[wahinekehau]

i have never posted before - i just turn here to read your all your stories and advise.

Now it's my turn to need advice. My husband and i started fostering 15 months ago when we receive Baby A. Since then we've have 4 come and go...but baby A remains. Baby A's parents will be going to court next month to challenge their rights being terminated. They is a 99% chance they will lose their rights and Baby A will go to a Step Aunt 5,000 miles away whom she has never met.

The plan is to have some social worker fly her where she needs to go and drop her off to the aunt. The thing that upsets me is no one is concerned with her transition. She has been with us for 15 months! Only we know what she likes and dislikes...we know her routines and tickle spots....

i am losing my mind when i think that she will be leaving us. How do i make myself be at peace with this? I am so scared she will think we don't love her anymore.

My last question - if her aunt offers to - should be remain in contact (through pictures) or is it better for everyone to just cut off all ties?

thank you so much for reading and any advice you can give.

[atouchofheaven]

i don't have any advice but i am very sorry for your situation. i know it must be very hard for you and your husband. i'm sure someone on this forum has been through something similar and can share some advice. but you are in my prayers.

[scandi]

Just a thought - maybe you could write a letter to the Aunt about the little one's life with you. Her routine, likes, dislikes. I got one from the foster parent of my youngest that she had actually written for the home that he had disrupted from - even though it was a year old it was very informative. We have maintained contact thru phone, email, letters and pictures. It has been very helpful to me and my son to know that she is out there.

[twoboysonegirl]

Isn't the aunt even going to come meet the child and get to know her first? That is not at all a good plan for your little one. Now that I think about it, I guess I don't understand why you and your husband wouldn't be considered as a permanent option due to the length of time she has been with you and the bond she must have with you.

In my experience, it's helpful to remain as involved as you can. There can never be too many people in a child's life that loves and supports them. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you.

[mylovebug]

There is usually transitional visits so they can get to know each other, but how long have they known that there was an aunt wanting to adopt her? They should have had her do what she needed to do much earlier than this and have had her foster the child until they decided to ru, or tpr.That just is too long to have had her, for your family to be all that she knows and do that to her. I myself would remain in as much contact as possible so that if by some strange chance they were unable to bond or have a change of heart they would know exactly where I stand and how I felt about taking her back. I would definately pray that the Aunt would have a change of heart and reconsider since you are all she knows as mommy. just my personal opinion. My case worker said today that she was going to have our fs parents go ahead and list all family members, so they could go ahead and see if there is anyone who is interested and capable of taking him before we have him for 12-18 months, go to tpr and attempt to adopt for a family member to come forward at that point. I really like that idea. Good luck

[hesabanana]

I would get a lawyer, asap. This plan is not in the best interests of this child. You identify this aunt as a stepaunt, someone with no more genetic ties to this baby than you have. Fifteen months is a lifetime. I would fight.

[tlmerrie]

I too would get an attorney and fight. I also wonder about why a 'step' aunt would have special rights to the child and wonder about her commitment as she hasn't visited in fifteen months. I don't care how many miles away you are; if you had a child that was a member of my family and I planned to adopt her I would have done everything possible to have a bond with her, or would have let her be.

Amy

[momagain5]

hi,my question is do you want to adopt this child?if you do than get a adoption lawyer and fight for this child.you are the only family the child knows,and to move the child to live with strangers will tramuatize the child.that is surely not in the best interest of the child!

[Pat laPier]

This will be hard on you for sure. I would write everything you can think of about the baby as ask the worker to give it to the aunt. Also the loss you will be feeling will be great. You might ask the social worker if they aunt and you can send letters or pictures for awhile, but more than that, you have know in your heart that you gave that a baby a great beginning to life. She was loved and well taken care of. Because of that, she will have a much better life. With every child you foster, do your best, know that you have given yourself to them and get ready to help the next child that needs you. I have cried like a baby as they moved out but I know they have taken something with them when they left, our love.

[athikers]

Depending on your state laws, and how long the aunt has been in the picture, you may or may not have any grounds to fight her removal. If she is going to go, I would advise you to ask (though it would be very difficult for you) if YOU can fly your baby girl out to the aunts house. This way you can settle her in and gradually transition from you being the primary caregiver to the aunt being the primary caregiver. I have done this and though it is VERY VERY hard to watch your child being cared for by someone else, it makes the transition so much better for them.

[aimeek]

We had almost the same thing happen to us. There was no transition for our kids at all. The only thing that they had going for them was a wonderful guardian. He gave us the phone numbers for the relatives they were going to live with. We sent a huge scrap book full of pictures and different stuff like that. It was sooo sad when they left. We waited a couple weeks and then called them. They family was very open to us having contact with them and sending them cards and pictures. As a matter a fact we just drove 8 hours one way to see them this past weekend. We brought them their Christmas gifts and it was soooo great to see them. They looked happy and so well taken care of. We have plans to see them again and will continue to write to them. Their family travels to our area and we will see them then also.

On the other hand I know that does not always work out... I would suggest to you that you consult an attorney since you have had the child sooo long. At least an attorney can tell you where you stand. It can be tricky working with the system.

Best of luck to you and if I can do anything, just let me know.

[hkolln]

I would be careful getting an attorney because sometimes CPS looks down on that. Normally CPS (at least in our case) makes the decision on placement and brings that to the Judge who OK's it. You can hire an attorney to fight but it won't guarantee you will win. In our case, the previous foster parents hired an attorney to keep our niece in their care which caused us to also hire an attorney. The Judge basically said at the hearing that he wasn't going to preside over a custody battle and he's leaving it up to the CASA and CPS to make the decision on placement. He will hear the case at that point and either approve or disapprove it. Our niece was in their care for 11 months when transitioned to our home. In the end, after the transition was complete and we were saying our goodbyes to the SW in Idaho and our nieces Mom (final visit in prison with mom), the SW took my husband aside and stated that us hiring an attorney did not help our situation because it made the courts involved alot more. Of course the previous FP's hiring an attorney was not a positive thing to them either.

And remember hiring an attorney can actually draw out the inevitable....she may be moved no matter what. Have they made a decision on final placement? I know in our case they had to have a meeting to determine if placement was with us or the current FP's. The meeting consisted of the higher ups in CPS, the SW, the CASA, and a few other people.

Why not make it positive and send along all the info on the care of the baby so the Aunt can take over. And why not ask for her contact info or send your contact info in case she has questions. You would be the best person to get her questions answered from since you cared for the baby.

When we transitioned our niece we did it in Idaho...we were able to meet with the previous FP's and bring all the info we felt we needed from them, like her friends names and numbers, things she liked and disliked, etc...I even went over to their house and helped pack up her stuff with the FM. It also allowed our niece to see us together get thru the transition postively. I think it would be a great idea if you could meet the Aunt and bring the baby to her and transition her that way. I would find out if that is possible.

[athikers]

I thought of something else... being that the aunt is SO far away, it may be that she has wanted the baby all along, but they couldn't transition until after TPR because it is awfully hard to work on reunification from 5000 miles away. I don't know, but its very possible.

[AmahMama]

In some states - transition does not seem to be considered. We had a sibling group that went to visit prospective adoptive parents - and never came home. I sent picture albums, scrapbooks, personal items as well as their clothing, bikes, etc (we'd had them 8 months) - and in talking with a friend one day - she mentioned the kids- she knows them. . . . the next time I saw her. . . she asked if I had any spare photos of the kids as "N" didn't have any from before placement :-( . Of course, I ran an entire cd of pictures and a dvd of the videos. I had spent a lot of time and money printing, labeling, pictures, I wrote up a letter that gave their likes and dislikes - I knew they were going to be adopted - and had much in progress when they went on their "visit" (it was their 2nd try at visits - different people). The adoption people never GAVE any of that stuff to the ap's. They refused to give us thier address or phone number and refused to give them ours. Told the ap's it would be easier on the kids this way as they wouldn't be torn.

So to make a short story long, sometimes you get to keep in contact - and sometimes you don't. I had a couple of ap's and bp's that stayed in contact for a little while - but eventually that died down.

Good luck with the transition (if that's what they want to call it) or with keeping her - if that is what you want to do.

Just remember - the state is the guardian - and if they can find a way to break your heart - they will. . .

[wahinekehau]

WOW! i can't thank you all enough for your encouragement and advice. We definitely do want to adopt this child. The GAL has already made it clear he will not support our bid and will proceed with advocating for the aunt. A large part of the reason they got the BF to give up his rights was because they told him the baby would go to the aunt. The state will challege the mom for her rights at the end of Feb.

As of friday the SW said they want to send the baby away before trial. By law they can send her on a visit for 30 days. Their intention is to not bring her back.

We will consult with a lawyer. If nothing else we will be writing a letter to the judge (not an angry one). It is so hard to know what your supposed to do. Its so hard to know how far your supposed to go.

i love this job as much as i hate it....if that makes sense.