[committedsoul]

I saw this topic in another thread and it awakened some thoughts in my mind. I'd like to know how you all feel. Please do not flame me. I am NOT racist (as I have been told). I'd just like some honest opinions and would like to know if there are others out there that feel the way I do.

I am an AA foster parent in the state of Maine. I am one of the few, if not the ONLY AA foster parent in this state (I know I am the only one with my agency). This state is the least diverse state in the union followed by Vermont.

I love what I do. I moved here from NJ. I love it here. I love my kids. This is my dilemma...

My first placement was with a 9y/o girl and her 3 y/o brother. Their 8 y/o brother joined my home 6 weeks thereafter. The 9y/o had a lot of issues with aggression and was removed from my home after 4 months for the safety of the other children, particularly her 8 y/o sib.

Now I know that with all children, I am asked if I am interested in adopting them should it come to that...

My 3 y/o (who has since been reunited with bio dad) was this gorgeous doll of a child with blond hair and the bluest eyes I'd ever seen in my life. He was so full of personality that you couldn't help but fall in love. My 8 y/o (who is still with me - concurrent planning) is a challenge. He's got challenging behaviors. He's got a LOT of issues. Just yesterday I had to go and pick him up from school after just coming home from an invasive surgery. He was that wound up that the school would not release him to anyone but me. My 19 month old is a sweetheart... I've never seen a happier baby. My 16 y/o is also a challenge, but she's a GREAT kid and a BIG help with the little ones.

These children are caucasian.

When asked about adopting the 3 year old, I told them no. When asked why, I told them that I felt that he was what I would consider a "wanted child". I mean, I actually had it out with my respite provider for secretly trying to have him moved to her home behind my back. She loved him and just wanted him to live with her. He was an awesome kid, but I know that had he come up for adoption, he would have been snatched up in a heartbeat. He was just that kind of kid. When he went back home to dad instead of mom, I knew that he would be okay. His dad loves him more than the air he breathes.

When I look on some of these websites and I see the AA children that have been in care for years and years.... there's a set of brothers that stick out in my mind... they are 14 and 16 and have been in foster care since they were 1 and 3... When I look at the domestic adoption sites and see that they offer you a "discount" to adopt AA or BR babies... When I see stuff like that, it makes me want to help "my" kids first.

Am I a bad person for feeling this way?

I mean, I love my kids. My 16 y/o is expected to age out in my home. Thats fine. She's a great kid, and she doesn't want to be adopted. My baby boy, if he comes up for adoption, he's little, and they will find a great home for him. He's such a happy kid and he loves his Ma (me) to pieces, but I can't help but feel that by adopting him, it closes a place for a child that would have been considered "hard to place". Him being a toddler and being caucasian is an advantage. At least I think so.

Now, my 8 y/o, I've seen some different sides of the spectrum with his case. When I told another foster parent about possibly adopting him, she looked at me and said "Would they let you? With him being white and you being black?" Then his own caseworker tells me recently, "Well, I think his plan will be adoption, and I'd like to see him be adopted by you, but I don't think that thats a battle I'm going to be able to win. We'll have to see." He has a number of issues that would prevent a lot of parents from taking him on. Before I'd let him sit on the photolistings for years, I'd rather let him stay here. He trusts me and I love him. He'd be extremely hard to place. But, then the question is, Would they let me?

Then there's the piece I often wonder about... As he gets older, how will he feel about being raised by an AA parent in this predominantly CC state? I have gotten many stares and looks when my baby calls me Ma in public or when I am out with 3 CC kids and 1 AA kid (JD) and we are grocery shopping.

How will any CC kids feel about being raised by an AA parent in a predominantly CC state? It would be different if this was a diverse area, but it isn't. Even when looking to adopt from other states, I've been passed up because workers often wonder how a move from someplace like MO or GA will affect kids coming from a racially diverse area to a place like this. I had one CW from New Orleans ask me flat out if I was black. She said that the child needed black parents if he were to move here and then I was still passed on because they decided that a move like that would be too culturally shoking. Guess what? That kid is still on the photolistings. He hasn't been adopted yet.

I'm sorry for rambling, but I just feel like it's my job to help "my" kids first. Please tell me if I am wrong for feeling this way. I just feel like CC kids have more advantages and are wanted more than AA kids. Am I wrong?

[BethanyB]

committedsoul, I think it makes sense for ALL people(black, white or whatever) to want to adopt a child who looks like them. There is nothing wrong for wanting a child who looks like your family. As the CC mom to two AA children the only problem I have is when people will adopt a child from any race or country in the world except AA. That bothers me quite a bit.

I understand your dilemma. You love your foster kids but you know that they will not have a hard time being adopted because they are CC. It totally makes sense that you as an AA woman would want to adopt children of your own race who you know will wait for a home. I would feel the same way.

As far as you being allowed to adopt a CC child, you should be able to if you want to. If CC people are allowed to adopt AA children then it should work the other way around as well.

If you adopted a CC child, they would be the majority in their schools and activities. They will have an eaiser time in life than AA children adopted by CC people such as myself.

I say that you need to do what you feel is best for you. Now if you said you would adopt a child from an race except CC, I would wonder why. But that is not the case here.

[hesabanana]

I don't think you are wrong because from what I understand, black kids do sit longer waiting for adoption than white kids. I in no way find your post to be racist. But here is my concern: you love your white kids, and they love you, and you are letting them go because you hope to adopt black kids, but YOU AREN'T GETTING ANY BLACK KIDS! You said you have been repeatedly passed over because of where you live and you don't plan on moving, and there are no black kids in the Maine system, so this doesn't seem to be something that is likely to change.
The looks: I have the same experience (to a lesser degree) when I go out with my blond son and my Guatemalan son (who looks quite Asian) and they call me mom....I am Lebanese and quite obviously did not give birth to either of my boys. You must get looks anyway as an African American woman in Maine!
You have to do what your heart tells you, but since your situation does not seem to be changing, my advice is to love whatever children fate sends your way, and if you love them and they love you, keep them and save both of you the pain of saying goodbye.
Best of luck, and btw, I always enjoy your posts.

[naca]

I agree with the others.. I dont think your post is racist at all. I have one adopted child (CC) and one that we are hoping to adopt (AA) -we are a CC family. Initially we were not planning to adopt at all but fell in love with our kids so color was not what we based it on. With that said, I have since noticed how 'racist' our country is to AA/BR kids. You are completely right that they sit on the waiting kids list forever.. I know of several adoption agencies that offer 'discounts' for AA/BR kids and one that has a sliding scale based on your income for their minority program. All because most ppl in our country would rather have a white baby or go overseas. We have decided from here on out if we do adopt again (other than a sibling) we will be looking only at AA/BR kiddos. So I fully support your reasoning.. However, I do also kinda agree with the PP... You've said that you're being denied even the AA kids because of where you live. Do you have any desire to move to a more diverse area? If not then I say that if you love your kiddos now- why not keep them (and anyone that says a AA woman can't adopt CC kids is crazy! If they let CC ppl adopt AA kids then it should be the same thing reversed!).. Good luck!!

[tlmerrie]

I agree with all of the previous posters and understand your desire to be pragmatic. But please do not let you being an AA and your children being CC prevent you from fighting for them if it's what's best for them.

I have no further thoughts to offer except that here in Memphis, Tennessee we have lots of children sitting and waiting who are AA and I know a wonderful attorney.

Interesting thread, thanks for putting it up.

Amy

[lovingeyes]

Hi Committedsoul, Being a CC foster mom in Maine with 2 AA FKs I just wanted to let you know that although my situation in far from the same (even though on the surface look to be the flip side of your family dynamics) I can say that race has not been an issue in my experince so far. I have been asked about adoption to these kids if they do TPR and race has never been discussed. In fact people often tell me they would love to keep my kids. I have yet to ever feel they were "unwanted" infact people fawn over how adorable and beautiful they are. At family functions my family often tells me that they would love to keep them. It could be that since you state that you are the only (BTW I know of at least one other foster family in my area who is AA) in maine that the alternativs for placments for my kids would mostly be CC. I do get the stares when we are in public and wonder what people think yet luckily noone has approached me. I shudder to think if someone did if I would be able to contain my annoyance with thier ignorance. The only issue of race that comes up is actually through the birthmom. I honesty think that AA kids in Maine are not going to be considered "unwanted" I think the most "unwanted" kids are actually the teens and race has nothing to do with that. I know that being CC I can't know what your experines are, I am just mentioning my limited experince having lived in Maine my whole life and working infoster care with AA kids.

[JessicaBaker]

I'm young, naive, and idealistic (okay, maybe not so young now that I've hit 30).

I'm a CC mom to a BR daughter, Hispanic fson, and AA fson. I love the variety! I personally prefer AA/BR partly because there is a sense that the need is greater, plus they're just sooo cute (hope that's not taken in a racist way - i've met a few cute cc kids too).

Anyhow, I don't want all people to be the exact same and culture is absolutely important, but I don't believe that race can be directly equated to culture.

If I made the rules in the world (and thank you, God, that You do, not me) I would only allow people to adopt from a different race just to encourage tolerance.

IMHO love, and the bond that is formed while a child is in your home, transcends race.

P.S. I love the grocery store stares! I've never had a remotely rude comment, but if someone looks at us askance they receive my huge smile in return! I feel that part of the job of fostering isn't just caring for the kids, it's raising awareness.

[committedsoul]

Originally Posted by JessicaBaker

I love the grocery store stares! I've never had a remotely rude comment, but if someone looks at us askance they receive my huge smile in return! I feel that part of the job of fostering isn't just caring for the kids, it's raising awareness.

The stares are something else! I've taught my children to smile and wave when we are being stared at (which is quite often). It happens more in restaurants than supermarkets. When we are sitting down in an open are and eating. The only remarks I've ever heard have come from elderly people... Set in their ways, I guess.

[BethanyB]

When I'm out with my kids I want to be treated like a typical parent out with their kids. Not a show on display. I'm not comfortable with people overeacting to my kids because they are black and I'm white. If people want to comment on my kids being cute as they would anyone else's kids then that's cool but I'm not out to prove some point with my children. They are my kids and that is that.

[musemoon]

I don't think your post is racist at all.

I am a CC mom to a AA/Latino kiddo and on the list for another AA/BR kid. And we get stares :-) so much so I think kiddo thinks she's a super star (no seriously). But, if you've told your agency that you prefer to be placed with AA/BR kids as fost/adopt placement and you keep getting CC kids....then...well..(I don't want this to sound judging or wrong cause it's not meant that way at all...seriously at all. I get your reasoning big time :-) but they are "your" kids, black, white or green, they're yours and they love you. I just think at the end of the day it's about parenting and loving kids....

I know I may sound young and naive (but I'm not young tee...hee...and work in Hollywood, can't be naive) but we all must chose what is right for us, I just think that well....you'd get looks if you were raising a beautiful kid (which you are) you'd get looks if you were raising a differently abled kid, or a kid that was extrodinairy in some way....so why not raise the kids that have grown to love you.

Trust me, me and kiddo have "the smile" down pat. I do agree that it is about raising awareness as well. I have few AA friends who have foster/adopted CC and or CC/other kids. It's just what the agency placed them with when they said they were open to race and then their adoptions went through.

But at the end of the day, do what you think is right in your heart.

[vegaschristina]

Originally Posted by JessicaBaker

I've never had a remotely rude comment, but if someone looks at us askance they receive my huge smile in return!

I had one older gentleman ask me if the children's father was black. I gave the man my sweetest smile possible, and told him in all honesty..."I don't know who the father is." After he choked on that, I went on to say that my children were in the process of being adopted.

What are the odds that he won't ask that question again! BTW I have 3 BR siblings: Birth mom is white, 1 dad is hawaiian/samoan, 1 is black, and 1 is hispanic.

[eomaia]

I don't think it's being racist, I think it's a pragmatic response to existing racism. Honestly, I see racial differences as something that happened when our various ancestors spread out around the world and had to adapt to living in different places before the invention of prenatal vitamins. When my kids were first put in foster care, Eeyore was sent to a family whose first question was "Is she white?" We were glad she didn't stay there long.

While there might not be AA children waiting for adoption in Maine, what about other New England states? There are plenty of AA or BR kids in MA waiting to be adopted, and that would not be much of a move.

Meanwhile, it's not like you're booting your white kids out the door. Your 3 yr old is going back to his Dad, which might not have happened if he'd been placed with a family who really REALLY desperately wanted to adopt him.

[Synesthesia]

I don't know, I can't help but think that when it comes to kids on foster care, all kids regardless of race are almost on an even playing field. They are all stuck in an illogical system that would rather let a child languish in the system instead of placing them in a place that isn't totally diverse. As if being in the system won't hurt a child more than growing up somewhere predominately white? I don't get that.
I say if the opportunity comes up to adopt the 8 year old, if these child loves and trusts you, do it. It pains me the way children are moved around in this system because of something as important and unimportant as skin colour. There's a lot of options out there. This doesn't have to be the only child you adopt. You can push social workers into allowing you to adopt an African American child and if they hem and haw about it point out politely the illogic of allowing children to just stay in the system that long while they get unhealthily picky about children and where to place them.
Then again, I'm only doing research on adoption, I'm still naiive and a bit innocent, so maybe listening to me isn't best. Listen to your heart instead and go for it regardless of what folks will say and the staring.

[twoboysonegirl]

Committedsoul,
It makes perfect sense that you would want to offer a permanent home to AA children but you also have the right to offer your home permanently to children of any race. State agencies can not discriminate based on race and could risk losing their federal funding if they do so as outlined in MEPA (see below).

The Multiethnic Placement Act (MEPA) was enacted in 1994 amid spirited and sometimes contentious debate about transracial adoption and same-race placement policies. At the heart of this debate is a desire to promote the best interests of children by ensuring that they have permanent, safe, stable, and loving homes that will meet their individual needs. This desire is thwarted by the persistent increases in the number of children within the child protective system waiting for, but often not being placed in, adoptive families. Of particular concern are the African American and other minority children who are dramatically over-represented at all stages of this system, wait far longer than Caucasian children for adoption, and are at far greater risk of never experiencing a permanent home. Among the many factors that contribute to placement delays and denials, Congress found that the most salient are racial and ethnic matching policies and the practices of public agencies which have historically discouraged individuals from minority communities from becoming foster or adoptive parents. MEPA addressed these concerns by prohibiting the use of a child's or a prospective parent's race, color, or national origin to delay or deny the child's placement and by requiring diligent efforts to expand the number of racially and ethnically diverse foster and adoptive parents.

MEPA was signed into law in 1994 as part of the Improving America's Schools Act. In April 1995, the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) issued a detailed Guidance to assist states and agencies in implementing MEPA and understanding its relationship to the equal protection and anti-discrimination principles of the United States Constitution and Title VI of the Civil Rights Act. In 1996, MEPA was amended by the provisions for Removal of Barriers to Interethnic Adoption (IEP) included in the Small Business Job Protection Act. As explained in the Information Memoranda on IEP issued by HHS in June 1997, and May 1998, the amendments remove potentially misleading language in MEPA's original provisions and clarify that "discrimination is not to be tolerated," whether directed at children in need of appropriate, safe homes, at prospective parents, or at previously "underutilized" communities who could be resources for placing children. The IEP also strengthens compliance and enforcement procedures, including the withholding of federal funds and the right of any aggrieved individual to seek relief in federal court against a state or other entity alleged to be in violation of the Act.

from : MEPA - Multiethnic Placement Act of 1994, Amended 1996

[ms_mckenna]

I do agree with you as well. We are a CC AA couple and came in planning on adopting a sibling group of 4 (biracial). We really feel compelled to adopt a AA or biracial child because of the fact that we look at all children the same and would adore any child in our home. I do not think other families in our area really feel the same way. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.