his job.....

then the phone rang and our middle son has a brother. he has so many siblings he may never know, that we know there was no other answer than "yes." we are excited a new baby is on the way...and very excited that these 2 boys will share their lives together. as much as i'd like to think biology "doesn't matter" (bc we are an adoptive family the emphasis is obviously not on this)....i think it does matter. i think that it will be important to these 2 to know that they share something very special.

my heart goes out to you...in the end, you have to do what is best for everyone in your home......but i do hope you both will take a moment to think about how special it would be for the sisters to be raised together. trust me...i get that it will be hard. my life is so chaotic right now...i wasn't ready for this at all. in the end, i think it was the best decision i could have made for my son...soon to be sonS. lol

[vegaschristina]

I'm 38 and my DH is 39 (40 in May) and our kids are 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 (the fosters) and 4 1/2 (the adopted) and they are all 1/2 sibs. Bmom is currently expecting #4 and will be a full sib to the baby, but we have decided that 3 young kids is enough. Will we take other children in the future? Who knows? Will we take #4? No, because I'd rather be a good mom to my 3 than an ok mom to 4 kids.

What will I tell my kids when they find out about possible siblings? That I love them very much, but I couldn't be a good mom to more than just them.

We do hope that any foster/adoptive parents of future siblings will be interested in keeping the kids in contact with each other.

[AuntT]

This is a little different since they don't adopt, but it shows that age is in the eye of the beholder.
When we were going through our PRIDE classes we met a foster family who only took infants. Most of the time they picked the babies up at the hospital and kept them until they were sent home or adopted. They were on their 116 and 117 babies (identical twins who were 11 months old at the time of our meeting). The most interesting part of the whole things was the foster parents ages. They were 66 and 67 years old! I figure if they can handle two newborns at their age, anyone can do it.

Good luck on your decision. We are in the same boat as you. Three boys and looking for our girl.

[stevenstwin]

I think the issue here is more about how your husband feels and if he will resent it if you "talk him into" taking the sibling. Personally, I would want the little sister, and I do think it would be wonderful for the two little girls to be raised together. BUT the priority is your family - the one you already have. I wouldn't do it unless your husband was 100% on board, because it isn't fair to talk someone into being a parent agains their will (trust me, I'm speaking from experience here, LOL) and it might even spill over into the strength of your marriage, or his relationship with his new daughter. ON THE OTHER HAND...if he really, truly, genuinely changes his mind I think it would be wonderful for all concerned. I have several friends whose husbands weren't thrilled about "accidental" pregnancies, but then of course the resulting child became the apple of their eye. The thing is that you don't have that chance with an adoption, since they generally don't happen by accident ;-)

[AKMama]

I too would want to take the sibling. We had just finalized my girls' adoption when three weeks later their bio baby sister came into the system. At the time we lived in a tiny two bedroom condo and the baby was basically sleeping in a porta crib in the walk in closet. Did we want to deal with visits and sw and the syster again - no. But at the same time we couldn't turn the baby away with the possibility that we might get to keep her. She did end up getting ru with bmom four and a half months later and she will always be "our angel." I credit that baby for my two daughters. Without her birth, I don't think my girls would be safe in my house today. Right now, we keep our foster license up to date in case she comes back into care. We would love for the three sisters (who are all very close in age) to be raised together. Chances are it won't happen, but at least when she needed a home, we were there for her. And if she ever needs one again, we'll be there for her.